WTF kind of question is that, right?  There is no allusive “normal.”  Each marriage has it’s own unique rules and unspoken boundaries of behavior.  The real questions to be answered; are you happy?  Is your marriage working?  What can you do to make it better today?

 It’s time to stop looking over the fence at someone else’s life with envy – sure the grass may look greener over there, but it could be just a trick of lighting or it could be that over the fence, they have been working at it…Happy marriages don’t occur like magic – time, compromise, forgiveness and commitment create the foundation for a lasting, fulfilling marriage.  It’s complicated.

 Each person enters a marriage with flaws – that’s everyone, there are no perfect people.  True love and intimacy is not created from a string of good times linked together.  No, real intimacy/love is discovered when you see not only your own faults, but your partner’s too and it’s still ok.  Can you love yourself and your partner flaws and all? 

This isn’t easy. 

 Some flaws are ‘deal-breakers’ – violence, abuse, etc…but in most cases people are being human – fools one day, and saints the next.  Whatever your biggest issue is with your partner, it’s actually about you not them.  When you look at the issue again – what truth reflects back?  What’s your stuff?

 For example an old fight my husband and I had for several years of was about time – he always ran late.  I can’t tell you how many arguments we had about this and ultimately I discovered the final solution – I had to let go of time.  What???  How can this be??  He’s late.

 Well first, let’s begin with reality – he ran usually about half hour late, getting home around 6 – 6:15 pm.  I thought he should be home at 5:30 pm, he agreed in word but not deed.  Hence each day had a built in argument as I would watch the clock for tardiness every afternoon.  I could feel the anxiety begin rising about 4 pm and it would spiral up with varied unhappy outcomes.

 Then I got a clue – a friend challenged my version of reality – where did I get this magic time to be home by?  Ummm, well that’s what a happy family looks like, right?  Supper on the table by 6 pm, tubby time, story books and bed.  Her response – who do you know that really looks like this?  Ummm, nobody. 

 Her response – sounds like you have to change the picture to make it work.  Thunderbolt – I was holding onto an ‘idea’ of what it looks like to be a happy family, because my own childhood was so chaotic.  It was a picture I create from a wounded place.

 I had to let go of my imagined magic time for his arrival and decided to call a friend at 5pm instead of getting angry, again.  I began distracting myself from the time each day.  When my husband sailed in around 6pm, I was fine, no arguments, easy.

 Here’s the funny thing, my husband started coming home earlier and he became annoyed that I would be chatting on the phone instead of waiting for him…He was used to fighting every day about something, so if I didn’t start it, he would.  Deep breathing all around and some clear communication helped us get out of this dynamic. 

 Of course the issue of time still comes up, but now I see it for what it is – control.  If I control time, I control life – in reality, not so much. 

 But really, let’s get back to you – Are you Happy with your partner?  What are you struggling with in your marriage/relationship and do you need to change your picture?

You know this club, the life is so-bad club.  You can recognize the members because they are always talking about how hard things are.  They never have enough time because of all the things they are doing for their kids, spouse, boss, family, friends…But they do have enough time to tell you how difficult things are, yet no solutions fall from their lips, just complaining words…

 Unfortunately each of us finds our way into this club at some time.  We don’t usually intend to be a part of this club, but somehow the dynamics of a group or a single friendship will deteriorate into this place.  What begins as voicing a concern, becomes a negative focus.  Maybe the group begins whining about work or a friend complains about a sagging relationship, but it doesn’t stop there with letting off steam, it becomes relentless.  It’s all you discuss – how bad this is…

 When you discover yourself in this group – stop.  Don’t blame anyone else, you got yourself here, now how to get out?  Expand.

 The reason you are in this negative dynamic now is because you feel power-less and you are stuck in a bad habit of thinking.  For now, try to distance yourself from this group or friendship and make some space for yourself.  What are you afraid of?  Are there solutions that you haven’t considered?  Do you need a change?

 When you discover yourself in the so-bad club, it’s time to detach.  Do you really want to complain your life away?  I think not, but this is a sign you need support to make a shift.  Maybe try reaching out to a trusted friend or even someone like me, a life coach and begin setting goals to create the life you deserve.  Happiness is no far off shore, it’s just waiting for you to step into… 

Years ago I read or someone said to me – happiness is a by-product of a fulfilled life.  Of course I could see the truth of this statement at the time, but what I did not anticipate, over the course of living, is how much the definition of a fulfilled life would change…

 Let’s be clear we all strived to have a fulfilling life in the beginning, but what exactly does that mean?  It seems just when our lives are full with spouses, kids, work, money, debt, exercise, food…these very full lives aren’t so happy.  There is no time, too much to do, too full.  Aren’t you happy?  Can’t you feel the happy by-product of all this fullness???  No? 

 Sometime I believe we get lost a little – we think fullness is a result of doing.  The more we do, the happier we will be.  Unfortunately instead of happiness, all this doing leads to exhaustion and dissatisfaction with life.  It leads to simmering anger and resentment – after all, I’m doing this for you! 

I encourage you to look at your life at this moment – are you doing too much all to be happy?  To make someone else happy? 

 Happiness is a by-product of a fulfilled life.  However a fulfilled life is defined through balance, gratitude, love, humor and expansion.  But here’s the deal, there are times in your life where the interior of your life has to be big because the exterior of your life is limited.

 What pops to mind are the months I spent sitting on the couch breastfeeding and watching trashy TV.  It was a boring period in our lives, just ask my husband, lots of DVDs, but I was happy.  A bit mind numbed certainly, but happy.  I surrendered; I shifted my imagined full life to fit where I was right then.  I stopped trying to put/fit everything/everyone in and I surrendered to that moment.  I was fulfilled, I was enough.

 I would love to say I have always found this balance wherever life found me, but alas not, feet of clay here.  I sometimes get caught back up in enough – having enough, being enough, doing enough…until I am angry and frustrated – with God, life, myself, my husband, family, work, the store clerk….But this is where I make the turn.  My anger tips me off that I need to make a shift, a shift to re-evaluate and find my footing again – the quicker, the better. 

 For I know happiness is a by-product of a fulfilled life and that changes all the time.    

Recently I’ve been discussing in podcasts and blogs about the energy of Spring.  I discussed the Eastern idea that Spring is the season of liver which is directly associated to anger and it’s repression.  So through this lens, these random acts of violence (4 police officers killed in Ca last week, 13 killed yesterday and another 3 officers killed this morning) are only random to the victims.  The perpetrators were vulnerable to snapping already, just something was that final straw…  

 So, invite you to be a little softer with yourself and all those who you come into contact with.  Maybe you are feeling the excitement of new opportunities on the horizon as well as the stress of what changes these opportunities mean in your life. 

 If you are feeling a bit edgy or angry yourself, try one of these quick fixes: take a salt water bath, sit in the sun, go for a walk, eat a piece of fruit, meditate…but if you need something more, try acupuncture, or talk to someone such as a therapist or life coach. 

 Sometimes just being reminded about the qualities of the Spring’s energy, both good and bad, helps you to regain balance and take better care of yourself.