“Gentle” doesn’t come easily for me.  I was raised to work hard – achieve.  There isn’t a whole lot of room for ‘soft and gentle’ when you are in competition, even if the person you are competing against is yourself.   

I wonder though is this a part of our culture too?  A couple years ago as I was watching the Olympics with it’s random interviews of the athletes.  I was surprised when a ping-pong champion was asked, “Why hasn’t ping-pong taken off in the States?” 

“Well, Americans don’t like things to be soft.  They want to go outside for their sports.  Hard,” she said.  How right she was!

Maybe it’s because America began with immigrants trying to make a better life – as they still try today.  Competition is a naturally outcrop of this path.  Or maybe it’s because we have so much already, organized competition has to be hard.  Or maybe it’s because Americans are driven to get their slice of the pie…

My grandfather came over from Ireland when he was about twenty and he was hungry.  Hungry for food, hungry for money and safety, hungry for love, hungry for a place be.  Unfortunately, he stayed hungry his whole life and passed this hunger, this ‘not enough’ feeling onto his children, my mother.  She too passed this message onto me, and my other siblings through her own words and deeds. 

And here I am today with a choice, “Do I too pass this hunger onto my children?  Do I continue the cycle of ‘not enough’?”  Of course the answer is easy, no I won’t pass it along…but do I anyway?  Through my own thoughtless deeds and words?  Sometimes horribly, yes.

So today I am working on – gentle and being soft.  Not to hear words spoken to me through a filter of fear and pain, but through light.  To expect the best from everyone and not to take it personally if another does not want to behave from their highest self.  That is their problem, their journey – my focus is with self.  And with myself – I am gentle and soft.  So be it.

My body is healed by flowing Grace. I release what has become hardened. Gentle purity fills body and soul. I feel the blessing of Grace-filled Life

Ignore the naysayers and follow your dreams one step at a time.  Trust in yourself and an abundant universe that is always looking to lift you up.  In this trust, victory is assured even if it is not apparent at this moment…All matter of things are well, all is well.

5.  Where do you like to go on vacation?  Think about it – are you a beach person?  Mountains?  Does a big city escape sound delightful?  Or are you more interested in wandering a vineyard?  What do you like to do on vacation?  Read?  Play?  Explore a new area? 

 Now here is the transformational question – can you get more vacation into your life now?  Maybe you can’t get to the beach or mountains this year, but you could go explore a town you’ve never visited before and stay within a few hours of your home.  Or this summer you could go for more picnics and walks. Maybe you can simple choose to stretch out on a huge blanket in the sun to read and doze the afternoon away… 

 The good things in life aren’t to be saved up for a week here and there on vacation.  Good things aren’t to be put off day after day until the ‘right’ moment.  Life is meant to be savored this moment.  “Suck the marrow of the day,” so to speak.  This is your life, now go have some fun!

4.  Who do you want to be?  Just you – not the ‘you’ your parents, lover or even friends want you to be, but who do you want to be?  Do you want to be generous?  Do you want to be funny?  Do you want to be happy?  Do you want to be sexy?  Do want to be successful?

 Here’s the thing, I bet you know what you don’t want, but do you know what you do want?  When you focus your attention on the don’ts, you can never get to what you do want or who you want to be.  There’s a negative mindset that attaches to the don’ts and that is all you can see in any situation – how it doesn’t work, you don’t like this or that…So today instead of focusing on what you don’t like about a person, a situation or even yourself, concentrate on what you do like…Not surprisingly you will notice when you focus on the do-likes about a person or situation, suddenly things are better.  You have more energy.  You are in a better mood and life is better… 

3.  What do you love?  Not who, but what – do you love adventure?  Challenges?  Drawing?  Hiking?  Reading?  Laughing?  Travel?  Whatever it is, do you have enough of it in your life right now?  Or do you hear excuses tripping from your lips – there isn’t enough time…Is your day so packed with your to-do’s and work that you exclude the very things in life that bring you real pleasure? 

 Sure a drink after a long day may feel relaxing, but it is not rejuvenating.  Each of us is responsible for our own happiness.  Really, it’s up to you to fill your days with good things in life as well as ‘duties.’  Certainly there are periods in each of our lives when money is tight and responsibilities run deep.  This is exactly when those good things are essential.  Unfortunately we often push these joys off to another day – when we can afford it, when there is enough time…Stop, life is right now. 

 I invite you to expand.  Begin to expand your thinking to include more.  More beauty – plant some seeds and watch the miracles unfold.  More fun – when’s the last time you played hop-scotch or a pick-up game of anything?   More time – who decided you needed a list this full anyway?  It is time to let go of a perfect ‘image’ of how life should look and begin developing a life that does work…

What mistake do you keep making?   First thing that pops in your head – what is the mistake you keep making over and over?  Money?  Love?  Balance?  Diet?…Ok, got it?

 Now the transformational question – what are you accomplishing by keeping this pattern?  Does it proof yourself to be bad or deficient in some way?  Does it keep you down?  If you take a moment and really look at your repeating pattern, you can be certain of one thing – this pattern is firmly locked to your ego.  What if instead of being right, you chose a path of peace.  What if you surrendered having it your way and focused on a peaceful solution for all?

 One of my own stumbling blocks that can sometimes drag me back into my ego is my temper.  I have one of those red-head, Irish kind of tempers that can sometimes lead to an intense vocabulary quickly.  I have learned to remain quiet when I am pissed and give myself some time.  I have learned it is more important to me to show up with people the way I choose, even if that means postponing conversations, instead of spiraling into a heated exchange for the sake of immediate resolution.  Dare I say that sometimes my bad temper has little to do with the others, as much as with myself? 

 Thus on most occasions I have learned to self-monitor my reactions to the unexpected events and people in my life the way I choose.  By creating a little space around myself with time and self-awareness, I am able to show up the way I want and make more empowered decisions from a clear mind, not impassioned emotions. 

 Now, back to you – what mistake do you keep making and today, try something new.  Try to frame your response with how can I show up the way I want.  Maybe you need time, maybe you need to let go or maybe, only you know…

Using your Natural instincts to empower your Life

 Hopefully you have discovered which one or two instincts drive many of your life choices.  Now the question is how to make it work for you?  Simple answer, detach.  It may seem kind of complicated or cold at first, but it’s easy once you get the hang of it.

 When you discover the drivers of your behavior, you are able to cross into the next level in life transformation – becoming the witness.  For example, say you have a dominate social instinct – guess what?  You automatically know how groups work and you can use it to your advantage as to which careers you follow or simply in any unknown social environment.  If you feel yourself being pulled into an old pattern of trying to please everyone, this can now signal you that something is amiss.  Now you can stop and re-assess what’s really going on by detaching from your pattern and stepping into a witness space to ‘see’ what’s really going on.

 A dominate sexual instinct can be fun because you always know who’s ‘got-it’ and that’s not always who you would expect.  Usually with a strong sexual instinct you are able to feel not only individual energy shifts but situational or environmental shifts.  Being so closely aligned with the physical, helps you identify even the most subtle energy shifts – thus listen to your body.  When you get that icky feeling, it’s time to go, no questions asked.

 A strong self-preservation instinct can help you see solutions and options where others can not.  You are willing to look at all the sides to discern the best path.  Sometimes this can delay or even paralysis your decisions, but it can also lead to the most empowered decision – you aren’t going with your gut, you’re making an informed decision.

 All three instincts can lift you up or cripple you, depending on how you choose to use them.  It’s an opportunity.  An opportunity to live your most empowered life, if you choose. 

For each of us there are unconscious drivers, or instincts that frame all our decisions-making processes.  The instincts can be broken down into three separate groups – sexual, social and self-preservation.  Now remember this is not a conscious choice, just a part of who you are automatically and understanding your own drivers helps you make more empowered decisions.

 Here is how the three instincts work – we use all three.  However one instinct is usually dominate, with another instinct right next to it to reinforce the imbalance.

 For example, my husband’s dominate instinct is social.  When you have dominate social instinct you can walk into any room and know almost automatically who’s who.  You know who has the power, you understand the politics of the group and you know how to get them to like you.  Being liked by the group is very important to you…This instinct can be very helpful in your career if you learn how to use it to your advantage, not to an obsession.

 A dominate sexual instinct does not mean you are sex-crazed (though it could…)  For this individual, when you walk into a room, you know immediately who has the ‘mojo.’  You could care less if the group likes you, it’s just a few that are important to you.  Again this can be very helpful as you feel more empowered in yourself as a person, however too out of balance and you are making poor life choices.

 The final dominate instinct is self-preservation.  This person brings a sweater with them and a snack in their bag, just in case.  This person is prepared.  Sometimes too prepared – fearing the worst case-scenarios around every corner.  Being liked by the group is really only necessary to this person as a way to stay safe.

 Each of us are able to choose from all three instincts to use in a  specific situation, but you tend to go with the same one or two, often leading to imbalance.  As I said before my husband has a very strong social instinct with self-preservation right behind.  As a child he was the peacemaker and his world felt safe if everybody liked him and got along…Unfortunately that’s a lot of work as an adult – everybody liking him to get along…That strategy may have worked as a child, but now it creates problems.

 Myself, I have a dominate sexual instinct with self-preservation right behind.  In my past I have used sex to feel safe in relationships and to feel empowered.  Unfortunately if I operated exclusively from this mindset, I am not allowing myself to be more than sex.  The world is too big and exciting to have to operate from such a narrow vision of self.

 Another friend is dominated by a self-preservation instinct with social instincts directly supporting it.  For her, there is never enough.  Many of her decisions about career and relationships hinge on the question, is this safe?  So much of life passes her by because she is paralyzed by the what if’s and what will they think?

 Take a look at yourself.  What is driving your decisions?  Do you want to feel safe?  Do you use sex as a tool?  Does being liked by the group matter too much?  Email me with any questions that may arise.

 Next time we will discuss how to use your instincts to empower your life instead of hindering it…

“Friendship is a privilege, not a right.”  A friend of mine said this to me one night as we were painting our nails, watching trashy Melrose Place and gabbing about boys.  She doesn’t remember even saying it.  We were discussing something about mean girls in college and friendship…The details don’t matter though, it’s the words.

 Friendship is a privilege, not a right.  You don’t have to be friends with everybody, simple – right?  Drop the mean ones and real friends don’t do bad things anyway?  Really?  Friends don’t make mistakes?  You don’t make mistakes?

 About eight plus years ago this same friend of mine kind of lost it.  She had gotten married and well, things just weren’t working out the way she had envisioned.  She was lonely and one day I received a scathing email about not being there for her, her new baby and supporting her new life.

 I was shocked.  She was absolutely right, I had not been there for her, that much was true.  For I was in my own hell – my 15 month old son was struggling with constant seizures and a multitude of other health issues.  I wasn’t sleeping.  I was trying to find answers to these unknown seizures any where.  Doctors appointments, diets, remedies – we were in the midst of a very real health crisis…Frankly I had every right to send the hate right back to my so-called friend, but gratefully, somehow, I could see through the words to the real message – I miss you and I’m scared.

 Instead of getting mad and screaming at her, I told her what was going on in my own life.  Then I said I missed her and loved her too, but I couldn’t have a friend treating me this way.  I reminded her of her words and she found sanity again.  She was aghast at herself, apologizing and most importantly, we became closer.

 I have never held this against her because it allowed me the opportunity to be truthful, kindly and find resolution peacefully – things can work out.  This incident helped me transcend into a better me.   Oddly I never took any of it personally (how could I honestly say I have never pulled something like this before with someone else?)  I let any negative feeling go easily and effortlessly, only keeping the gratefully lessons. Conflict does not have to lead to destruction, it can lead to a better way…

 Conflict is a part of life.  With yourself, with your friends, with your family…How you react to conflict is often dependant on your prior experience with conflict.  You could have been taught conflict is best to avoid at any cost or even that conflict is exciting. 

 Instead of allowing conflict to be what it used to be or the end-all, I invite you to see it for what it could be, a new beginning…So be it.