Are you running into the same old Patterns?  Instead of getting stuck in a negative spiral of, “Why me?”  Discover how to ask yourself, “What for?” and find real solutions.Join us tonight on http://www.blogtalkradio.com/indieonair for solutions, meditation, laughs and you just may learn something.  Also discussing Mercury Retrograde and You!

For the past couple months I have had a plan to move our family to Costa Rica.  We have wanted to move abroad for about a year and while vacationing, we fell in love with Costa Rica.  We love the energy, the beaches/mountains, the climate (best in the world according to National Geographic!) and the people.  It is just fantastic.

We began thinking about moving to Costa Rica very seriously three months ago.  Things seemed to be opening in that direction.  I partnered with a wonderful new friend to run Yoga/Meditation Retreats in Atenas, Costa Rica this November.  I began researching and discovering all sorts of support already in place thus leading me to believe moving to Costa Rica was our path.

Six days ago I came down to Costa Rica to begin setting the retreats in motion and life shifted again.  The reality of being a gringo in a third world country become stunning disappointing.  Just by my white skin alone – I am assumed by Ticos (Costa Rican citizens) to be rich and the prices are automatically doubled.  By Tico standards of living (a family salary of roughly $12,000 a year) we are quite wealthy.  Anyone coming down to Costa Rica is considered wealthy by that standard, hence Ticos believe you can afford anything.

And here is the other cultural reality, they lie all the time because confrontation is frowned upon in this society.  Ticos prefer to make up stories, telling you what you want to hear, instead of the truth that very well may disappoint.  Ughh.  I’m not even going to go into their sense of service (sloooooooow) or time…two hours late is normal.

Have you ever read Eat, Pray, Love?  Horrible book in my opinion except for the part about different cultures and ‘taking advantage.’  Here in Costa Rica, Ticos double prices for gringos because they have so little – just try living on $12,000 a year…The doubling of prices is not an act of cruelty or malice, it’s really survival (think Maslow’s theory.) Although I understand this, for me, it is unacceptable to live in community where deception is status quo.  I would forever be on guard.  Ughhhh. 

For the past several years I have been connecting to more Goddess energy – softer, non-confrontational, peaceful resolution.  I want to be soft and loving, not on guard…Hence I have been very sad these past few days as reality meets the dream and the path can not be a permanent move Costa Rica at this moment.  Third world countries aren’t Disney and Tinker-bell isn’t flying through fireworks every night at ten.  So I have had to shift and accept the truth sometimes the dream cannot be reality…A tough pill to swallow at any age.

As my taxi this morning drove me to the airport I received a call.  It was my other driver, Walter, who had taken me all over Costa Rica with my new business partner/friend as we looked and found retreat spots.  Walter is amazing, completely trustworthy and honest.  He wanted to wish me well on my travels and let me know how kind/wonderful he thought I was…I thought to myself – what a great business man AND most importantly, I heard what spirit was trying to tell me – there are good people everywhere.  Here their need is greater then mine – things are muddy when people are hungry…and I can still see through the muck to the beautiful places and people that are the Costa Rica I fell in love with.  So I will be a forever visitor and not a permanent residence…Not such a bad deal.

Hmmmm, guess this means Spirit has other plans…can’t wait to see what unfolds!  With that, I’m off to Sonoma, Ca. this weekend for more business and pleasure.  This is an abundant life, warts and all.  How blessed am I???  Brilliantly!!!  Thank You GOD!

Morale: Focus on the good, be willing to shift if need be and Trust the path will open again.

Everyone disagrees at some point or another, the trick is how to “discuss’ without resorting to name-calling, finger-pointing or personal attacks.  This may be easy with a store clerk, but with a spouse or friend things can get complicated quick.  These are a few tips this Irish, red-head has picked up through ten-plus years of marriage and many clients…

 1.       Shut your mouth and listen.  Actually listen to the person you are in conflict with – do not plan your next verbal attack while the other person is speaking.  A way to force yourself to do this is to repeat back to the other person what their complaint is after him/her stops speaking.  For example, “I hear you are mad at me because I am late, correct?”

 2.       Walk away to take some time to settle down.  Sometimes whatever you are arguing about can be quite painful or upsetting and you may start feeling yourself becoming defensive and/or accusing – this is not going to lead to a positive outcome, so allow yourself some space to settle down.  Let your partner know you need some time to settle down and try to set up another time to discuss this later.  Doing this allows you to focus on the “real issues” instead of your “bad reactions” that may distract you from the “real issues.”  Some years ago when my husband and I were in marriage counseling.  My husband would do something stupid/selfish and I would go ballistic.  It took us a long time to get to his very, real bad behaviors because my reactions would be so outrageous as to eclipse his negative behaviors.  I had to learn to settle myself down before/during discussions as to deal with the real issues.

 3.       Breathing.  Sometimes in the heat of an argument you may realize you are holding your breath or experience shallow breathing.  Stop speaking for a few moments and just breathe.  Use your breath to sooth yourself back down to more relaxed space – you will notice you can listen better and have more clarity after you regain your footing.

 4.       Do you want to be right or do you want to find common ground?  This is your ego wanting to “win” your arguments.  Being right all the time can ultimately lead to isolation and loneliness.  The real question to ask yourself is – why do I have to be right?  Ask yourself in the middle of an argument – am I trying to be right or can we compromise?  It takes two people to argument, but one to make a change for the better.

 5.       What is your part?  Be honest, you do have a part – even if it is very small.  The quicker you can focus on your part in the argument, the quicker you will get to resolution.  When you discover your part, you are able to learn – how to avoid this in the future, or what is important to you or even, why this isn’t working?  With better information and clarity you are able to make healthier decisions that meet the needs of both of you instead of just one. 

 6.       Humor.  Yes, some arguments are very serious and some would argue jokes are not appropriate.  However, I am Irish as I have said (gallows’ humor for sure) and the quicker I can laugh about whatever, the better.  Once I was with my sister-in-law taking care of both our kids (four in all) and my husband was two hours late getting back from a bike ride with friends.  Over the couple hours he was late – I was getting more and more pissed off.  Finally he walks through the door and my sister-in-law greets him with, “Hey, “dead-man-walking” – good to see you upright?”  I just about wet my pants I was laughing so hard.  Yes, I was still angry, but no longer at the point of inflicting bodily injury…A warning though, not everyone appreciates this humor as I have lost a friend by making this very same joke with her husband.  Needless to say, it would have happened sooner or later as I don’t take life/events nearly as dramatically as she did.

 7.       Flexibility and letting go.  Once you discover you don’t have to be “right” or recognize your part in the argument, you become more flexible.  As much as I hate it – disagreements, arguments are opportunities to bring your relationship closer be it a friend or lover.  There is no one person on the planet who you would get along with always – not even a soul-mate or twin-flame.  There will be disagreements in life if only because each of us is a separate, thinking individual with our own unique perspective.  Arguments are an opportunity to learn about yourself and your partner – it just doesn’t feel like an opportunity in the heat of the moment.  So breathe.  Be open to learning new information and once peace/harmony has been restored, let go.  Holding grudges or continuing to stew about past arguments is about you – not the other person.  These negative feeling hurt you every day and even draw more arguments into your life.  If you are having trouble “letting go” try journaling, talking with other friends or possibly seek professional help with a life coach or therapist to discover how to let go or what is driving your unresolved feelings.

 These are just a few tips I have discovered thus far in my many years of marriage and working with clients.  May they serve you well. 

Last week while I recorded my podcast on “flexible thinking” – I kept thinking, “If you want a flexible mind, a flexible mind doesn’t just happen – you are presented with opportunities to be flexible and you choose to be flexible…” 

 A week ago Monday we had a plumbing disaster in our home.  The downstairs was flooded and the carpet ruined, but we have the proper insurance to make us whole again minus the deductible.   Instead of focusing on the timing (x-mas in two week!), the cost of the deductible or even the gross factor – I celebrated all new carpets (900 sq ft) for really so little out of my pocket in the scheme of things.  I stayed in this flexible and humorous attitude for about 48 hours…Then the hassles began…

 We had to leave the house for three days because of the sterilization and drying out factor.  Only I did not know this until the fumes were affecting my thinking Friday afternoon.  Quickly I scramble to find a rental for all of us – yes, the dog too and here is where the rub truly begins – where to stay with a dog???  I discovered hovels and shacks except dogs (not where I like to stay.)  Needless to say this is where I ran up against the challenge of staying flexible and the reality of I like my comforts…I had been so good about all of this – making a joke of it, focusing on the good and now the hovel…

 It was that first morning in the hovel that I remembered my thought the day before, “If you want a flexible mind – opportunities.”  I started laughing aloud and looked around for something positive to focus on.  Ok, it’s got the wood fireplace I like and I’ve got this puzzle…Relax.  Then I realized my mistake – when I was looking for rentals I forgot to use my pendulum. 

 Part of the reason I was so unsatisfied with our rental is I always find the best places to stay – swank and an unbelievable deal.  I use my pendulum for all kinds of guidance including identifying the best place to stay, events to attend and a variety of other “small stuff” that actually affects the quality of your daily life.  Over the years my pendulum has become an invaluable tool to weed threw the quagmire of options and discover gems.

 Then I remembered I still needed to make a reservation for Sunday night – this time I used the pendulum and found a gem of a place to stay.  Suddenly my hovel I sat in wasn’t so bleak anymore and I started to notice more – the gentle snow fall outside, the kindness of the front desk staff, the mountains that surrounded us…

 We walked outside only to be greeted by huge Elks with massive antlers casually eating the pine needles out of the window box.  It was amazing and magically to be so close to these wild beasts…and a memory none of us will ever forget, hovel and all.    

Before I had children I swore I would never have a baby with a snotty face…then I came face to face teething.  Teething, wailing resistance and snot won.  It was the beginning of my understanding that I knew less.  Those damn baby books didn’t in fact know everything. 

 The difficult part of this discovery was – there wasn’t a manual.  I realized I would be always be ‘slightly bumbling through’ – adjusting as we go.  Happily, I like it.  Being a mom has been a great opportunity to learn flexibility.  Some days I am better at it then others.  So it goes…but motherhood has informed my life and my heart in ways I never imagined.  Happy Mother’s Day to you.

Why are some people happy and others not?  There are certain factors that contribute to one’s ability to be “happy” under most circumstances.  These are a few…

 1.         Flexibility.  The old saying “once you make a plan, God laughs,” has proven true time and time again in my own life.  Being able to adjust to changing life events, even as minor as dinner plans, with flexibility and ease leads directly to happiness.  Why?  Flexibility means forsaking control – willingly.  Quite a feat to be sure, but a gift – only to be received if you are willing to give up control first.    

 2.         Don’t take it personally.  As my father wisely once said, “Some people are just a@@holes.”  You can be assured in your life that your will encounter some real “pains in the bottom”, difficult situations, unfairness, and other assorted crap.  Promise.  And the person sitting next to you, same thing.  The same goes with any other person you meet in your life too.  We are all stumbling through at times.  So, relax, take a breath and imagine what you would like to happen in whatever situation is causing you difficulty.  Focusing on what you want enables you to emerge from any frustration with clarity.

 3.         Humor.  Once you are able to either laugh at yourself or whatever the situation, you bring lightness to your heart.  Laughter feels good.  Watch funny movies, read amusing books, talk to a friend who always makes you laugh, go bowling.  Just by adding more laughter to your life and you will notice, gently a quiet lightness entering your thoughts and being.

 4.         Positive attitude.  I am not suggesting to live like some annoying, over-the-top Polly-Anna, but to live your life on the foundation that, “all is well.”  This isn’t to deny there are problems or tragedies in life, but it does focus on solutions instead of the difficulties.

 5.         Gratitude.  Happy people are reminded each day of their blessings – the good and the difficult.  As much as it drives me nuts, challenges are opportunities.  Opportunities to learn, to grow and most importantly, to know yourself better.  True gratitude is born out of compassion – just as much for yourself as others.

 6.         Confidence.  Not swaggering, but a calm knowing of ones own abilities.  Confidence also means knowing you will stumble on occasion, but the confident person knows not to make a habit of it. 

 7.         Presence.  Happy people live right now, in this moment – not dreaming about yesterday or fantasying about tomorrow.  Here and now – laughing about the things that others might be frustrated by, and knowing all is well… 

 8.         Choice.  All happy people know happiness is a choice.  Some days it’s easier to be happy, while other days may be a bit more of a struggle.  However, knowing that you have the choice to lift yourself up or push yourself down – often leads to better decisions.

 Happiness is not derived from one isolated event, but by attitudes and beliefs.  Gratefully, like choice, each of us has the power to change our attitudes and beliefs with time and attention. 

 Happiness isn’t for someone else, it’s for you.  It is for each one of us to sink deeply into the happiness of this moment, however mundane the pleasures.  May you discover happiness already waits for you, deep within.