Over the years I’ve “done a lot of work” on my spirituality and emotional well-being. I have been compelled to live “differently” than my family of origin. Amusingly, what I discovered is to “live differently” you have to make different choices in essentially the same circumstances that first caused pain…perplexed? Let me explain…
Over the years I prided myself (should have been my first clue) in not being competitive - like the rest of the family. Both my parents were coaches and teachers – intense competitors ultimately ending in an ugly divorce and my brother was a fantastic athletic with a keen desire “to win at all costs.” So, I turned my back on all things to do with sports and competition – not me. You wouldn’t catch me screaming at the TV, radio, team member, players because my team didn’t win. I was better than that…or was I? I came to discover my competitive streak lay in the covert - I am most competitive with myself and how I “should” be.
A few summers ago, my family (me, my husband & 2 kids) were getting ready to go away on a Church family camping trip. Unfortunately there was a miscommunication between my husband and myself and he picked up the kids before all the packing was complete. If you have ever tried to get ready for a trip with two small children underfoot you can imagine my irritation…No, I was mad – how could he do this? Is he a complete idiot? I couldn’t let it go.
I forgot to pack things we wanted or needed on the trip and I blamed him. I got madder with each mile as we drove closer to the Church family retreat. It’s about this time I started to think maybe I was crazy. How could I get so angry about this? Why?
I realized “why” the next day as I walked the labyrinth in the woods. I wanted to be perfect – the perfect Mom who remembers all the right “stuff” to bring on the trip - filling needs before they are known. Everyone could see how “good” I was at mothering. I would be one of “those” Moms who had it all together. Wow – I was competitive, but in covert - the most destructive kind, manipulative and desperate. I kind of laughed when I really saw the magnitude and its destructive impulses in my life. In that moment – I made a change.
I immediately apologized to my husband, again, for my lousy behavior/attitude and I was grateful. It was like I pulled a mask off unseen forces in my life that were now, no longer able to sabotage at will. I took myself down from a pedestal I created to survive an unhealthy dynamic. I now allow myself to be competitive in healthy ways – goals, exercise…and I let myself play with competition through games and races. Competition is a useful tool in so many ways; motivation, success, growth and now, even fun. So I do live in a “different” home than of my origin, but the surprise is - peace came through expansion and acceptance of competition. Not it’s exclusion, but it’s balance.
