…Liking yourself.  When you like yourself, you accept yourself.  As life twists and turns, you respond with humor and compassion.  You allow yourself mistakes without judgment, as you know that nobody, including you is perfect. 

 When you like yourself, you aren’t threatened by another’s success.  You know there is enough for all and you are grateful.

 And best of all, when you like yourself, it shows.  There’s a certain glow of self-worth that radiates from those who like themselves.  It is attractive and you’ll notice, those who like themselves seem to have people around that like them too…

 How about you, do you like yourself?  Can you laugh with yourself, instead of at yourself?  Have you discovered the secret to happiness?

Valentine’s Day – Not my favorite holiday.  It’s seems to be a completely manufactured holiday by Hallmark and the florists, but still it is there on the calendar each year.   If you are alone – well, this holiday can really magnify that reality in sometimes frightening questions.  (Don’t you have a Valentine?  Why am I alone?  What’s wrong with me?)   STOP!  Take a breath – it’s 24 hours – pull yourself together and give these tips a try…

 1.  Reality check – this day shall pass.  Gratefully the day falls on a Sunday this year, so if you work in an office, school or the like – you do not have to witness the relentless parade of delivered flowers and chocolates.  Mantra – this day shall pass (and if need be – think how chocolate goes straight to the hips…)

2.  Turn on the tunes and dance – clothes optional.  Pick out the silliest, most danceable music and play loudly.  As you are busting a move and are grinning like an idiot, you may just start enjoying yourself. It’s hard to be too sad as you are shakin’ your bootie.  Suggestions: Black Eyed Peas, Michael Jackson, ABBA and the bad boy, Kanye West

3.  Make a plan.  Maybe you want to stay under the covers all day, but I encourage you to get together with friends and do something fun.  Go bowling or ice skating – do anything completely out of your norm.  This will take your focus off whatever negative spiral you may be slipping into and distract you from “poor me” thinking. And who knows who is ice skating today…

4.  Humor – if you are in a pitiful state, try to find just a little humor.  Watch silly movies, call friends who make you laugh.  Try anything that can get you giggling as it will help you move through your emotions.

5.  Go outside.  Take a walk or go for a drive if it is too cold, but get out of the four-walls closing in!  A change of scenery will allow you to stop the incessant thinking of, “What did I do wrong?  Why me?  Will I ever be happy again?”  I promise you will feel better and be happy again (you were before, so why not?)

6.  Big girls/boys do cry.  It’s ok to be sad.  The tears do eventually dry up.  Just remember your tears are a wave, maybe of the tsunami variety, but a wave – you are the vast ocean.  Waves pass and the ocean remains.  You remain.

7.  Get a new haircut, outfit and/or bedding.  Have you ever noticed how many people look better a few months after a break-up?  This is the upside of the break-up diet, i.e. can’t eat due to depression and sleeplessness.  As the song goes – wash that man (woman) out of your hair…and your bed too.

8.  Buy yourself something special the day before, if you like flowers and chocolate – go for it.  Whether you’re heart-broken or attached – don’t wait for someone else to tell you, “I love you, I value you.”  Do it yourself – anything else that comes your way is gravy.   

 *Remember this is one day – 24 hours – this too shall pass…Happy bowling – don’t forget your socks!  

1.  Is there a pattern?  Have you been here before?  It could be painful and frustrating to acknowledge, but if you have been in these shoes before, you still need to learn something.  Instead of getting bogged down in beating yourself up for being in this place again, I encourage you to try something new.  Respond differently.

 If you and your partner always fight about the same thing, I’m betting you are really fighting about the boundaries of your relationship or unmet needs.  If you are always broke, this is not about a job, but you and your deserving or being enough.  The problems are in fact opportunities for transformation, but first you have to transcend the beating up of self (ego trap.) 

 Beating yourself up keeps you down, stuck in your ego.  What if you responded with compassion and curiosity?  What if you used humor?  One of my self-defeating patterns is worst-case scenario thinking, because if I think of the worst thing, I’ll be ready, right?  Wrong, I’ll just be tired and anxious. 

 Here’s the compassion part – this strategy was born in my frightening childhood.  I was raised in a violent, alcoholic home, thus worst-case scenarios happened, but I am not a child any longer.  I don’t live in an alcoholic home; hence those strategies are hurting me today, instead of helping me. 

 Here’s the curiosity – what am I afraid of?  Afraid of losing?  Afraid of change?  Afraid of success? 

 We all will find ourselves in a pattern every now and then – it’s ok, we are always growing and expanding.  The key is to not get stuck in a pattern, but to use those moments to readjust and transform to what does work in this new day.

This past weekend I was at a conference and heard this amazing statistic about Americans.  80% of Americans consider themselves to be unhappy due to depression, anxiety, stress, health concerns and the economy.  I immediately had to ask myself – am I part of that 80%? 

 The shocking truth is - I was stressed, anxious for something that seems allusive and this silly economy is definitely pissing me off…Starkly, truthfully, painfully I had fallen out of the happy 20% to join the unhappy choir.  I do not want to be in that unhappy 80%. 

 It’s not that there aren’t real and valid complaints/issues in this large group.  Far from it – there is rejection, poverty, absolute victims, poor health, mental illness, and abandonment – it’s all in there and more, but I chose to leave that behind me.

 I have a friend who started taking anti-depressant pills this year and not surprisingly there were some that didn’t approve.  Let me be clear – I absolutely believe for each person the path to wholeness is unique.  Some are able to find healing through alternative approaches and some through the chemicals of modern science.  Whatever helps you become telios – the best you, you can be – is what I support. 

 I could not presume to know all the alleys and avenues to your peace – beware the friends who want to tell you how to live your life – for your own good…Are you one of those friends???

 But I digress; my friend has chosen to leave the 80% because she is no longer anchored not only to the past, but also to what others are thinking – more appropriately, their approval.  My friend has every good and valid reason for remaining in the 80% - she comes by her wounds bluntly, but here’s the thing – you are unhappy and that is exhausting.  She has tried everything and I do mean everything, yet still she struggled unhappily.   However there was always this nagging feeling that life can feel good and in balance and gratefully, now she is experiencing this very life…

 I think this is why the 80% stay unhappy – they do not believe happiness is truly possible for them – maybe for other people, but not them.  Somehow through life the belief that other people, but not you, are happy becomes imbedded.  It’s not a choice so much as a result of experience, example or habit. 

 If you are unhappy now, I encourage you to make a shift – in your thinking, in your habits, or even seek support if needed, but know that you too deserve to be happy.  It is possible for you too – life feels good and it is in balance…

Before I got married - I was like all the rest, believing in fantasies, “When I’m married, we will always have hot sex.  I love my fiancé.”  Fast-forward several years - two small children and no sleep – guess what?   The sex wasn’t so hot anymore, in fact, we weren’t really having sex too much and then I remembered my words from years ago…Ugghhh.  How could I have been so naïve???

 I still remember the day, about five years ago, when I was kissing my husband and thinking, “Was I ever turned on by this man?”    How could this be?  I believed him to be my true love – we were meant – yet I felt dead inside when we kissed.  Warning: red lights flashing!!!  Like many before us, we headed off to marriage counseling and discovered we both had things to work on…

 Fast-forward to today, little wiser, little more humble, and back to hot sex.  Why?  I abandoned an idea of how my marriage “should” look and began to create a marriage that does work for both of us.  I’m not saying it’s perfect or without issue, but I am happier with me and how I view my marriage. 

 I realized I had to stop pointing to my husband as to why I was not happy and begin to examine the three fingers pointing back at me.  As an old therapist used to say, “He makes himself an easy target, but what are you doing here?” 

 What “shoulds” do you need to give up in your significant relationship?  He “should” know that hurts my feelings.  She “should” have been there for me this way.  He “should” know what I like.  She “should” know I love her.  What “shoulds” are getting in your way today?

I’m painting again.  Not because I felt the pull of some artistic calling, but because I wanted to cover a grate in the wall at home.  I found the perfect sized canvas to cover the spot and I decided it would be easier to just to paint something…Well, that was Monday, I am still painting and I am happy.

 I remember putting my paints and brushes away when the babies came years ago – no room, no time.  I put those talents away, in storage - maybe for another day… 

 Yet here I am, paint smeared on my fingers and sweatshirt, smiling to discover that happy girl with talents aplenty…