Recently several clients and some dear friends have come to me struggling with the deaths of loved ones.  Death is often a topic each of us would like to avoid – like a dirty, little secret that if we just ignore it long enough, maybe it will go away.  However it doesn’t…It just waits for each of us.

I have an easy relationship with death.  I believe in a Christian model, however, I also believe we come back over and over.  Each of us has certain work to do in our lifetime along with the free choice to realize that work or not.  I believe most of the people involved in my life today, I have been with before in previous lives.   

A few years ago my step-sister died.  She died horribly – alone.  At first there were hints of a suicide and that is what distressed me.  I was worried her soul was lost and wandering – not knowing the grace that was available to her.  I learned of her death on a Sunday night and that Monday I had already planned to visit a mentor to train on Mediumship. 

 So the next day I went to my mentor very upset – worried that somehow Nicky was lost.  We set the space and called Nicky to us.  Immediately she came and she was so sad, but her first words were about suicide.  It was not a suicide, but a mistake – she just wanted to feel better with a little more drugs.  That was Nicky.  After she made the “no suicide message” clear, you could feel her sadness and she taught me about free will.

 She had said in this life she thought she could do it – beat the addictions, but she couldn’t.  She spoke of the love that was in her life always (family and friends) but that she never accepted while she was alive.  She helped me to understand each of us has choices.  Nicky chose drugs over and over – she couldn’t help herself and that is when I found peace.

 I understood each of us has our own “cross to bear.”  Nicky didn’t choose the drugs because of any one person.  No, this was her life, her choices and I could love her still.  I remembered her as a child and making friends with everyone – she accepted each person as beautiful and interesting.  This probably led to problems as an adult, but I know the very essence of Nicky’s soul is love – not perfect, but love all the same. 

 When we closed the session that day, I knew Nicky would be ok.  I believed in her – her soul.  I know her beauty and kindness will come back again and we will meet again.  Maybe not in this lifetime, but I know she is never lost from me.  She speaks with angels now, across the thin veil – healing her wounded places and biding her time until she comes back again.

My Birthday is coming up fast and I must say I’m a bit rattled.  I’m surprised by this inner nervousness as I don’t usually notice the number, but this year - I don’t know.  I feel a little older. 

 My skin is not the same.  Dare I say imperfections?  Maybe a wrinkle or two?  What the hell is that on my forehead?  My body isn’t the same.  I actually think I am happier now then at any other point in my life, yet – where’s the hot body?  I realize now my former “skinny, skinny” self was due in large part to anxiety and stress.  I didn’t eat so well then.

 Now, gratefully, I feel calmer inside, but no longer do I have a metabolic rate of a hummingbird.  What to do?  Do I exercise more?  Ugghhh.  I do exercise 4 -5 days week - ½ hour on the elliptical.  It seems pathetic when I write it out now.  Don’t I know the facts?  Your skin sags as you age.  Metabolic rates change.  The outward ego is crashing.  Uhhhggggg.  I don’t know if I’m ready. 

 You would think I was turning 50 years and weighed 250 pounds.  Not likely.  I’ll be thirty-eight and weigh 128.  It’s a dress size that I am fighting.  I would like to be at 124, just seems nice.  I can do it, but do I really want to?  Really?  To actually make the choices – change the chocolate behaviors – to support this?  Or is it just talk?  Or worse?

 Is it a way to keep me down – in my mind, never measuring up to my inner ideal?  Have I always done this in some way, but now I’ve joined so many other American women unsatisfied with self?  What changed? 

 Two kids, ten pounds and years.  Years of life – filled with much joy, some sorrows, a disappointment or two, a couple trips to the abyss, valuable lessons learned, and most of all, choice.  I discovered each day I chose who I want to be and my behaviors reflect this choice for all to see. 

 Gratefully, reflecting on my Birthday reminds me – I am not twenty-five any longer and it’s a good thing.  I wasn’t happy then, but today – today I am.  So I don’t have the same body?  It is what it is.  I chose my response - I’m thinking - toss the scale for my birthday…

I know I am in trouble when I use the word “never.”  It usually is an indicator of my judge being in charge at that moment.  Ok, there are a few “nevers” we can agree upon regarding certain crimes, but even then this is a small list if you really look at in reality. 

 It would be my hope to I would never kill anyone, but honestly if me, my children, my husband were being violently threatened – hell hath no fury as this redhead and all bets are off.  I am again being reminded of my protective streak this week.

 A dear friend of mine is being hurt.  In fact, this is at my church.  I am horrified by the behavior of my minister and a controlling board on a witch hunt trying to force my friend out.  Interestingly enough as witch hunts go – this will explode in their own faces. 

 Witch hunts operate on assumptions and fear.  They are usually full of contradictions - thus easy pickings for those of us based in truth.  What lay beneath the witch hunt is judgment and “I never…”  It has been my experience, when that motto is at the forefront of a cause - there are hypocrites involved. 

 In this case, it has to do with assumed inappropriate behavior.  Red flags everywhere.  Warning - judgments abound.  So our minister is trying to force out the associate minister while her own niece, the youth minister, is doing the very same things she accusing the associate minister of doing.  Oh, it is a wicked game indeed.  Hence the witch hunt will to explode in their faces…Because the niece has been saying – “oh no, I never…”

 Unfortunately, there are cameras and witnesses that tell a different story.  Oh a tangled web we weave trying to deceive…So our minister is loosing her congregation person by person.  It is strange to see this unfold.  Strange that someone I admired so much and looked to for guidance again and again could come to this place.  Feet of clay.

 We all have them.  Sometimes they lead us to foolish places, but there, there amidst your own stupidity and follies – there is grace.  It is in our foolishness our beliefs are revealed.  Beliefs that are sabotaging our lives every today in quiet ways.  But this is the grace – the opportunity to see the folly in your ways and turn. 

 Turn to more.  Turn to a life of fullness with all your glory and warts revealed.  Yes, that is me too, feet of clay.  I am no better then my minister.  I trust this is part of her learning, her journey – blind spots to be revealed.  My job is to stand and reflect the truth.  Be a light of truth – no matter the cost - because I must.  I am no Judas. 

 A few years ago I read with my minister in Bible study as Jesus asked his disciples to watch with him on his last night.  I could barely stand the scene as I kept complaining to the group, “Who are these men?  Falling asleep not one time, but three?  How can these be the disciples?  Nothing divine about them?  Who does this?”

 My dear minister wisely asked me, “Kelly, have you ever fallen asleep?  Not shown up?”  Uuughhh, it was like a physical blow as I saw the disciples were me.  In the moment the bible became real to me and I am forever grateful. 

 So I trust, I can only see in part.  All will be revealed later.  

“You learn to bear it.  Yes, some things you just learn to bear,” were the words spoken to me the other day with a tight smile and condescending eyes.  I was shocked – you learn to bear it?  Are you kidding me?  And then again she repeated this philosophy, “Someone of my advanced years has had more experiences and learned that some pains are learned to be lived with, to walk with.”

 Again, I was speechless.  Was this woman serious?  Could she possibly be trying to tell me that her life pains/traumas were more painful then mine and one day I too would gain entry into this elite group that walks with pain?  The most difficult part of the interaction for me is – she was serious.  Her pains, her life experience were so hard – she proved it, she beared it everyday, proudly even.  I shut my mouth, not questioning any longer, but spinning.

 “Bearing it” has only disempowered my life, myself and most of all my relationship with God.  I have come to accept that today, I can only see in part, all will be revealed in time.  And when my fears, my anxieties, even my own victim self reveal their presence still - I smile, start singing a Karen Carpenter song in my head and think, what do I need to lay down?     

About fifteen years ago I was first introduced to Flower Essences.  I had been in chronic pain for over a year due to a car accident and I was a mess.  I had tried to find relief through regular western medicine, but this only lead to more pills.  Seeking alternative treatments, I found a healer who introduced me to flower essences and what lay beyond physical pain – the emotions. 

 I discovered to find true healing I needed to address not only the physical pains, but also the emotional scars that were at its foundation.  This is when Flower Essence Remedies entered my life.  Flower Essence Remedies are based on the concept that food is for your body as flowers are for your soul…

 Bach Flower Essences were first created by British physician, Dr. Edward Bach, in the 1930s.  Bach was treating returning soldiers from WWI for their wounds and unfortunately, many were not getting better.  He discovered you had to go beyond the outward signs of physical pain/injury to the emotional traumas still held within the mind and spirit to find true healing. 

 Flower Essences are derived from the flowering parts of plants.  The essence holds the life force of that plant and its specific qualities.  For example, I think everyone has heard of the calming effects of lavender.  Or even that mistletoe’s meaning is “all heal” and is still used today to treat cancer.  Bach rediscovered the forgotten knowledge of flowers that was surely passed down through the ages - only lost for awhile during the crush of 19^th century modernization.

 Flower Essences are not to be taken to relieve the physical symptoms of injury, but as support.  Flower Essences add support to your process – they strengthen your ability to work through conflicts, challenges or obstacles on your journey to wellness.  Sometimes the remedies will actually create the space where you may even feel discomfort more acutely as to “clear” this trauma. 

 A remedy usually last about a month, four drops - four times a day.  I like to think of it as a full cycle.  When you first take the flower remedy you may feel “better” for a day or so before the clearing begins…and then there becomes a heightened awareness of certain annoyances, fights, unsaid words, old patterns that keep coming up over and over until finally you are dealing with your real issue.  It may not feel great, but its necessary to finally be free of this issue and now you have the resources within to make the shift and heal.

 I use Flower Remedies all the time with my clients and in my own life – my kids love them!  They are non-toxic and safe.  It is really another blanket of support you can give yourself, any time – gentle, hopeful and full of possibilities, like the blossoms they are…So be it.  Some Flower Essences to think about…

 Fear…Garlic, Holly, Larch, Black-Eyed Susan, Poison Oak/p Exhaustion & Fatigue…Aloe Vera, Echinacea, Impatiens, Lavender, Olive

 Faith…Aspen, Forget-Me-Not, Sage, Sweet Chestnut

 Depression & Despair…Elm, Chrysanthemum, Hornbeam, Mustard

 Creativity…Buttercup, Iris, Queen Anne’s Lace, Zinnia

 Courage…Fawn Lily, Evening Primrose, Golden Yarrow, Rock Rose 

Love…Angelica, Chicory, Yellow Star Tulip, Mariposa Lily 

Learn how Flower Remedies can support you and your life.  With noted writer, speaker and coach, Amy Casey, I discuss the origins of the Bach Flower Essence series, how remedies work and how to use them in your life.  Amy also discusses how Flower Essences can be effective with your pets too. 

Amy helps people discover and use their unique intuitive gifts in all areas of life. She specializes in animal communication, health and wellness. You can find her at
http://www.pethealthfocus.com. Enjoy the podcast!

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Please listen to a discussion about possible blocks while meditating and some easy solutions to “fix” them.

Over the years, both through meditating myself and supporting my clients in their practices, I have discovered some blocks that may be halting your progress with meditation.  Here is some guidance to help you through these blocks…

 1.         “I can’t quiet my mind.”  I believe this is the first big hurdle in meditating to overcome.  First, try guided meditation instead of attempting to pick meditation up on your own in the silence.  This gives you something to guide you out of your incessantly thinking mind.  Don’t worry, as your practice develops you will be able to meditate in silence and find peace, but first, you have to open the door to this quiet place inside gently.  Berating yourself for “not getting it” fast enough just hurts you and really plays to your ego.  Think of it like any hobby or sport you pick up – it takes time and guidance to become comfortable. 

 2.         “I don’t have time.”  Almost all my clients in my private practice want to add meditation to their life, but time is a big stumbling block.  Even for myself I sometimes run into this problem.  That’s partly why I created my Everyday Meditation series – daily ten–minute meditations.  I’m not of the school you have to meditate for 20 minutes or more a day.  I’m a Mom, wife and  business owner…I do not live in an Ashram where I have hours to devote to a meditation practice – I live in the very real, busy world.  So if you only have 5 minutes right now, take it – spend five minutes concentrating on your breath.  I promise you will feel better and surprisingly, the 5 minutes will stretch longer as you feel more comfortable and relaxed with your practice.

 3.         “I fall asleep.”  During workshops this often comes up because my clients believe they fall asleep during the meditations. Upon ‘waking’ from the meditation they don’t remember anything, except they feel much better.  This “falling sleep” response is when your conscious mind goes to sleep because it is not interested in what is going on.  For example, maybe you’ve gotten in the car to go to the store and upon arrival you don’t remember driving there?  Well, you’ve probably driven there dozens of times and now it has become automatic, your mind is free to think of other things instead of directions.  Another reason for this “falling asleep” response is the topic of the meditation may be too upsetting to look at directly and again, your mind is protecting you by falling asleep and allowing the healing to first begin in your sub-conscious.  I often intentionally fall asleep to meditations knowing its healing affects on my sub-conscious.  If you are feeling better after the meditation, except it, don’t fight it.  Again, as you heal your sub-conscious, this ‘falling asleep’ response will just slip away and you will become more present and ‘awake’ during your meditation.

 4.         “I don’t like the imagery in the guided meditation.”  While I was teaching a meditation workshop a student complained that she hated meadows and couldn’t fall into the meditation due to this.  The meditation we had just finished was set in a meadow and connecting to safety.  She kept saying how barren and dead meadows are…This was surprising to me because meadows are magical places for me full of life.  I asked her to look at her language and her life.  The meadow she created was in her own mind – she made it barren, without life.  The meditation was in fact informing her of this barren view point.  I suggested she herself put life into the image in the meditation – adding trees, flowers, birds, etc.  This is actually a direct opportunity to heal.  This is a gift of meditation to gently heal yourself in your own time. 

 5.         “I know I’m not doing it right. I must be missing something.”    Maybe you’ve read you can be closer to God or manifest things through meditation, but you are not feeling this.  Relax. We live in a society that loves to compare – restrain yourself.  Ask yourself this, do you feel better – maybe calmer after meditating?  Yes, you are doing it right.  Let this practice unfold in your life gently.  I promise magic will happen.

 I hope this helps you overcome some blocks in your own meditation practice.  If you have any further questions or concerns, please contact me.  I am here to help.  So be it.   

In January I begin dreaming of the beach and my annual girl’s trip.  For years my favorite college friend and I escape to somewhere warm. Last year we went to Mexico - no husband, no kids, actual adult “me” time.  Often, I’ve discovered, during these annual trips, I see myself again.  Amusingly, I witness the quirks of Kelly Ellen.

In my mind, I wish to be a wonderful, flexible traveler.  In reality, not so much.  Sensitive stomach, sleeplessness due to excitement, finicky eater.  When I step back and really see it, it’s ridiculous.  Almost every time I come home with a cold.  Pathetic.  And I giggle.

It is a funny thing indeed to witness the dichotomy of my hopeful mind’s eye, and the starch truth of my behavior.  This flexible person in my mind’s eye, just doesn’t exist in reality.   Do we all decide how we should be and quietly berate ourselves for not measuring up?  The hum of disapproval vibrating in our minds.

I am truly so much happier when I operate in the world from the truth of my behavior.  I am not a good traveler for all my so called good intentions, and now, I travel prepared – stomach cures, sleeping pills and power bars.  I am who I am.

I always return from these trips softened and empowered.   My friend and I met in the first few weeks of my freshman year at college.  We have always been mistaken for sisters as we look, dress and act similarly even to this day.  We are so much alike, yet our life choices have lead us on very different paths.  She is in international law and single.  I am married, mother of two and working from my home.

It is in these very differences that we are able to support each other.  She helps me access my identity before the rest of life crowded in.  She helps me play and frankly, stay young.

I brought 3 bikinis with me on our last trip.  I had not worn a bikini in maybe 8 years—I was a Mom, that time had past, my body wasn’t perfect.  Again, I heard the hum of disapproval vibrating within.  But I did it anyway, and you know what, I looked good.

I looked around the beach and everyone was in bikinis, with all their different bodies for the entire world to see.  There were no perfect bodies.  Even the sixteen year olds had cellulite.  I didn’t have to be perfect.  Finally, my mind’s eye had softened to embrace reality.  The disapproving hum disappeared, only to be replaced by the crashing of waves and laughter of sisters…

There’s a plumber in my kitchen right now.  Trying to clear our kitchen sink.  I keep hearing rumblings of, “I have never seen this before,” and “Well, I’ll be.”  Frankly, I’m a little nervous about the impending bill.

This is the second time he has been here in four days.  The problem had been getting worse and worse.  The water would just not drain.  Dirty water, sitting in my sink, slowly, ever so slowly draining away. Leaving a ring of slime around the bottom.  I called the plumber after many vain attempts with maximum strength Draino and a plunger.

I am grateful the plumber is here, the expert.  The first time he came, we had thought it was fixed, but after a day, we realized the problem was still there.  It was better, but not fixed.  So back he is today.

As I hear him working and rumbling,  I can not help but look at the symbolism.  I do not believe anything happens in isolation.  As Wayne Dyer says, “There is a valid reason for everything.”

I believe the Universe is conspiring to make us whole, guiding us to our best self.  We receive information and/or signs all the time.  Much of our intuition is seeing/reading the signs all around us and gleaning the most insight to make the best decisions.

Water has many different meanings for me, one being emotions.  For the past few weeks my husband and I have been, shall we say, “discussing an issue.”  Needless to say, without resolution.  Thus it is  not surprising to me that my sink has been all clogged up.  Dirty, water, old stuff mixed with the new, sitting in my kitchen sink.  Truly in the center of my home, in the center of my life.

I was thrilled last week when the plumber came and seemed to fix the problem so easily and quickly.  My husband let me know the sink was still not working the next day.  I went to where we all seek refuge –denial.  “Dear, it’s fine.  You don’t know.  What did you put down there?”  Later too, I discovered he was right, the problem was still not fixed.  The next day I called the expert again, the plumber.

He came with much bigger equipment this time,  but today, happily, he fixed it.  The clog was very deep.  He had needed to go further down the pipe last time.  He was even baffled at times today before he finally completely cleared the problem.

As I watched the plumber drive away, I smiled and was gratefully  reminded that sometimes the clogs are very deep and with the right equipment, the right support they can be cleared away.

My husband and I resolved our “issue of discontent” later that day.  We had found the support we needed to make the best decision and the problem was cleared away.