There are periods in everyone’s life when things feel as though they are zooming by.  That instead of making life happen with your choices, you are reacting to the events and people around you.  Maybe you are even off-balance and sometimes, not reacting from your best self.  Try these few tricks to get back to present and be your best self again.

1.  Meditate for two - ten minutes,  focus on your breath

2.  Go for a walk or if you haven’t the time, just walk barefooted in the grass or backyard

3.  Pull a card from a divination pack - Angel, Animal, Goddess, Flower, whatever – read it and hear the words inside.

4.  Take a shower or bath

5.  Eat fresh fruit or veggies

6.  Finally, bring the focus completely back to you with these two questions; what am I avoiding by wasting time?  And Why?

Do you find yourself thinking, “If he/she would be more supportive, then I could feel better about us,” or “If I don’t get a raise soon, then I am ruined…”?  “If…then” thinking is a vicious circle that can block our own empowerment, but it can also be an opportunity.

 Last Sunday I noticed this “if/then” concept tripping from my own lips…I wanted my husband to behave or really react to an incident the way I wanted.  If he did this, then I could let go.  What???  Did I really frame my response, my mental/spiritual well-being, on his behavior?  Red lights flashing – what is really going on here?

 Fortunately, the incident in question happened as I was on the way out the door to a sound healing mediation group – so I was able to detach and really see my crippling “if/then” thinking.  Why is it crippling?  Because his behavior/reaction was the barometer of how I would feel.  I was willingly giving and blaming him for my emotional well-being.  The silent dysfunctional pattern of co-dependence…

 Let me go further in saying “if” implies two things – not being present and fear.  The “not being present” speaks to time – you are either worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet or something that has happened in the past, only to repeat again, maybe.  The fear is sticky – appearing a little different for each of us on the outside, but at is core is a longing for love, acceptance…to be enough. 

 I invite you to watch your own language for this “if/then” pattern…I think you will be surprised to discover how this concept sneaks into our thinking only to cause problems.  If you discover this pattern, I encourage you to be gentle with yourself and explore what is really going on… Are you trying to control the situation as to give yourself the illusion of “everything is ok” or safety? 

 Try meditating, journaling or go for a walk by yourself to explore what is really going on within.  Remember, you are half way there - seeing where you are tripping yourself up is half the lesson.  You have the choice to continue tripping in this old pattern or to go within and discover a new response…Here’s to a new day! 

Thanksgiving represents a mixed bag for many of us – the excitement of seeing your relatives and friends along with your anxiety/stress of seeing your friends and relatives…This year, using these easy tips, make a shift in your perspective and enjoy a more peaceful holiday.  May it be so.  

These were the words recently spoken to me by a client.  My response was easy, “What makes you think you haven’t already?”  She looked at me blankly for a bit and I continued…

 Soul mates aren’t just restricted to your lovers.  Friends, relatives, even animals can be soul mates.  I do not believe you have just one soul mate (you do only have one twin flame, but that’s for another day…)  Soul mates are here to help you become your best self. 

 Yes, of course, love is a component of this usually, but not always.  Someone who really drives you nuts could be a soul mate because he/she is challenging a very core issue in you or they wouldn’t drive you crazy.  Soul mates are really a reflection of you – good and bad. 

 Today we have a very romantic concept of soul mates; one person just for us - someone who makes it all better, completes us.  Unfortunately, this thinking limits us and others.  Soul mates don’t complete us – we complete ourselves through loving and struggling with the soul mates that come and go in our lives.

 So look around in your life today – how many soul mates do you have?  And one step further – who or what are these soul mates encouraging me to become?

Everyone, and I do mean everyone, is addicted to something.  It may not seem so on the surface.  Maybe your addiction is deemed acceptable in this society.  (Or at least legal.)  Did you go shopping today?  How many shoes do you have in your closet?  Do you have to be right?  How much caffeine did you have today?  Did you eat that whole bag of chips and not even notice?  Do you starve yourself to be just right?  Do you take pills to sleep?  For aches?  Anxiety?

Addictions come in all shapes and sizes with the same insatiable hunger at the core—seeking relief, comfort, peace.

Many years ago, an astrologer was looking at my birth chart and asked me, “So, what are you addicted to?”  Horrified, I panicked, and replied, “Not me!”  She smiled and told me to calm down.  She explained something about this planet here, basically, there it was in the stars and then she said, “Kelly, this addiction is how you’ve chosen to cope with your grief.  It can be manifested in almost anything.  It takes away the hurt, the anxiety, if only just for a moment.”

There it was, that word—grief.  The disappointments, the “I’m not enoughs,” and I saw my addiction clearly as I tried over and over to block the relentless tide of grief.  The precarious balance I forced myself into over and over when life was really not working, but somehow, by sheer force of will and of course, my fix, I marched on.  I used the same tired tactics and tricks that no longer served me over and over as the void within expanded. Fueling my addiction again and again which each “fix”, hoping to fill that ever-growing emptiness with something, anything.  Hence the term vicious circle.  A place we all know too well.

Does it end?  I don’t think ever.  I think there is always a hunger within each of us to make the hurt go away right now.  Oh sure, we may be granted a period of reprieve but life has a funny way of teaching—we think we have cast out this vice only to have it show up in another form later.

For some reason, we have bought into this concept that we should only be virtuous and pristine casting out all vice and impurity.  Who are these milk toast people?  What would these pious people look like?  Would they all look the same, think the same, most definitely act the same—doing all the right things every moment and I would detest them.

I rack my brain trying to think of one person who could join these “never make a mistake” ranks and nobody comes to mind.  Oh - good people pop in my head and then I think of the mistake, the lesson they learned from not making the “right” choice, going down the wrong path.  Even Jesus initially rejected a mother asking for healing for her child, calling her a “little dog,” as she was not of the “chosen” people, thus not worthy of his good deeds.  He only relented when she beseeched him repeatedly and he finally saw his own folly (Matthew 15:22-28.)  Not the Jesus we like to think of where all are welcome.  He obviously learned something.

It is in these very places of imperfection, the places we fall down, that we can discover our best self.  Our addictions are only outward symptoms of our inner turmoil, our hidden wounds.  What is your addiction?  Does it fill, numb, or adorn you?  How big does it have to get before you look at the stuffed hurts?

Here’s the key, acceptance.  There will always be so-called triggers.  Instead of seeing these triggers as things to be stamped out, I like to think of them as sign posts of the places I still struggle with.  Usually it is the same old crew of “not enoughs” causing problems, and without fail the sooner I acknowledge the hurt, the sooner it gets better.  It’s when I hide from the wounds with addiction that trouble brews and lingers.

I heard this story somewhere about an old shaman answering the question of, are we good or bad?…Within each of us there are two dogs, good and bad.  Always there, forever.  We decide which dog to feed, everyday.

True peace happens by accepting all sides of your personality, the good and the bad, and discovering balance comes with this integration…So, what are you addicted to?

The holidays, that magical time of year, when families get together, break bread and more often than not – drive each other crazy.  Oh, so much fun.  Fortunately, through my own experience and helping clients through these annual traditions, I have discovered the secret to better family holidays: detachment.

Detachment can be done with love and even a sense of humor.  Here are some tips to help you learn how to detach while being true to yourself in any situation.

1. Breathe.  Maybe you become cornered by a family member into an uncomfortable conversation or maybe it is the things left unsaid that get your blood pumping, scattered your thoughts and suddenly you notice your breath becomes shallow or even more rapid.  Stress has entered the picture.  It seems so simple and obvious, but truly this is the first indicator of stress.  Once you notice this shift within yourself, begin concentrating on your breath.  Breathe deeply, letting your breath fill your chest down into your belly.  Repeat until you feel calm return.
2. Let go.  Guess what?  Those annoying habits of your family members are not going away.  The aunt who asks, “when are you going to get married?” or “why don’t you come and see me?”  She is not changing, but your reaction to her can.  Think of a few lines that can stop an uncomfortable line of questioning.  My personal favorite is, “Ummm, that is an interesting idea, I’ll have to think about that,” smile and excuse yourself to help in the kitchen or escape out back.  These unseemly questions really don’t have as much to do with you as they have to do with the person asking the questions.  If you look beneath the question, you will probably discover the pain or the lack that drives the person posing the questions.
3. Trust.  I firmly believe there is a valid reason for everything that happens.  Instead of falling into the old emotional traps of family dynamics, begin to practice the witness.  How to do this?  Watch and listen.  This holiday season try being quieter and not engaging with your two cents over and over.  You will begin to notice the poor behavior of those around you stem from their own wounds, not you.  Once you really see the raw places in those you love, compassion walks through the door.  You begin to see their poor behavior is just a smoke screen to disguise their own pain, and suddenly you notice they don’t bother you as much.  Surprisingly, you begin to feel grateful for your life and you trust yourself more.
4. Minimize.  As much as I wish it were otherwise, sometimes there are family members who are just not pleasant to be around - period.  Maybe they drink too much or are bigoted, whatever.  Do not make yourself be around unhealthy people for the sake of the family.  This may seem impossible, but in reality it is not.  You are an adult now and no longer are you subject to choices of those around you.  If the above three tips are not enough to make the situation work, leave - because you will do or say something you will regret later.

5. Do good things for yourself.  Arrange for some time by yourself to catch your breath and do something you like to do – meditate, make a cup of tea and read a trashy magazine, watch your favorite movie, or go for a walk.  No matter how loving a family can be, it’s stressful.  Holidays bring out a variety of emotions, both good and bad.  So take good care of yourself, and you will notice you will have more patience with the inquisitive relative that wants to know, “Where have you been?”  Ummm, that’s interesting question, I’ll have to think…yeah, you know the rest.

6. Look for the gift.  When you choose a different response to old family patterns, you begin a change.  This positive change may start with you but it will extend outward.  You may discover things don’t bother as much or that you may even laugh inside when those inevitable inappropriate questions come your way.  By not reacting, you change the dynamics within your family and open the door for better relationships.

7. Remember – this too shall pass, so laughing helps.  Find the absurd amusing.  The ridiculous gifts are an opportunity to smile, even if it’s on the inside.  My mother-in-law goes around her house at Christmas time and seemingly picks out the most useless piece of crap, wraps it up and sends it off to me with some slightly insulting note attached.  This is my Christmas gift.  It’s not that she doesn’t have any money, this is her own game.  This used to drive me nuts, but now, I laugh along with all my friends as the gifts approach the absurd.  I will never forget when she sent me a shawl she bought in Ireland years ago but hated, so she thought I would like it.  What?!?  Unfortunately, she cannot recognize she is really hurting herself with this passive aggressive behavior as it has a direct affect on her relationship with my husband.

So as you approach the holidays this year, remember  there are only 24 hours in any day of the year.  Sometimes this is a blessing and sometimes a curse.  I offer you patience and courage.  Patience with yourself and others and courage to be the change you seek.  Breathe.