“You learn to bear it.Yes, some things you just learn to bear,” were the words spoken to me the other day with a tight smile and condescending eyes.I was shocked – you learn to bear it?Are you kidding me?And then again she repeated this philosophy, “Someone of my advanced years has had more experiences and learned that some pains are learned to be lived with, to walk with.”
Again, I was speechless.Was this woman serious?Could she possibly be trying to tell me that her life pains/traumas were more painful then mine and one day I too would gain entry into this elite group that walks with pain?The most difficult part of the interaction for me is – she was serious.Her pains, her life experience were so hard – she proved it, she beared it everyday, proudly even.I shut my mouth, not questioning any longer, but spinning.
Yes, I was triggered – “Hello, Miss Victim, lovely to see you again.I didn’t expect to see you here.My, my, the social circles that you run in!”Breathe Kelly, breathe.There, sitting in that small circle, I saw pain.I saw several people sitting with their pain – trying to make an uneasy peace with it somehow and I wanted to run.I have never been a big fan of suffering, or even giving too much attention to it really.
In my early twenties, I was in a bad car accident that left me in chronic pain for almost three years.It was not good.I dropped too much weight, couldn’t eat because the medicines had damaged the lining of my stomach, it was a bit pathetic, but I kept walking through – searching for cures and trying to laugh.
One of my dearest friends worked with me in the same company.We worked in different departments and he would call me every morning singing Karen Carpenter songs.Totally not PC (and I definitely do not mean to offend anyone with this joke/statement except the chronic pain that I was clutched by), but I would laugh uncontrollably every morning by the circumstances of my life.I was a pin.I felt like crap all the time.I was taking 20 -25 pills a day.My life had become about when to take my next pill.I finally understood suicide.I understood it was about survival, not death.
Ultimately, I found my way back.Through alternative medicines, I found cures and answers.What I also discovered was these physical signs (i.e. bulging disks, chronic pain) of my accident were the outwards symptoms of my inward pain.Let me explain…My childhood was violent, full of addiction and I tried to disappear there – blend with the wallpaper as to not draw attention or wrath.Here this was happening again in my twenties…My car had been hit from behind, totaled, I was now addicted to the painkillers and sleeping pills prescribed for me as “the cure” and I was doing my best to disappear – not eating, getting skinnier and skinnier every day.So, I ask you – is this where I bear it?Are you kidding me?No, this is where I found surrender and peace.The bearing it was killing me.
I came to the belief that there is a valid reason for everything that happens.I came to view life as connection - not events that happened to me.I came to believe I was not alone.I discovered the divine in all things.Life now appeared to me as a continuum, without known destination.I discovered no one is lost to me, but will return again and again in different masks.And most of all I discovered, I could lay my burdens down and I found a true relationship with God.
“Bearing it” has only disempowered my life, myself and most of all my relationship with God.I have come to accept that today, I can only see in part, all will be revealed in time.And when my fears, my anxieties, even my own victim self reveal their presence still - I smile, start singing a Karen Carpenter song in my head and think, what do I need to lay down?
Being successful is no far off place. It is probably closer then you think, but, at this vantage point in your life it may feel a million miles away. Ask yourself, do you have the mindset to see the opportunities to your best life? Being successful is not about always making the “right” move every time, but about maximizing all your moves.
Once you’ve lived past thirty, you can finally get a little perspective on your life. If you really look at your life, there is a pattern. Even the mistakes, the “wrong” choices, taught you lessons. You may not have enjoyed the process, but you can see the benefits in the chaos – the so called “silver lining.”
Sometimes delay is a good thing. During delays you often acquire more knowledge and experience, laying a foundation for your future success. However, it is during these delays that I believe people can veer off the path by becoming frustrated in the process.
Whether it’s losing faith in your product, yourself or the old “not enough time”, here are some suggestions that have helped my clients to remain on the path to success and may they support you…
Believe in yourself and your product. This is where it all begins – you. How is your self-esteem or self-confidence? If you don’t think well of yourself, no one else will, plain and simple. Which of course, will transfer to your product and you will miss opportunities. So how you feel about yourself matters and directly impacts your success. If this is an issue for you, try saying to yourself five different times a day, “I believe in myself. Success enters my life easily and effortlessly from all around me.” It may feel awkward at first, but soon you will notice a calming effect.
You deserve success. How did that feel when you read this? Any twinges? If so, this is also an area to examine. Not only do you need to believe in yourself, but you have to feel worthy of success too – back to you again. You may try adding, “I deserve and accept a beautiful life,” to your daily mantra above to help support a new, deserving belief in your life.
Have a plan. It’s all well and good to believe that you deserve success, but what does that mean? What would success look like to you and what are the steps to get there? This is a big hurdle for many because it requires putting your words into action. Just as your thoughts and intensions call new opportunities to you, you must be willing to act upon their arrival. For example, maybe you want a new job making more money. There are steps between today and a new job. Do you know what these are? Do you need more education? Have you looked in the paper or online? Think about what success is to you and then write it out. Include the steps to achieve the success you desire. Then each day, do one thing to move you in that direction – read an article, make a phone call, research, whatever, at least one a day. You will notice your life shifting, easily and effortlessly almost, into a new, more successful direction.
Be flexible. This may seem a little confusing at first, but it kind of goes to the old saying, “Once you make plans, life happens.” This is very true fortunately, so stay open. Let me explain. Once you shift your belief system to a successful mindset – you attract success. Things that were blocked before come flying into your life. This, in turn, disrupts your “plans” – well, maybe not. Sometimes, you discover your plans were too small and life has something better in store for you…So stay flexible, be ready to expand into the fullness of life as it unfolds.
Use your fears to balance yourself. Whenever you get really close to success, fear walks in the door, almost its final hurrah. Fear hides as doubts, anxiety, sleeplessness, certain people, the list goes on and on…but I now see fear as an opportunity. Fear to me is an indicator of imbalance which means I need support. Sometimes I can give this to myself through meditation and prayer, but sometimes it means I need to reach out to my husband, friend or a mentor for encouragement and reassurance. Find a support system for yourself as you transition to this new life.
Finally, remember patience and courage — the patience to allow yourself the opportunity to transform your life to its fullest potential and the courage to walk and stumble through that transformation.
Years ago a friend whispered, “Courage,” in my ear during a pivotal time in my life. I can still remember the strength hearing that word vibrated through my body. Courage, not condescending, “It’ll be ok. Don’t worry,” but strong and faithful courage. It actually helped me to be a little more patient too. So I offer you courage, as you discover your path to a successful, abundant life.
