Instead of getting stuck in “Why me?”  Ask yourself, “What for?”  What do you need to learn?  If you are having trouble understanding your responsibility in this situation, ask yourself the following questions.

 1.         Is there a pattern?

2.         What am I doing the same?

3.         Am I telling my truth?

4.         Am I protecting someone’s feelings by keeping it the same? (can be your feelings…)

5.         What am I afraid of?

During the past couple months I have been witness to death.  A dear friend’s mother, small children and friends have died recently.  It has been an amazing lesson in living…

 Now is your time.  Today.  Nothing and I do mean nothing can make you appreciate life more than death.  Peace is to be enjoyed today and it is a choice…

 I have been honored, humbled and moved to receive updates of from a CaringBridge journal.  (CaringBridge.Org is a web site created to help you stay connected with loved ones during a serious health event.)  An old college frat brother of my husband’s is dying of brain cancer.  His wife updates the journal every few days.

 I can not begin to express how profoundly moved I am by her courage and grace as she moves through this transition.  Her beloved, the father of their child, her very best friend is moving onto another shore and she can but watch from the banks…How do you say good-bye?

 She is doing it well – celebrating small successes, humor, abounding love, tears and humbly she measures her days in conversations and words.  I am so grateful to be able to be an intimate witness of this family’s journey – I am better for it.

 Instead of shutting down, this woman’s heart bursts open – she has made to choice to celebrate and savor this moment.  Yes, she has made a choice to get into the boat with her husband.  To hold his hand until he reaches his own new shore…But she can not walk with him on his new beach, she must go back to the life they created together before this strange path unfolded.  She can only see in part right now…

 A couple weeks ago a dear friend’s mom died.  Unfortunately for this family there were many things left broken.  There are eight siblings in the family.  Before meeting the other siblings at the funeral, I only heard stories of the bickering.  In my mind I saw little kids fighting about who loves me best, hence when I saw this motley lot I was shocked to see they were all old people with gray hair.  For many of them, they had made the choice to be angry – forever. 

 Let’s be clear, most of us did not get the childhood we wanted.  There were real disappointments, betrayals, maybe violence and here we are.  I would say 90% of all parents are trying to do there best.  Unfortunately the best someone’s got can be stunning inadequate at times… 

 The wife I spoke of early could have made the choice to be angry – the situation is unfair.  Her husband was well just a year ago and now here they are.  I dare say this wasn’t the ending she wanted – it is cut too short. 

 And she responds with love, savoring the moments, the surprising conversations, thankful for the prayers holding them up and finding comfort in the sure knowledge – today she can only see in part, one day, one day she will see all…

 Information to create your own network of support through the CaringBridge.org. 

Last night, 8ish, I checked my wall on facebook and read the funniest, most truthful statement by one of my friends, “Would it be Christmas without a family fight?”  I chuckled knowingly, I have yet to see it happen. 

 Something pops up every year, some crap happens.  In my family or more often than not, in my husband’s family, somewhere someone does something stupid, often insulting.  Fortunately/unfortunately I being one anchored to the belief that each of us creates our own reality (i.e. valid reason for everything that happens) can not avoiding seeing this every year as well.  The question is not why, but what for?  Hence no matter what the ‘work’ I’ve done, the crap is still happening.  Again I return to the question, what for?  Ultimately, I believe to gain peace.

 What comforts me most during this season, is the sanest people I know can lose it during the holidays.  You don’t have to be Charlie Sheen to screw up the day.  A well placed word or question can have the same impact as a fist.  Hello passive aggressive.

 All I can say is there is a reason New Year’s is just on the heels of Christmas – resolutions and “never again’s” can often be heard tripping from the lips of one and all…

 Therefore, let me invite you to peace.  Let go of the words, the offenses real or imagined, any disappointments of the past few days…just let it go.  Peace is a choice.  You decide where to focus your thoughts and energy each day.  It may feel hard to let go of the offenses (really this is just your ego wanting you to be a victim…) but who are you really hurting by holding on?    You, and if you have kids – them too.  Leave or let go, pretty much that simple.

 I suggest a good sense of humor and me, heck I’m going shopping today with one of my very best friends.  Hello retail therapy – what sales to be had with no helpful digs…Happy Day!

Have no fear of the future.   Be Quiet.  Be Still.  And in that very stillness your strength will come and be maintained.   In quietness and confidence shall be your strength.   I am beside you to help and strengthen you. Wonders have unfolded, more still will unfold. Beyond your dreams, beyond your hopes.  Rest in Me. All is well, All matter of things are well.    

Halloween is over and the holidays are approaching again.  Sometimes, during the transition into the holidays, your positive focus can be drawn back into old patterns and not enough worries.  Maybe you start worrying about money or impending family events.  Possibly your sleep is being disrupted with sleeplessness or nightmares.  It could be that your diet has shifted – either eating more or less depending on your own specific reaction to stress.  It could be that you are beginning to trigger into old ways…

 Ask yourself – are you too involved in the lives of others instead of what’s going on in your life?  Are you waiting for someone or something to act thus transforming your life or so you think?  Are you replaying scenes in your mind over and over of events to come or even of past events?  Are you spinning?  Guess what?  It’s time to get your power back by returning the focus back to you and here’s how…

 1.         Spend time alone.  Maybe meditate, go for a walk, clean-up the garden for winter, fish, go for a bike ride, take a bath, anything, just be with you, no computer, no making meals or cleaning up after anyone, just alone with you and your thoughts.  If you start spinning with too much in your head – try guided meditation.  This can lead you out of a harried place to peace – quickly and easily. 

2.         Acquire a new skill – what interests you?  Maybe you want to learn to knit, or try the Rosetta Stone and pick up a new language at home. How about learning to mountain bike or snowboard this winter.  Begin to expand into new frontiers.  Doing this helps you become more energetically solid from the inside out.

3.         Make decisions and set deadlines.  I have discovered the best way to get the universe to act is to start making plans.  Remember everyone does not need to know and/or approve of your decisions/deadlines.  Use discernment in deciding when and to whom to reveal your plans to.  Beware the naysayers.

4.         Live authentically – journal.  Sometimes your own worst enemy is yourself.  You can make yourself crazy with worry or simply avoid the truth staring you in the face.  Journaling helps you to release the ego and connect to your own truth – both good and bad.  It can take the heat out of your emotions and reveal your concerns, fears, even joys in a manageable way.

5.         Make time for your friends.  Friendships can get lost in busy lifestyles and unfortunately, you live less abundantly for it.  Good friends easily help you connect to your own true self again and who better to laugh with?  Go for walks, meet for tea, make some phone calls and connect to who you were before a busy life crowds in.

 Returning the focus to you, allows not only you to live more freely but allows others to be who they are as well.  When you are in tune with your own wants and needs, the agendas and pressures of others – even family – are felt less.  Help yourself through this holiday season by staying centered and balanced – listen to yourself. 

If you have kids you will understand this statement – September has become the lost month.  I can’t keep track of all the papers – new school rules, permission slips, order forms, jog-a-thons, one-time-only fees, lunch boxes, lunch money, conferences, pages and pages of homework, completed work on the refrigerator as well as work ‘to be completed at home and returned’ the next day.  Aaaaggghhhh!  Stop – I beg of you, stop pecking me to death with inane crap.  I swear if I had known this before having cute babies – I might have rethought the entire deal! 

 But September is now slipping into October, all the permission slips are mostly in, and check-ups are complete.  Things will surely settle down for a bit, right?…Now what do you want to be for Halloween? 

Why is the line so thin sometimes?  It all came down to the tooth fairy.  My son is six years old and lost his first tooth this past summer.  Let me tell you we were awaiting this event with much anticipation as his older sister lost her first tooth at four years old and has yet to stop. 

 It happened in the morning – lost the tooth during breakfast.  With big cheers all around, we discussed where to put it in his room (his tooth fairy pillow) and not to worry.  The sitter that night would help him with his note to the tooth fairy…

 …I woke up the next morning to the sounds of a wailing child.  Running into his room and I cry panicked, “What’s wrong?”

 Tears streaming down his face, he croaks with a cracked voice, “The tooth fairy doesn’t like me – look.”  And there is was, the tooth still sat in its pocket and no money.  The horror!  We had forgotten – bad Mommy, bad Mommy.

 Without missing a beat I reply, “Didn’t Caitlin tell you?  The tooth fairy called last night to let us know she might not be able to make it here as she was stuck down in Africa with a family of naked mole rats.  You know they only have two teeth, so missing a tooth is pretty serious business down there.”  (Notice – blame the sitter was my first avenue…)

 Tears stop.  With a sniff and a rubbing of the eyes, he says with hope restored, “Really?”

 “Really.  I thought Caitlin let you know.  (Again blame the sitter – who we love mind you.)  Not to worry – everything will work out.  How about donuts for breakfast?” I smile feeling all of 3 feet tall.

 The next morning my son ran into our room with a glowing smile and dollar in each hand.  “Look Mommy, I got two dollars and I bet I know why.  I was patient and believed it was all going to work out!  And look it did.  It’s good to be patient.” 

 I kid you not – that is what he said.  How quickly the line tilts toward genius as he has learned about patience and delayed gratification.  Good mommy, good Mommy. 

 While on vacation later in the summer my daughter lost another tooth and again the tooth fairy got stuck somewhere (north pole – with the polar bears) missing the first day after.  And again all was right the next day. 

 Amusingly I know these stories have another life – after the identity of the tooth is revealed, in a few years.  Many, many years from now I expect to get phone calls from my grandkids telling me the tooth fairy would be coming the next day as she got stuck in India with the Bengal Tigers or in Australia with the kangaroo family and I will remind her gentle, not to worry.  It will all work out.  Did you go for donuts?

Maybe you are fighting with a spouse, a child, a parent or even a co-worker, guess what?  The problem is you.  I know this is annoying, but it’s true.

 Years ago, I would walk into my therapist office to report all the things my husband was doing wrong and the therapist would constantly redirect me back to myself – much to my annoyance.  Didn’t she get it?  If he would just do this different and that, then everything would be fine.  Uuuuummmmm, nope, she didn’t buy it and after awhile I understood.  The only, only person who is really going to make you happy is you.

 Now this doesn’t fit the fairy tail most of us bought with the castle and Prince Charming.  There is no one person as Jerry Maguire famously said, “who makes me complete.”  No, that’s a movie and this is real life.  You choose your thoughts and your life everyday.

 Now if you are rebelling right now, that’s good, because we are hitting close to the truth.  Let me give some examples of what I am suggesting…

 Say you are a stay-at-home parent and your mate is leaving you “stuck” with the kids/house while he/she goes out to work and sometimes play.  My question to you is, why aren’t you having any fun?  The reply of “who would take care of things” is not an answer but a set up.  Do you have a parent/child relationship with your spouse?  What role do you play? 

 Maybe your spouse is taking advantage of your kindness and guess who’s partly responsible for that dynamic? – yupe, you.  Why?  Because you are getting something out of this too – you get to be “better.” 

 Or maybe you go off to work and your partner has is so easy.  What do they do all day?  No stress, no schedule, get to exercise, no boss.  Can you feel the resentment building in this scenario???

 In marriage we make small concessions along the way to “take care of” our partner, however somewhere along the way we tend to get lost.  Our good intentions usually end up biting us in the bum later.  I wouldn’t say this is anyone’s fault as much as a natural course of learning and growing with another person. 

 What is interesting to note in the above scenarios is both are projections.  Although there is some truth in both situations, most of what binds us to a dysfunctional dynamic is “not enough.”  Not enough time, space, love, money, sleep, self-worth, sex…not enough, not enough me. 

 Hence, I invite you to look at your problems anew and discover what is your part and ask yourself, how can I take better care of me???

“What?  I am not shutting down because that would mean I’m getting old…”  The horror.  I sat in my acupuncturist office slightly stunned…We were discussing sex and how at 39 years old, my sex drive is ever increasing. 

My friends and I (all late thirties/early forties) recently were discussing how much our sex drive has changed.  For those of us having sex with our partners (half were not, but that is another tail…) – the two weeks before ovulation are, shall we say, game on, while the following two weeks are, well, not.  I joke that my body is just trying to get one more baby in – a mantra of “must procreate” vibrates throughout causing amusing results.

 First off, in those first weeks in the cycle, I attract lots of men – this has got me believing in pheromones.  They must smell/hear my ovaries message of, sex, sex, sex.  When I was in Vegas last, my friend and I happened to be in that first part of our cycles at the same time.  I had just told her of my theory when two drinks were delivered from the gentlemen at the end of the bar…we just about fell out of our chairs laughing, along with spilling the drinks…

 …back to the doctor’s office, sitting stunned – “I’m shutting down?”…Yes, in a sense I got that with the ovaries shouting – just one more! But I avoid the shutting down part because that might imply I was aging and that can not be???  Why I feel 29/30 years old? 

 And suddenly I was laughing inside, this monthly curse, which I have almost dreaded my whole life, whether through inconvenience or interference, has now become precious.  (Hearing a chuckling God inside, reminding me to be humble at every turn.) 

Ughhh, wow, life is a kick, just when you get it all figured out – flip.  What was dreaded once now becomes a friend and life, here and now, becomes just a little more precious…

I’ve never been to Vegas, so when my annual college girls’ trip came round this year it seemed like a great idea.  Stay in a swank hotel, see a show, excellent spas and pools, have some laughs – all good and innocent…Well, my girlfriend called two days ago with the news that her college boyfriend is headed to Vegas for his Stag party…

 Let me describe her college boyfriend – think English and looks like Ichabod Crane.  I am not kidding.  He is a fantastic fellow, I rarely stopped giggling around him.  I have memories of him sitting on the couch in his boxers, next to my boyfriend, also in boxers – playing N0-friend-o (Nintendo) for hours…what a pair.

 Needless to I expect to come home in five days with aching ribs from giggling at a merry band of pasty and slightly bloated Englishmen doing there very best impressions of “I’m too sexy for this shirt, too sexy for this shirt…and I do a little spin on the catwalk”…Viva Las Vegas…