Do you ever feel like you are emotionally spinning?  Maybe you have just had a difficult encounter with a relative or even a friend?  You may be able to identify – this person drives me nuts, but the real question is, why?  Why has this person been able to affect you?  Chances are you have been “triggered.”

 “Triggering” happens when some hidden emotional response is activated.  My in-laws are professionals at this by using guilt to trigger emotional responses.  For example, my husband’s parents will “talk” about each sibling to the other siblings trying to get them to speak to each other…”Oh, so-and-so, really does want to be more involved with your life, but he just doesn’t feel like you care enough…”  This is an attempt by someone on the outside to “trigger” or force events in a certain way.

 Even though my in-laws intentions are to bring the family closer, their manipulations stall any positive outcomes and actually inject more distance within the family structure.

 Often you can identify “triggering” by how you feel inside…When someone or something is “triggering” you, you may feel a tightness in your stomach or chest.  Your breathing may change.  Things may feel more emotionally intense or you may even feel cornered into a certain defensive reaction.  You are being “triggered.” 

 Now, no matter how well-adjusted and balanced you are today, each of us gets “triggered” every now and then.  The trick is not to fear being triggered, but to manage your reaction to whatever happens to illicit an emotional response.  So the real trick is, how to stop triggering? 

 You “trigger” because some place inside of you is feeling under attack.  For example, my in-laws use guilt to “trigger” the idea of “being a good son, brother – a good son would call his brothers, visit more, etc.”  The fact is my in-laws miss their family and want them to be close.  Instead of stating this desire or want, they use manipulation to “make” it happen.  They use passive aggressive tactics to avoid themselves getting “hurt” because when you overtly state your desires and wants to others, you make yourself vulnerable.  You give others choice - they can choose to say, “No, I don’t want to do that,” and then what? 

 So, how to get from, “they drive me crazy - triggering,” to witnessing what is really going on, i.e. the in-laws miss their family.  One technique I discovered years ago is “writing with God.”    

 Whenever you are feeling uncertain about things or are triggering, get a few sheets of paper out and begin writing with God. 

 For example:

 Kelly:  I hate my in-laws.  They f*&5ing suck.  If I have to hear another passive aggressive crap out of their mouth, etc…

God: Yes, they do suck.

Kelly:  Yeah, they really suck. Why are they so crazy?  Who tortures grown children this way?  Etc, etc…

God: Kelly, they are sad and miss something that is lost to them. Etc…

 (Notice rational voice begins entering the conversation in opposition to ego-centered defensive response.)

 The fact is your ego is the “triggered” response.  Using this technique allows you to release all your negative thoughts and comments – your ego defense, instead of the usual biting your lip and stuffing all these words deep inside.  By using this technique, you are able to release your own negative reactions, thus begin to detach and witness truth – your highest self, your God-response is brought forth.  This “higher” place is present inside you right now, waiting to lift you up, but first you have to release your “triggered-ego” by acknowledging the hurt and pain that is present first. 

 Give it a try…you will be surprised to discover your highest self is waiting, inside you right now, waiting to help you transform your life.  Your highest self is the path to happiness and peace everyday.  The choice is yours.

Years ago my father introduced me to a tradition that was able to bring peace into our relationship.  My parents divorced when I was about ten years old and my Dad moved south, far away from me.  We really didn’t speak often as my parents had one of those horrendous divorces.  I probably saw him a half a dozen times before heading to college in Burlington, VT.

 Needless to say, we did not have much in common and frankly, I kept myself slightly aloof from him as he left long ago…During college he began making attempts to be a part of my life.  He would take me skiing with my boyfriend, send money finally and call more often.   

One memorial weekend he asked me if I would like to do the graves with him.  Strangely enough that was one place we both liked to go – cemeteries.  We both liked wandering around old graveyards reading headstones and admiring the artistry of the marble works.   

 My Dad grew up in Middlebury, VT.  Most of that side of the family still lives there and our relatives are buried in several different cemeteries in the area.  I agreed, not really knowing what I was getting into.  He picked me up early that Sunday morning and I looked in the backseat to see all kinds of supplies – gardening tools, cups and to my surprise, chilled champagne. 

 We began chatting about where we were going first and my Dad started telling stories.  He loves telling stories, but this time the stories were of friends he had lost in Vietnam, Uncles wounded in WWII and scandalous adventures of my family I never knew.  I laughed, really laughed and I saw my father for the first time as more than the man that left.

 He was flawed certainly, but he was trying.  Trying to become a family again.  I saw for the first time how young he was when my parents got married and I found compassion that was not there before. 

 At each grave we cleared away the weeds, and planted pansies and marigolds.  We offered champagne toasts and funny stories to those long gone.  Quietly, without knowing when, a gentle peace had slipped into my Dad and my relationship.

 I finally had come to love my father again.  I realized wasn’t abandoned any longer.  I had found my way back to him and this family through the memories and stories of those long past.  That day, together, we found peace again in pansies and laughter.  This peace has made all the difference and I am grateful. 

Happy Memorial Day!  May peace find each of us.

When I was nine years old I fell off a bike.  It was horrible.  I was flying down a hill and my flip-flops fell off.  I had those pedals that had the spiky surfaces so I couldn’t put my bare feet on the pedals or risk impalement. I started panicking because my speed was increasing every moment with the descent - I had to do something fast.  Thinking my best option was going onto the grass, I steered my bike to the left and hit an edge.  Suddenly, I was hurling threw the air only to land on my forehead.  Ouch.   

 Blood seemed everywhere and my wailing began.  I walked down the rest of the hill to my aunt’s house, tears streaming and looking for Mom.  Unfortunately, Mom was out and Dad was there.  Let’s just say he was useless and leave it at that.  Not surprisingly, I didn’t ride a bike again for a long time and when I did, it was a white-knuckle, tense experience.

 Fast-forward to today and now I am the Mom with two kids riding bikes.  My kids kept asking me to go for bike rides with them too, not just Daddy or the sitter.  I would say with a shrug, “I don’t have a bike.”  Then my husband bought me a beautiful purple and hot pink cruiser with a big basket.  I had no more excuses, so I tried riding again. 

 Against every instinct I began riding my bike.  My daughter and I started riding to and from her school every day and after a week or two, I noticed things were changing.  I stopped gripping the handle bars for dear life.  I felt more comfortable riding and most of all, I liked it again.  It was fun riding on my pretty, purple bike – I felt so young again, even carefree.   

 Mind you, I will never wear flip-flops while biking ever again and I still don’t make a whole lot of conversation as I don’t want to somehow get distracted and fall.  However, each day I’m a little more confident and most of all, I feel as though I am reconnecting to that little girl inside who was hurt so many years ago.  She’s healing and coming out again…and I am happy to welcome her home.    

A few years ago, we bought our first house and I began a flower garden.  Quickly I realized the valued of perennials – flowers/plants that come back year after year.  Perennials are like newborns each year – full of hope and promise for the coming warm weather.

 The Hostas and Ferns appear as small babies right now, just budding.  I check on them twice a day to see how much they have grown and revival in there sprouts and unfolding leaves as I feel myself also awakening from winter’s long slumber.  And the bulbs – I planted English Bluebells last fall and can’t wait to see how they do…

 Why do I love these plants so? – because they remind of possibilities and unseen forces.  Much of what happens in life is about timing, waiting and trust. 

 The Hostas and Ferns sprout when the earth is warming up from snowy days gone by.  They may even have to survive another storm or two before they can be assured of warmer days.  And that is the other part of their magic – the perennials weather the storms.  Their tender shoots somehow manage and thrive under a sudden blanket of seven inches of snow - only to melt away on the morrow.  These seemingly vulnerable newborns are not.

 They are in fact hardy and resourceful – if leaves die, they grow more.  They are not deterred when bad weather comes their way, just steady.  They will be here after the storm, spouting new growth and trusting in warmer days…

Guided meditation was at the center of my own personal transformation years ago.  I discovered what was blocking me from my best life was my own self-sabotaging believes that cycled over and over in my mind, and body dooming me to repeat the same mistakes again and again.  These beliefs stemmed from my own childhood – created as a way to survive a very dysfunctional environment. 

 For example, I have always struggled with “not enough.”  What I remember of my childhood sucked – alcoholic, violent and little money.  It is no wonder I had a “not enough” believe system.  I learned from an infant, “there was never enough love, money, time, safety…”  This ”not enough” belief carried over into my adulthood driving my choices and decisions in desperate ways.  I became stressed, panicked and fearful…Then a therapist suggested guided meditation. 

 Through guided meditation I was able to “re-write” my thinking.  It was like I had these old, negative tapes looping within myself and I needed new, positive messages to replace them.  Listening to guided meditations daily allowing me the space and time to create a new, healthy inner dialog. 

 It took awhile and I kept at it.  Before long I realized I liked these new beliefs.  I liked seeing myself as lovable, capable, safe…and doors opened, opportunities appeared.  My life transformed.

 My two meditation series are a result of this transformation.  They are really a step-by-step guided path out of a blocked life through meditation.  I like creating spaces for you to discover specific issues that are blocking you today.  And most importantly, to experience the process of healing over and over within the meditations - a healing that expands outward touching all aspects of your life.  It is magic to discover the keys to all your dreams already waits inside – only to be revealed by you. 

Recently several clients and some dear friends have come to me struggling with the deaths of loved ones.  Death is often a topic each of us would like to avoid – like a dirty, little secret that if we just ignore it long enough, maybe it will go away.  However it doesn’t…It just waits for each of us.

I have an easy relationship with death.  I believe in a Christian model, however, I also believe we come back over and over.  Each of us has certain work to do in our lifetime along with the free choice to realize that work or not.  I believe most of the people involved in my life today, I have been with before in previous lives.   

A few years ago my step-sister died.  She died horribly – alone.  At first there were hints of a suicide and that is what distressed me.  I was worried her soul was lost and wandering – not knowing the grace that was available to her.  I learned of her death on a Sunday night and that Monday I had already planned to visit a mentor to train on Mediumship. 

 So the next day I went to my mentor very upset – worried that somehow Nicky was lost.  We set the space and called Nicky to us.  Immediately she came and she was so sad, but her first words were about suicide.  It was not a suicide, but a mistake – she just wanted to feel better with a little more drugs.  That was Nicky.  After she made the “no suicide message” clear, you could feel her sadness and she taught me about free will.

 She had said in this life she thought she could do it – beat the addictions, but she couldn’t.  She spoke of the love that was in her life always (family and friends) but that she never accepted while she was alive.  She helped me to understand each of us has choices.  Nicky chose drugs over and over – she couldn’t help herself and that is when I found peace.

 I understood each of us has our own “cross to bear.”  Nicky didn’t choose the drugs because of any one person.  No, this was her life, her choices and I could love her still.  I remembered her as a child and making friends with everyone – she accepted each person as beautiful and interesting.  This probably led to problems as an adult, but I know the very essence of Nicky’s soul is love – not perfect, but love all the same. 

 When we closed the session that day, I knew Nicky would be ok.  I believed in her – her soul.  I know her beauty and kindness will come back again and we will meet again.  Maybe not in this lifetime, but I know she is never lost from me.  She speaks with angels now, across the thin veil – healing her wounded places and biding her time until she comes back again.

My Birthday is coming up fast and I must say I’m a bit rattled.  I’m surprised by this inner nervousness as I don’t usually notice the number, but this year - I don’t know.  I feel a little older. 

 My skin is not the same.  Dare I say imperfections?  Maybe a wrinkle or two?  What the hell is that on my forehead?  My body isn’t the same.  I actually think I am happier now then at any other point in my life, yet – where’s the hot body?  I realize now my former “skinny, skinny” self was due in large part to anxiety and stress.  I didn’t eat so well then.

 Now, gratefully, I feel calmer inside, but no longer do I have a metabolic rate of a hummingbird.  What to do?  Do I exercise more?  Ugghhh.  I do exercise 4 -5 days week - ½ hour on the elliptical.  It seems pathetic when I write it out now.  Don’t I know the facts?  Your skin sags as you age.  Metabolic rates change.  The outward ego is crashing.  Uhhhggggg.  I don’t know if I’m ready. 

 You would think I was turning 50 years and weighed 250 pounds.  Not likely.  I’ll be thirty-eight and weigh 128.  It’s a dress size that I am fighting.  I would like to be at 124, just seems nice.  I can do it, but do I really want to?  Really?  To actually make the choices – change the chocolate behaviors – to support this?  Or is it just talk?  Or worse?

 Is it a way to keep me down – in my mind, never measuring up to my inner ideal?  Have I always done this in some way, but now I’ve joined so many other American women unsatisfied with self?  What changed? 

 Two kids, ten pounds and years.  Years of life – filled with much joy, some sorrows, a disappointment or two, a couple trips to the abyss, valuable lessons learned, and most of all, choice.  I discovered each day I chose who I want to be and my behaviors reflect this choice for all to see. 

 Gratefully, reflecting on my Birthday reminds me – I am not twenty-five any longer and it’s a good thing.  I wasn’t happy then, but today – today I am.  So I don’t have the same body?  It is what it is.  I chose my response - I’m thinking - toss the scale for my birthday…

I know I am in trouble when I use the word “never.”  It usually is an indicator of my judge being in charge at that moment.  Ok, there are a few “nevers” we can agree upon regarding certain crimes, but even then this is a small list if you really look at in reality. 

 It would be my hope to I would never kill anyone, but honestly if me, my children, my husband were being violently threatened – hell hath no fury as this redhead and all bets are off.  I am again being reminded of my protective streak this week.

 A dear friend of mine is being hurt.  In fact, this is at my church.  I am horrified by the behavior of my minister and a controlling board on a witch hunt trying to force my friend out.  Interestingly enough as witch hunts go – this will explode in their own faces. 

 Witch hunts operate on assumptions and fear.  They are usually full of contradictions - thus easy pickings for those of us based in truth.  What lay beneath the witch hunt is judgment and “I never…”  It has been my experience, when that motto is at the forefront of a cause - there are hypocrites involved. 

 In this case, it has to do with assumed inappropriate behavior.  Red flags everywhere.  Warning - judgments abound.  So our minister is trying to force out the associate minister while her own niece, the youth minister, is doing the very same things she accusing the associate minister of doing.  Oh, it is a wicked game indeed.  Hence the witch hunt will to explode in their faces…Because the niece has been saying – “oh no, I never…”

 Unfortunately, there are cameras and witnesses that tell a different story.  Oh a tangled web we weave trying to deceive…So our minister is loosing her congregation person by person.  It is strange to see this unfold.  Strange that someone I admired so much and looked to for guidance again and again could come to this place.  Feet of clay.

 We all have them.  Sometimes they lead us to foolish places, but there, there amidst your own stupidity and follies – there is grace.  It is in our foolishness our beliefs are revealed.  Beliefs that are sabotaging our lives every today in quiet ways.  But this is the grace – the opportunity to see the folly in your ways and turn. 

 Turn to more.  Turn to a life of fullness with all your glory and warts revealed.  Yes, that is me too, feet of clay.  I am no better then my minister.  I trust this is part of her learning, her journey – blind spots to be revealed.  My job is to stand and reflect the truth.  Be a light of truth – no matter the cost - because I must.  I am no Judas. 

 A few years ago I read with my minister in Bible study as Jesus asked his disciples to watch with him on his last night.  I could barely stand the scene as I kept complaining to the group, “Who are these men?  Falling asleep not one time, but three?  How can these be the disciples?  Nothing divine about them?  Who does this?”

 My dear minister wisely asked me, “Kelly, have you ever fallen asleep?  Not shown up?”  Uuughhh, it was like a physical blow as I saw the disciples were me.  In the moment the bible became real to me and I am forever grateful. 

 So I trust, I can only see in part.  All will be revealed later.  

“You learn to bear it.  Yes, some things you just learn to bear,” were the words spoken to me the other day with a tight smile and condescending eyes.  I was shocked – you learn to bear it?  Are you kidding me?  And then again she repeated this philosophy, “Someone of my advanced years has had more experiences and learned that some pains are learned to be lived with, to walk with.”

 Again, I was speechless.  Was this woman serious?  Could she possibly be trying to tell me that her life pains/traumas were more painful then mine and one day I too would gain entry into this elite group that walks with pain?  The most difficult part of the interaction for me is – she was serious.  Her pains, her life experience were so hard – she proved it, she beared it everyday, proudly even.  I shut my mouth, not questioning any longer, but spinning.

 “Bearing it” has only disempowered my life, myself and most of all my relationship with God.  I have come to accept that today, I can only see in part, all will be revealed in time.  And when my fears, my anxieties, even my own victim self reveal their presence still - I smile, start singing a Karen Carpenter song in my head and think, what do I need to lay down?     

About fifteen years ago I was first introduced to Flower Essences.  I had been in chronic pain for over a year due to a car accident and I was a mess.  I had tried to find relief through regular western medicine, but this only lead to more pills.  Seeking alternative treatments, I found a healer who introduced me to flower essences and what lay beyond physical pain – the emotions. 

 I discovered to find true healing I needed to address not only the physical pains, but also the emotional scars that were at its foundation.  This is when Flower Essence Remedies entered my life.  Flower Essence Remedies are based on the concept that food is for your body as flowers are for your soul…

 Bach Flower Essences were first created by British physician, Dr. Edward Bach, in the 1930s.  Bach was treating returning soldiers from WWI for their wounds and unfortunately, many were not getting better.  He discovered you had to go beyond the outward signs of physical pain/injury to the emotional traumas still held within the mind and spirit to find true healing. 

 Flower Essences are derived from the flowering parts of plants.  The essence holds the life force of that plant and its specific qualities.  For example, I think everyone has heard of the calming effects of lavender.  Or even that mistletoe’s meaning is “all heal” and is still used today to treat cancer.  Bach rediscovered the forgotten knowledge of flowers that was surely passed down through the ages - only lost for awhile during the crush of 19^th century modernization.

 Flower Essences are not to be taken to relieve the physical symptoms of injury, but as support.  Flower Essences add support to your process – they strengthen your ability to work through conflicts, challenges or obstacles on your journey to wellness.  Sometimes the remedies will actually create the space where you may even feel discomfort more acutely as to “clear” this trauma. 

 A remedy usually last about a month, four drops - four times a day.  I like to think of it as a full cycle.  When you first take the flower remedy you may feel “better” for a day or so before the clearing begins…and then there becomes a heightened awareness of certain annoyances, fights, unsaid words, old patterns that keep coming up over and over until finally you are dealing with your real issue.  It may not feel great, but its necessary to finally be free of this issue and now you have the resources within to make the shift and heal.

 I use Flower Remedies all the time with my clients and in my own life – my kids love them!  They are non-toxic and safe.  It is really another blanket of support you can give yourself, any time – gentle, hopeful and full of possibilities, like the blossoms they are…So be it.  Some Flower Essences to think about…

 Fear…Garlic, Holly, Larch, Black-Eyed Susan, Poison Oak/p Exhaustion & Fatigue…Aloe Vera, Echinacea, Impatiens, Lavender, Olive

 Faith…Aspen, Forget-Me-Not, Sage, Sweet Chestnut

 Depression & Despair…Elm, Chrysanthemum, Hornbeam, Mustard

 Creativity…Buttercup, Iris, Queen Anne’s Lace, Zinnia

 Courage…Fawn Lily, Evening Primrose, Golden Yarrow, Rock Rose 

Love…Angelica, Chicory, Yellow Star Tulip, Mariposa Lily