Here is the bitch of it: for all my understanding and faith in a higher power – life is still not fair sometimes.  How can this be?  Where is my God from the 1^st Testament?  A righteous and violent God who punishes those who sin?  He will cast out the unworthy, right?  Then I remember rainbows. Later in the 1^st Testament, God gave up leveling the ‘fallen’ or debauched communities with floods and plagues to punishment them.  He became the God of boundless Grace.  I like to think he matured, he grow-up and discovered you can’t punish someone out of bad, but you can love them out of it. 

According to the Bible, rainbows became his personal sign of his infinite love for each of us.  However personally, some days I long for the Bad-ass God who likes to smite the wicked.

When I am caught in the unfairness of a situation or with a person, I try to comfort myself with the belief, “I can only see in part, You (God) see all.”  Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn’t.  I am reminded of Jesus on the cross crying out his last to his Father – have you Forsaken Me?…I know that desperation, the fear of being abandoned as you know in your heart you have done all that has been required of you, yet still you hang on the cross, waiting.  How can this be?   “I can only see in part…”

Recently a new door has appeared – an unexpected opportunity now lay on the horizon.  Unfortunately, at this moment, all we can do is wait – just staring at the door, trying to will it open with our desires…

I have never been good at waiting.  I am an action-oriented person, none of this “sitting around and waiting for life to tap me on the shoulder,” I’m already down the road.

Last night as we were walking the dog, my daughter asked me, “Mommy, when will this happen?”   I smiled and heard myself offer a very reasonable answer, “Sweets, only God knows that – we can only see in part.  All will be revealed in the right time.  Not to worry, everything is being taken care of.”  And like kids do – she bought it and shifted to a new topic.  Ummm, I think I’m supposed to learn something here.

When I am waiting, I try to distract myself with the knowledge that everything is happening in its right time.  I repeat over and over in my mind, “I can only see in part…”  The last time I used this mantra so fiercely was years ago when my son was suffering from multiple daily seizures and we couldn’t find any answers.  Interestingly, the healing happened months before the answers were revealed…So it’s good to notice this time we wait on our heart’s desires, instead of our worst fears…

I have come to believe in active waiting.  I like the old Arab saying, “Trust in God and tie up your horses,” because it implies a partnership with God and your future.  Discernment, sometimes you act and sometimes you wait – knowing the difference is the rub.

So today, we wait on the will of heaven, and pray for this or something better yet to be revealed.  So be it. 

article first published 8/08, waiting phase again.

Today I stumbled onto two women’s stories about faith, God and the truth. These two women are remarkable and standing firmly in their faith – held by love. Two divine daughters both tested by circumstances beyond their control. And both found peace through surrender…

It is not WHY ME?, the question is WHAT FOR?

I invite you to witness their answers…

Chely Wright

Stephanie Nielson

Such courage is celebrated from on high! Joy and Praise Be! Let the truth ring out and set you free…

During the past couple months I have been witness to death.  A dear friend’s mother, small children and friends have died recently.  It has been an amazing lesson in living…

 Now is your time.  Today.  Nothing and I do mean nothing can make you appreciate life more than death.  Peace is to be enjoyed today and it is a choice…

 I have been honored, humbled and moved to receive updates of from a CaringBridge journal.  (CaringBridge.Org is a web site created to help you stay connected with loved ones during a serious health event.)  An old college frat brother of my husband’s is dying of brain cancer.  His wife updates the journal every few days.

 I can not begin to express how profoundly moved I am by her courage and grace as she moves through this transition.  Her beloved, the father of their child, her very best friend is moving onto another shore and she can but watch from the banks…How do you say good-bye?

 She is doing it well – celebrating small successes, humor, abounding love, tears and humbly she measures her days in conversations and words.  I am so grateful to be able to be an intimate witness of this family’s journey – I am better for it.

 Instead of shutting down, this woman’s heart bursts open – she has made to choice to celebrate and savor this moment.  Yes, she has made a choice to get into the boat with her husband.  To hold his hand until he reaches his own new shore…But she can not walk with him on his new beach, she must go back to the life they created together before this strange path unfolded.  She can only see in part right now…

 A couple weeks ago a dear friend’s mom died.  Unfortunately for this family there were many things left broken.  There are eight siblings in the family.  Before meeting the other siblings at the funeral, I only heard stories of the bickering.  In my mind I saw little kids fighting about who loves me best, hence when I saw this motley lot I was shocked to see they were all old people with gray hair.  For many of them, they had made the choice to be angry – forever. 

 Let’s be clear, most of us did not get the childhood we wanted.  There were real disappointments, betrayals, maybe violence and here we are.  I would say 90% of all parents are trying to do there best.  Unfortunately the best someone’s got can be stunning inadequate at times… 

 The wife I spoke of early could have made the choice to be angry – the situation is unfair.  Her husband was well just a year ago and now here they are.  I dare say this wasn’t the ending she wanted – it is cut too short. 

 And she responds with love, savoring the moments, the surprising conversations, thankful for the prayers holding them up and finding comfort in the sure knowledge – today she can only see in part, one day, one day she will see all…

 Information to create your own network of support through the CaringBridge.org. 

Today I invite you to stop complaining.  When I turn on the TV or radio, I hear the suffering of thousands in Haiti.  These people who had literally nothing have even less today.  It is heart-breaking as well as stunningly unfair.  You may wonder, where can God be?

 He is there, has been there all along with the least among us.  He has been working through the hands of aid workers and UN peacekeepers, but the need is so great. 

 Later in the day yesterday I heard someone complain about driving in the snow, and another ringing with work stress…I thought – what luxury.  We have the luxury of complaint – finding problems where often there is none.  We have the luxury to worry about everything because our basic needs are met.  We have shelter, food and education, we are blessed by the country we were born into…

 Thus today, try not to complain.  Just focus on the blessing of where you are…There is food, clean water, available doctors, shelter, so much more than our brothers and sisters in Haiti, not to mention much of the rest of the world. 

 If you are reading this – you are blessed.  You may feel lost, alone.  You may even be suffering and you are still blessed. 

 Support Rescue in Haiti.    

This week in California a fifteen year girl was gang raped as 20 or more persons watched.  She was at her school dance.  It lasted longer than two hours.  The horror of this assault is stunning to me and it always, always has me shaking my fist at God.  Where was God?  How can a loving God allow this to happen?  What evil dwells in the hearts of men to do this? 

Too many times I have heard a version of this same event from friends and even lovers.  How can this happen?  I don’t know.  I try to tell myself, ‘there is a valid reason for everything that happens, everything in your life is a creation of you,” and these words feel hollow – insensitive really.  Why?

 I hear in my mind, you can only see in part, you can only see in part…My mind flashes when I was molested by a relative at fifteen and I think, oddly it has made me a better person.  I am more empathetic of not only the victim but surprisingly the perpetrator too.  I have come up close to darkness and discovered my light still shines.

 I discovered we are not defined by the horrific moments in our lives but there aftermath.  How do you put it back together and still live an abundant life?  Gently, one small piece at a time.

 Bad things will continue to happen and I will continue to occasionally shake my fist at God.  And God will understand.  I flash to Jesus, his son, abused and tortured.  I remember how much I struggled with the sign of the cross.  It was so depressing – a place of unimaginable agony and I smile. 

 Today I love the cross because now I see love.  I remember people saying this to me years ago and I thought they were nuts, yet now I see differently.  I see that God sent his son to be with us.  Be with us. Be with us in joy and in sorrow.  To experience not only the good in life but also it’s darkest corners.  Why?  To know God is with you.  Really with you – as he has felt the cut of the spear, the betrayal, nakedness and the abandonment – all before a crowd, who did nothing.  I guess things haven’t changed too much in 2000 years.

 I know some in that crowd were afraid and some joined in the game.  Both responses still make me sad. 

 I can only see in part, I can only see in part, I can only see in part…

You either like Lewis Black or you deem him annoying – I am of the former group.  I enjoyed this book immensely particularly chapters jesus loves me, this I know; golfing in the kingdom and in the land of seagulls and gingham.

 Black is honest and funny.  He loves the ritual and mystery of a ‘higher power’ yet hates it’s translation through the tongues of fools, conmen or worse, murderers.  It seems to rattle his senses a bit and for a man who protests at having no faith, me thinks he protests too much.  An examined faith is a living faith.  I would say Black’s religion has a lot of wicked humor, love for all and a healthy dose of raunchy sex.  Enjoy!

I have always been a supporter of Ted Kennedy.  I’m from New England, Irish, liberal and out-spoken – he fit.  What I didn’t know was how great the man was and I believe this was a direct result of not only the tragedies that stuck his family but of his own failings. 

 Instead of turning inward, Kennedy responded to tragedy after tragedy with love, joy and light.  I was amazed at how well Kennedy treated his naysayers.  Frankly, I was inspired to be more compassionate, and to suffer the slings and arrows with just a bit more humor.

 I watched pretty much the entire tribute – it truly was a perfect Irish wake/funeral/burial.  Tears, tall tales and God.  From John Culver’s sailing adventure with Ted that had me falling off the sofa laughing so hard to the story of Kennedy spreading dirt over a grave in Israel.  I was completely and utterly moved by this man, his life, his faith, his good works and the love he held for his family, friends and the least among us. 

 Perfectly, my Dad called on Saturday late to review the services.  I knew he would be watching – just like me.  For as Chris Dodd so honestly spoke – Irish love the funerals.  We discussed the letter to the pope – both of us noted how Kennedy acknowledged his imperfect life, but through his faith and work he tried to right his path.

 Our conversation meandered to our own family, and my father, for the first time, copped to his own short-comings when he and my Mom were married.  Sure he had said he wasn’t perfect, but he really acknowledged how bad he was and how ashamed he was of that time.  He can’t look back and I agree. 

 I am grateful for his acknowledgment of the past, but I believe in moving forward.  I believe it is the energy that you put into each of your present moments that drives your life today.  For each of us will fall off the path, that is given.  It is how we choose to continue after the fall that builds the character of person. 

 May flights of angels carry you home Ted Kennedy, bless you.

Be still and know I am.

Be still and know I.

Be still and Know.

Be Still.

Be.

Lately I have been focused on the word surrender.  I can frankly say surrender is in exact opposition of my personality – I’m a doer.  In the beginning of the week a friend said to me, “Sounds like you have to surrender.” 

 What the hell kind of comment is that?  Can we say “useless?”  Imagine that I could surrender?  Me, the girl who’s name means “warrior?”  No, no there has to be something more I can do???  I think, think, think, twisting and turning the issues in my mind looking for anything not thought of – hopeful to see the puzzle finally set right, but no there are no new angles.  It is just beyond my control.  I can only see in part while so much has yet to be revealed…

 I tell myself the tricks – focus on manifesting, see the picture you desire, light candles, pray…yet still I am left in the dark.  I vacillate between shaking my fist at God and fear of what will be.  I feel myself on this hinge point between what was and what will be. 

 What I do know is life has changed forever – and amusingly, it was nothing I did or expected.  Life bumped into me – not tragically, but a powerful, unexpected awakening that blew apart long held beliefs of right or wrong.  A door I chose to close years ago burst open and I am grateful, even as I hear a chuckling God. 

 And I also see, surrender is my only path to peace.  I have done all I can do, said all the words that need to be said, I must wait for heaven to act.  So I light candles, say prayers, see the picture I desire in my mind and I comfort myself with the firm truth – I will not be in limbo forever, just awhile…Therefore I savor this life right now because it is shifting beneath my feet forever.  Things will be lost just as assuredly as new things will be found. I wait on the will of heaven to be revealed, confident I am protected and thrilled at what is to be…