Do you ever feel like you are emotionally spinning? Maybe you have just had a difficult encounter with a relative or even a friend? You may be able to identify – this person drives me nuts, but the real question is, why? Why has this person been able to affect you? Chances are you have been “triggered.”
“Triggering” happens when some hidden emotional response is activated. My in-laws are professionals at this by using guilt to trigger emotional responses. For example, my husband’s parents will “talk” about each sibling to the other siblings trying to get them to speak to each other…”Oh, so-and-so, really does want to be more involved with your life, but he just doesn’t feel like you care enough…” This is an attempt by someone on the outside to “trigger” or force events in a certain way.
Even though my in-laws intentions are to bring the family closer, their manipulations stall any positive outcomes and actually inject more distance within the family structure.
Often you can identify “triggering” by how you feel inside…When someone or something is “triggering” you, you may feel a tightness in your stomach or chest. Your breathing may change. Things may feel more emotionally intense or you may even feel cornered into a certain defensive reaction. You are being “triggered.”
Now, no matter how well-adjusted and balanced you are today, each of us gets “triggered” every now and then. The trick is not to fear being triggered, but to manage your reaction to whatever happens to illicit an emotional response. So the real trick is, how to stop triggering?
You “trigger” because some place inside of you is feeling under attack. For example, my in-laws use guilt to “trigger” the idea of “being a good son, brother – a good son would call his brothers, visit more, etc.” The fact is my in-laws miss their family and want them to be close. Instead of stating this desire or want, they use manipulation to “make” it happen. They use passive aggressive tactics to avoid themselves getting “hurt” because when you overtly state your desires and wants to others, you make yourself vulnerable. You give others choice - they can choose to say, “No, I don’t want to do that,” and then what?
So, how to get from, “they drive me crazy - triggering,” to witnessing what is really going on, i.e. the in-laws miss their family. One technique I discovered years ago is “writing with God.”
Whenever you are feeling uncertain about things or are triggering, get a few sheets of paper out and begin writing with God.
For example:
Kelly: I hate my in-laws. They f*&5ing suck. If I have to hear another passive aggressive crap out of their mouth, etc…
God: Yes, they do suck.
Kelly: Yeah, they really suck. Why are they so crazy? Who tortures grown children this way? Etc, etc…
God: Kelly, they are sad and miss something that is lost to them. Etc…
(Notice rational voice begins entering the conversation in opposition to ego-centered defensive response.)
The fact is your ego is the “triggered” response. Using this technique allows you to release all your negative thoughts and comments – your ego defense, instead of the usual biting your lip and stuffing all these words deep inside. By using this technique, you are able to release your own negative reactions, thus begin to detach and witness truth – your highest self, your God-response is brought forth. This “higher” place is present inside you right now, waiting to lift you up, but first you have to release your “triggered-ego” by acknowledging the hurt and pain that is present first.
Give it a try…you will be surprised to discover your highest self is waiting, inside you right now, waiting to help you transform your life. Your highest self is the path to happiness and peace everyday. The choice is yours.
