Using your Natural instincts to empower your Life

 Hopefully you have discovered which one or two instincts drive many of your life choices.  Now the question is how to make it work for you?  Simple answer, detach.  It may seem kind of complicated or cold at first, but it’s easy once you get the hang of it.

 When you discover the drivers of your behavior, you are able to cross into the next level in life transformation – becoming the witness.  For example, say you have a dominate social instinct – guess what?  You automatically know how groups work and you can use it to your advantage as to which careers you follow or simply in any unknown social environment.  If you feel yourself being pulled into an old pattern of trying to please everyone, this can now signal you that something is amiss.  Now you can stop and re-assess what’s really going on by detaching from your pattern and stepping into a witness space to ‘see’ what’s really going on.

 A dominate sexual instinct can be fun because you always know who’s ‘got-it’ and that’s not always who you would expect.  Usually with a strong sexual instinct you are able to feel not only individual energy shifts but situational or environmental shifts.  Being so closely aligned with the physical, helps you identify even the most subtle energy shifts – thus listen to your body.  When you get that icky feeling, it’s time to go, no questions asked.

 A strong self-preservation instinct can help you see solutions and options where others can not.  You are willing to look at all the sides to discern the best path.  Sometimes this can delay or even paralysis your decisions, but it can also lead to the most empowered decision – you aren’t going with your gut, you’re making an informed decision.

 All three instincts can lift you up or cripple you, depending on how you choose to use them.  It’s an opportunity.  An opportunity to live your most empowered life, if you choose. 

I was thinking this as we got out of the car in front of the San Jose airport in Costa Rica.  We were flying home.  The driver was paid and tipped.  I would never convert this money back into US dollars as it would be a too much of a hassle for less then $10.  I knew when I got home I would stuff my few colones in a drawer, only to discover it again a few years from now…almost useless to anyone.

 Then I saw him.  An old man sitting in his wheel chair, missing parts of both legs clutching his begging jar with the words crudely written, God Bless.  I felt elated as I walked over to him. Looking him squarely in the eyes and whispering, God Bless, I handed him the money.

 Absolute joy broke across his face, because here, $5000 colones is a lot of money.  What I could easily stuff in a drawer thoughtlessly can make his life easier, if just today.  Whenever I see a beggar I think of God and I want to share.

 I didn’t always believe this as I used to think beggars to be losers really.  If they wanted get off the streets they could was my thinking.  I wasn’t going to support their bad habits and drinking to say the least.  I then saw the movie Conversations With God and my entire belief was altered.  I realized how easily any of us could fall into this place with a few poor choices or even no choices, just a health crisis.

 I started looking at the homeless not as strangers but like me.  Haven’t I been like them?  Wouldn’t I go buy a bottle to comfort me if all was seemingly lost?  Haven’t I struggled for years with enough too? 

 This is when I decided to give – to show the world, including myself, I am a person who gives to the homeless for no other reason than gratitude.  I am grateful for these opportunities to share – out loud, without judgment.  Frankly I am joyful because I know I am saying to the world, “I live in the hand of God, all my wants will be met. Here is my open hand – outstretched for you, let me help you…”

 When the homeless man at the airport took the money from my hand, we looked deeply into each others eyes and before he could say anything, I said thank you.  He smiled, nodded his head and thanked me too.  It was I who felt blessed. 

 I felt like I had slipped into an old bible story with the stranger knocking at the door, begging for help, and I answered the door, warmly, knowing I have much to share easily and effortlessly… 

“Friendship is a privilege, not a right.”  A friend of mine said this to me one night as we were painting our nails, watching trashy Melrose Place and gabbing about boys.  She doesn’t remember even saying it.  We were discussing something about mean girls in college and friendship…The details don’t matter though, it’s the words.

 Friendship is a privilege, not a right.  You don’t have to be friends with everybody, simple – right?  Drop the mean ones and real friends don’t do bad things anyway?  Really?  Friends don’t make mistakes?  You don’t make mistakes?

 About eight plus years ago this same friend of mine kind of lost it.  She had gotten married and well, things just weren’t working out the way she had envisioned.  She was lonely and one day I received a scathing email about not being there for her, her new baby and supporting her new life.

 I was shocked.  She was absolutely right, I had not been there for her, that much was true.  For I was in my own hell – my 15 month old son was struggling with constant seizures and a multitude of other health issues.  I wasn’t sleeping.  I was trying to find answers to these unknown seizures any where.  Doctors appointments, diets, remedies - we were in the midst of a very real health crisis…Frankly I had every right to send the hate right back to my so-called friend, but gratefully, somehow, I could see through the words to the real message – I miss you and I’m scared.

 Instead of getting mad and screaming at her, I told her what was going on in my own life.  Then I said I missed her and loved her too, but I couldn’t have a friend treating me this way.  I reminded her of her words and she found sanity again.  She was aghast at herself, apologizing and most importantly, we became closer.

 I have never held this against her because it allowed me the opportunity to be truthful, kindly and find resolution peacefully – things can work out.  This incident helped me transcend into a better me.   Oddly I never took any of it personally (how could I honestly say I have never pulled something like this before with someone else?)  I let any negative feeling go easily and effortlessly, only keeping the gratefully lessons. Conflict does not have to lead to destruction, it can lead to a better way…

 Conflict is a part of life.  With yourself, with your friends, with your family…How you react to conflict is often dependant on your prior experience with conflict.  You could have been taught conflict is best to avoid at any cost or even that conflict is exciting. 

 Instead of allowing conflict to be what it used to be or the end-all, I invite you to see it for what it could be, a new beginning…So be it.

5.  What is stopping you from living the life you have always dreamed of?  Money issues?  Spouse?  Relationships?  Family?  Responsibilities?  Could it be a fear of failure?  What if it doesn’t work? 

 This is the hinge point in transformation – can you transcend your fear of what if?  I bid you, courage – walk through your own unique fire and see what’s on the other side.  Use your own tools to support you – humor, intuition, friendships and a focused eye on what you do want.  Take a chance on you, you are worth it and after all, what if it’s fantastic on the other side, just waiting for you to take a chance????

4.  Are you trying to keep it the same?  Why?  Does the cost seem too great to make a change?  Does it seem impossible?  Are you afraid of hurting someone else if you do shift? 

 Whether you like it or not, this is your life.  Right here, right now.  When you place the needs of others always before your own, guess what?  You are always last on the list - your list and everyone else’s too.  You are teaching yourself and all around you that you come last. 

 Of course, there are times when it is appropriate to place the needs of others in front of your own, but you would be surprised by how few and far between this is in normal every day life.  People are not infants forever and illness, well, this is tricky, but I assure you, you just you, whether a caregiver or a patient, need to put your own needs at the top of your own list.  We all serve best from a place of fullness, not lack…

 How about if when you place the needs of others in front of your own – this does not inherently mean you are last?  Maybe move yourself down to second of third?  Do you run into any hang-ups or negative thoughts?  Around deserving, enough or possibly love?  Well now, you are getting to the foundation of the problem – what do you want and what if you deserved it?  What is stopping you? 

3.  Notice the word my in the above question, my truth.  It’s no doubt you are relaying the facts as you experience them, but are you feeling them?  Are you really listening to that internal voice that is naggingly right?  Are you going along to get along instead of voicing your own needs?

 Sometimes in life we find ourselves in unexpected places.  It didn’t just happen, there were many choices and compromises made along the way that lead to this less-than place, and even though you may not have intended it, you are here.  

 Instead of blaming or getting angry that someone else isn’t showing up the way you would like, ask yourself, what do I want?  I’m betting you don’t have an easy answer to that, but you can probably tell me what you don’t want.  Your focus needs to shift from what you don’t want (this thinking only attracts what you don’t want – where your thoughts focus, things expand…) to what you do want.  Begin making a list or dreaming about what you do want. 

 More importantly begin taking responsibility for your own dreams coming true.  Yes, those around you can support and love you, but you and you alone are the writer of your own life.  Players come and go, but you continue to create your life every day. 

2.  Ok, you’ve identified you are in a pattern, now it’s time to look at your part – what are you doing the same?  Stop with the reasons why you are doing it the same and just focus on your part.  There is no one person to blame. 

 For a pattern to be established everyone has to go along with their part over and over again – especially if it’s a negative pattern.  The reason you are always broke isn’t because the universe is out to get you, it’s because not only do you make the same poor money decisions over and over, but you also believe yourself to be someone who is always broke.  The universe is just showing up how you believe it to be.  (Tip: Got to change your belief…)    

 As I have previously said, it does not do you any good to berate yourself for not getting it yet – you will.  To change anything it takes practice and time.  You have to intentionally respond differently to the same problems. This takes energy and a commitment to being present – you are not going to respond how you always have.

 It won’t feel normal at first to respond differently and that’s ok.  Some people around you may not like you changing the pattern and that’s ok too.  When you are ready, you will make a change.  For the alternative - staying in this less-than place – becomes more and more unacceptable as the days pass… 

Dance – Flip on the tunes, grab your microphone (aka favorite hairbrush) and shake-it!  Nothing and I do mean nothing can change your mood for the better faster than getting up and moving around to a grinding beat. 

 Play – a card game, Wii, draw, cook, create anything…Stop looking at the to-do list and begin having more fun.  How did life get so serious anyway?  Too much thinking, not enough playing.

 Dream – a vacation, a new job, a new beginning…Before dreams become reality, first the dreaming…Do some research online, journal, watch travel DVDs and begin talking to new people.  Expand your horizons, be open – who knows where your dreams will carry you…

 Set an Intention – What is one shift you could make today for the better?

 Forgive – does a name pop in when you see the word forgive?  Is it you?  Forgive yourself.  Remember you’re learning, growing into a better you.  Mistakes are to be expected (opportunities…)  When you really forgive yourself, others can be forgiven too and peace becomes possible again.  (Create forgiveness with meditation.)

 Be grateful – for the air you breathe, the food you eat, the warm bed you slip into each day…be grateful.

 Today is a good day to…be.  Who do you want to be?

These are a few of my favorite things in 2009… 

Williams-Sonoma Mini Croissants – Next Thanksgiving, Christmas or Easter morning, make life oh so much easier with these yummy treats.  The regular size is too big, go with the minis.  It may seem a bit pricey until you eat them – then you’ll be looking for excuses to have these in the freezer all year long.  The croissants can be made individually, it’s just the ‘sitting out overnight’ that requires just a little touch of forethought…

 Large Bar Soap – Maybe you are scratching your head, but hear me out…Instead of saving the pretty soap for guests – use it yourself.  Try a lavender or linden scent.  What you will discover is it feels special, luxurious to use nice soap.  A touch of the spa every morning, hence you feel special all day long…

 Francesca’s Collections – A girlfriend and I discovered this store (online) shopping awhile ago.  It is best described as like Anthropologie minus the massive price tag.  The clothes are hip and artsy.  They get shipments in three times a week and there are ridiculous sales aplenty.

 Costa Rica – When I first saw pictures of Costa Rica, I immediately thought of Hawaii (without the long plane ride and high costs…)  Hummingbirds, butterflies and dragon flies abound in this lush paradise.  The people are great, the food/water is clean, there is no violence to speak of and it is unbelievably affordable.  The ocean is warm and the sun is hot.  Perfecto – going back in March…

Blind Pilot: 3 Rounds and a Sound – This CD is a playful mix of quirky, vulnerable lyrics with unexpected pacing and instrument choice (horns, banjo, xylophone – what???…)  The boys of Blind Pilot are storytellers – twisting words and meanings, such as in “One Red Thread.”  It is haunting, hypnotic and sexy all at the same moment as the narrator reflects on early selfish love…Or in “Two Towns From Me” with it’s dreamy, sing-along quality…Or the toe-tapping rhythm of “The Story I Heard” melded with pleading, longing words…Love this CD.  Sounds like: The Thorns.

Capri Blue Aloha Orchid Candles – Slip into heaven and light this candle.  It truly makes any space smell like fresh flowers and the islands – add gentle music and an umbrella drink, you are on vacation…

VRBO.COM – I have had fantastic luck renting homes internationally and in the states through this site.   The prices are great and you can let your own tastes/desires be your guide.  A word of caution – chat with the owners before picking a place, you’ll be surprised how much of a difference this can make later if you run into any issues…

That Old Cape Magic by Richard Busso – Surprisingly this is the book that stayed with me all year.  It’s about a married couple and how things can all change in an afternoon…The characters are complicated and hilarious.  The pre-wedding supper is without question – priceless.  Russo perfectly illustrates how perception, memory and reality don’t always add up…

Homemade Jams – This year I’ve become a bit obsessed making jams. from blueberry to cranberry to raspberry and lots of berries in between…It’s all good.  I never knew how easy jam was to make and what a perfect gift for sharing…Downside: once you go homemade, there’s no going back to stores (expensive habit depending on the time of year!)

Wii – Everybody has fun and the kids play for hours and hours – leaping, twirling in the air.  I never laughed so hard getting beat by a seven year old!

Mad Men – Sure it’s slow and slightly depressing, but the characters are awesome.  Strangely, it sometimes feels like I’m witnessing what my own family used to whispers about  years ago – illegitimate kids (couple uncles passed off as cousins), affairs (everywhere), alcoholism (everywhere)…I swear I feel like I am finally coming to understand my own past better as the stories of my grandparents/aunts/uncles come alive watching this show.  I knew they drank/smoked a lot, but I didn’t know how normal it was back then…And finally the mean things my relatives did to each other long ago make sense.  Geez, they were all drunk in fantastic clothes playing hard…

Mad Men often illuminates the masks we all wear every day to make our own separate peace with the decisions we make each day…

Sprungli Chocolate – Let these miniature truffles in the flavors hazelnut, plain, champagne, cappuccino and bourbon vanilla (contains alcohol) melt in your mouth.  These chocolates are unbelievably tasty – so worth the long distance order…I finally understood what all the fuss was about Swiss Chocolate when I tasted these – Yum!

What became one of your favorites this year????

If you are struggling with where you are in your life right now – I invite you to examine your inner dialog.  What are you thinking about?  Are you worrying?  Are you what-if-ing your days away?  Are you flexible? 

 Maybe you’ve tried manifesting exercises before with what you thought was little success, but guess what?  I’m betting it worked – just not the way you wanted it too. 

 Manifesting isn’t about doing certain exercises or meditations (although they can help!) it’s about your inner dialog.  Are you lifting yourself up or pushing yourself down?  Worry attracts more things to worry about.  Positive thinking leads to possibilities.  Thoughts really do expand.

 Again I invite you to look at your own inner dialog – are you berating yourself for things left undone?  Are you patient?  Do you give yourself a break or are you a relentless perfectionist?  Are you complaining your life away?  Is it someone else’s fault?  Regrets?  Are you calling yourself names?  Do you feel good about life?

 Guess what?  It starts with you.  Somehow, someway you have to make a shift.  What is one thing you can do today to improve your inner dialog?

 Suggestions: 1.       Cues -  place words or pictures around your home and workspace to remind yourself of peace, trust, love…

2.       When you discover yourself complaining – shift your language without yelling at yourself, “Why can’t I do better?”

3.       Journal.

4.       Guided meditation – try I Meet Success or my free download, My Best Self.

5.       Laugh more – it’s a lot easier to be flexible when you are happy.  Connect to friends, watch silly movies (Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe), read funny books (anything by David Sedaris) or simply, play.  What did you like to do as a kid and can you do that now?  

 Real change is not waving a magic wand or overnight decisions.  Real change is many, many steps.  It is not sexy or exciting – it’s breaking a habit.  Sometimes one of our bad habits is negative thinking.  It takes time to shift your language just because it takes time for a new language to integrate into your thoughts.  How many years have you been thinking in a certain way and now you would like a new way? 

 Relax, have patience with yourself – you are on you way…