What is the difference between loneliness and solitude?  One is an experience of sorrow and the other replenishment.  Why?  Simply – you.  Yupe, it’s not pretty and you may want to rebel, but it’s true.  You create your reality through choices and the thoughts/beliefs you focus on each day. 

But here’s the good news – you can make a shift.  Being alone doesn’t have to equal lonely.  Here are a few tips to help you connect to the rejuvenation found in solitude.

1.    Rest.  I bet you are exhausted and you don’t even know it because you have always been this way.  Lay down on the floor or grass and feel your body supported by the earth.  Close your eyes and breathe in deeply.  Shift your legs gently from side to side – feel yourself really connected to the earth.  Rest.

2.    Read.  Not a magazine, a book.  Fall into another world and give yourself a break from reality.  Explore the world from your favorite armchair…

3.    Journal.  Write about anything and everything.  Instead of keeping your thoughts, fears and dreams locked within – let go.  Thoughts spinning in your mind can trap you into fear, but brought into the light – things can be hashed out. 

4.    Arts.  Draw, paint, play musical instruments – be creative.  When you participate in the arts, you allow your incessantly thinking mind to stop.  If you believe you can’t draw – get a coloring book.  Relax and play.

5.    Nature.  Go for a walk or hike and really examine the path around you.  Do you see any animals?  Are the leaves falling?  How does the ground feel beneath your feet?  Can you smell the changing seasons?  Sink into this moment with all your senses. 

6.    Meditate.  Meditation is a pathway to transformation – changing your thoughts does change your life. 

7.    Garden.  Nothing is more grounding or nourishing then hands in the dirt.  Just because the weather has shifted does not mean the growing season has ended – bulbs.  Plant bulbs outside for spring and indoors for beauty.  Try paperwhites and amaryllis in glass vases and enjoy the magic of new life unfold right before your eyes.

8.    Be still.  Sit by a window and see what is happening in your own backyard.  Does the yard need attention?  Are there any animals?  Birds?  How do you feel within as you look out?  What thoughts pop in?  Are they lifting you up or pushing yourself down?  Can you gently, kindly make a shift?

Of course there are moments when we may feel lonely, but when these moments stretch into a way of being – unhappiness and isolation are the result.  It does not have to be this way…It begins with you.

Each of us confronts stress every day, and how we choose to deal with this has a direct effect on our happiness and well-being.  Often our emotions cloud our ability to make good decisions and unwittingly we continue a negative pattern of stress-management.  Use these five easy suggestions to improve your capacity to handle the stressful events that come your way and begin living more contently today…

 1.       Breathe.  When stressful events occur, often our first response involves an involuntary level of panic; blood may rush to our faces, stomachs drop, breathing quickens…By stopping yourself and focusing your attention on three deep breaths, this allows all of your senses and self to become fully present in the situation.  From this present place, better decisions are made.  Clarity is achieved when you can detach from an emotional, automatic response and shift to a perspective of ration and reason.  

2.       Don’t blame – including yourself!  No matter how you slice it – here you are and there is something for you to learn right now – what is it?  Here’s a hint; it’s all about you.  How someone else is behaving may not be appropriate, but strip the extras away and it is still all about you.  Instead of pointing fingers at any one else or even yourself, what do you need to do right now?  What is your part and how can you make it better today?   (Warning: be careful not to fall into victim thinking – “I’m so bad” – that it keeps you from moving forward.  It’s not about blame, but opportunity.) 

3.       Ask for help/support.  If you are feeling stressed, sometimes one of the best things you can do is seek the counsel of a wise friend, therapist or spiritual advisor.  An outside perspective can illuminate personal blind spots that may be tripping you up over and over…

4.       Stay present and flexible – don’t spin out.  A thinking mind can be a dangerous thing – imagining the worst-case-scenarios can be almost intoxicating to obsess over, but stop yourself.  It is likely none of these worst-cases will come to pass and you have wasted all that time and energy as to be prepared – just in case the worst-case happens then you’ll know what to do…Stop.  These are future concerns, shift back to what can I do right now and keep your options open.  Rigid thinking of “if this happens, then…” traps you in repeating the same cycles over and over. 

5.       Focus on your desired outcome.  It is very easy to identify want you don’t want, but shift your focus to what you do want or how you would like your reality to be.  Whether you are having difficulty in a relationship, with money, family, it doesn’t matter – spend a few minutes each day thinking about how you would like your relationship to feel, or what it would feel like to have enough money, love…Your thoughts have power.  When you change your thoughts, you change your life – new doors open and opportunities appear…Try this for a week and watch the surprises bloom.

 Of course, the most essential tool and what frames all of these tips, is an unshakable sense of humor.  I am the first to say I have a gallows humor, but it has served me well to laugh at myself and the ridiculous situations I have found  myself  in at times – completely of my own making.  Just remember – if it doesn’t kill you, well then I guess you’re not dead…or the other answer, you GROW stronger. 

“Gentle” doesn’t come easily for me.  I was raised to work hard – achieve.  There isn’t a whole lot of room for ‘soft and gentle’ when you are in competition, even if the person you are competing against is yourself.   

I wonder though is this a part of our culture too?  A couple years ago as I was watching the Olympics with it’s random interviews of the athletes.  I was surprised when a ping-pong champion was asked, “Why hasn’t ping-pong taken off in the States?” 

“Well, Americans don’t like things to be soft.  They want to go outside for their sports.  Hard,” she said.  How right she was!

Maybe it’s because America began with immigrants trying to make a better life – as they still try today.  Competition is a naturally outcrop of this path.  Or maybe it’s because we have so much already, organized competition has to be hard.  Or maybe it’s because Americans are driven to get their slice of the pie…

My grandfather came over from Ireland when he was about twenty and he was hungry.  Hungry for food, hungry for money and safety, hungry for love, hungry for a place be.  Unfortunately, he stayed hungry his whole life and passed this hunger, this ‘not enough’ feeling onto his children, my mother.  She too passed this message onto me, and my other siblings through her own words and deeds. 

And here I am today with a choice, “Do I too pass this hunger onto my children?  Do I continue the cycle of ‘not enough’?”  Of course the answer is easy, no I won’t pass it along…but do I anyway?  Through my own thoughtless deeds and words?  Sometimes horribly, yes.

So today I am working on – gentle and being soft.  Not to hear words spoken to me through a filter of fear and pain, but through light.  To expect the best from everyone and not to take it personally if another does not want to behave from their highest self.  That is their problem, their journey – my focus is with self.  And with myself – I am gentle and soft.  So be it.

4.  Support.  How is your to-do’s list?  Pretty long?  Do you feel overwhelmed and unappreciated?  Can you just not get out of your own way sometimes?  Are you happy?  Do you have fun?  Most importantly, have you asked for help?

Each of us needs help, yet very few of us are good at asking for it.  You want to do it yourself.  You don’t want to bother or inconvenience others.  You worry about what people might think.  The result is you fall deeper into the quagmire.  You become exhausted and resentful, however you and you alone are responsible for getting to this place.

Stop with your denials, exclaims and pointing fingers at family, kids, duty, whatever…I’m not buying it.  In your mind you may have this idea that if you ask for help, it’s a sign of weakness or failure – wrong.  I see it as a sign of strength.  (Now I’m not talking about going overboard in this direction as well – balance.)  It’s the development of discernment – what is mine to fix and what is not. 

Support comes in many forms – spouses, friends, life coaching, support groups, books, therapists, online, religion…It is all around you, so there are no excuses of access.  You may choose to see them as for somebody else, but all that opinion really achieves is keeping you down.

Hence, back to you, do you need support?  And whom could you ask today to help?

When to act and when to wait – isn’t that the rub?  In relationships as in life we have to make decisions all the time.  From the mundane, what’s for supper? To the serious, should I take this new job?  For some people decision-making seems to be easy, while others seem to struggle with even minor decisions…

Frankly I think we all struggle, no matter our style.  What often trips us up is ourselves – our egos.  We think everything is about us whether we want to admit or not.  People are rude to you, not the rest of the crowd.  She/he is taking it out on only you.  You take things personally, even while you try to laugh it off…Sound familiar?

Since we are in the midst of mercury retrograde, this is a great time to work on discernment.  Why?  Things are going wrong. Communications, travel, and messages are all messed up.  Thus creating perfect opportunities to take life personally with offenses – real or imagined.

Therefore when these offenses, a.k.a. opportunities come your way (and they will!), I invite you to do the opposite of your ‘normal’ response.  If you traditionally speak your mind, keep quiet.  Yet if you are usually, ‘mum is the word’ – now is the time to find your voice.  You’ll be surprised with your results.

The only way you learn discernment is through living – being the idiot in some moments and stunningly brilliant in others.  I’ve tried to avoid the idiot-side during this mercury retrograde by using the opposite technique in conflicts and/or odd situations – keep quiet and wait for others to come to me.  Honestly I’ve been astounded by what I’ve learned.  Maybe you will too, give it a try…

Watching your loved ones suffer is hard.  Harder still is not trying to ‘fix’ the problem or the person yourself.

 It is almost impossible for me to hold my tongue when I see my loved ones struggling.  Most of the time I am able to withhold my advice by the simple truth, I am not really doing any of them any favors when I interfere.  Sure, it feels good to me to offer my so called wise council, but am I really helping?  Or am I denying them their own empowerment by wanting them to do it my way?

 I may think I am saving them from making the wrong choice, but don’t we all know it’s in those mistakes that the greatest lessons can be discovered?  Within the lesson, transformational moments happen – ultimately unlocking each person’s own separate peace. 

 When I step in, I deny my loved ones this opportunity.  I learned awhile ago that when you really love someone you allow them their failures.  There is room for mistakes and you continue to love them.  You may not excuse or accept all the behaviors, but with healthy boundaries, you can still love them as they stumble through the quagmire to a new day. 

 Hence instead of offering unsolicited advice, I encourage you to tell your loved ones you belief in them.  Maybe you do need to connect them to outside support.  Do, and then step back.  Return your focus to what you can fix, you. 

 You will discover much of your pointing at another’s problems is really masking your own real hurts that need healing.  This is your work.

 Later this week I will discuss healthy boundaries and family.  Please email me any specific questions that I can include in the discussion.

During each of my pregnancies, I gained between 60-70 pounds.  For the first time in my life – twice, I was huge – I had kankles…not good a look on anyone, even while carrying a new life…Then I breast-fed, which in my opinion, is no weight loss support.  Since I was small before kids, I was shocked to be 35 pounds heavier after each birth, but I thought – easy, I’ll diet…Then I discovered – dieting sucks. 

 After my first child, I basically beat and starved the weight off, but that was no help the second time around.  I could not lose that extra 35 pounds no matter the diet or exercise regime – it just clung to me yet I knew there had to be something more going on.  My health was fine, but I was pissed.  I was mad at my husband for some valid and not valid reasons, I was mad at my body – why won’t these extra pounds go away??  I was irritable and I felt like a horrible mother snapping at little things.  I knew I needed help.

 A mentor of mine suggested we discover if there wasn’t something sub-consciously sabotaging my weight-loss through an technique she called, “going into the boardroom.”  Basically she guided me through a relaxing meditation ultimately leading me to a “boardroom.”

 Within the boardroom sat all the sides/voices of me about my weight…together we opened the door and listened to each of the different voices present.  Honestly, I was stunned by the sub-conscious thoughts present…Some were mad at my husband; some didn’t think mothers should be thin and attractive; some didn’t like being in charge of all these little people; some missed playing and having fun; some were worried I wasn’t doing a good enough job…Patiently, we listened to each of these voices and gently, but firmly took charge of the room.

 It was a transformational moment because not only did I discover the unconscious drivers of my weight, but I was able to “soothe” and “take-care” of those voices without judgment.  Amazingly, the weight melted away over the next few months, but I discovered I needed to see myself differently too.

 I wasn’t twenty-something any longer – without responsibilities and kids.  With the passage of time and two births, my body would never be the same – how could it?  Metabolic rates change, hormones shift, muscles age and gravity is a cruel mistress…But with age and time, comes familiarity, comfort, and understanding of self.

 My weight fluctuates each month a solid 5 pounds depending on where I am in my cycle.  My metabolic rate has slowed down and to be the weight I like, I need to exercise 4 or 5 days a week.  I can eat what I like as long as I watch my portion size and I usually don’t eat after 8 pm…  

 But most of all, I had to stop chasing thin.  When I stopped – took care of myself by examining the underlining issues driving my weight and dealing with them, well then…thin found me again. 

 * Through the “boardroom” technique I was able to unlock the blocks to my own weight issues and in turn, further help my clients.  As years ago, I added this technique to my private practice with amazing results for clients in regards to not only blocks with weight, but also with family, deserving, not enough, wealth, prosperity…The possibilities for transformation are endless.

Here is the bitch of it: for all my understanding and faith in a higher power – life is still not fair sometimes.  How can this be?  Where is my God from the 1^st Testament?  A righteous and violent God who punishes those who sin?  Then I remember rainbows…God gave up leveling communities with floods and plagues in the 1^st Testament, instead offering rainbows as a sign of his infinite love.  Personally, some days I long for the Bad-ass God…

 I try to comfort myself with the belief, “I can only see in part, You see all.”  Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn’t.  I am reminded of Jesus on the cross crying of for his father near the end…I know that desperation, the fear of being abandoned as you know in your heart you have done all that has been required of you, yet still you hang on the cross, pushed to the outside.  How can this be?   

“I can only see in part…”