Watching your loved ones suffer is hard.  Harder still is not trying to ‘fix’ the problem or the person yourself.

 It is almost impossible for me to hold my tongue when I see my loved ones struggling.  Most of the time I am able to withhold my advice by the simple truth, I am not really doing any of them any favors when I interfere.  Sure, it feels good to me to offer my so called wise council, but am I really helping?  Or am I denying them their own empowerment by wanting them to do it my way?

 I may think I am saving them from making the wrong choice, but don’t we all know it’s in those mistakes that the greatest lessons can be discovered?  Within the lesson, transformational moments happen – ultimately unlocking each person’s own separate peace. 

 When I step in, I deny my loved ones this opportunity.  I learned awhile ago that when you really love someone you allow them their failures.  There is room for mistakes and you continue to love them.  You may not excuse or accept all the behaviors, but with healthy boundaries, you can still love them as they stumble through the quagmire to a new day. 

 Hence instead of offering unsolicited advice, I encourage you to tell your loved ones you belief in them.  Maybe you do need to connect them to outside support.  Do, and then step back.  Return your focus to what you can fix, you. 

 You will discover much of your pointing at another’s problems is really masking your own real hurts that need healing.  This is your work.

 Later this week I will discuss healthy boundaries and family.  Please email me any specific questions that I can include in the discussion.

…Liking yourself.  When you like yourself, you accept yourself.  As life twists and turns, you respond with humor and compassion.  You allow yourself mistakes without judgment, as you know that nobody, including you is perfect. 

 When you like yourself, you aren’t threatened by another’s success.  You know there is enough for all and you are grateful.

 And best of all, when you like yourself, it shows.  There’s a certain glow of self-worth that radiates from those who like themselves.  It is attractive and you’ll notice, those who like themselves seem to have people around that like them too…

 How about you, do you like yourself?  Can you laugh with yourself, instead of at yourself?  Have you discovered the secret to happiness?

Using your Natural instincts to empower your Life

 Hopefully you have discovered which one or two instincts drive many of your life choices.  Now the question is how to make it work for you?  Simple answer, detach.  It may seem kind of complicated or cold at first, but it’s easy once you get the hang of it.

 When you discover the drivers of your behavior, you are able to cross into the next level in life transformation – becoming the witness.  For example, say you have a dominate social instinct – guess what?  You automatically know how groups work and you can use it to your advantage as to which careers you follow or simply in any unknown social environment.  If you feel yourself being pulled into an old pattern of trying to please everyone, this can now signal you that something is amiss.  Now you can stop and re-assess what’s really going on by detaching from your pattern and stepping into a witness space to ‘see’ what’s really going on.

 A dominate sexual instinct can be fun because you always know who’s ‘got-it’ and that’s not always who you would expect.  Usually with a strong sexual instinct you are able to feel not only individual energy shifts but situational or environmental shifts.  Being so closely aligned with the physical, helps you identify even the most subtle energy shifts – thus listen to your body.  When you get that icky feeling, it’s time to go, no questions asked.

 A strong self-preservation instinct can help you see solutions and options where others can not.  You are willing to look at all the sides to discern the best path.  Sometimes this can delay or even paralysis your decisions, but it can also lead to the most empowered decision – you aren’t going with your gut, you’re making an informed decision.

 All three instincts can lift you up or cripple you, depending on how you choose to use them.  It’s an opportunity.  An opportunity to live your most empowered life, if you choose. 

3. Do you feel required to help?  It’s your job?  Is there a guilty, emotional tug that drives you to help?  A good question for yourself is – do I have a choice?  If you don’t feel like you have a choice, nine times out of ten you are really rescuing. 

 When you help someone from a healthy place, it’s from a place of fullness not lack.  Your support is not dependent on anything in return, just goodwill.  Your help has healthy boundaries and you are able to see the person also has choices.  The person can say no to your offered help and it’s ok.  You can say no and that’s ok too. 

 If you struggle with saying no, then I encourage you to go deeper.  This isn’t about helping someone else, but about validating how you see yourself.  Rescuing becomes how you identify yourself and your role in relationships.  Ultimately it becomes how you see your worth – to rescue others…Unfortunately this seemingly ‘good’ intention is actually harmful – do you really know what’s best for others?  Are you some all-knowing God here to re-direct your loved ones to the right path?  Maybe making mistakes is how they will learn the lessons they are here to transcend… 

 I like to think of babies learning to walk.  They must fall down, over and over.  They will never, ever learn to walk on their own if someone is always holding them up beneath their arms.  They need to find their own balance amid the falls…We never change.  Our falls look different at 32 and 48, but fall we do…And each of us, no matter what the event, must find our own separate peace…Can you allow another’s peace to look different from your own and be ok with that?

2. Regardless of whether the person asked for help or not, can the person do this for themselves?  Or is your ‘help’ keeping this person in a victim place or dependent on you? 

 Sure, sometimes we all need help.  There are real health crises and other life events that require support from those around us, but is your help actually undermining the success of another?  Does this other person need to do for themselves if only to know they can?  Sometimes our help does more harm then good.

1.  When we rescue, often we just step in without an invitation.  We withhold information from the person to ‘protect’ them or we ‘do’ things for the person to make it easier for them, after all, we’re just helping.  

 Actually, there is a fine line between helping and enabling.  I good way to identify the difference is to ask yourself if you are looking for a pay-off?  Are you looking to control something, someone or even the information?  Are you looking for love?  Are you trying to keep things the same?  Do you want to feel like the special friend/lover who really understands?  If you are looking for any emotional payoff – guess what?  You are in rescue mode.

 As you can see, when you are rescuing someone, it is actually about you and how you want to feel about yourself.  You may convince yourself it is about the other, but that’s a mirage to keep your self-image held up.  If you are rescuing then you can’t be the one messed up, right?

 Rescuing keeps you busy.   Obligations are created to distract and provide excuses as to why your own goals and dreams are delayed if not ultimately left unrealized.  It’s a choice.  It’s a choice to get into your own life and rescue yourself from the same behaviors that keep you in a less-than place.

Are you rescuing someone?  Here are three simple questions to ask yourself before you help…

 1.         Has this person asked you to do this for them? 

2.         Can this person do this for themselves?

3.         Do you want to do it?

 Rescuing others comes as the cost of our own journey.  How can you possibly get to your own best life when you are distracted by where those around you are on their own journeys?  Or is that the point?  Does rescuing others keep you from ‘failing’ at your own life?

 This week in my blog I will be examining these three questions and how they impact you connecting to your most abundant life…So take a few moments over the next day and really look at the relationships in your own life – are you rescuing someone?  Check back tomorrow to explore what may be driving your desire to rescue…

“Friendship is a privilege, not a right.”  A friend of mine said this to me one night as we were painting our nails, watching trashy Melrose Place and gabbing about boys.  She doesn’t remember even saying it.  We were discussing something about mean girls in college and friendship…The details don’t matter though, it’s the words.

 Friendship is a privilege, not a right.  You don’t have to be friends with everybody, simple – right?  Drop the mean ones and real friends don’t do bad things anyway?  Really?  Friends don’t make mistakes?  You don’t make mistakes?

 About eight plus years ago this same friend of mine kind of lost it.  She had gotten married and well, things just weren’t working out the way she had envisioned.  She was lonely and one day I received a scathing email about not being there for her, her new baby and supporting her new life.

 I was shocked.  She was absolutely right, I had not been there for her, that much was true.  For I was in my own hell – my 15 month old son was struggling with constant seizures and a multitude of other health issues.  I wasn’t sleeping.  I was trying to find answers to these unknown seizures any where.  Doctors appointments, diets, remedies - we were in the midst of a very real health crisis…Frankly I had every right to send the hate right back to my so-called friend, but gratefully, somehow, I could see through the words to the real message – I miss you and I’m scared.

 Instead of getting mad and screaming at her, I told her what was going on in my own life.  Then I said I missed her and loved her too, but I couldn’t have a friend treating me this way.  I reminded her of her words and she found sanity again.  She was aghast at herself, apologizing and most importantly, we became closer.

 I have never held this against her because it allowed me the opportunity to be truthful, kindly and find resolution peacefully – things can work out.  This incident helped me transcend into a better me.   Oddly I never took any of it personally (how could I honestly say I have never pulled something like this before with someone else?)  I let any negative feeling go easily and effortlessly, only keeping the gratefully lessons. Conflict does not have to lead to destruction, it can lead to a better way…

 Conflict is a part of life.  With yourself, with your friends, with your family…How you react to conflict is often dependant on your prior experience with conflict.  You could have been taught conflict is best to avoid at any cost or even that conflict is exciting. 

 Instead of allowing conflict to be what it used to be or the end-all, I invite you to see it for what it could be, a new beginning…So be it.

5.  What is stopping you from living the life you have always dreamed of?  Money issues?  Spouse?  Relationships?  Family?  Responsibilities?  Could it be a fear of failure?  What if it doesn’t work? 

 This is the hinge point in transformation – can you transcend your fear of what if?  I bid you, courage – walk through your own unique fire and see what’s on the other side.  Use your own tools to support you – humor, intuition, friendships and a focused eye on what you do want.  Take a chance on you, you are worth it and after all, what if it’s fantastic on the other side, just waiting for you to take a chance????

4.  Are you trying to keep it the same?  Why?  Does the cost seem too great to make a change?  Does it seem impossible?  Are you afraid of hurting someone else if you do shift? 

 Whether you like it or not, this is your life.  Right here, right now.  When you place the needs of others always before your own, guess what?  You are always last on the list - your list and everyone else’s too.  You are teaching yourself and all around you that you come last. 

 Of course, there are times when it is appropriate to place the needs of others in front of your own, but you would be surprised by how few and far between this is in normal every day life.  People are not infants forever and illness, well, this is tricky, but I assure you, you just you, whether a caregiver or a patient, need to put your own needs at the top of your own list.  We all serve best from a place of fullness, not lack…

 How about if when you place the needs of others in front of your own – this does not inherently mean you are last?  Maybe move yourself down to second of third?  Do you run into any hang-ups or negative thoughts?  Around deserving, enough or possibly love?  Well now, you are getting to the foundation of the problem – what do you want and what if you deserved it?  What is stopping you?