I was thinking this as we got out of the car in front of the San Jose airport in Costa Rica.  We were flying home.  The driver was paid and tipped.  I would never convert this money back into US dollars as it would be a too much of a hassle for less then $10.  I knew when I got home I would stuff my few colones in a drawer, only to discover it again a few years from now…almost useless to anyone.

 Then I saw him.  An old man sitting in his wheel chair, missing parts of both legs clutching his begging jar with the words crudely written, God Bless.  I felt elated as I walked over to him. Looking him squarely in the eyes and whispering, God Bless, I handed him the money.

 Absolute joy broke across his face, because here, $5000 colones is a lot of money.  What I could easily stuff in a drawer thoughtlessly can make his life easier, if just today.  Whenever I see a beggar I think of God and I want to share.

 I didn’t always believe this as I used to think beggars to be losers really.  If they wanted get off the streets they could was my thinking.  I wasn’t going to support their bad habits and drinking to say the least.  I then saw the movie Conversations With God and my entire belief was altered.  I realized how easily any of us could fall into this place with a few poor choices or even no choices, just a health crisis.

 I started looking at the homeless not as strangers but like me.  Haven’t I been like them?  Wouldn’t I go buy a bottle to comfort me if all was seemingly lost?  Haven’t I struggled for years with enough too? 

 This is when I decided to give – to show the world, including myself, I am a person who gives to the homeless for no other reason than gratitude.  I am grateful for these opportunities to share – out loud, without judgment.  Frankly I am joyful because I know I am saying to the world, “I live in the hand of God, all my wants will be met. Here is my open hand – outstretched for you, let me help you…”

 When the homeless man at the airport took the money from my hand, we looked deeply into each others eyes and before he could say anything, I said thank you.  He smiled, nodded his head and thanked me too.  It was I who felt blessed. 

 I felt like I had slipped into an old bible story with the stranger knocking at the door, begging for help, and I answered the door, warmly, knowing I have much to share easily and effortlessly… 

During the past couple months I have been witness to death.  A dear friend’s mother, small children and friends have died recently.  It has been an amazing lesson in living…

 Now is your time.  Today.  Nothing and I do mean nothing can make you appreciate life more than death.  Peace is to be enjoyed today and it is a choice…

 I have been honored, humbled and moved to receive updates of from a CaringBridge journal.  (CaringBridge.Org is a web site created to help you stay connected with loved ones during a serious health event.)  An old college frat brother of my husband’s is dying of brain cancer.  His wife updates the journal every few days.

 I can not begin to express how profoundly moved I am by her courage and grace as she moves through this transition.  Her beloved, the father of their child, her very best friend is moving onto another shore and she can but watch from the banks…How do you say good-bye?

 She is doing it well - celebrating small successes, humor, abounding love, tears and humbly she measures her days in conversations and words.  I am so grateful to be able to be an intimate witness of this family’s journey – I am better for it.

 Instead of shutting down, this woman’s heart bursts open – she has made to choice to celebrate and savor this moment.  Yes, she has made a choice to get into the boat with her husband.  To hold his hand until he reaches his own new shore…But she can not walk with him on his new beach, she must go back to the life they created together before this strange path unfolded.  She can only see in part right now…

 A couple weeks ago a dear friend’s mom died.  Unfortunately for this family there were many things left broken.  There are eight siblings in the family.  Before meeting the other siblings at the funeral, I only heard stories of the bickering.  In my mind I saw little kids fighting about who loves me best, hence when I saw this motley lot I was shocked to see they were all old people with gray hair.  For many of them, they had made the choice to be angry - forever. 

 Let’s be clear, most of us did not get the childhood we wanted.  There were real disappointments, betrayals, maybe violence and here we are.  I would say 90% of all parents are trying to do there best.  Unfortunately the best someone’s got can be stunning inadequate at times… 

 The wife I spoke of early could have made the choice to be angry – the situation is unfair.  Her husband was well just a year ago and now here they are.  I dare say this wasn’t the ending she wanted – it is cut too short. 

 And she responds with love, savoring the moments, the surprising conversations, thankful for the prayers holding them up and finding comfort in the sure knowledge – today she can only see in part, one day, one day she will see all…

 Information to create your own network of support through the CaringBridge.org. 

Fannie Flagg creates another small southern hamlet that one wishes to fall into – hilarious and heart-warming.  On the outset though, if you don’t like little old ladies with all their quirks and habits, skip it.  Myself, I expect to be an outrageous little old lady one day…

 Elner, Verbena, Norma and Tot each bring their own unique perspective to all they encounter.  Whether in heaven or at the beauty parlor, each has a voice that rings true with the reader.  Who doesn’t have a friend who looks like a monkey?  Thereby forcing you to rethink the whole evolution thing…

 This book is delightful – and a perfect distraction during the holidays.  Enjoy!   

Years ago I read or someone said to me – happiness is a by-product of a fulfilled life.  Of course I could see the truth of this statement at the time, but what I did not anticipate, over the course of living, is how much the definition of a fulfilled life would change…

 Let’s be clear we all strived to have a fulfilling life in the beginning, but what exactly does that mean?  It seems just when our lives are full with spouses, kids, work, money, debt, exercise, food…these very full lives aren’t so happy.  There is no time, too much to do, too full.  Aren’t you happy?  Can’t you feel the happy by-product of all this fullness???  No? 

 Sometime I believe we get lost a little – we think fullness is a result of doing.  The more we do, the happier we will be.  Unfortunately instead of happiness, all this doing leads to exhaustion and dissatisfaction with life.  It leads to simmering anger and resentment – after all, I’m doing this for you! 

I encourage you to look at your life at this moment – are you doing too much all to be happy?  To make someone else happy? 

 Happiness is a by-product of a fulfilled life.  However a fulfilled life is defined through balance, gratitude, love, humor and expansion.  But here’s the deal, there are times in your life where the interior of your life has to be big because the exterior of your life is limited.

 What pops to mind are the months I spent sitting on the couch breastfeeding and watching trashy TV.  It was a boring period in our lives, just ask my husband, lots of DVDs, but I was happy.  A bit mind numbed certainly, but happy.  I surrendered; I shifted my imagined full life to fit where I was right then.  I stopped trying to put/fit everything/everyone in and I surrendered to that moment.  I was fulfilled, I was enough.

 I would love to say I have always found this balance wherever life found me, but alas not, feet of clay here.  I sometimes get caught back up in enough – having enough, being enough, doing enough…until I am angry and frustrated – with God, life, myself, my husband, family, work, the store clerk….But this is where I make the turn.  My anger tips me off that I need to make a shift, a shift to re-evaluate and find my footing again – the quicker, the better. 

 For I know happiness is a by-product of a fulfilled life and that changes all the time.    

You either like Lewis Black or you deem him annoying – I am of the former group.  I enjoyed this book immensely particularly chapters jesus loves me, this I know; golfing in the kingdom and in the land of seagulls and gingham.

 Black is honest and funny.  He loves the ritual and mystery of a ‘higher power’ yet hates it’s translation through the tongues of fools, conmen or worse, murderers.  It seems to rattle his senses a bit and for a man who protests at having no faith, me thinks he protests too much.  An examined faith is a living faith.  I would say Black’s religion has a lot of wicked humor, love for all and a healthy dose of raunchy sex.  Enjoy!

I bought this book as I was traveling - stuck in an airport as I recall and about to spend the next three hours sitting in a cramped seat - 5C - on the tarmac waiting for weather to pass and I barely noticed.  This book is absolute trash – like a soap opera and I loved it.

 I remembered the author from Sex and the City and thought; at least this will be funny – it was.  The characters are cutting and all-too-real.  Definitely gets you to thinking about what makes people tick and how one deed leads to another and another until you are down a road maybe you didn’t expect…

 This is a very light, amusing read that will keep you chuckles even in the worst of circumstances.     

I have always been a supporter of Ted Kennedy.  I’m from New England, Irish, liberal and out-spoken – he fit.  What I didn’t know was how great the man was and I believe this was a direct result of not only the tragedies that stuck his family but of his own failings. 

 Instead of turning inward, Kennedy responded to tragedy after tragedy with love, joy and light.  I was amazed at how well Kennedy treated his naysayers.  Frankly, I was inspired to be more compassionate, and to suffer the slings and arrows with just a bit more humor.

 I watched pretty much the entire tribute – it truly was a perfect Irish wake/funeral/burial.  Tears, tall tales and God.  From John Culver’s sailing adventure with Ted that had me falling off the sofa laughing so hard to the story of Kennedy spreading dirt over a grave in Israel.  I was completely and utterly moved by this man, his life, his faith, his good works and the love he held for his family, friends and the least among us. 

 Perfectly, my Dad called on Saturday late to review the services.  I knew he would be watching – just like me.  For as Chris Dodd so honestly spoke – Irish love the funerals.  We discussed the letter to the pope – both of us noted how Kennedy acknowledged his imperfect life, but through his faith and work he tried to right his path.

 Our conversation meandered to our own family, and my father, for the first time, copped to his own short-comings when he and my Mom were married.  Sure he had said he wasn’t perfect, but he really acknowledged how bad he was and how ashamed he was of that time.  He can’t look back and I agree. 

 I am grateful for his acknowledgment of the past, but I believe in moving forward.  I believe it is the energy that you put into each of your present moments that drives your life today.  For each of us will fall off the path, that is given.  It is how we choose to continue after the fall that builds the character of person. 

 May flights of angels carry you home Ted Kennedy, bless you.

The other day as I ate lunch in a café and two tables over sat a new couple.  The man was in his fifties with a sleek, fit physique and a silly soul patch on his chin.  His date – attractive, late twenties, yoga attired leaned in for a kiss.  Not a daughter kiss, but a real lingering kind.  I shuttered, ugh, get a room.

 Ok, yes, I might sound cruel, maybe a bit, but let me explain, I was that idiot girl dating too old men in my twenties.  I loved them, perfect dates – gentlemen, paid for everything.  We went to cool places and I was still an idiot.  Every stupid, idiotic “what-not-to-do” when dating mistake I have ever made happened while dating older men. 

 These are some of my favorites, “Oh no I don’t mind that you are two hours late, just calling now, to explain the business meeting rolled into supper so you wouldn’t be coming over after to all,” or “Sure, I like hot, burn the insides of your mouth food,” or “I know you were too busy with work/your kids to buy me a present for my birthday” and the capper, “of course, I understand you just had to sleep with your old lover when you were in China on business, thanks for your honesty…And since we’re being honest, I also slept with someone while I was in Ireland.”  True story, and happily the relationship crumbled after my statement of a ‘doormat no longer.’

 Every time I think of these stories I can not stop laughing – what was I thinking?  Who replaced the redhead when I wasn’t looking?  And then I recall where I was in my life at that time, I was sad.  I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship, heartbroken and penniless.  I was looking for someone to take care of me and here comes the divorced parade of forty-somethings.  I was easy pickings for awhile - I can’t deny it.  We all gained though – we were just borrowing. 

 These men were borrowing my youth, dare I say my ‘awe’ of them.  They had the answers – knew more, jez, they lived longer after all 15-20 years my senior.  Hence I let them lead without a word really…well, at least until Ireland then all bets were off again. 

 While I dated them, I was borrowing security, support, and honestly, escaping into another world.  I was playing house in some ways and then suddenly, it’s just was not that fun any more.  I didn’t want to borrow security from anyone and I certainly didn’t want to follow for the rest of my days. 

 The concept of borrowing was further emphasized when I read David Schnarch’s The Passionate Marriage where he discusses this borrowing phenomenon in all long-term couples. 

 So, as I glance over and see the overt signs of borrowing, I am also reminded of the three fingers pointing back at me.  What am I borrowing from my husband today?  Is it helping me or hurting me????

Recently I have been contacted by many previous clients that are “so close” to the change they seek – be it a new job, a move, a letting go, peace, whatever the transformation – so close…What to do when you are so close?

 May you discover the delays were gifts and the transformation is richer for it…

Just discovered this LA band, The Airborne Toxic Event and I love them.  The sound is raw, plaintive, punk-like, and incredibly personal – think a cross between Violent Femmes and Crash Test Dummies.

 The album was written while lead singer Mikel Jollett was struggling with heartbreak, his mother’s cancer and his own health problems…Needless to say the album is full of raw emotions and surprisingly – humor. 

 In “Does This Mean You’re Moving On?” with the lines like, “Oh Christ, she’s not alone…” and “I’ll bet your friends all hate me now.  I get the strangest looks from that bitchy crowd…guess I am not quite over you.” – let the giggling begin.  Or in “Something New” - a priceless appreciation of hoping the fighting will stop and the therapy works…If you have been in therapy with your mate, well this is a riot.  Set to a hopeful, happy beat – the couple is falling apart…

 Another wonderful quality of the music is the shifting and building tempos of the different songs, such as in “Sometime Around Midnight.”  The song opens quietly, building softly by adding instruments and strengthening his voice with each bar until you hear his anguish refrain, “You just have to see her,”  over and over.  Who hasn’t been to this broken place?  

Must listen to: Gasoline, Does this Mean Your Moving On?, Sometime Around Midnight, Something New, Missy