Along with the celebration of the holidays, can be almost unbearable sadness. The loss of loved ones is most keenly felt, for better or worse, during this season. Death is a topic each of us often avoids – like a dirty, little secret that if we just ignore it long enough, maybe it will go away. However it doesn’t…It just waits for each of us…death and taxes are about the only guarantees we’ve got.
I have a comfortable relationship with death. I believe in a Christian model, however, I also believe we come back over and over. Each of us has certain work to do in our lifetime along with the free will to realize that work or not. I believe most of the people involved in my life today, I have been with before in previous lives.
Several years ago my step-sister died. She died sadly – alone. At first there were hints of a suicide and that is what distressed me. I was worried her soul was lost and wandering – not knowing the grace that was available to her. I learned of her death on a Sunday night and that Monday I had already planned to visit a mentor to train on Mediumship.

So the next day I went to my mentor very upset – worried that somehow Nicky was lost. We set the space and called Nicky to us. Immediately she came in…she was so sad, but her first words were about suicide. It was not a suicide, but a mistake – she just wanted to feel better with a little more drugs, “just a little more.” That was Nicky. After she made the “no suicide message” clear, you could feel her sadness and she taught me about free will.

She had said in this life she thought she could do it – beat the addictions, but she couldn’t. She spoke of the love that was in her life always available (family and friends) but that she never accepted while she was alive. She helped me to understand each of us has choices. Nicky chose drugs over and over – she couldn’t help herself and that is when I found peace.

I understood each of us has our own “cross to bear.” Nicky didn’t choose the drugs because of any one person. No, this was her life, her choices and I could love her still. I remembered her as a child and making friends with everyone – she accepted each person as beautiful and interesting. This probably led to problems as an adult, but I know the very essence of Nicky’s soul is love – not perfect, but love all the same.

When we closed the session that day, I knew Nicky would be ok. I believed in her – her soul. I know her beauty and kindness will come back again and we will meet again. Maybe not in this lifetime, but I know she is never lost from me. She speaks with angels now, across the thin veil – healing her wounded places and biding her time until she comes back again…

Are you getting anxious for another Holiday with the family? Can you feel yourself beginning to brace for those awkward questions posed by Aunt Judy? Or is it falling into old patterns that has you squirming?…This year can be different. Join us Thurs @ 11am on Indie Spirit for solutions, laughter, a Thanksgiving meditation and fantastic indie music…Come, join the Thanksgiving. http://www.blogtalkradio.com/indieonair

Along with the celebration of the holidays, can be almost unbearable sadness.  The loss of loved ones is most keenly felt, for better or worse, during this season.  Death is a topic each of us often avoids – like a dirty, little secret that if we just ignore it long enough, maybe it will go away.  However it doesn’t…It just waits for each of us…death and taxes are about the only guarantees we’ve got.

I have a comfortable relationship with death.  I believe in a Christian model, however, I also believe we come back over and over.  Each of us has certain work to do in our lifetime along with the free will to realize that work or not.  I believe most of the people involved in my life today, I have been with before in previous lives.   

Several years ago my step-sister died.  She died sadly – alone.  At first there were hints of a suicide and that is what distressed me.  I was worried her soul was lost and wandering – not knowing the grace that was available to her.  I learned of her death on a Sunday night and that Monday I had already planned to visit a mentor to train on Mediumship. 

 So the next day I went to my mentor very upset – worried that somehow Nicky was lost.  We set the space and called Nicky to us.  Immediately she came in…she was so sad, but her first words were about suicide.  It was not a suicide, but a mistake – she just wanted to feel better with a little more drugs, “just a little more.”  That was Nicky.  After she made the “no suicide message” clear, you could feel her sadness and she taught me about free will.

 She had said in this life she thought she could do it – beat the addictions, but she couldn’t.  She spoke of the love that was in her life always available (family and friends) but that she never accepted while she was alive.  She helped me to understand each of us has choices.  Nicky chose drugs over and over – she couldn’t help herself and that is when I found peace.

 I understood each of us has our own “cross to bear.”  Nicky didn’t choose the drugs because of any one person.  No, this was her life, her choices and I could love her still.  I remembered her as a child and making friends with everyone – she accepted each person as beautiful and interesting.  This probably led to problems as an adult, but I know the very essence of Nicky’s soul is love – not perfect, but love all the same. 

When we closed the session that day, I knew Nicky would be ok.  I believed in her – her soul.  I know her beauty and kindness will come back again and we will meet again.  Maybe not in this lifetime, but I know she is never lost from me.  She speaks with angels now, across the thin veil – healing her wounded places and biding her time until she comes back again…

* If you are interested in reading/learning more about past lives, I suggest the book Many Lives, Many Masters.

One word: rental.  Yes, there were some good parts (wrestling at Dad’s house while setting “boundaries” and the house of cougars…) however, a plot would have been nice.  Kind of left you waiting for Vaughn’s character to make jokes…My husband fell asleep.

I did really enjoy the white trash sister-in-law though.  Definitely a glimpse of what Britney Spear’s life would have looked like if she had not gotten famous years ago, but that does not make a movie.  Even one sprinkled with a few poignant moments…Trust me, wait for the rental. 

Several years ago I was chatting with a couple EMT guys and they told me of the phenomenon of “suicide season” – beginning Halloween and running through Valentine’s Day.  This idea has never left me and now Halloween has become a reminder for self-care as I head into the Holidays.  Listen and discover tools to help you navigate the coming holidays as your most empowered self.

The holidays, that magical time of year, when families get together, break bread and more often than not – drive each other crazy.  Oh, so much fun.  Fortunately, through my own experience and helping clients through these annual traditions, I have discovered the secret to better family holidays: detachment.

Detachment can be done with love and even a sense of humor.  Here are some tips to help you learn how to detach while being true to yourself in any situation.

1. Breathe.  Maybe you become cornered by a family member into an uncomfortable conversation or maybe it is the things left unsaid that get your blood pumping, scattered your thoughts and suddenly you notice your breath becomes shallow or even more rapid.  Stress has entered the picture.  It seems so simple and obvious, but truly this is the first indicator of stress.  Once you notice this shift within yourself, begin concentrating on your breath.  Breathe deeply, letting your breath fill your chest down into your belly.  Repeat until you feel calm return.
2. Let go.  Guess what?  Those annoying habits of your family members are not going away.  The aunt who asks, “when are you going to get married?” or “why don’t you come and see me?”  She is not changing, but your reaction to her can.  Think of a few lines that can stop an uncomfortable line of questioning.  My personal favorite is, “Ummm, that is an interesting idea, I’ll have to think about that,” smile and excuse yourself to help in the kitchen or escape out back.  These unseemly questions really don’t have as much to do with you as they have to do with the person asking the questions.  If you look beneath the question, you will probably discover the pain or the lack that drives the person posing the questions.
3. Trust.  I firmly believe there is a valid reason for everything that happens.  Instead of falling into the old emotional traps of family dynamics, begin to practice the witness.  How to do this?  Watch and listen.  This holiday season try being quieter and not engaging with your two cents over and over.  You will begin to notice the poor behavior of those around you stem from their own wounds, not you.  Once you really see the raw places in those you love, compassion walks through the door.  You begin to see their poor behavior is just a smoke screen to disguise their own pain, and suddenly you notice they don’t bother you as much.  Surprisingly, you begin to feel grateful for your life and you trust yourself more.
4. Minimize.  As much as I wish it were otherwise, sometimes there are family members who are just not pleasant to be around – period.  Maybe they drink too much or are bigoted, whatever.  Do not make yourself be around unhealthy people for the sake of the family.  This may seem impossible, but in reality it is not.  You are an adult now and no longer are you subject to choices of those around you.  If the above three tips are not enough to make the situation work, leave – because you will do or say something you will regret later.

5. Do good things for yourself.  Arrange for some time by yourself to catch your breath and do something you like to do – meditate, make a cup of tea and read a trashy magazine, watch your favorite movie, or go for a walk.  No matter how loving a family can be, it’s stressful.  Holidays bring out a variety of emotions, both good and bad.  So take good care of yourself, and you will notice you will have more patience with the inquisitive relative that wants to know, “Where have you been?”  Ummm, that’s interesting question, I’ll have to think…yeah, you know the rest.

6. Look for the gift.  When you choose a different response to old family patterns, you begin a change.  This positive change may start with you but it will extend outward.  You may discover things don’t bother as much or that you may even laugh inside when those inevitable inappropriate questions come your way.  By not reacting, you change the dynamics within your family and open the door for better relationships.

7. Remember – this too shall pass, so laughing helps.  Find the absurd amusing.  The ridiculous gifts are an opportunity to smile, even if it’s on the inside.  My mother-in-law goes around her house at Christmas time and seemingly picks out the most useless piece of crap, wraps it up and sends it off to me with some slightly insulting note attached.  This is my Christmas gift.  It’s not that she doesn’t have any money, this is her own game.  This used to drive me nuts, but now, I laugh along with all my friends as the gifts approach the absurd.  I will never forget when she sent me a shawl she bought in Ireland years ago but hated, so she thought I would like it.  What?!?  Unfortunately, she cannot recognize she is really hurting herself with this passive aggressive behavior as it has a direct affect on her relationship with my husband.

So as you approach the holidays this year, remember  there are only 24 hours in any day of the year.  Sometimes this is a blessing and sometimes a curse.  I offer you patience and courage.  Patience with yourself and others and courage to be the change you seek.  Breathe.