Recently several clients and friends have experienced hardships from house foreclosures to job loss to health crisis.  Unfortunately not all things in life are “good” but with the right tools, you can find your way through your own quagmire to peace…

 1.  Becoming a victim.  Often when tragedy strikes our first response is, “Why Me?”   A more realistic response would be, “Why not me?”  No one will walk through this life without mishap or tragedy.  Why?  Because it is in our “hardships/mistakes” that we learn, not our perfect moves.  I believe each of us is striving for wholeness, so we must grow – growing can hurt sometimes. 

 Years ago I was introduced to Wayne Dyer’s idea that, “there is a valid reason for everything that happens.”  At first I rebelled against this idea – I was a victim – raised in an alcoholic, violent home; molested as a teen; divorced parents; had to work my way through college; chronic pain due to a car accident…on and on I could list why life was unfair and I was a victim. 

 Then I detached and looked again – all of these horrible events taught me and brought me closer to wholeness – in ways I never expect…The chronic pain from my car accident drove me to seek alternative approaches to healing as I had exhausted all the traditional medical avenues.  By going down this alternative path, one I would have never walked without this unrelenting pain – I unlocked a whole new life, a new path to peace. 

 When you are a victim, it is impossible to see past traumatic events to, “What do I need to learn from this?” and “What is my body/soul trying to tell me?” i.e. “What do I need to learn from this experience so I don’t find myself in these shoes again?” When you decide there is a valid reason for everything, you take back your power.  Instead of being tossed about as a victim of circumstances, you own this experience and glean the knowledge to transcend tragic events.  You grow into fullness.

 Once I was able to shift from “poor me” to “What can I learn from this to empower my life today?” (“When have I felt this way before? Or is this a bad pattern I am in?”)  I was able to unlock the victim response from any experience.  Thus I created a pocket of peace within whatever tragedy/difficult event occurred because I know, there is a valid reason for everything…even if today I can not see what that reason is.

 2.  Seek support.  Ok, it is all well and good to know, “There is a valid reason…” but we still need support.  Call friends, family and if need be, professional support.  Even if we know somewhere inside, “there is a valid reason…” - we still are in pain and that must be attended to.  Just because you know you are learning and growing in this process, it does not lessen the very real agony of the experience.  The good news is – people do want to help, it’s a natural response.  When you see a friend or family member in acute pain, don’t you want to help? – do something, anything. 

 Allow your friends and family to “be there” for you – you may even be surprised by someone you never expected to show up in a way that heals not only your heart, but theirs as well.  Tragic/upsetting events often create opportunities for healing in ways you don’t expect or think even thought possible before the events were put into motion.  This is the “silver lining” we refer to after the tragedy passes.

 3.  Spiritual support.  Yes, when need the support of people, but even more – spiritual support.  It is a gift we chose to accept ourselves - in our own time.  Out of sheer desperation I found God in my twenties. 

I was absolutely broken-hearted after ending a six year relationship and in chronic pain from a car accident.  Everyday would find me in tears, smoking too much pot and grasping for anyone/anything to make it better.  One Sunday, I found my way alone to church.  I was not raised in a church – in fact the opposite, as my Mom described herself as a “recovering catholic.”

I had never been to this church before and I’m not sure what the service was about as, but I do remember I wept throughout.  I couldn’t stop.  I just felt like somewhere inside I came home.  As the pastor spoke, she silently invited each one of us to know God not only by the words she uttered, but by her very presence.  This woman was peace - a beacon calling to a new life.

She spoke of a loving God who was with you always.  The words were a balm for my hurts and I could feel myself calm from the inside.  I breathed again.  Then we sang hymns, ones I had never heard before and suddenly I was singing the words, “Resting in the palm of God’s Hand,” and I was.

In that moment, I understood - I am never alone.  I looked at the shining faces around me and saw pure joy.  “Joy,” not pleasure derived from buying or attaining something, but joy - the glorious shimmering of your soul in the fullness of life.  This was a place for me, resting in the palm of God’s hand.

Today I still use this imagery over and over whenever I feel lost, or out of balance.  Sometimes, as you grow up, you discover you have to release certain beliefs you were taught as a child.  I know this lesson of “There is no God, you have to do it all,” was taught to me with the best of intentions – survival.   However, it crippled my life.  I had become obsessed with control or truly, the illusion of control and the idea I had to do it all myself – I was alone.

I am not saying you have to go to church to find God or a higher power, however titled, what I am suggesting is to find connection to something greater then self.  Maybe for you this happens in nature or art, but somehow to view yourself in partnership with the world around instead of in battle.  Once you establish connection to something greater then self, you are able to detach and really witness the events – maybe I am supposed to be learning something here instead of beating myself up about the unfairness (yes, sometimes life isn’t fair…) of it all? 

4.  Courage.  I would love to be able to say something magical that could make all the bad things go away…Well, all I’ve got is a message of courage.  Not condescending, “It will get better with time,” or “I’m so sorry for your pain,” but courage. 

I say “courage” in the full knowledge that the answer you seek as you walk through this difficult time, already rests inside you now.  Be still and listen, maybe even meditate.  For in that stillness your strength will come, and manifest a change in your life.  Be still and listen.  So be it.

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” - Winston Churchill

“You learn to bear it.  Yes, some things you just learn to bear,” were the words spoken to me the other day with a tight smile and condescending eyes.  I was shocked – you learn to bear it?  Are you kidding me?  And then again she repeated this philosophy, “Someone of my advanced years has had more experiences and learned that some pains are learned to be lived with, to walk with.”

 Again, I was speechless.  Was this woman serious?  Could she possibly be trying to tell me that her life pains/traumas were more painful then mine and one day I too would gain entry into this elite group that walks with pain?  The most difficult part of the interaction for me is – she was serious.  Her pains, her life experience were so hard – she proved it, she beared it everyday, proudly even.  I shut my mouth, not questioning any longer, but spinning.

 “Bearing it” has only disempowered my life, myself and most of all my relationship with God.  I have come to accept that today, I can only see in part, all will be revealed in time.  And when my fears, my anxieties, even my own victim self reveal their presence still - I smile, start singing a Karen Carpenter song in my head and think, what do I need to lay down?     

We live in a society of complaint.  Each of us has our own “victim” story that we hold dear, our deep reservoir of excuses of why life is not working out as planned and who or what is to blame.  Without a doubt each of us have been “victims” in certain experiences or events, but no longer are we in those spaces today, yet continually we identify ourselves as “victims” over and over.  What keeps us in a victim state?  An inability to forgive.

Forgiveness, it’s such a tricky thing.  Who does not want to deem themselves to be someone who forgives?  We are taught “forgiveness” is what we “should” do, but do you?  Do you really forgive those who hurt you?  Offend you, maybe even insult you or worse?  And what if those hurts are abhorrent, seemingly above forgiveness?  Do you still forgive?  Yes, but let me explain — forgiveness is not absolution for your perpetrator, but an inward act of healing and grace for yourself.

I believe when you withhold forgiveness you live in the past.  You tie yourself to your victim story, the places you are broken.  We all have broken places, wounds that never quite heal.  In fact, it is in these very wounded places that we can connect to one another in the most profound way, because hurts are a great equalizer in humanity.

Each of us has been to a dark place in our lives, hurt and broken, and so too has the person sitting next to you been to this same dark place.  Our individual wounds may have different names and experiences, but underneath it is the same - pain.  To escape this pain, we blame others, withhold forgiveness and carry on our victim story disempowering our lives at every turn.

I was just about thirty when I discovered I wasn’t a victim.  Yes, of course, there had been terrifying moments of truly being a victim over the years, but I discovered a new philosophy through reading books by Dr Wayne Dyer about “there is a valid reason for everything that happens.”  It is quite a bitter pill to swallow – the concept that you are responsible for everything that has happened in your life.

When I first read this, my reaction was immediate horror – how could I be responsible for any of those horrible experiences?  And then, I looked at my life again and I saw the web.  The complex reality of all these experiences and there impact on my life for better and worse.  I saw the silver linings in the horrific events.

Yes, in certain moments, surely I was a victim, but after that moment in time, it is how I related to that event that I either continued to be a victim or found the courage to transcend.  This is not to deny the anguish or even heartache of these events, but to go beyond the pain to gain new understanding.  The understanding that events and experiences happen, but I am not defined by just that staggering moment.  Instead, I am defined by my courage as I face disappointments, failures, betrayals, and even hurts.

When you transcend and take responsibility for everything that happens in your life, you step into your power.  For me this is when I discovered a deeper connection to Spirit.  I began to understand my soul’s purpose and see the underlining truth – this is my life today, I chose who I want to be every day.  The events and experiences of my past have lead me to this place and I am grateful to finally be able to view past disappointments and hurts to discover courage.  Once you discover the silver lining, it is almost impossible to maintain the resentment to withhold your forgiveness.

Let me be clear, this does not excuse the offense, nor does this mean you need to contact the offender to let them know they are forgiven.  (However, in most cases this would be the goal.)  Truly, forgiveness begins within.  It begins with self.  Can you forgive yourself for your own mistakes, real or imagined?  Forgiveness is no far off place.  It is here, today, waiting for you to step into…Courage.