You know this club. You can pick them out in any bar or social function. It’s the life is so-bad club. You can recognize the members because they are always talking about how hard things are. They never have enough time for themselves because of all the things they are doing for their kids, spouse, job, co-workers, boss, family, friends…However they DO have enough time to tell you how difficult things are, yet no solutions fall from their lips, just complaining words…

Not surprisingly each of us finds our way into this club at some time. We don’t usually intend to be a part of this club, but somehow the dynamics of a group or a single friendship deteriorates into this place. What began as voicing a concern, becomes a negative focus. Maybe the group begins whining about work or a friend complains about a sagging relationship, but it doesn’t stop there with letting off steam, it becomes relentless. It’s all you discuss – how bad it is…

When you discover yourself in this group – stop. Don’t blame anyone else, you got yourself here, now how to get out? Detach.

The reason you are in this negative dynamic now is because you feel power-less and you are stuck in a bad habit of thinking. For now, try to distance yourself from this group or friendship quietly and create some space for yourself. What are you afraid of? Are there solutions that you haven’t considered? Do you need a change?

Detachment may seem uncomfortable or even impossible for you, but do you really want to complain your life away? I think not. It could be the problem you are facing is too big for you to find your way through alone. Maybe you do need support, but it has to be healthy. You could try reaching out to a trusted friend or even someone like me, a life coach and begin setting goals to create the life you deserve. Instead of letting others or a group mentality keep you in a less-than place, make a different choice. For happiness is no far off shore, it’s closer then you think, just waiting for you to step into…

Are you looking to be happy? Maybe you wonder if it’s a place you just keep missing on the map? Here’s the thing, it’s not a destination, it’s more like a movable feast.

The definition of happiness changes. What you thought would make you happy years ago, often becomes a source of frustration later. You discover it’s in those middle moments that happiness really blooms. It’s in the imperfection.

You still chuckle about that rained out picnic so many summers ago or that unexpected late night card game with friends, wine and oh so many jokes…Happiness happens. It’s a feeling that grabs hold you and usually all those around you, if you allow it. It depends on flexibility, kindness and compassion. Something we all need a little bit more of each day.

Instead of looking for happiness today, I invite you to let it happen. When this day unfolds, with its ups and downs, respond with flexibility, kindness and compassion. You will be amazed how in the most unexpected of moments – happiness blooms.

WTF kind of question is that, right?  There is no allusive “normal.”  Each marriage has it’s own unique rules and unspoken boundaries of behavior.  The real questions to be answered; are you happy?  Is your marriage working?  What can you do to make it better today?

 It’s time to stop looking over the fence at someone else’s life with envy – sure the grass may look greener over there, but it could be just a trick of lighting or it could be that over the fence, they have been working at it…Happy marriages don’t occur like magic – time, compromise, forgiveness and commitment create the foundation for a lasting, fulfilling marriage.  It’s complicated.

 Each person enters a marriage with flaws – that’s everyone, there are no perfect people.  True love and intimacy is not created from a string of good times linked together.  No, real intimacy/love is discovered when you see not only your own faults, but your partner’s too and it’s still ok.  Can you love yourself and your partner flaws and all? 

This isn’t easy. 

 Some flaws are ‘deal-breakers’ – violence, abuse, etc…but in most cases people are being human – fools one day, and saints the next.  Whatever your biggest issue is with your partner, it’s actually about you not them.  When you look at the issue again – what truth reflects back?  What’s your stuff?

 For example an old fight my husband and I had for several years of was about time – he always ran late.  I can’t tell you how many arguments we had about this and ultimately I discovered the final solution – I had to let go of time.  What???  How can this be??  He’s late.

 Well first, let’s begin with reality – he ran usually about half hour late, getting home around 6 – 6:15 pm.  I thought he should be home at 5:30 pm, he agreed in word but not deed.  Hence each day had a built in argument as I would watch the clock for tardiness every afternoon.  I could feel the anxiety begin rising about 4 pm and it would spiral up with varied unhappy outcomes.

 Then I got a clue – a friend challenged my version of reality – where did I get this magic time to be home by?  Ummm, well that’s what a happy family looks like, right?  Supper on the table by 6 pm, tubby time, story books and bed.  Her response – who do you know that really looks like this?  Ummm, nobody. 

 Her response – sounds like you have to change the picture to make it work.  Thunderbolt – I was holding onto an ‘idea’ of what it looks like to be a happy family, because my own childhood was so chaotic.  It was a picture I create from a wounded place.

 I had to let go of my imagined magic time for his arrival and decided to call a friend at 5pm instead of getting angry, again.  I began distracting myself from the time each day.  When my husband sailed in around 6pm, I was fine, no arguments, easy.

 Here’s the funny thing, my husband started coming home earlier and he became annoyed that I would be chatting on the phone instead of waiting for him…He was used to fighting every day about something, so if I didn’t start it, he would.  Deep breathing all around and some clear communication helped us get out of this dynamic. 

 Of course the issue of time still comes up, but now I see it for what it is – control.  If I control time, I control life – in reality, not so much. 

 But really, let’s get back to you – Are you Happy with your partner?  What are you struggling with in your marriage/relationship and do you need to change your picture?

You want to transform your life?  Try guided meditation.  Why?  To transform your life, you must first change your thoughts and that’s the rub – how to change your thoughts from what is not working to what is…and again I answer with guided meditation.

Guided meditation helps create the space within yourself to identify thoughts that are not working and replacing them with new thought patterns that enhance your life.  Meditation isn’t a quick fix, but a foundation for real transformation

Several years ago I went to a lecture by Marianne Williamson.  A person in the audience wanted her guidance on why her life wasn’t getting any better.  This person had struggled with eating disorders and depression in the past, but she just couldn’t quite find her way out.  Williamson asked her what she was doing to help herself.  The woman responded with, “I go to therapy and have asked God to help me.” 

Williamson responded, “Not enough.”  I was stunned.  Then Williamson continued, “If you had a failing liver, you would be taking medicines every day, where is your medicine for your ailment today?  Not a once a week plan, but every day?  Changing your life isn’t something you do a couple times a week, but every day.”  Williamson suggested specific prayer (she’s a proponent of A Course In Miracles) and meditation as a place to start.

I absolutely and whole-hearted agree with Williamson – transformation doesn’t happen overnight, but as a result of many steps.  This is not to say transformation is difficult as much as it is a habit – some habits are easier than others to change.  To change a habit,  first identify something to replace it with.  For instance, you’ll see a lot of quitting smokers chewing gum.

For many people, their bad habit is how they are thinking about themselves or life, i.e. I’m unlovable or life is unfair, there’s never enough money.  Both these thoughts cripple the individual and manifest incident after incident in their own lives to valid these negative beliefs.  So like the smoker that quits cigarettes, one must quit negative thinking, but what to replace it with?  Guided meditation allows you to replace negative thought patterns with ones of success and peace. 

Try falling asleep to guided meditation and discover for yourself how these new ideas slip into your dreams and your language easily and effortlessly.  Whenever I am needing a little extra support I listen to I Meet Success or I am Safe.  Guided Meditation has transformed my life, how ‘bout you?

…Liking yourself.  When you like yourself, you accept yourself.  As life twists and turns, you respond with humor and compassion.  You allow yourself mistakes without judgment, as you know that nobody, including you is perfect. 

 When you like yourself, you aren’t threatened by another’s success.  You know there is enough for all and you are grateful.

 And best of all, when you like yourself, it shows.  There’s a certain glow of self-worth that radiates from those who like themselves.  It is attractive and you’ll notice, those who like themselves seem to have people around that like them too…

 How about you, do you like yourself?  Can you laugh with yourself, instead of at yourself?  Have you discovered the secret to happiness?

Valentine’s Day – Not my favorite holiday.  It’s seems to be a completely manufactured holiday by Hallmark and the florists, but still it is there on the calendar each year.   If you are alone – well, this holiday can really magnify that reality in sometimes frightening questions.  (Don’t you have a Valentine?  Why am I alone?  What’s wrong with me?)   STOP!  Take a breath – it’s 24 hours – pull yourself together and give these tips a try…

 1.  Reality check – this day shall pass.  Gratefully the day falls on a Sunday this year, so if you work in an office, school or the like – you do not have to witness the relentless parade of delivered flowers and chocolates.  Mantra – this day shall pass (and if need be – think how chocolate goes straight to the hips…)

2.  Turn on the tunes and dance – clothes optional.  Pick out the silliest, most danceable music and play loudly.  As you are busting a move and are grinning like an idiot, you may just start enjoying yourself. It’s hard to be too sad as you are shakin’ your bootie.  Suggestions: Black Eyed Peas, Michael Jackson, ABBA and the bad boy, Kanye West

3.  Make a plan.  Maybe you want to stay under the covers all day, but I encourage you to get together with friends and do something fun.  Go bowling or ice skating – do anything completely out of your norm.  This will take your focus off whatever negative spiral you may be slipping into and distract you from “poor me” thinking. And who knows who is ice skating today…

4.  Humor – if you are in a pitiful state, try to find just a little humor.  Watch silly movies, call friends who make you laugh.  Try anything that can get you giggling as it will help you move through your emotions.

5.  Go outside.  Take a walk or go for a drive if it is too cold, but get out of the four-walls closing in!  A change of scenery will allow you to stop the incessant thinking of, “What did I do wrong?  Why me?  Will I ever be happy again?”  I promise you will feel better and be happy again (you were before, so why not?)

6.  Big girls/boys do cry.  It’s ok to be sad.  The tears do eventually dry up.  Just remember your tears are a wave, maybe of the tsunami variety, but a wave – you are the vast ocean.  Waves pass and the ocean remains.  You remain.

7.  Get a new haircut, outfit and/or bedding.  Have you ever noticed how many people look better a few months after a break-up?  This is the upside of the break-up diet, i.e. can’t eat due to depression and sleeplessness.  As the song goes – wash that man (woman) out of your hair…and your bed too.

8.  Buy yourself something special the day before, if you like flowers and chocolate – go for it.  Whether you’re heart-broken or attached – don’t wait for someone else to tell you, “I love you, I value you.”  Do it yourself – anything else that comes your way is gravy.   

 *Remember this is one day – 24 hours – this too shall pass…Happy bowling – don’t forget your socks!  

1.  Is there a pattern?  Have you been here before?  It could be painful and frustrating to acknowledge, but if you have been in these shoes before, you still need to learn something.  Instead of getting bogged down in beating yourself up for being in this place again, I encourage you to try something new.  Respond differently.

 If you and your partner always fight about the same thing, I’m betting you are really fighting about the boundaries of your relationship or unmet needs.  If you are always broke, this is not about a job, but you and your deserving or being enough.  The problems are in fact opportunities for transformation, but first you have to transcend the beating up of self (ego trap.) 

 Beating yourself up keeps you down, stuck in your ego.  What if you responded with compassion and curiosity?  What if you used humor?  One of my self-defeating patterns is worst-case scenario thinking, because if I think of the worst thing, I’ll be ready, right?  Wrong, I’ll just be tired and anxious. 

 Here’s the compassion part – this strategy was born in my frightening childhood.  I was raised in a violent, alcoholic home, thus worst-case scenarios happened, but I am not a child any longer.  I don’t live in an alcoholic home; hence those strategies are hurting me today, instead of helping me. 

 Here’s the curiosity – what am I afraid of?  Afraid of losing?  Afraid of change?  Afraid of success? 

 We all will find ourselves in a pattern every now and then – it’s ok, we are always growing and expanding.  The key is to not get stuck in a pattern, but to use those moments to readjust and transform to what does work in this new day.

This past weekend I was at a conference and heard this amazing statistic about Americans.  80% of Americans consider themselves to be unhappy due to depression, anxiety, stress, health concerns and the economy.  I immediately had to ask myself – am I part of that 80%? 

 The shocking truth is – I was stressed, anxious for something that seems allusive and this silly economy is definitely pissing me off…Starkly, truthfully, painfully I had fallen out of the happy 20% to join the unhappy choir.  I do not want to be in that unhappy 80%. 

 It’s not that there aren’t real and valid complaints/issues in this large group.  Far from it – there is rejection, poverty, absolute victims, poor health, mental illness, and abandonment – it’s all in there and more, but I chose to leave that behind me.

 I have a friend who started taking anti-depressant pills this year and not surprisingly there were some that didn’t approve.  Let me be clear – I absolutely believe for each person the path to wholeness is unique.  Some are able to find healing through alternative approaches and some through the chemicals of modern science.  Whatever helps you become telios – the best you, you can be – is what I support. 

 I could not presume to know all the alleys and avenues to your peace – beware the friends who want to tell you how to live your life – for your own good…Are you one of those friends???

 But I digress; my friend has chosen to leave the 80% because she is no longer anchored not only to the past, but also to what others are thinking – more appropriately, their approval.  My friend has every good and valid reason for remaining in the 80% – she comes by her wounds bluntly, but here’s the thing – you are unhappy and that is exhausting.  She has tried everything and I do mean everything, yet still she struggled unhappily.   However there was always this nagging feeling that life can feel good and in balance and gratefully, now she is experiencing this very life…

 I think this is why the 80% stay unhappy – they do not believe happiness is truly possible for them – maybe for other people, but not them.  Somehow through life the belief that other people, but not you, are happy becomes imbedded.  It’s not a choice so much as a result of experience, example or habit. 

 If you are unhappy now, I encourage you to make a shift – in your thinking, in your habits, or even seek support if needed, but know that you too deserve to be happy.  It is possible for you too – life feels good and it is in balance…

Before I got married – I was like all the rest, believing in fantasies, “When I’m married, we will always have hot sex.  I love my fiancé.”  Fast-forward several years – two small children and no sleep – guess what?   The sex wasn’t so hot anymore, in fact, we weren’t really having sex too much and then I remembered my words from years ago…Ugghhh.  How could I have been so naïve???

 I still remember the day, about five years ago, when I was kissing my husband and thinking, “Was I ever turned on by this man?”    How could this be?  I believed him to be my true love – we were meant – yet I felt dead inside when we kissed.  Warning: red lights flashing!!!  Like many before us, we headed off to marriage counseling and discovered we both had things to work on…

 Fast-forward to today, little wiser, little more humble, and back to hot sex.  Why?  I abandoned an idea of how my marriage “should” look and began to create a marriage that does work for both of us.  I’m not saying it’s perfect or without issue, but I am happier with me and how I view my marriage. 

 I realized I had to stop pointing to my husband as to why I was not happy and begin to examine the three fingers pointing back at me.  As an old therapist used to say, “He makes himself an easy target, but what are you doing here?” 

 What “shoulds” do you need to give up in your significant relationship?  He “should” know that hurts my feelings.  She “should” have been there for me this way.  He “should” know what I like.  She “should” know I love her.  What “shoulds” are getting in your way today?

I’m painting again.  Not because I felt the pull of some artistic calling, but because I wanted to cover a grate in the wall at home.  I found the perfect sized canvas to cover the spot and I decided it would be easier to just to paint something…Well, that was Monday, I am still painting and I am happy.

 I remember putting my paints and brushes away when the babies came years ago – no room, no time.  I put those talents away, in storage – maybe for another day… 

 Yet here I am, paint smeared on my fingers and sweatshirt, smiling to discover that happy girl with talents aplenty…