“Gentle” doesn’t come easily for me.  I was raised to work hard – achieve.  There isn’t a whole lot of room for ‘soft and gentle’ when you are in competition, even if the person you are competing against is yourself. 

 As I watched the Olympics this week, I was surprised when a ping-pong champion was asked, “Why hasn’t ping-pong taken off in the States?” 

 “Well, Americans don’t like things to be soft.  They want to go outside for there sports.  Hard,” she said.

 I couldn’t agree more.  Maybe it’s because this country began with immigrants trying to make a better life - as they still try today.  Competition is a naturally outcrop of this path.  Or maybe it’s because we have so much already, organized competition has to be hard.  Or maybe it’s because Americans are driven to get their slice of the pie…

 My grandfather came over from Ireland when he was about twenty and he was hungry.  Hungry for food, hungry for money and safety, hungry for love, hungry for a place be.  Unfortunately, he stayed hungry his whole life and passed this hunger, this ‘not enough’ feeling onto his children, my mother.  She too passed this message onto me, and my other siblings through her own words and deeds. 

 And here I am today with a choice, “Do I too pass this hunger onto my children?  Do I continue the cycle of ‘not enough’?”  Of course the answer is easy, no I won’t pass it along…but do I anyway?  Through my own thoughtless deeds and words?  Sometimes horribly, yes.

 So today I am working on - gentle and being soft.  Not to hear words spoken to me through a filter of fear and pain, but through light.  To expect the best from everyone and not to take it personally if another does not want to behave from their highest self.  That is their problem, their journey – my focus is with self.  And with myself - I am gentle and soft.  So be it.

Over the years I’ve “done a lot of work” on my spirituality and emotional well-being.  I have been compelled to live “differently” than my family of origin.  Amusingly, what I discovered is to “live differently” you have to make different choices in essentially the same circumstances that first caused pain…perplexed?  Let me explain…

 Over the years I prided myself (should have been my first clue) in not being competitive - like the rest of the family.  Both my parents were coaches and teachers – intense competitors ultimately ending in an ugly divorce and my brother was a fantastic athletic with a keen desire “to win at all costs.”  So, I turned my back on all things to do with sports and competition – not me.  You wouldn’t catch me screaming at the TV, radio, team member, players because my team didn’t win.  I was better than that…or was I?  I came to discover my competitive streak lay in the covert - I am most competitive with myself and how I “should” be.