Here is the bitch of it: for all my understanding and faith in a higher power – life is still not fair sometimes.  How can this be?  Where is my God from the 1^st Testament?  A righteous and violent God who punishes those who sin?  He will cast out the unworthy, right?  Then I remember rainbows. Later in the 1^st Testament, God gave up leveling the ‘fallen’ or debauched communities with floods and plagues to punishment them.  He became the God of boundless Grace.  I like to think he matured, he grow-up and discovered you can’t punish someone out of bad, but you can love them out of it. 

According to the Bible, rainbows became his personal sign of his infinite love for each of us.  However personally, some days I long for the Bad-ass God who likes to smite the wicked.

When I am caught in the unfairness of a situation or with a person, I try to comfort myself with the belief, “I can only see in part, You (God) see all.”  Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn’t.  I am reminded of Jesus on the cross crying out his last to his Father – have you Forsaken Me?…I know that desperation, the fear of being abandoned as you know in your heart you have done all that has been required of you, yet still you hang on the cross, waiting.  How can this be?   “I can only see in part…”

Recently a new door has appeared – an unexpected opportunity now lay on the horizon.  Unfortunately, at this moment, all we can do is wait – just staring at the door, trying to will it open with our desires…

I have never been good at waiting.  I am an action-oriented person, none of this “sitting around and waiting for life to tap me on the shoulder,” I’m already down the road.

Last night as we were walking the dog, my daughter asked me, “Mommy, when will this happen?”   I smiled and heard myself offer a very reasonable answer, “Sweets, only God knows that – we can only see in part.  All will be revealed in the right time.  Not to worry, everything is being taken care of.”  And like kids do – she bought it and shifted to a new topic.  Ummm, I think I’m supposed to learn something here.

When I am waiting, I try to distract myself with the knowledge that everything is happening in its right time.  I repeat over and over in my mind, “I can only see in part…”  The last time I used this mantra so fiercely was years ago when my son was suffering from multiple daily seizures and we couldn’t find any answers.  Interestingly, the healing happened months before the answers were revealed…So it’s good to notice this time we wait on our heart’s desires, instead of our worst fears…

I have come to believe in active waiting.  I like the old Arab saying, “Trust in God and tie up your horses,” because it implies a partnership with God and your future.  Discernment, sometimes you act and sometimes you wait – knowing the difference is the rub.

So today, we wait on the will of heaven, and pray for this or something better yet to be revealed.  So be it. 

article first published 8/08, waiting phase again.

Lately I have been focused on the word surrender.  I can frankly say surrender is in exact opposition of my personality – I’m a doer.  In the beginning of the week a friend said to me, “Sounds like you have to surrender.” 

 What the hell kind of comment is that?  Can we say “useless?”  Imagine that I could surrender?  Me, the girl who’s name means “warrior?”  No, no there has to be something more I can do???  I think, think, think, twisting and turning the issues in my mind looking for anything not thought of – hopeful to see the puzzle finally set right, but no there are no new angles.  It is just beyond my control.  I can only see in part while so much has yet to be revealed…

 I tell myself the tricks – focus on manifesting, see the picture you desire, light candles, pray…yet still I am left in the dark.  I vacillate between shaking my fist at God and fear of what will be.  I feel myself on this hinge point between what was and what will be. 

 What I do know is life has changed forever – and amusingly, it was nothing I did or expected.  Life bumped into me – not tragically, but a powerful, unexpected awakening that blew apart long held beliefs of right or wrong.  A door I chose to close years ago burst open and I am grateful, even as I hear a chuckling God. 

 And I also see, surrender is my only path to peace.  I have done all I can do, said all the words that need to be said, I must wait for heaven to act.  So I light candles, say prayers, see the picture I desire in my mind and I comfort myself with the firm truth – I will not be in limbo forever, just awhile…Therefore I savor this life right now because it is shifting beneath my feet forever.  Things will be lost just as assuredly as new things will be found. I wait on the will of heaven to be revealed, confident I am protected and thrilled at what is to be…

Recently a new door has appeared – an unexpected opportunity now lay on the horizon.  Unfortunately, at this moment, all we can do is wait – just staring at the door, trying to will it open with our desires…

 I have never been good at waiting.  I am an action-oriented person, none of this “sitting around and waiting for life to tap me on the shoulder,” I’m already down the road…

 Last night as we were walking the dog, my daughter asked me, “Mommy, when will this happen?” 

 I smiled and heard myself offer a very reasonable answer, “Sweets, only God knows that – we can only see in part.  All will be revealed in the right time.  Not to worry, everything is being taken care of.”  And like kids do – she bought it and shifted to a new topic.  Ummm, I think I’m supposed to learn something here…

 When I am waiting, I try to distract myself with the knowledge that everything is happening in its right time.  I repeat over and over in my mind, “I can only see in part…”  The last time I used this mantra so fiercely was years ago when my son was suffering from multiple daily seizures and we couldn’t find any answers.  Interestingly, the healing happened months before the answers were revealed…So it’s good to notice, this time we wait on our heart’s desires, instead of our worst fears…

 I have come to believe in active waiting.  I like the old Arab saying, “Trust in God and tie up your horses,” because it implies a partnership with God and your future.  Sometimes you act and sometimes you wait – knowing the difference is the rub.

 So today, we wait on the will of heaven, and pray for this or something better yet to be revealed.  So be it.