“Now remember with Saturn going retrograde, karma is due.  Old lovers are going to contact you.  It’s resolution time baby!”  I said on Indie Spirit last week…

As these words came tripping out of my mouth days ago, I was thinking, oh Kelly, heed the warning sister…Yesterday I was contacted by a long, lost lover.  He found me on Facebook, of course.  He is far, far away in another country ~ bored in the middle of the night.

This man was not someone I loved, nor was I someone he loved, but we shared a magical escape once a long time ago.  He wanted to know if I still had my tattoo.  He wanted to tell me he has never forgotten my tattoo or me…

We wrote of kids, marriage and laughed about our own adventures.  We chatted up happy lives of here and now.  It was somewhere in the middle of the chat, I felt myself detach – why was this happening?  Ok, Saturn retrograde, yeah, yeah…but what do I need to hear and what could lead me astray?

And he wrote it again, “I just wanted you to know I will never forget you or the adventure…”

I responded with a laughing, “Never ever.”  Just then I realized he was making sure I didn’t ever forget about him.  He needed to be SEEN as that guy from that night.  He needed to be tattooed into this memory.  For it was tattooed onto him.

Now I could be lead astray here, wanting this experience to be more, but it’s not about me.  Yes, it is a compliment to be contacted and remembered, but it really has nothing to do with me. It’s about him.  Just as my reaction years ago was about me…

We were in Ireland celebrating my Mother’s 50^th Birthday with my stepfather, Mom, nine-year-old sister and me.  It was kind of ‘the best of times/worst of times trip.’  For an entire week my mother treated me like I was nine instead of 26.  We could only stop at places in the travel guide Fodor’s.  Needless to say by the last night in Ireland I was ready to cut loose.  My family flew out that day and I was alone for a night…well, not for long.

It was a night to remember.  Completely separate from me and my life in the states.  When I got back to the states I told a friend about my adventure and he reflected back to me, “I think you just needed to prove to yourself you weren’t a child but a woman.”

He was right.  I needed to prove to everyone I was not a little girl!  I laughed immediately and that became my focus of that experience – being in the fullness of womanhood.  Empowered, attractive, fiery, passionate, bold and laughter.  Celtic Brigit energy surely.

Fast forward to now.  This lover of my youth is now a middle-aged man.  Something drives him to connect again to that brash, young man from long ago.  He is compelled to be seen fully as that man from that night.  He needed to know that guy is in there, somewhere.  Only he knows the reasons why and I will not ask.  My life is here.

For my Celtic Brigit energy has only grown wiser.  The Goddess Brigit has three faces – the maiden, the matron and the crone.  I have left the maiden on distant shores years ago.  I am in the matron phase with a beloved husband, beautiful children and a graceful life.  Yet amusingly, I have been gratefully reminded that I am still that lass of yesterday too – empowered, attractive, fiery, passionate, bold and laughing.  Glad some things never change.  Thank you Saturn Retrograde.

You know this club. You can pick them out in any bar or social function. It’s the life is so-bad club. You can recognize the members because they are always talking about how hard things are. They never have enough time for themselves because of all the things they are doing for their kids, spouse, job, co-workers, boss, family, friends…However they DO have enough time to tell you how difficult things are, yet no solutions fall from their lips, just complaining words…

Not surprisingly each of us finds our way into this club at some time. We don’t usually intend to be a part of this club, but somehow the dynamics of a group or a single friendship deteriorates into this place. What began as voicing a concern, becomes a negative focus. Maybe the group begins whining about work or a friend complains about a sagging relationship, but it doesn’t stop there with letting off steam, it becomes relentless. It’s all you discuss – how bad it is…

When you discover yourself in this group – stop. Don’t blame anyone else, you got yourself here, now how to get out? Detach.

The reason you are in this negative dynamic now is because you feel power-less and you are stuck in a bad habit of thinking. For now, try to distance yourself from this group or friendship quietly and create some space for yourself. What are you afraid of? Are there solutions that you haven’t considered? Do you need a change?

Detachment may seem uncomfortable or even impossible for you, but do you really want to complain your life away? I think not. It could be the problem you are facing is too big for you to find your way through alone. Maybe you do need support, but it has to be healthy. You could try reaching out to a trusted friend or even someone like me, a life coach and begin setting goals to create the life you deserve. Instead of letting others or a group mentality keep you in a less-than place, make a different choice. For happiness is no far off shore, it’s closer then you think, just waiting for you to step into…

Are you looking to be happy? Maybe you wonder if it’s a place you just keep missing on the map? Here’s the thing, it’s not a destination, it’s more like a movable feast.

The definition of happiness changes. What you thought would make you happy years ago, often becomes a source of frustration later. You discover it’s in those middle moments that happiness really blooms. It’s in the imperfection.

You still chuckle about that rained out picnic so many summers ago or that unexpected late night card game with friends, wine and oh so many jokes…Happiness happens. It’s a feeling that grabs hold you and usually all those around you, if you allow it. It depends on flexibility, kindness and compassion. Something we all need a little bit more of each day.

Instead of looking for happiness today, I invite you to let it happen. When this day unfolds, with its ups and downs, respond with flexibility, kindness and compassion. You will be amazed how in the most unexpected of moments – happiness blooms.

Today is your choice. You can choose to experience this day with the past firmly holding on or, you can choose peace. Peace does begin with you. It begins with compassion for yourself and all those around you.

Look for ways to be peaceful, maybe go for walk with a favorite relative or friend. I encourage you to reflect on the many gifts you have received this year (a vacation, a new or renewed friendship, a job, a healing…the possibilities are endless) and say “thank you” from deep within your heart. For gratitude is a key to opening the doors to an abundant life. It’s available to you at this very moment – will you use it today to unlock a new Thanksgiving Spirit???

The holidays, that magical time of year, when families get together, break bread and more often than not – drive each other crazy. Oh, so much fun. Fortunately, through my own experiences and helping clients through these annual traditions, I have discovered the secret to better family holidays: detachment. Detachment can be done with love and even a sense of humor. Here are some tips to help you learn how to detach while being true to yourself in any situation.

1. Breathe. Maybe you become cornered by a family member in an uncomfortable conversation or maybe it is the things left unsaid that get your blood pumping, scattered your thoughts. You may notice your breath becomes shallow or even more rapid. Guess what? Stress has entered the picture. It seems so simple and obvious, but truly abnormal breathing is the first indicator of stress. Once you notice a shift within yourself, begin concentrating on your breathing. Breathe in deeply, letting the air fill your chest down into your belly and exhale slowly. Repeat several times to feel settled again.

2. Let go. Guess what? Those annoying habits of your family members are not going away. The aunt who asks, “when are you going to get married?” or “why don’t you come and see me?” She is not changing, but your reaction to her can. Think of a few lines that can stop an uncomfortable line of questioning. My personal favorite is, “Ummm, that is an interesting idea, I’ll have to think about that,” smile and excuse yourself to help in the kitchen or escape out back. These unseemly questions really don’t have as much to do with you as they have to do with the person asking the questions. If you look beneath the question, you will probably discover the pain or sense of lack that drives the person posing the questions.

3. Trust. I firmly believe there is a valid reason for everything that happens. Instead of falling into the old emotional traps of family dynamics, begin to practice the witness. How to do this? Watch and listen. This holiday season try being quieter and not engaging with your two cents over and over. You will begin to notice the poor behavior of those around you stem from their own wounds, not you. Once you see the raw places in those you love, compassion walks through the door. You begin to see their poor behavior is just a smoke screen to disguise their own pain, and suddenly you notice they don’t bother you as much. Surprisingly, you begin to feel grateful for your life and you trust yourself more.

4. Minimize. As much as I wish it were otherwise, sometimes there are family members who are just not pleasant to be around – period. Maybe they drink too much, play passive–aggressive games or are bigoted, whatever. Do not make yourself be around unhealthy people for the sake of the family. This may seem impossible, but in reality it is not. You are an adult now and no longer are you subject to choices of those around you. If the above three tips are not enough to make the situation work, leave – because you will do or say something you will regret later.

5. Do good things for yourself. Arrange for some time by yourself to do something you like to do – meditate, make a cup of tea and read a trashy magazine, watch your favorite movie, or go for a walk. No matter how loving a family can be, it’s stressful. Holidays bring out a variety of emotions, both good and bad. So take good care of yourself, and you will notice you will have more patience with that inquisitive relative that wants to know, “What are you going to do with your life?” Ummm, that’s interesting question, I’ll have to think…yeah, you know the rest.

6. Look for the gift. When you choose a different response to old family patterns, everything begins to change. This positive change may start with you but it will extend outward. You may discover things don’t bother as much or that you may even laugh inside when those inevitable inappropriate questions come your way. By not reacting, you change the dynamics within your family and open the door for better relationships.

7. Remember – this too shall pass, so laughter helps. Find the absurd amusing. The ridiculous gifts are an opportunity to smile, even if it’s on the inside. My mother-in-law goes around her house at Christmas time and seemingly picks out the most useless piece of crap, wraps it up and sends it off to me with some slightly insulting note attached. This is my Christmas gift. It’s not that she doesn’t have any money, this is her own game. This used to drive me nuts, but now, I laugh along with all my mom and friends as the gifts approach the absurd. I will never forget when she sent me a shawl she bought in Ireland years ago but hated, so she thought I would like it. What?!? Unfortunately, she cannot recognize she is really hurting herself with this passive aggressive behavior as it has a direct affect on her relationship with our family. I can choose to be hurt or see what is really going on – this is her stuff, her game and I don’t have to play.

So as you approach the holidays this year remember, there are only 24 hours in any day of the year. Sometimes this is a blessing and sometimes a curse. I offer you patience and courage. Patience with yourself and others and courage to be the change you seek. Breathe.

WTF kind of question is that, right?  There is no allusive “normal.”  Each marriage has it’s own unique rules and unspoken boundaries of behavior.  The real questions to be answered; are you happy?  Is your marriage working?  What can you do to make it better today?

 It’s time to stop looking over the fence at someone else’s life with envy – sure the grass may look greener over there, but it could be just a trick of lighting or it could be that over the fence, they have been working at it…Happy marriages don’t occur like magic – time, compromise, forgiveness and commitment create the foundation for a lasting, fulfilling marriage.  It’s complicated.

 Each person enters a marriage with flaws – that’s everyone, there are no perfect people.  True love and intimacy is not created from a string of good times linked together.  No, real intimacy/love is discovered when you see not only your own faults, but your partner’s too and it’s still ok.  Can you love yourself and your partner flaws and all? 

This isn’t easy. 

 Some flaws are ‘deal-breakers’ – violence, abuse, etc…but in most cases people are being human – fools one day, and saints the next.  Whatever your biggest issue is with your partner, it’s actually about you not them.  When you look at the issue again – what truth reflects back?  What’s your stuff?

 For example an old fight my husband and I had for several years of was about time – he always ran late.  I can’t tell you how many arguments we had about this and ultimately I discovered the final solution – I had to let go of time.  What???  How can this be??  He’s late.

 Well first, let’s begin with reality – he ran usually about half hour late, getting home around 6 – 6:15 pm.  I thought he should be home at 5:30 pm, he agreed in word but not deed.  Hence each day had a built in argument as I would watch the clock for tardiness every afternoon.  I could feel the anxiety begin rising about 4 pm and it would spiral up with varied unhappy outcomes.

 Then I got a clue – a friend challenged my version of reality – where did I get this magic time to be home by?  Ummm, well that’s what a happy family looks like, right?  Supper on the table by 6 pm, tubby time, story books and bed.  Her response – who do you know that really looks like this?  Ummm, nobody. 

 Her response – sounds like you have to change the picture to make it work.  Thunderbolt – I was holding onto an ‘idea’ of what it looks like to be a happy family, because my own childhood was so chaotic.  It was a picture I create from a wounded place.

 I had to let go of my imagined magic time for his arrival and decided to call a friend at 5pm instead of getting angry, again.  I began distracting myself from the time each day.  When my husband sailed in around 6pm, I was fine, no arguments, easy.

 Here’s the funny thing, my husband started coming home earlier and he became annoyed that I would be chatting on the phone instead of waiting for him…He was used to fighting every day about something, so if I didn’t start it, he would.  Deep breathing all around and some clear communication helped us get out of this dynamic. 

 Of course the issue of time still comes up, but now I see it for what it is – control.  If I control time, I control life – in reality, not so much. 

 But really, let’s get back to you – Are you Happy with your partner?  What are you struggling with in your marriage/relationship and do you need to change your picture?

Are you running into the same old Patterns?  Instead of getting stuck in a negative spiral of, “Why me?”  Discover how to ask yourself, “What for?” and find real solutions.Join us tonight on http://www.blogtalkradio.com/indieonair for solutions, meditation, laughs and you just may learn something.  Also discussing Mercury Retrograde and You!

“Gentle” doesn’t come easily for me.  I was raised to work hard – achieve.  There isn’t a whole lot of room for ‘soft and gentle’ when you are in competition, even if the person you are competing against is yourself.   

I wonder though is this a part of our culture too?  A couple years ago as I was watching the Olympics with it’s random interviews of the athletes.  I was surprised when a ping-pong champion was asked, “Why hasn’t ping-pong taken off in the States?” 

“Well, Americans don’t like things to be soft.  They want to go outside for their sports.  Hard,” she said.  How right she was!

Maybe it’s because America began with immigrants trying to make a better life – as they still try today.  Competition is a naturally outcrop of this path.  Or maybe it’s because we have so much already, organized competition has to be hard.  Or maybe it’s because Americans are driven to get their slice of the pie…

My grandfather came over from Ireland when he was about twenty and he was hungry.  Hungry for food, hungry for money and safety, hungry for love, hungry for a place be.  Unfortunately, he stayed hungry his whole life and passed this hunger, this ‘not enough’ feeling onto his children, my mother.  She too passed this message onto me, and my other siblings through her own words and deeds. 

And here I am today with a choice, “Do I too pass this hunger onto my children?  Do I continue the cycle of ‘not enough’?”  Of course the answer is easy, no I won’t pass it along…but do I anyway?  Through my own thoughtless deeds and words?  Sometimes horribly, yes.

So today I am working on – gentle and being soft.  Not to hear words spoken to me through a filter of fear and pain, but through light.  To expect the best from everyone and not to take it personally if another does not want to behave from their highest self.  That is their problem, their journey – my focus is with self.  And with myself – I am gentle and soft.  So be it.

For the past couple months I have had a plan to move our family to Costa Rica.  We have wanted to move abroad for about a year and while vacationing, we fell in love with Costa Rica.  We love the energy, the beaches/mountains, the climate (best in the world according to National Geographic!) and the people.  It is just fantastic.

We began thinking about moving to Costa Rica very seriously three months ago.  Things seemed to be opening in that direction.  I partnered with a wonderful new friend to run Yoga/Meditation Retreats in Atenas, Costa Rica this November.  I began researching and discovering all sorts of support already in place thus leading me to believe moving to Costa Rica was our path.

Six days ago I came down to Costa Rica to begin setting the retreats in motion and life shifted again.  The reality of being a gringo in a third world country become stunning disappointing.  Just by my white skin alone – I am assumed by Ticos (Costa Rican citizens) to be rich and the prices are automatically doubled.  By Tico standards of living (a family salary of roughly $12,000 a year) we are quite wealthy.  Anyone coming down to Costa Rica is considered wealthy by that standard, hence Ticos believe you can afford anything.

And here is the other cultural reality, they lie all the time because confrontation is frowned upon in this society.  Ticos prefer to make up stories, telling you what you want to hear, instead of the truth that very well may disappoint.  Ughh.  I’m not even going to go into their sense of service (sloooooooow) or time…two hours late is normal.

Have you ever read Eat, Pray, Love?  Horrible book in my opinion except for the part about different cultures and ‘taking advantage.’  Here in Costa Rica, Ticos double prices for gringos because they have so little – just try living on $12,000 a year…The doubling of prices is not an act of cruelty or malice, it’s really survival (think Maslow’s theory.) Although I understand this, for me, it is unacceptable to live in community where deception is status quo.  I would forever be on guard.  Ughhhh. 

For the past several years I have been connecting to more Goddess energy – softer, non-confrontational, peaceful resolution.  I want to be soft and loving, not on guard…Hence I have been very sad these past few days as reality meets the dream and the path can not be a permanent move Costa Rica at this moment.  Third world countries aren’t Disney and Tinker-bell isn’t flying through fireworks every night at ten.  So I have had to shift and accept the truth sometimes the dream cannot be reality…A tough pill to swallow at any age.

As my taxi this morning drove me to the airport I received a call.  It was my other driver, Walter, who had taken me all over Costa Rica with my new business partner/friend as we looked and found retreat spots.  Walter is amazing, completely trustworthy and honest.  He wanted to wish me well on my travels and let me know how kind/wonderful he thought I was…I thought to myself – what a great business man AND most importantly, I heard what spirit was trying to tell me – there are good people everywhere.  Here their need is greater then mine – things are muddy when people are hungry…and I can still see through the muck to the beautiful places and people that are the Costa Rica I fell in love with.  So I will be a forever visitor and not a permanent residence…Not such a bad deal.

Hmmmm, guess this means Spirit has other plans…can’t wait to see what unfolds!  With that, I’m off to Sonoma, Ca. this weekend for more business and pleasure.  This is an abundant life, warts and all.  How blessed am I???  Brilliantly!!!  Thank You GOD!

Morale: Focus on the good, be willing to shift if need be and Trust the path will open again.

Here are just a few tips to make this summer fantastic…

 1.         Picnic and concert/play.  I began going to outside plays and concerts when I was a kid with my Mom.  I try to go at least once a summer now.  Big blanket, yummy food, setting sun and art – could there be anything better?

 2.         Beach.  Whether you go to the ocean, a lake or even a stream – get to a beach.  I don’t care how old you are – take your shoes off and dig your toes in the sand and suddenly you are a kid again.  If you really want to feel good, build a sand castle and feel the years slip away as you play…

 3.         Book.  Reading is a way to travel and explore without leaving the comfort of your hammock.  If you are looking for an excellent to read this summer – check out my book reviews where you can find anything from hysterically funny (Me talk Pretty One Day) to self-help (The Power of Intention) to lyrical (The God of Small Things.)

4.         A garden.  Ok, it could just be a small pot with some pansies or a massive vegetable garden, but grow something.  Digging in the dirt is calming your nerves and your soul.  And best of all – it’s addictive…I check on all my flowers every morning just to see who has bloomed today and for the past few years, we’ve grown lettuce on our deck – our own economic recession garden…

5.         Camping.  Try going camping for one night and don’t forget the smores fixings!  A camp fire is good for anyone’s soul and if you are a newbie at camping or haven’t been for a very long time – you are guaranteed to create memories that last…Just setting up the tent can afford opportunities to laugh for hours…

6.         Forgive.  Learn to forgive someone this summer – make up with a friend or family member that you feel estranged.  Guess what?  They feel just as crappy about having you missing from their life as you feel having them out of yours.  So send a funny card, make a phone call or even send an email – almost everyone longs to be forgiven and brought whole again.  Make it happen for you and maybe you will now have someone to go camping with…

7.         Summer Music.  I listen to IZ during the summer or any time I want to feel like I am on vacation.  If you haven’t started already, begin listening to “happy” music – anything that makes you feel light inside.  Reggae is always a happy choice.  And my latest favorite, Phoenix – let the dancing begin!

8.         Go skinny-dipping.  Nothing says summertime more then skinny-dipping.  Find a secluded spot and jump in – your body will thank you by feeling completely and joyfully alive.

9.         Pot Lucks.  I love getting together with friends, but can’t afford to throw as many parties as I would like – answer: pot lucks!  Everyone bring something and the party has begun with little financial investment from you.  Best of all – your guests will love it.  Instead of bringing a hostess gift, they can skip the flowers and bring something they like.  Everyone’s happy.

10.     Fall in love.  Falling in love is not just reserved for singles, I have been married more than ten years and joyfully I fall in love with my husband over and over…Maybe as we have a picnic or lay in the hammock entwined and reading, or as we dig our toes in the sand or even, when we forgive each other our imperfections and enjoy the beautiful life we have created together…

May these tips spark your own heart and help you to create a wonderful summer ahead.  Enjoy!