What are healthy boundaries?  Are you not supposed to feel for another’s pain?  Are you not supposed to help out?  Is offering advice bad?

 Here’s how you can quickly identify healthy boundaries – check in with your stomach and heart.  When you are tilting towards unhealthy there is an emotional pull you can actually feel from your stomach and/or heart.  It’s almost like an energy rope pulling or sucking you in a certain direction (I must save them!  I have to step in!)  There is desperate feeling in the air.

 With healthy boundaries you feel grounded, maybe your feet even feel heavy.  Your heart may still hurt for someone, but it is more like a squeeze then an uncontrollable pull. 

 It’s not usually the specific activity that identifies something as unhealthy but the emotions that are driving the support/boundary.  Sometimes people really do need extreme support offered by you, but the cost does not have to be your well-being. 

 How to do keep healthy boundaries?  By taking care of you every day.  That means checking in with yourself daily; eating and sleeping well; laughing; using humor when all else fails and when you feel that negative energetic pull, that’s your queue to consciously ground your energy down.  Down through your feet until you feel a sense of balance return.

 So, are you feeling grounded today?

3. Do you feel required to help?  It’s your job?  Is there a guilty, emotional tug that drives you to help?  A good question for yourself is – do I have a choice?  If you don’t feel like you have a choice, nine times out of ten you are really rescuing. 

 When you help someone from a healthy place, it’s from a place of fullness not lack.  Your support is not dependent on anything in return, just goodwill.  Your help has healthy boundaries and you are able to see the person also has choices.  The person can say no to your offered help and it’s ok.  You can say no and that’s ok too. 

 If you struggle with saying no, then I encourage you to go deeper.  This isn’t about helping someone else, but about validating how you see yourself.  Rescuing becomes how you identify yourself and your role in relationships.  Ultimately it becomes how you see your worth – to rescue others…Unfortunately this seemingly ‘good’ intention is actually harmful – do you really know what’s best for others?  Are you some all-knowing God here to re-direct your loved ones to the right path?  Maybe making mistakes is how they will learn the lessons they are here to transcend… 

 I like to think of babies learning to walk.  They must fall down, over and over.  They will never, ever learn to walk on their own if someone is always holding them up beneath their arms.  They need to find their own balance amid the falls…We never change.  Our falls look different at 32 and 48, but fall we do…And each of us, no matter what the event, must find our own separate peace…Can you allow another’s peace to look different from your own and be ok with that?

2. Regardless of whether the person asked for help or not, can the person do this for themselves?  Or is your ‘help’ keeping this person in a victim place or dependent on you? 

 Sure, sometimes we all need help.  There are real health crises and other life events that require support from those around us, but is your help actually undermining the success of another?  Does this other person need to do for themselves if only to know they can?  Sometimes our help does more harm then good.

1.  When we rescue, often we just step in without an invitation.  We withhold information from the person to ‘protect’ them or we ‘do’ things for the person to make it easier for them, after all, we’re just helping.  

 Actually, there is a fine line between helping and enabling.  I good way to identify the difference is to ask yourself if you are looking for a pay-off?  Are you looking to control something, someone or even the information?  Are you looking for love?  Are you trying to keep things the same?  Do you want to feel like the special friend/lover who really understands?  If you are looking for any emotional payoff – guess what?  You are in rescue mode.

 As you can see, when you are rescuing someone, it is actually about you and how you want to feel about yourself.  You may convince yourself it is about the other, but that’s a mirage to keep your self-image held up.  If you are rescuing then you can’t be the one messed up, right?

 Rescuing keeps you busy.   Obligations are created to distract and provide excuses as to why your own goals and dreams are delayed if not ultimately left unrealized.  It’s a choice.  It’s a choice to get into your own life and rescue yourself from the same behaviors that keep you in a less-than place.

Are you rescuing someone?  Here are three simple questions to ask yourself before you help…

 1.         Has this person asked you to do this for them? 

2.         Can this person do this for themselves?

3.         Do you want to do it?

 Rescuing others comes as the cost of our own journey.  How can you possibly get to your own best life when you are distracted by where those around you are on their own journeys?  Or is that the point?  Does rescuing others keep you from ‘failing’ at your own life?

 This week in my blog I will be examining these three questions and how they impact you connecting to your most abundant life…So take a few moments over the next day and really look at the relationships in your own life – are you rescuing someone?  Check back tomorrow to explore what may be driving your desire to rescue…

Valentine’s Day – Not my favorite holiday.  It’s seems to be a completely manufactured holiday by Hallmark and the florists, but still it is there on the calendar each year.   If you are alone – well, this holiday can really magnify that reality in sometimes frightening questions.  (Don’t you have a Valentine?  Why am I alone?  What’s wrong with me?)   STOP!  Take a breath – it’s 24 hours – pull yourself together and give these tips a try…

 1.  Reality check – this day shall pass.  Gratefully the day falls on a Sunday this year, so if you work in an office, school or the like – you do not have to witness the relentless parade of delivered flowers and chocolates.  Mantra – this day shall pass (and if need be – think how chocolate goes straight to the hips…)

2.  Turn on the tunes and dance – clothes optional.  Pick out the silliest, most danceable music and play loudly.  As you are busting a move and are grinning like an idiot, you may just start enjoying yourself. It’s hard to be too sad as you are shakin’ your bootie.  Suggestions: Black Eyed Peas, Michael Jackson, ABBA and the bad boy, Kanye West

3.  Make a plan.  Maybe you want to stay under the covers all day, but I encourage you to get together with friends and do something fun.  Go bowling or ice skating – do anything completely out of your norm.  This will take your focus off whatever negative spiral you may be slipping into and distract you from “poor me” thinking. And who knows who is ice skating today…

4.  Humor – if you are in a pitiful state, try to find just a little humor.  Watch silly movies, call friends who make you laugh.  Try anything that can get you giggling as it will help you move through your emotions.

5.  Go outside.  Take a walk or go for a drive if it is too cold, but get out of the four-walls closing in!  A change of scenery will allow you to stop the incessant thinking of, “What did I do wrong?  Why me?  Will I ever be happy again?”  I promise you will feel better and be happy again (you were before, so why not?)

6.  Big girls/boys do cry.  It’s ok to be sad.  The tears do eventually dry up.  Just remember your tears are a wave, maybe of the tsunami variety, but a wave – you are the vast ocean.  Waves pass and the ocean remains.  You remain.

7.  Get a new haircut, outfit and/or bedding.  Have you ever noticed how many people look better a few months after a break-up?  This is the upside of the break-up diet, i.e. can’t eat due to depression and sleeplessness.  As the song goes – wash that man (woman) out of your hair…and your bed too.

8.  Buy yourself something special the day before, if you like flowers and chocolate – go for it.  Whether you’re heart-broken or attached – don’t wait for someone else to tell you, “I love you, I value you.”  Do it yourself – anything else that comes your way is gravy.   

 *Remember this is one day – 24 hours – this too shall pass…Happy bowling – don’t forget your socks!  

Dance – Flip on the tunes, grab your microphone (aka favorite hairbrush) and shake-it!  Nothing and I do mean nothing can change your mood for the better faster than getting up and moving around to a grinding beat. 

 Play – a card game, Wii, draw, cook, create anything…Stop looking at the to-do list and begin having more fun.  How did life get so serious anyway?  Too much thinking, not enough playing.

 Dream – a vacation, a new job, a new beginning…Before dreams become reality, first the dreaming…Do some research online, journal, watch travel DVDs and begin talking to new people.  Expand your horizons, be open – who knows where your dreams will carry you…

 Set an Intention – What is one shift you could make today for the better?

 Forgive – does a name pop in when you see the word forgive?  Is it you?  Forgive yourself.  Remember you’re learning, growing into a better you.  Mistakes are to be expected (opportunities…)  When you really forgive yourself, others can be forgiven too and peace becomes possible again.  (Create forgiveness with meditation.)

 Be grateful – for the air you breathe, the food you eat, the warm bed you slip into each day…be grateful.

 Today is a good day to…be.  Who do you want to be?

What is the difference between loneliness and solitude?  One is an experience of sorrow and the other replenishment.  Why?  Simply – you.  Yupe, it’s not pretty and you may want to rebel, but it’s true.  You create your reality through choices and the thoughts/beliefs you focus on each day. 

 But here’s the good news – you can make a shift.  Being alone doesn’t have to equal lonely.  Here are a few tips to help you connect to the rejuvenation found in solitude.

 1.       Rest.  I bet you are exhausted and you don’t even know it because you have always been this way.  Lay down on the floor or grass and feel your body supported by the earth.  Close your eyes and breathe in deeply.  Shift your legs gently from side to side – feel yourself really connected to the earth.  Rest.

2.       Read.  Not a magazine, a book.  Fall into another world and give yourself a break from reality.  Explore the world from your favorite armchair…

3.       Journal.  Write about anything and everything.  Instead of keeping your thoughts, fears and dreams locked within – let go.  Thoughts spinning in your mind can trap you into fear, but brought into the light – things can be hashed out. 

4.       Arts.  Draw, paint, play musical instruments – be creative.  When you participate in the arts, you allow your incessantly thinking mind to stop.  If you believe you can’t draw – get a coloring book.  Relax and play.

5.       Nature.  Go for a walk or hike and really examine the path around you.  Do you see any animals?  Are the leaves falling?  How does the ground feel beneath your feet?  Can you smell the changing seasons?  Sink into this moment with all your senses. 

6.       Meditate.  Meditation is a pathway to transformation – changing your thoughts does change your life. 

7.       Garden.  Nothing is more grounding or nourishing then hands in the dirt.  Just because the weather has shifted does not mean the growing season has ended – bulbs.  Plant bulbs outside for spring and indoors for beauty.  Try paperwhites and amaryllis in glass vases and enjoy the magic of new life unfold right before your eyes.

8.       Be still.  Sit by a window and see what is happening in your own backyard.  Does the yard need attention?  Are there any animals?  Birds?  How do you feel within as you look out?  What thoughts pop in?  Are they lifting you up or pushing yourself down?  Can you gently, kindly make a shift?

 Of course there are moments when we may feel lonely, but when these moments stretch into a way of being – unhappiness and isolation are the result.  It does not have to be this way…It begins with you.

For the next 24 hours try this exercise – speak your life into being.  Talk about your life as if the life you desire is happening right now.  For example, want a new job?  For the next 24 hours say to yourself, I have a new job – it’s fantastic.  I can’t believe it - just fell into my lap.  Feel this new job.  Think about the new office, maybe your desk is there – what photos are on the desk?

 Or maybe you are lonely and want a fuller life.  What if you began saying to yourself – people like being around me.  I get invited places.  People feel good when they are around me.  I have good friends.

 Or possibly you feel overwhelmed, stressed and are looking for support.  What if you said to yourself, support shows up, unbelievably when I least expected it.  Feel how good it would be to feel supported, feel a lending hand enter your life…

 Just give it a try and let the magic unfold – opportunities appear and doors open when you believe…What have you got to lose, but everything to gain????

Halloween is over and the holidays are approaching again.  Sometimes, during the transition into the holidays, your positive focus can be drawn back into old patterns and not enough worries.  Maybe you start worrying about money or impending family events.  Possibly your sleep is being disrupted with sleeplessness or nightmares.  It could be that your diet has shifted – either eating more or less depending on your own specific reaction to stress.  It could be that you are beginning to trigger into old ways…

 Ask yourself - are you too involved in the lives of others instead of what’s going on in your life?  Are you waiting for someone or something to act thus transforming your life or so you think?  Are you replaying scenes in your mind over and over of events to come or even of past events?  Are you spinning?  Guess what?  It’s time to get your power back by returning the focus back to you and here’s how…

 1.         Spend time alone.  Maybe meditate, go for a walk, clean-up the garden for winter, fish, go for a bike ride, take a bath, anything, just be with you, no computer, no making meals or cleaning up after anyone, just alone with you and your thoughts.  If you start spinning with too much in your head – try guided meditation.  This can lead you out of a harried place to peace – quickly and easily. 

2.         Acquire a new skill – what interests you?  Maybe you want to learn to knit, or try the Rosetta Stone and pick up a new language at home. How about learning to mountain bike or snowboard this winter.  Begin to expand into new frontiers.  Doing this helps you become more energetically solid from the inside out.

3.         Make decisions and set deadlines.  I have discovered the best way to get the universe to act is to start making plans.  Remember everyone does not need to know and/or approve of your decisions/deadlines.  Use discernment in deciding when and to whom to reveal your plans to.  Beware the naysayers.

4.         Live authentically – journal.  Sometimes your own worst enemy is yourself.  You can make yourself crazy with worry or simply avoid the truth staring you in the face.  Journaling helps you to release the ego and connect to your own truth – both good and bad.  It can take the heat out of your emotions and reveal your concerns, fears, even joys in a manageable way.

5.         Make time for your friends.  Friendships can get lost in busy lifestyles and unfortunately, you live less abundantly for it.  Good friends easily help you connect to your own true self again and who better to laugh with?  Go for walks, meet for tea, make some phone calls and connect to who you were before a busy life crowds in.

 Returning the focus to you, allows not only you to live more freely but allows others to be who they are as well.  When you are in tune with your own wants and needs, the agendas and pressures of others – even family – are felt less.  Help yourself through this holiday season by staying centered and balanced – listen to yourself.