WTF kind of question is that, right?  There is no allusive “normal.”  Each marriage has it’s own unique rules and unspoken boundaries of behavior.  The real questions to be answered; are you happy?  Is your marriage working?  What can you do to make it better today?

 It’s time to stop looking over the fence at someone else’s life with envy – sure the grass may look greener over there, but it could be just a trick of lighting or it could be that over the fence, they have been working at it…Happy marriages don’t occur like magic – time, compromise, forgiveness and commitment create the foundation for a lasting, fulfilling marriage.  It’s complicated.

 Each person enters a marriage with flaws – that’s everyone, there are no perfect people.  True love and intimacy is not created from a string of good times linked together.  No, real intimacy/love is discovered when you see not only your own faults, but your partner’s too and it’s still ok.  Can you love yourself and your partner flaws and all? 

This isn’t easy. 

 Some flaws are ‘deal-breakers’ – violence, abuse, etc…but in most cases people are being human – fools one day, and saints the next.  Whatever your biggest issue is with your partner, it’s actually about you not them.  When you look at the issue again – what truth reflects back?  What’s your stuff?

 For example an old fight my husband and I had for several years of was about time – he always ran late.  I can’t tell you how many arguments we had about this and ultimately I discovered the final solution – I had to let go of time.  What???  How can this be??  He’s late.

 Well first, let’s begin with reality – he ran usually about half hour late, getting home around 6 – 6:15 pm.  I thought he should be home at 5:30 pm, he agreed in word but not deed.  Hence each day had a built in argument as I would watch the clock for tardiness every afternoon.  I could feel the anxiety begin rising about 4 pm and it would spiral up with varied unhappy outcomes.

 Then I got a clue – a friend challenged my version of reality – where did I get this magic time to be home by?  Ummm, well that’s what a happy family looks like, right?  Supper on the table by 6 pm, tubby time, story books and bed.  Her response – who do you know that really looks like this?  Ummm, nobody. 

 Her response – sounds like you have to change the picture to make it work.  Thunderbolt – I was holding onto an ‘idea’ of what it looks like to be a happy family, because my own childhood was so chaotic.  It was a picture I create from a wounded place.

 I had to let go of my imagined magic time for his arrival and decided to call a friend at 5pm instead of getting angry, again.  I began distracting myself from the time each day.  When my husband sailed in around 6pm, I was fine, no arguments, easy.

 Here’s the funny thing, my husband started coming home earlier and he became annoyed that I would be chatting on the phone instead of waiting for him…He was used to fighting every day about something, so if I didn’t start it, he would.  Deep breathing all around and some clear communication helped us get out of this dynamic. 

 Of course the issue of time still comes up, but now I see it for what it is – control.  If I control time, I control life – in reality, not so much. 

 But really, let’s get back to you – Are you Happy with your partner?  What are you struggling with in your marriage/relationship and do you need to change your picture?

Trust.  The word “trust” sits on my desk in a small, silver frame.  I see it over and over all day long, reminding me, “trust.”  Sometimes I still struggle with trust – hence the reminder on my desk. 

 Sometimes just looking at the word calms me, but sometimes it frustrates me and I begin spinning.  Spinning because I feel like something is “not enough.”  Not enough money, not enough love, not enough truth, whatever – it remains “not enough.”  Being an action-oriented person, I act.  I can’t stay still as this “not enough” feeling is like drowning to me.  It’s been a very long time, but I’ve notice recently, I’ve begun spinning again.

 I’ve come up close to this “drowning” feeling again and this time, I’ve stayed with it.  I discovered this drowning feeling is really sadness.  Sadness that makes me feel.  Yes, feel.  When I am spinning and “acting out” – I fool myself with the illusion of being in control.  I don’t have feel when I am moving, however, when I eventually stop as we all must, I feel even worse. 

 The avoiding of the sadness magnifies the emotions more painfully.  The disappointments are more crushing.  The resentments are bigger and the unresolved issues grow…But this time – I have felt the sadness.  Maybe not at first, but sooner, and instead of running the other way, I’ve stayed with the sadness to discover more about myself and how not to be in this same place again. 

 Life is full of opportunities and not all of them come with a “smiley face.”  Sometimes it is in the disappointments the greatest clarity is found.  You see who you are and what you believe.  And if you can stop “spinning” – you discover “trust.” 

 Trust in something bigger then you.  Trust that unseen forces support you, even if it may not appear so at first glance.  Trust that your highest self is stretching to reveal itself again and again.  Trust, I bid you, Trust.