Does your relationship feel stuck?  Going through the same patterns over and over?  Bored?  Read Passionate Marriage.  My husband and I just finished reading this life-changing book.  I’m serious – life-changing, however – not for the fate of heart.  This book is blunt with a capital “B.”

 Schnarch believes the dynamics of your relationships, for better or worse, are displayed in your sexual behaviors (i.e. who wants what, frequency, satisfaction…)  Thus what’s happening or not happening in the bedroom, is just another stage for the “real issues” of your relationship – trust, deserving, respect, etc. 

 Maybe you think you and your partner “can’t communicate anymore,” Schnarch explains how you are in fact very much communicating and how, why, when…There are about 4 or 5 couples he follows through their “time in the crucible.”  The whole concept of emotional fusion and self-soothing was keenly beneficial to not only my relationship with my husband but with everyone else in my life.

 This is a must read!

Recently several clients and friends have experienced hardships from house foreclosures to job loss to health crisis.  Unfortunately not all things in life are “good” but with the right tools, you can find your way through your own quagmire to peace…

 1.  Becoming a victim.  Often when tragedy strikes our first response is, “Why Me?”   A more realistic response would be, “Why not me?”  No one will walk through this life without mishap or tragedy.  Why?  Because it is in our “hardships/mistakes” that we learn, not our perfect moves.  I believe each of us is striving for wholeness, so we must grow – growing can hurt sometimes. 

 Years ago I was introduced to Wayne Dyer’s idea that, “there is a valid reason for everything that happens.”  At first I rebelled against this idea – I was a victim – raised in an alcoholic, violent home; molested as a teen; divorced parents; had to work my way through college; chronic pain due to a car accident…on and on I could list why life was unfair and I was a victim. 

 Then I detached and looked again – all of these horrible events taught me and brought me closer to wholeness – in ways I never expect…The chronic pain from my car accident drove me to seek alternative approaches to healing as I had exhausted all the traditional medical avenues.  By going down this alternative path, one I would have never walked without this unrelenting pain – I unlocked a whole new life, a new path to peace. 

 When you are a victim, it is impossible to see past traumatic events to, “What do I need to learn from this?” and “What is my body/soul trying to tell me?” i.e. “What do I need to learn from this experience so I don’t find myself in these shoes again?” When you decide there is a valid reason for everything, you take back your power.  Instead of being tossed about as a victim of circumstances, you own this experience and glean the knowledge to transcend tragic events.  You grow into fullness.

 Once I was able to shift from “poor me” to “What can I learn from this to empower my life today?” (“When have I felt this way before? Or is this a bad pattern I am in?”)  I was able to unlock the victim response from any experience.  Thus I created a pocket of peace within whatever tragedy/difficult event occurred because I know, there is a valid reason for everything…even if today I can not see what that reason is.

 2.  Seek support.  Ok, it is all well and good to know, “There is a valid reason…” but we still need support.  Call friends, family and if need be, professional support.  Even if we know somewhere inside, “there is a valid reason…” - we still are in pain and that must be attended to.  Just because you know you are learning and growing in this process, it does not lessen the very real agony of the experience.  The good news is – people do want to help, it’s a natural response.  When you see a friend or family member in acute pain, don’t you want to help? – do something, anything. 

 Allow your friends and family to “be there” for you – you may even be surprised by someone you never expected to show up in a way that heals not only your heart, but theirs as well.  Tragic/upsetting events often create opportunities for healing in ways you don’t expect or think even thought possible before the events were put into motion.  This is the “silver lining” we refer to after the tragedy passes.

 3.  Spiritual support.  Yes, when need the support of people, but even more – spiritual support.  It is a gift we chose to accept ourselves - in our own time.  Out of sheer desperation I found God in my twenties. 

I was absolutely broken-hearted after ending a six year relationship and in chronic pain from a car accident.  Everyday would find me in tears, smoking too much pot and grasping for anyone/anything to make it better.  One Sunday, I found my way alone to church.  I was not raised in a church – in fact the opposite, as my Mom described herself as a “recovering catholic.”

I had never been to this church before and I’m not sure what the service was about as, but I do remember I wept throughout.  I couldn’t stop.  I just felt like somewhere inside I came home.  As the pastor spoke, she silently invited each one of us to know God not only by the words she uttered, but by her very presence.  This woman was peace - a beacon calling to a new life.

She spoke of a loving God who was with you always.  The words were a balm for my hurts and I could feel myself calm from the inside.  I breathed again.  Then we sang hymns, ones I had never heard before and suddenly I was singing the words, “Resting in the palm of God’s Hand,” and I was.

In that moment, I understood - I am never alone.  I looked at the shining faces around me and saw pure joy.  “Joy,” not pleasure derived from buying or attaining something, but joy - the glorious shimmering of your soul in the fullness of life.  This was a place for me, resting in the palm of God’s hand.

Today I still use this imagery over and over whenever I feel lost, or out of balance.  Sometimes, as you grow up, you discover you have to release certain beliefs you were taught as a child.  I know this lesson of “There is no God, you have to do it all,” was taught to me with the best of intentions – survival.   However, it crippled my life.  I had become obsessed with control or truly, the illusion of control and the idea I had to do it all myself – I was alone.

I am not saying you have to go to church to find God or a higher power, however titled, what I am suggesting is to find connection to something greater then self.  Maybe for you this happens in nature or art, but somehow to view yourself in partnership with the world around instead of in battle.  Once you establish connection to something greater then self, you are able to detach and really witness the events – maybe I am supposed to be learning something here instead of beating myself up about the unfairness (yes, sometimes life isn’t fair…) of it all? 

4.  Courage.  I would love to be able to say something magical that could make all the bad things go away…Well, all I’ve got is a message of courage.  Not condescending, “It will get better with time,” or “I’m so sorry for your pain,” but courage. 

I say “courage” in the full knowledge that the answer you seek as you walk through this difficult time, already rests inside you now.  Be still and listen, maybe even meditate.  For in that stillness your strength will come, and manifest a change in your life.  Be still and listen.  So be it.

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” - Winston Churchill

Everyone disagrees at some point or another, the trick is how to “discuss’ without resorting to name-calling, finger-pointing or personal attacks.  This may be easy with a store clerk, but with a spouse or friend things can get complicated quick.  These are a few tips this Irish, red-head has picked up through ten years of marriage and many clients…

 1.       Shut your mouth and listen.  Actually listen to the person you are in conflict with – do not plan your next verbal attack while the other person is speaking.  A way to force yourself to do this is to repeat back to the other person what their complaint is after him/her stops speaking.  For example, “I hear you are mad at me because I am late, correct?”

 2.       Walk away to take some time to settle down.  Sometimes whatever you are arguing about can be quite painful or upsetting and you may start feeling yourself becoming defensive and/or accusing – this is not going to lead to a positive outcome, so allow yourself some space to settle down.  Let your partner know you need some time to settle down and try to set up another time to discuss this later.  Doing this allows you to focus on the “real issues” instead of your “bad reactions” that may distract you from the “real issues.”  Some years ago when my husband and I were in marriage counseling, he would do something stupid/selfish and I would go ballistic.  It took us a long time to get to his very, real bad behaviors because my reactions would be so outrageous as to eclipse his negative behaviors.  I had to learn to settle myself down before/during discussions as to deal with the real issues.

 3.       Breathing.  Sometimes in the heat of an argument you may realize you are holding your breath or experiencing shallow breathing.  Stop speaking for a few moments and just breathe.  Use your breath to sooth yourself back down to more relaxed space – you will notice you can listen better and have more clarity after you regain your footing.

 4.       Do you want to be right or do you want to find common ground?  This is your ego wanting to “win” your arguments.  Being right all the time can ultimately lead to isolation and loneliness.  The real question to ask yourself is – why do I have to be right?  Ask yourself in the middle of an argument – am I trying to be right or can we compromise?  It takes two people to argument, but one to make a change for the better.

 5.       What is your part?  Be honest, you do have a part - even if it is very small.  The quicker you can focus on your part in the argument, the quicker you will get to resolution.  When you discover your part, you are able to learn - how to avoid this in the future, or what is important to you or even, why this isn’t working?  With better information and clarity you are able to make healthier decisions that meet the needs of both of you instead of just one. 

 6.       Humor.  Yes, some arguments are very serious and some would argue jokes are not appropriate.  However, I am Irish as I have said (gallows’ humor for sure) and the quicker I can laugh about whatever, the better.  Once I was with my sister-in-law taking care of both our kids (four in all) and my husband was two hours late getting back from a bike ride with friends.  Over the couple hours he was late – I was getting more and more pissed off.  Finally he walks through the door and my sister-in-law greets him with, “Hey, “dead-man-walking” – good to see you upright?”  I just about wet my pants I was laughing so hard.  Yes, I was still angry, but no longer at the point of inflicting bodily injury…A warning though, not everyone appreciates this humor as I have lost a friend by making this very same joke with her husband.  Needless to say, it would have happened sooner or later as I don’t take life/events nearly as dramatically as she did.

 7.       Flexibility and letting go.  Once you discover you don’t have to be “right” or recognize your part in the argument, you become more flexible.  As much as I hate it – disagreements, arguments are opportunities to bring your relationship closer be it a friend or lover.  There is no one person on the planet who you would get along with always – not even a soul-mate or twin-flame.  There will be disagreements in life if only because each of us is a separate, thinking individual with our own unique perspective.  Arguments are an opportunity to learn about yourself and your partner – it just doesn’t feel like an opportunity in the heat of the moment.  So breathe.  Be open to learning new information and once peace/harmony has been restored, let go.  Holding grudges or continuing to stew about past arguments is about you – not the other person.  These negative feeling hurt you every day and even draw more arguments into your life.  If you are having trouble “letting go” try journaling, talking with other friends or possibly seek professional help with a coach or therapist to discover how to let go or what is driving your unresolved feelings.

 These are just a few tips I have discovered thus far in my many years of marriage and working with clients.  May they serve you well.   

There’s a plumber in my kitchen right now.  Trying to clear our kitchen sink.  I keep hearing rumblings of, “I have never seen this before,” and “Well, I’ll be.”  Frankly, I’m a little nervous about the impending bill.

This is the second time he has been here in four days.  The problem had been getting worse and worse.  The water would just not drain.  Dirty water, sitting in my sink, slowly, ever so slowly draining away. Leaving a ring of slime around the bottom.  I called the plumber after many vain attempts with maximum strength Draino and a plunger.

I am grateful the plumber is here, the expert.  The first time he came, we had thought it was fixed, but after a day, we realized the problem was still there.  It was better, but not fixed.  So back he is today.

As I hear him working and rumbling,  I can not help but look at the symbolism.  I do not believe anything happens in isolation.  As Wayne Dyer says, “There is a valid reason for everything.”

I believe the Universe is conspiring to make us whole, guiding us to our best self.  We receive information and/or signs all the time.  Much of our intuition is seeing/reading the signs all around us and gleaning the most insight to make the best decisions.

Water has many different meanings for me, one being emotions.  For the past few weeks my husband and I have been, shall we say, “discussing an issue.”  Needless to say, without resolution.  Thus it is  not surprising to me that my sink has been all clogged up.  Dirty, water, old stuff mixed with the new, sitting in my kitchen sink.  Truly in the center of my home, in the center of my life.

I was thrilled last week when the plumber came and seemed to fix the problem so easily and quickly.  My husband let me know the sink was still not working the next day.  I went to where we all seek refuge –denial.  “Dear, it’s fine.  You don’t know.  What did you put down there?”  Later too, I discovered he was right, the problem was still not fixed.  The next day I called the expert again, the plumber.

He came with much bigger equipment this time,  but today, happily, he fixed it.  The clog was very deep.  He had needed to go further down the pipe last time.  He was even baffled at times today before he finally completely cleared the problem.

As I watched the plumber drive away, I smiled and was gratefully  reminded that sometimes the clogs are very deep and with the right equipment, the right support they can be cleared away.

My husband and I resolved our “issue of discontent” later that day.  We had found the support we needed to make the best decision and the problem was cleared away.

Sometimes, husbands are really annoying.  For an Irish, redhead like me, this can cause problems.  During private sessions with clients and over many years of marriage, I’ve discovered a few tricks to avoid homicide when faced with you own beloved husband disguised as the village idiot.  May these tips help you avoid temptation…

1. Pedicure.  Pretty toes are very good to look at while you are having a “talk” with your husband about whatever said grievance is occurring.  As the ridiculous phases float out of his mouth you can distract yourself by watching the light reflect off your pretty toes.  Hot red means business!

2. Music.  Anything you love to be sung loudly.  Girl-power, angry songs are particularly satisfying, such as Melissa Etheridge in her angry years.  It is very helpful to release all those suppressed emotions physically.  Exercise is very helpful too.  However, by singing you are actually speaking the words you may be holding back in “talks” with your husband for whatever reason.  If you are not ready to say these things to him, sing them and get them out of your body.  You will feel better.

3. Journal and meditate.  Write it all out.  Maybe this is just an off day and you will be able to see that as you write.  Or, maybe, this is a bigger issue — possibly a culmination of old stuff, whatever.  It is good for you to release these emotions and experiences through writing.  It forces you to become present.  Another tool to become present is guided meditation.  The meditations lead you out of your incessantly thinking mind back into balance where you can make empowered decisions.

4. Call a friend.  Sometimes just venting to someone you can trust is very helpful and can allow you to feel supported.  However, think carefully about who would be helpful to talk to before you call – chances are, whatever the issue is, it’s going to blow over sooner or later.  For example, calling your Mom to complain about your husband out drinking with the guys instead of being with you or the kids, is not going to endear him to your mother.  You could actually be creating more strain in your life.  Or, telling ALL of your girlfriends of your husband’s blunders keeps the past alive with many re-tellings and finger-pointing.  Hard to keep the high ground with petty behavior no matter how justified the indignation may be.

5. Girls’ Night.  Go have fun, laughter is essential.  Wallowing in self-pity is not productive for anyone.  Laughter will connect you to the space of, “everything is going to be ok.”  You’ll feel better and you may actually be able to breathe.

6. Send your husband out of your bed, either the sofa or guest room will do.  A little space is good.  I am not of the philosophy, “Don’t go to bed angry.”  Sometimes, you are angry and with good reason.  So give yourself the opportunity to calm down and get clear.  The separation will stop you from saying something you may regret later as well.

7. Get away.  Go on a vacation for a couple days, maybe even a week by yourself or with a girlfriend.  This is a last resort kind of thing.  Unfortunately, sending your husband down the hall doesn’t always work.  Either you are too angry, too tired, or just plain had it, to be able to find peace with this man you’ve married.  Getting away helps both of you detach a little and you get a break from whatever the problem is.  The problem truly becomes his problem when you remove yourself from the situation.

When you are finally able to relax and regain your footing, ask yourself this, real or imagined?  Is this a real issue or passing stupidity?  Let’s face it – men can say/do some pretty dumb things.  Not saying all men, but experience tells me I have heard some tales…

On the other hand, if this is a real issue - what is your part?  Unfortunately, you have a part in this too.  It is not, in fact, all him.  Maybe you just went along with it too many times, maybe he doesn’t appreciate you, maybe so many different things, but the truth is – somewhere inside, you said, “yes.”  Yes to less.

It is difficult to accept that you could be the one creating these opportunities to sabotage your life, but once realize this, you actually become empowered.  Empowered because you can make different decisions.  With clear and balanced thoughts and behaviors, you can make good decisions no matter what the situation.

So, when you are watching the light reflect off your very pretty toes as your beloved husband blurts out some offending nonsense, you will remain calm and think, “Is this a real issue or passing stupidity?”