For the past few years, I’ve been going on the women’s spiritual retreat with our church.  I had never been on a retreat before a few years ago.  The only other time I voluntarily lived with women was in college and only then because boys were too messy and smelled funny.

To be perfectly frank, in the past I never liked women all that much.  I usually had only a few close girlfriends growing up and the rest were guys.  Women were always too emotional, too catty for me.  They would cry easily and I could laugh with the guys.

Tears have always made me uncomfortable.  I don’t like to cry.  Both my parents were coaches, so needless to say tears were frowned upon.  If anyone started crying in my house, you were sure to ridiculed until the tears were replaced by hot anger.  Quickly, I learned to stuff all my emotions and found refuge in humor.

In my early twenties, I began uncovering all of those stuffed emotions—rejection, humiliation, anger, hurt, desperation, fear, longing, on and on.  A list of emotions we all run from, but never quite stay ahead of.  I also found  tears.  Yuck.  Aching, lost tears that would come pouring out at the movies, while watching soap operas, even commercials, the Olympics…It was pitiful.

I sought help and worked successfully with an excellent counselor.  There were lots of tears and healing, thus leading to the next phase in my life, marriage and kids.  It was only after “birthin’ babies” that I discovered the true value of girlfriends.  Girlfriends know your shoes, especially when they are covered in spit-up and the kids’ breakfast.  Not only could you laugh with your girlfriends, but you could cry too.

I joined a Mommies group after my daughter was born and found a wonderful circle of women.  I soon discovered that if one Mommy started crying, invariably someone else began sniffling and so on and so on.  Same went with the babies, one baby cries and soon there was a roomful wailing.  You did not cry alone.  Many times I would find myself welling up with tears and even sometimes, tears fell.  This was all very new to me.

Then I decided to go on the women’s spiritual retreat with my church after my son recovered from a health crisis.  Little did I know that spiritual retreats are set up to get you vulnerable, inevitably leading to tears, usually en masse.  I cried the entire weekend and I really, really needed it.

I had been so strong in my belief that my son would recover and in searching/finding the cure, that there had been no allowance for tears.  I was an old pro at stuffing my feeling from childhood.  That survivor had stepped back into my life for a while, but fortunately I was able through this circle of women and cleansing tears to regain myself, my adult.  As much as I have fought it, tears actually bring release and peace.

So I was surprised last year, when I was at the retreat that I shed no tears.  It wasn’t for lack of compassion with the suffering of those around me but I finally discovered the concept of “holding the space.”  I no longer had these wounded places that could be triggered by a friend’s pain or experience.  I was free.

I was free to support my weeping friend by just listening.  I did not need to take on her issues.  I could be her witness.  She could tell her story without having to worry about me.  It was such an empowering feeling to be on the other side.  I knew I had finally passed through and released so many of my painful “hooks.”

Her tears did not make me uncomfortable, they told me of her heart.

Oh, I know another year I’ll go to the retreat, I’ll be telling a painful story and quite possibly be in tears, but now, I know tears from every side.  I see the many facets–cleansing, sadness, joy, pain, triumph…all of it.  I am grateful to be here, in these new shoes, no longer covered in spit-up.  I am grateful to have a circle of women in my life that allow me to be wherever I am on my journey.  Sometimes holding the space, and sometimes being held.  May you find your circle.

We live in a society of complaint.  Each of us has our own “victim” story that we hold dear, our deep reservoir of excuses of why life is not working out as planned and who or what is to blame.  Without a doubt each of us have been “victims” in certain experiences or events, but no longer are we in those spaces today, yet continually we identify ourselves as “victims” over and over.  What keeps us in a victim state?  An inability to forgive.

Forgiveness, it’s such a tricky thing.  Who does not want to deem themselves to be someone who forgives?  We are taught “forgiveness” is what we “should” do, but do you?  Do you really forgive those who hurt you?  Offend you, maybe even insult you or worse?  And what if those hurts are abhorrent, seemingly above forgiveness?  Do you still forgive?  Yes, but let me explain — forgiveness is not absolution for your perpetrator, but an inward act of healing and grace for yourself.

I believe when you withhold forgiveness you live in the past.  You tie yourself to your victim story, the places you are broken.  We all have broken places, wounds that never quite heal.  In fact, it is in these very wounded places that we can connect to one another in the most profound way, because hurts are a great equalizer in humanity.

Each of us has been to a dark place in our lives, hurt and broken, and so too has the person sitting next to you been to this same dark place.  Our individual wounds may have different names and experiences, but underneath it is the same - pain.  To escape this pain, we blame others, withhold forgiveness and carry on our victim story disempowering our lives at every turn.

I was just about thirty when I discovered I wasn’t a victim.  Yes, of course, there had been terrifying moments of truly being a victim over the years, but I discovered a new philosophy through reading books by Dr Wayne Dyer about “there is a valid reason for everything that happens.”  It is quite a bitter pill to swallow – the concept that you are responsible for everything that has happened in your life.

When I first read this, my reaction was immediate horror – how could I be responsible for any of those horrible experiences?  And then, I looked at my life again and I saw the web.  The complex reality of all these experiences and there impact on my life for better and worse.  I saw the silver linings in the horrific events.

Yes, in certain moments, surely I was a victim, but after that moment in time, it is how I related to that event that I either continued to be a victim or found the courage to transcend.  This is not to deny the anguish or even heartache of these events, but to go beyond the pain to gain new understanding.  The understanding that events and experiences happen, but I am not defined by just that staggering moment.  Instead, I am defined by my courage as I face disappointments, failures, betrayals, and even hurts.

When you transcend and take responsibility for everything that happens in your life, you step into your power.  For me this is when I discovered a deeper connection to Spirit.  I began to understand my soul’s purpose and see the underlining truth – this is my life today, I chose who I want to be every day.  The events and experiences of my past have lead me to this place and I am grateful to finally be able to view past disappointments and hurts to discover courage.  Once you discover the silver lining, it is almost impossible to maintain the resentment to withhold your forgiveness.

Let me be clear, this does not excuse the offense, nor does this mean you need to contact the offender to let them know they are forgiven.  (However, in most cases this would be the goal.)  Truly, forgiveness begins within.  It begins with self.  Can you forgive yourself for your own mistakes, real or imagined?  Forgiveness is no far off place.  It is here, today, waiting for you to step into…Courage.