Watching your loved ones suffer is hard.  Harder still is not trying to ‘fix’ the problem or the person yourself.

 It is almost impossible for me to hold my tongue when I see my loved ones struggling.  Most of the time I am able to withhold my advice by the simple truth, I am not really doing any of them any favors when I interfere.  Sure, it feels good to me to offer my so called wise council, but am I really helping?  Or am I denying them their own empowerment by wanting them to do it my way?

 I may think I am saving them from making the wrong choice, but don’t we all know it’s in those mistakes that the greatest lessons can be discovered?  Within the lesson, transformational moments happen – ultimately unlocking each person’s own separate peace. 

 When I step in, I deny my loved ones this opportunity.  I learned awhile ago that when you really love someone you allow them their failures.  There is room for mistakes and you continue to love them.  You may not excuse or accept all the behaviors, but with healthy boundaries, you can still love them as they stumble through the quagmire to a new day. 

 Hence instead of offering unsolicited advice, I encourage you to tell your loved ones you belief in them.  Maybe you do need to connect them to outside support.  Do, and then step back.  Return your focus to what you can fix, you. 

 You will discover much of your pointing at another’s problems is really masking your own real hurts that need healing.  This is your work.

 Later this week I will discuss healthy boundaries and family.  Please email me any specific questions that I can include in the discussion.

…Liking yourself.  When you like yourself, you accept yourself.  As life twists and turns, you respond with humor and compassion.  You allow yourself mistakes without judgment, as you know that nobody, including you is perfect. 

 When you like yourself, you aren’t threatened by another’s success.  You know there is enough for all and you are grateful.

 And best of all, when you like yourself, it shows.  There’s a certain glow of self-worth that radiates from those who like themselves.  It is attractive and you’ll notice, those who like themselves seem to have people around that like them too…

 How about you, do you like yourself?  Can you laugh with yourself, instead of at yourself?  Have you discovered the secret to happiness?

Using your Natural instincts to empower your Life

 Hopefully you have discovered which one or two instincts drive many of your life choices.  Now the question is how to make it work for you?  Simple answer, detach.  It may seem kind of complicated or cold at first, but it’s easy once you get the hang of it.

 When you discover the drivers of your behavior, you are able to cross into the next level in life transformation – becoming the witness.  For example, say you have a dominate social instinct – guess what?  You automatically know how groups work and you can use it to your advantage as to which careers you follow or simply in any unknown social environment.  If you feel yourself being pulled into an old pattern of trying to please everyone, this can now signal you that something is amiss.  Now you can stop and re-assess what’s really going on by detaching from your pattern and stepping into a witness space to ‘see’ what’s really going on.

 A dominate sexual instinct can be fun because you always know who’s ‘got-it’ and that’s not always who you would expect.  Usually with a strong sexual instinct you are able to feel not only individual energy shifts but situational or environmental shifts.  Being so closely aligned with the physical, helps you identify even the most subtle energy shifts – thus listen to your body.  When you get that icky feeling, it’s time to go, no questions asked.

 A strong self-preservation instinct can help you see solutions and options where others can not.  You are willing to look at all the sides to discern the best path.  Sometimes this can delay or even paralysis your decisions, but it can also lead to the most empowered decision – you aren’t going with your gut, you’re making an informed decision.

 All three instincts can lift you up or cripple you, depending on how you choose to use them.  It’s an opportunity.  An opportunity to live your most empowered life, if you choose. 

For each of us there are unconscious drivers, or instincts that frame all our decisions-making processes.  The instincts can be broken down into three separate groups – sexual, social and self-preservation.  Now remember this is not a conscious choice, just a part of who you are automatically and understanding your own drivers helps you make more empowered decisions.

 Here is how the three instincts work – we use all three.  However one instinct is usually dominate, with another instinct right next to it to reinforce the imbalance.

 For example, my husband’s dominate instinct is social.  When you have dominate social instinct you can walk into any room and know almost automatically who’s who.  You know who has the power, you understand the politics of the group and you know how to get them to like you.  Being liked by the group is very important to you…This instinct can be very helpful in your career if you learn how to use it to your advantage, not to an obsession.

 A dominate sexual instinct does not mean you are sex-crazed (though it could…)  For this individual, when you walk into a room, you know immediately who has the ‘mojo.’  You could care less if the group likes you, it’s just a few that are important to you.  Again this can be very helpful as you feel more empowered in yourself as a person, however too out of balance and you are making poor life choices.

 The final dominate instinct is self-preservation.  This person brings a sweater with them and a snack in their bag, just in case.  This person is prepared.  Sometimes too prepared - fearing the worst case-scenarios around every corner.  Being liked by the group is really only necessary to this person as a way to stay safe.

 Each of us are able to choose from all three instincts to use in a  specific situation, but you tend to go with the same one or two, often leading to imbalance.  As I said before my husband has a very strong social instinct with self-preservation right behind.  As a child he was the peacemaker and his world felt safe if everybody liked him and got along…Unfortunately that’s a lot of work as an adult – everybody liking him to get along…That strategy may have worked as a child, but now it creates problems.

 Myself, I have a dominate sexual instinct with self-preservation right behind.  In my past I have used sex to feel safe in relationships and to feel empowered.  Unfortunately if I operated exclusively from this mindset, I am not allowing myself to be more than sex.  The world is too big and exciting to have to operate from such a narrow vision of self.

 Another friend is dominated by a self-preservation instinct with social instincts directly supporting it.  For her, there is never enough.  Many of her decisions about career and relationships hinge on the question, is this safe?  So much of life passes her by because she is paralyzed by the what if’s and what will they think?

 Take a look at yourself.  What is driving your decisions?  Do you want to feel safe?  Do you use sex as a tool?  Does being liked by the group matter too much?  Email me with any questions that may arise.

 Next time we will discuss how to use your instincts to empower your life instead of hindering it…

Bod Owens lives in a graveyard.  He has lived there since he was just a wee babe and clambered through the fence railings to explore.  What he didn’t realize at the time is that he had narrowly escaped a killer.  The killer who moments before murdered his father, mother, sister and now was looking to finish the deed.

 Bod was lucky, the ghosts intervened and hide him.  In the graveyard, Bod is raised by a different kind of family.   Teachers from Roman days, drowned witches and a host of ghouls to help Bod become a man.  As with any childhood, the adventures abound when you least expect it, especially when you are looking behind headstones!

 Surprisingly this is a kids’ book from one of my favorite authors, Neil Gaiman.  This book is a delight - one I hope Gaiman will continue through writing more on adventures and lessons of Bod’s journey…

I was thinking this as we got out of the car in front of the San Jose airport in Costa Rica.  We were flying home.  The driver was paid and tipped.  I would never convert this money back into US dollars as it would be a too much of a hassle for less then $10.  I knew when I got home I would stuff my few colones in a drawer, only to discover it again a few years from now…almost useless to anyone.

 Then I saw him.  An old man sitting in his wheel chair, missing parts of both legs clutching his begging jar with the words crudely written, God Bless.  I felt elated as I walked over to him. Looking him squarely in the eyes and whispering, God Bless, I handed him the money.

 Absolute joy broke across his face, because here, $5000 colones is a lot of money.  What I could easily stuff in a drawer thoughtlessly can make his life easier, if just today.  Whenever I see a beggar I think of God and I want to share.

 I didn’t always believe this as I used to think beggars to be losers really.  If they wanted get off the streets they could was my thinking.  I wasn’t going to support their bad habits and drinking to say the least.  I then saw the movie Conversations With God and my entire belief was altered.  I realized how easily any of us could fall into this place with a few poor choices or even no choices, just a health crisis.

 I started looking at the homeless not as strangers but like me.  Haven’t I been like them?  Wouldn’t I go buy a bottle to comfort me if all was seemingly lost?  Haven’t I struggled for years with enough too? 

 This is when I decided to give – to show the world, including myself, I am a person who gives to the homeless for no other reason than gratitude.  I am grateful for these opportunities to share – out loud, without judgment.  Frankly I am joyful because I know I am saying to the world, “I live in the hand of God, all my wants will be met. Here is my open hand – outstretched for you, let me help you…”

 When the homeless man at the airport took the money from my hand, we looked deeply into each others eyes and before he could say anything, I said thank you.  He smiled, nodded his head and thanked me too.  It was I who felt blessed. 

 I felt like I had slipped into an old bible story with the stranger knocking at the door, begging for help, and I answered the door, warmly, knowing I have much to share easily and effortlessly… 

3. Do you feel required to help?  It’s your job?  Is there a guilty, emotional tug that drives you to help?  A good question for yourself is – do I have a choice?  If you don’t feel like you have a choice, nine times out of ten you are really rescuing. 

 When you help someone from a healthy place, it’s from a place of fullness not lack.  Your support is not dependent on anything in return, just goodwill.  Your help has healthy boundaries and you are able to see the person also has choices.  The person can say no to your offered help and it’s ok.  You can say no and that’s ok too. 

 If you struggle with saying no, then I encourage you to go deeper.  This isn’t about helping someone else, but about validating how you see yourself.  Rescuing becomes how you identify yourself and your role in relationships.  Ultimately it becomes how you see your worth – to rescue others…Unfortunately this seemingly ‘good’ intention is actually harmful – do you really know what’s best for others?  Are you some all-knowing God here to re-direct your loved ones to the right path?  Maybe making mistakes is how they will learn the lessons they are here to transcend… 

 I like to think of babies learning to walk.  They must fall down, over and over.  They will never, ever learn to walk on their own if someone is always holding them up beneath their arms.  They need to find their own balance amid the falls…We never change.  Our falls look different at 32 and 48, but fall we do…And each of us, no matter what the event, must find our own separate peace…Can you allow another’s peace to look different from your own and be ok with that?

2. Regardless of whether the person asked for help or not, can the person do this for themselves?  Or is your ‘help’ keeping this person in a victim place or dependent on you? 

 Sure, sometimes we all need help.  There are real health crises and other life events that require support from those around us, but is your help actually undermining the success of another?  Does this other person need to do for themselves if only to know they can?  Sometimes our help does more harm then good.

1.  When we rescue, often we just step in without an invitation.  We withhold information from the person to ‘protect’ them or we ‘do’ things for the person to make it easier for them, after all, we’re just helping.  

 Actually, there is a fine line between helping and enabling.  I good way to identify the difference is to ask yourself if you are looking for a pay-off?  Are you looking to control something, someone or even the information?  Are you looking for love?  Are you trying to keep things the same?  Do you want to feel like the special friend/lover who really understands?  If you are looking for any emotional payoff – guess what?  You are in rescue mode.

 As you can see, when you are rescuing someone, it is actually about you and how you want to feel about yourself.  You may convince yourself it is about the other, but that’s a mirage to keep your self-image held up.  If you are rescuing then you can’t be the one messed up, right?

 Rescuing keeps you busy.   Obligations are created to distract and provide excuses as to why your own goals and dreams are delayed if not ultimately left unrealized.  It’s a choice.  It’s a choice to get into your own life and rescue yourself from the same behaviors that keep you in a less-than place.

Are you rescuing someone?  Here are three simple questions to ask yourself before you help…

 1.         Has this person asked you to do this for them? 

2.         Can this person do this for themselves?

3.         Do you want to do it?

 Rescuing others comes as the cost of our own journey.  How can you possibly get to your own best life when you are distracted by where those around you are on their own journeys?  Or is that the point?  Does rescuing others keep you from ‘failing’ at your own life?

 This week in my blog I will be examining these three questions and how they impact you connecting to your most abundant life…So take a few moments over the next day and really look at the relationships in your own life – are you rescuing someone?  Check back tomorrow to explore what may be driving your desire to rescue…