I leave tomorrow for my annual girl’s trip.  This year we are headed to Martha’s Vineyard.  No husband, no kids, no work, actual adult “me” time. Often, I’ve discovered during these annual trips, I see myself again. Amusingly, I witness the unique quirks of me over and over without the distraction of kids or a husband…

In my mind’s eye, I am wonderful, flexible traveler. In reality, not so much - sensitive stomach, sleeplessness due to excitement, finicky eater…When I step back and really see it, it’s ridiculous.

The dichotomy of my hopeful mind’s eye (I am a world-class traveler, ready to win the Amazing Race!), and the starch truth of my behavior (porta-potties cause me to wince involuntarily) - it is absurd.  This flexible person in my mind’s eye, well, she just doesn’t exist in reality. Do we all decide how we should be and quietly berate ourselves for not measuring up? The hum of disapproval vibrating in our minds.

I have discovered I am much happier when I operate in the world from the truth of my behavior. I am not a good traveler for all my so called good intentions, and now, I travel prepared – stomach cures, sleeping pills and power bars. I am who I am and I will not be entering the Amazing Race, ever.

When I return from these girls’ trips, I feel softened and empowered. I only go now with one other girlfriend because, well, we’re selfish.  My girlfriend and I met in the first few weeks of college. We have always been mistaken for sisters as we look, dress and act similarly even to this day. We are so much alike, yet our life choices have lead us on very different paths. She is in international law and single. I am married, mother of two and working from my home…Yet we are still sisters. 

For about five days each year we live like sisters again…We giggle, gossip, tease, re-tell the same stories over and over again, shop, eat and drink too much, and listen to the new stories each has to tell.  We have tried to include others, but it doesn’t lead to good places.  The only men we talk to are named Hector and carry trays with umbrella drinks.  We have a fantastic time.

Even with our very different lives, we are able to support each other still. She helps me access my identity before the rest of life crowded in. She helps me play and frankly, stay young.

Several years ago she inspired me to get back into a bikini…I had not worn a bikini in maybe 10 years—I was a Mom, that time had past, my body wasn’t perfect. Again, I heard the hum of disapproval vibrating within. But I did it anyway, and you know what, I looked good.

I looked around the beach and everyone was in bikinis, with all their different bodies for the entire world to see. There were no perfect bodies. Even the sixteen year olds had cellulite. I didn’t have to be perfect. Finally, my mind’s eye had softened to embrace reality. The disapproving hum disappeared, only to be replaced by the crashing of waves and laughter of sisters.

Looking for something to do this weekend?  Go see the movie “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” and enjoy the laughs.  I can honestly say I howled watching this movie.  In the opening scene when the main character Peter Bretter is getting dumped and stands there with all his bits and pieces bare for all the world to see – oh my god.  I definitely squirmed in my seat.

When I go to the movies I like to be entertained by some adventurous story or laugh.  This was the laughing movie.  The characters were all sympathetic and real.  Don’t expect anything too heavy and be surprised as you giggle uncontrollably throughout…And they go to Hawaii - who doesn’t like listening to IZ and the beach?

Why are some people happy and others not?  There are certain factors that contribute to one’s ability to be “happy” under most circumstances.  These are a few…

 1.         Flexibility.  The old saying “once you make a plan, God laughs,” has proven true time and time again in my own life.  Being able to adjust to changing life events, even as minor as dinner plans, with flexibility and ease leads directly to happiness.  Why?  Flexibility means forsaking control – willingly.  Quite a feat to be sure, but a gift - only to be received if you are willing to give up control first.    

 2.         Don’t take it personally.  As my father wisely once said, “Some people are just a@@holes.”  You can be assured in your life that your will encounter some real “pains in the bottom”, difficult situations, unfairness, and other assorted crap.  Promise.  And the person sitting next to you, same thing.  The same goes with any other person you meet in your life too.  We are all stumbling through at times.  So, relax, take a breath and imagine what you would like to happen in whatever situation is causing you difficulty.  Focusing on what you want enables you to emerge from any frustration with clarity.

 3.         Humor.  Once you are able to either laugh at yourself or whatever the situation, you bring lightness to your heart.  Laughter feels good.  Watch funny movies, read amusing books, talk to a friend who always makes you laugh, go bowling.  Just by adding more laughter to your life and you will notice, gently a quiet lightness entering your thoughts and being.

 4.         Positive attitude.  I am not suggesting to live like some annoying, over-the-top Polly-Anna, but to live your life on the foundation that, “all is well.”  This isn’t to deny there are problems or tragedies in life, but it does focus on solutions instead of the difficulties.

 5.         Gratitude.  Happy people are reminded each day of their blessings – the good and the difficult.  As much as it drives me nuts, challenges are opportunities.  Opportunities to learn, to grow and most importantly, to know yourself better.  True gratitude is born out of compassion – just as much for yourself as others.

 6.         Confidence.  Not swaggering, but a calm knowing of ones own abilities.  Confidence also means knowing you will stumble on occasion, but the confident person knows not to make a habit of it. 

 7.         Presence.  Happy people live right now, in this moment – not dreaming about yesterday or fantasying about tomorrow.  Here and now - laughing about the things that others might be frustrated by, and knowing all is well… 

 8.         Choice.  All happy people know happiness is a choice.  Some days it’s easier to be happy, while other days may be a bit more of a struggle.  However, knowing that you have the choice to lift yourself up or push yourself down – often leads to better decisions.

 Happiness is not derived from one isolated event, but by attitudes and beliefs.  Gratefully, like choice, each of us has the power to change our attitudes and beliefs with time and attention. 

 Happiness isn’t for someone else, it’s for you.  It is for each one of us to sink deeply into the happiness of this moment, however mundane the pleasures.  May you discover happiness already waits for you, deep within.  

My Birthday is coming up fast and I must say I’m a bit rattled.  I’m surprised by this inner nervousness as I don’t usually notice the number, but this year - I don’t know.  I feel a little older. 

 My skin is not the same.  Dare I say imperfections?  Maybe a wrinkle or two?  What the hell is that on my forehead?  My body isn’t the same.  I actually think I am happier now then at any other point in my life, yet – where’s the hot body?  I realize now my former “skinny, skinny” self was due in large part to anxiety and stress.  I didn’t eat so well then.

 Now, gratefully, I feel calmer inside, but no longer do I have a metabolic rate of a hummingbird.  What to do?  Do I exercise more?  Ugghhh.  I do exercise 4 -5 days week - ½ hour on the elliptical.  It seems pathetic when I write it out now.  Don’t I know the facts?  Your skin sags as you age.  Metabolic rates change.  The outward ego is crashing.  Uhhhggggg.  I don’t know if I’m ready. 

 You would think I was turning 50 years and weighed 250 pounds.  Not likely.  I’ll be thirty-eight and weigh 128.  It’s a dress size that I am fighting.  I would like to be at 124, just seems nice.  I can do it, but do I really want to?  Really?  To actually make the choices – change the chocolate behaviors – to support this?  Or is it just talk?  Or worse?

 Is it a way to keep me down – in my mind, never measuring up to my inner ideal?  Have I always done this in some way, but now I’ve joined so many other American women unsatisfied with self?  What changed? 

 Two kids, ten pounds and years.  Years of life – filled with much joy, some sorrows, a disappointment or two, a couple trips to the abyss, valuable lessons learned, and most of all, choice.  I discovered each day I chose who I want to be and my behaviors reflect this choice for all to see. 

 Gratefully, reflecting on my Birthday reminds me – I am not twenty-five any longer and it’s a good thing.  I wasn’t happy then, but today – today I am.  So I don’t have the same body?  It is what it is.  I chose my response - I’m thinking - toss the scale for my birthday…

That day is upon us, Valentine’s Day.  A girlfriend and I have referred to it as “Happy V.D.” for years, followed by much giggling.   Valentine’s Day is  quite a conundrum.  I like the idea of celebrating love, but find the whole day, kind of a set up for failure.

If I chose to say I am above that “kind of manufactured display of love” and not participate, certainly I’m unhappy.  Where are my chocolates?  Thank God, I no longer work in an office where the relentless parade of delivered flowers consumed me.  I can honestly say, what I dislike the most, is the exclusionary aspect of the celebration.  You don’t have a Valentine?

I did a little research on the origins of Valentine’s Day using the Wikipedia encyclopedia, only to discover its beginnings had little to do with “romantic love”…

The feast of St. Valentine was first decreed in 496 by Pope Gelasius, possibly as an attempt to supersede the pagan holiday of Lupercalia that was still being celebrated in fifth-century Rome.  Valentine was the name of one or more martyred Christian Saints.  Nothing is known about them except “their feats were known to God”  - a dubious beginning to be sure.

It was in the 14th century that author Geoffrey Chaucer first associated the feast with the notion of “romantic love.”   Ummmm, so we can thank an author with a knack for refined “fart” jokes for this celebration…There is a certain kind of symmetry to that I think.

As you can guess, I do like to participate in Valentine’s Day.  However, I have modified it to fit me.  I send Valentines to my girlfriends.  I give my husband instructions, “Chocolate and lingerie.”    (“Lingerie” can easily be exchanged for “shiny baubles” depending how I feel about my dress size that year.)  I buy my husband and my kids something small with homemade cards attached.  And, I buy myself flowers.   Pretty, pretty flowers.  Happy V.D.

In January I begin dreaming of the beach and my annual girl’s trip.  For years my favorite college friend and I escape to somewhere warm. Last year we went to Mexico - no husband, no kids, actual adult “me” time.  Often, I’ve discovered, during these annual trips, I see myself again.  Amusingly, I witness the quirks of Kelly Ellen.

In my mind, I wish to be a wonderful, flexible traveler.  In reality, not so much.  Sensitive stomach, sleeplessness due to excitement, finicky eater.  When I step back and really see it, it’s ridiculous.  Almost every time I come home with a cold.  Pathetic.  And I giggle.

It is a funny thing indeed to witness the dichotomy of my hopeful mind’s eye, and the starch truth of my behavior.  This flexible person in my mind’s eye, just doesn’t exist in reality.   Do we all decide how we should be and quietly berate ourselves for not measuring up?  The hum of disapproval vibrating in our minds.

I am truly so much happier when I operate in the world from the truth of my behavior.  I am not a good traveler for all my so called good intentions, and now, I travel prepared – stomach cures, sleeping pills and power bars.  I am who I am.

I always return from these trips softened and empowered.   My friend and I met in the first few weeks of my freshman year at college.  We have always been mistaken for sisters as we look, dress and act similarly even to this day.  We are so much alike, yet our life choices have lead us on very different paths.  She is in international law and single.  I am married, mother of two and working from my home.

It is in these very differences that we are able to support each other.  She helps me access my identity before the rest of life crowded in.  She helps me play and frankly, stay young.

I brought 3 bikinis with me on our last trip.  I had not worn a bikini in maybe 8 years—I was a Mom, that time had past, my body wasn’t perfect.  Again, I heard the hum of disapproval vibrating within.  But I did it anyway, and you know what, I looked good.

I looked around the beach and everyone was in bikinis, with all their different bodies for the entire world to see.  There were no perfect bodies.  Even the sixteen year olds had cellulite.  I didn’t have to be perfect.  Finally, my mind’s eye had softened to embrace reality.  The disapproving hum disappeared, only to be replaced by the crashing of waves and laughter of sisters…

Sometimes, husbands are really annoying.  For an Irish, redhead like me, this can cause problems.  During private sessions with clients and over many years of marriage, I’ve discovered a few tricks to avoid homicide when faced with you own beloved husband disguised as the village idiot.  May these tips help you avoid temptation…

1. Pedicure.  Pretty toes are very good to look at while you are having a “talk” with your husband about whatever said grievance is occurring.  As the ridiculous phases float out of his mouth you can distract yourself by watching the light reflect off your pretty toes.  Hot red means business!

2. Music.  Anything you love to be sung loudly.  Girl-power, angry songs are particularly satisfying, such as Melissa Etheridge in her angry years.  It is very helpful to release all those suppressed emotions physically.  Exercise is very helpful too.  However, by singing you are actually speaking the words you may be holding back in “talks” with your husband for whatever reason.  If you are not ready to say these things to him, sing them and get them out of your body.  You will feel better.

3. Journal and meditate.  Write it all out.  Maybe this is just an off day and you will be able to see that as you write.  Or, maybe, this is a bigger issue — possibly a culmination of old stuff, whatever.  It is good for you to release these emotions and experiences through writing.  It forces you to become present.  Another tool to become present is guided meditation.  The meditations lead you out of your incessantly thinking mind back into balance where you can make empowered decisions.

4. Call a friend.  Sometimes just venting to someone you can trust is very helpful and can allow you to feel supported.  However, think carefully about who would be helpful to talk to before you call – chances are, whatever the issue is, it’s going to blow over sooner or later.  For example, calling your Mom to complain about your husband out drinking with the guys instead of being with you or the kids, is not going to endear him to your mother.  You could actually be creating more strain in your life.  Or, telling ALL of your girlfriends of your husband’s blunders keeps the past alive with many re-tellings and finger-pointing.  Hard to keep the high ground with petty behavior no matter how justified the indignation may be.

5. Girls’ Night.  Go have fun, laughter is essential.  Wallowing in self-pity is not productive for anyone.  Laughter will connect you to the space of, “everything is going to be ok.”  You’ll feel better and you may actually be able to breathe.

6. Send your husband out of your bed, either the sofa or guest room will do.  A little space is good.  I am not of the philosophy, “Don’t go to bed angry.”  Sometimes, you are angry and with good reason.  So give yourself the opportunity to calm down and get clear.  The separation will stop you from saying something you may regret later as well.

7. Get away.  Go on a vacation for a couple days, maybe even a week by yourself or with a girlfriend.  This is a last resort kind of thing.  Unfortunately, sending your husband down the hall doesn’t always work.  Either you are too angry, too tired, or just plain had it, to be able to find peace with this man you’ve married.  Getting away helps both of you detach a little and you get a break from whatever the problem is.  The problem truly becomes his problem when you remove yourself from the situation.

When you are finally able to relax and regain your footing, ask yourself this, real or imagined?  Is this a real issue or passing stupidity?  Let’s face it – men can say/do some pretty dumb things.  Not saying all men, but experience tells me I have heard some tales…

On the other hand, if this is a real issue - what is your part?  Unfortunately, you have a part in this too.  It is not, in fact, all him.  Maybe you just went along with it too many times, maybe he doesn’t appreciate you, maybe so many different things, but the truth is – somewhere inside, you said, “yes.”  Yes to less.

It is difficult to accept that you could be the one creating these opportunities to sabotage your life, but once realize this, you actually become empowered.  Empowered because you can make different decisions.  With clear and balanced thoughts and behaviors, you can make good decisions no matter what the situation.

So, when you are watching the light reflect off your very pretty toes as your beloved husband blurts out some offending nonsense, you will remain calm and think, “Is this a real issue or passing stupidity?”

Over the years I have had many clients frustrated in dating, especially the dreaded first date.  I’m always slightly surprised by this as I loved dating when I was single, especially blind dates.  I even met my husband on a blind date, his first and last.  I loved the possibilities, the adventure and, of course, I have a wicked sense of humor, so any so-called-bad date was always worth a good story.

Dating doesn’t have to be an exercise in torture.  Ok, sure for some of us, talking to a box of rocks is easy, but for others, a different scenario.  For some, the thought of engaging in intimate conversation with a virtual stranger can induce stuttering and immediate brain cramping.    I have come to believe in five basic rules for the first date; they have served me and clients very well…

1.  Decide what you are looking for before you go out on the date.  Are you looking for a boyfriend/husband or a fling? Be honest with yourself.  If you really want a boyfriend/husband, decide before you put your big toe out the door what you want in a mate (i.e. humor, kindness, job security, honesty…)  Write down 5-10 things that are important to you.  This gives you a framework and clarity to make empowered decisions.

2.  Be willing to cut bait early.  Relax, this is not the last person on earth.  There will be other dates if this one does not work out.  Don’t settle for someone who just isn’t right.

3.  Believe what he says.  If he says he doesn’t want a serious relationship, he’s not a good at relationships or anything of the like, guess what?  He’s telling you the truth.  Red flags should be signaling you away from this disaster in waiting.  Run far away from this person.  No second date.

4.  Like him as is.  Don’t think, “Well, if he changed his job, or if this or that was different, I would like him.”  Again, I go back to, do not settle.  There are so many people looking for love — strive for an abundant life with your most perfect love.  You deserve your best life.

5.  I call this rule is the two nevers.  Never kiss on the first date and never call him after the first date.  He calls you.  Reality is, we all like a chase.  If he doesn’t call, well, it just means he didn’t call.  Don’t take it personally. Sometimes the sparks just aren’t there or maybe he has an ex that really isn’t out of the picture or maybe the timing is off.  It doesn’t matter.  I promise that you do not want to start your relationship feeling like your chasing him.  I had a girlfriend that would chase guy after guy away because she had to call him right away.  She came off desperate – not attractive.  She did not have a lot of second dates.

It is my belief the single most attractive quality a person can have is self-worth.  If you believe yourself worthy of a beautiful life, a beautiful love, you will not settle for “less-than.”  By knowing your worth and having clarity about what you want, you become a more confident person.  Confidence is incredibly sexy and not surprisingly, the more confident you become, the more people will be calling you for dates!

The holidays, that magical time of year, when families get together, break bread and more often than not – drive each other crazy.  Oh, so much fun.  Fortunately, through my own experience and helping clients through these annual traditions, I have discovered the secret to better family holidays: detachment.

Detachment can be done with love and even a sense of humor.  Here are some tips to help you learn how to detach while being true to yourself in any situation.

1. Breathe.  Maybe you become cornered by a family member into an uncomfortable conversation or maybe it is the things left unsaid that get your blood pumping, scattered your thoughts and suddenly you notice your breath becomes shallow or even more rapid.  Stress has entered the picture.  It seems so simple and obvious, but truly this is the first indicator of stress.  Once you notice this shift within yourself, begin concentrating on your breath.  Breathe deeply, letting your breath fill your chest down into your belly.  Repeat until you feel calm return.
2. Let go.  Guess what?  Those annoying habits of your family members are not going away.  The aunt who asks, “when are you going to get married?” or “why don’t you come and see me?”  She is not changing, but your reaction to her can.  Think of a few lines that can stop an uncomfortable line of questioning.  My personal favorite is, “Ummm, that is an interesting idea, I’ll have to think about that,” smile and excuse yourself to help in the kitchen or escape out back.  These unseemly questions really don’t have as much to do with you as they have to do with the person asking the questions.  If you look beneath the question, you will probably discover the pain or the lack that drives the person posing the questions.
3. Trust.  I firmly believe there is a valid reason for everything that happens.  Instead of falling into the old emotional traps of family dynamics, begin to practice the witness.  How to do this?  Watch and listen.  This holiday season try being quieter and not engaging with your two cents over and over.  You will begin to notice the poor behavior of those around you stem from their own wounds, not you.  Once you really see the raw places in those you love, compassion walks through the door.  You begin to see their poor behavior is just a smoke screen to disguise their own pain, and suddenly you notice they don’t bother you as much.  Surprisingly, you begin to feel grateful for your life and you trust yourself more.
4. Minimize.  As much as I wish it were otherwise, sometimes there are family members who are just not pleasant to be around - period.  Maybe they drink too much or are bigoted, whatever.  Do not make yourself be around unhealthy people for the sake of the family.  This may seem impossible, but in reality it is not.  You are an adult now and no longer are you subject to choices of those around you.  If the above three tips are not enough to make the situation work, leave - because you will do or say something you will regret later.

5. Do good things for yourself.  Arrange for some time by yourself to catch your breath and do something you like to do – meditate, make a cup of tea and read a trashy magazine, watch your favorite movie, or go for a walk.  No matter how loving a family can be, it’s stressful.  Holidays bring out a variety of emotions, both good and bad.  So take good care of yourself, and you will notice you will have more patience with the inquisitive relative that wants to know, “Where have you been?”  Ummm, that’s interesting question, I’ll have to think…yeah, you know the rest.

6. Look for the gift.  When you choose a different response to old family patterns, you begin a change.  This positive change may start with you but it will extend outward.  You may discover things don’t bother as much or that you may even laugh inside when those inevitable inappropriate questions come your way.  By not reacting, you change the dynamics within your family and open the door for better relationships.

7. Remember – this too shall pass, so laughing helps.  Find the absurd amusing.  The ridiculous gifts are an opportunity to smile, even if it’s on the inside.  My mother-in-law goes around her house at Christmas time and seemingly picks out the most useless piece of crap, wraps it up and sends it off to me with some slightly insulting note attached.  This is my Christmas gift.  It’s not that she doesn’t have any money, this is her own game.  This used to drive me nuts, but now, I laugh along with all my friends as the gifts approach the absurd.  I will never forget when she sent me a shawl she bought in Ireland years ago but hated, so she thought I would like it.  What?!?  Unfortunately, she cannot recognize she is really hurting herself with this passive aggressive behavior as it has a direct affect on her relationship with my husband.

So as you approach the holidays this year, remember  there are only 24 hours in any day of the year.  Sometimes this is a blessing and sometimes a curse.  I offer you patience and courage.  Patience with yourself and others and courage to be the change you seek.  Breathe.