It took me months to open this book and I am glad I finally did.  I had picked it up in the Spring to read on vacation, but then I lost interest for awhile.  I had been scared off after re-reading the part about her Mother dying young on the back cover teaser…The story seemed more depressing then uplifting. 

 But somehow it traveled to the beach with me this summer and thank goodness, as The Ice Queen is a perfect beach read; light, thoughtful and surprising.  What surprised me about the book were the intriguing characters and plot twists.  The characters were complicated; no one is black and white.  Each of us has hidden parts that may shock those around us – “If they only knew…” we wonder silently. 

 I have always been drawn to plots where the world sees one thing and reality is so much stickier.  I like it because it reminds me to think in tones of gray.  To remember that there is a completely unknown back-story behind each person that motivates their behaviors every day.  The message to me is always the same – sometimes it is not about you.

 The narrator of the story is often seen jumping to hysterical conclusions as displayed when she spies on her sister-in-law late one night returning library books, or why her lover only wants to make love in the dark, or even the cause of her mother’s death.  The narrator’s inability to see beyond her own self-contempt blurs her perception of events – everyone doesn’t like her, she has no friends, she causes death…

 Surprisingly she does have friends and those who care for her, but she can not see it because of her own self-loathing.  Since she has not learned to take care of herself, she can not take care of her friendships or even a positive relationship with her brother.  The narrator transcends her hurts finally by stopping her self-punishment.  Unfortunately and of course, tragic events must unfold for the narrator to finally make peace with the past.

 However, a satisfying peace is made and lessons can be gleaned by any reader about perception and reality.  It is often a bit of both that creates the moments of your life, for better or worse…   

While returning from vacation on Wednesday, I kept thinking about Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz clicking her heels to go home.  I think I even clicked mine a few times - just in case.  Why?  Well, I’m afraid of heights - flying is really not something I look forward to and unfortunately I discovered I was flying co-pilot back to the mainland in a tinny, tiny plane…Holy crap!

 I had just spent five glorious days in Martha’s Vineyard with my college friend and we were sitting outside the adorable airport waiting for my flight.  I say “adorable” because the airport at Martha’s Vineyard appears like the quintessential New England beach house welcoming travelers, no ugly concrete or steel hurting your eyes here.  Baggage claim is a couple guys lifting a small, glass garage door and placing your luggage on an inverted shelf for you to pick up five minutes after your plane lands…Not exactly LaGuardia.

 So there we are looking out on the small airfield and my amused friend says eyeing me, “Hey, those are pretty small planes out there – I bet you’re on one.”   Quickly my eyes dart from plane to plane looking for my airline, Cape Air. 

 At that very moment, I vaguely recall some folks joking with us earlier on the trip about flying back to the mainland on “Cape Fear.”  I had a flash of moments before when I was checking in at the ticket counter - they had needed to know my weight and weighted all my carry-on bags – even my purse…Holy crap, the innuendo at the bar was now becoming all too clear as I saw the plane with “Cape Air” on the tail.  There were only five windows down the side of the plane.  Mother of God I think it only sat 10 people in all.  I started sweating at that moment. 

 Fifteen minutes later I was standing on the tarmac next to the man who was giving us our seat assignments.  He looks directly at me and said, “Co-pilot.”  What?  Is that legal?  Freaking co-pilot!  All I can think of is my husband…He has a burning desire to fly planes yet here I am being assigned co-pilot.  God certainly has a sense of humor…

 Within moments I am in the co-pilot’s seat, nervously giggling to the pilot, “I am not taking over mid-flight.  I’m sure you’ve flown a million times…Right?”  Needless to say, I am screwed.  I wrapped my arms around me lest I grab the controls by mistake or touch one of the many buttons, gadgets in front of me – just because. 

 The take off was ok.  I did not like being in this tiny plane flying over the sea.  It’s already little bouncy in a small plane, so it is not a far stretch to imagine yourself tumbling down from the sky…I kept thinking Angelina Jolie is an idiot – who the hell would choose to do this for an afternoon of pleasure?   I watched the flight time tick by on the control board’s clock and pretended to enjoy the scenery from my flying coffin.   

 Praying really began on the descent.  I tried hard to block visions of a fiery grand finale to our flight by incessantly praying the “Our Father” during touchdown.  Actually, it was the smoothest landing I have ever experienced. 

 On one of my next flights that day I sat next to a man had who climbed Mt. Everest a few years ago.  I exclaimed that was not for me as I am afraid of heights (besides the fact I don’t like the cold, sleeping in a tent for days on end, eating crappy food, risking my life to reach any summit…)  He informed me he was also afraid of heights – he did it to face his fears.

 I smiled and thought, “Been there, done that earlier today and I didn’t have to go across the globe.”  And then I thought, “But am I better for it?” 

 Immediately in my mind I heard a resounding, “Yes!” and of course, a chuckling God too.  I had been to the summit and successfully reached the other side – anxiety and all.  Some lessons come to you, instead you going to the mountain.

I leave tomorrow for my annual girl’s trip.  This year we are headed to Martha’s Vineyard.  No husband, no kids, no work, actual adult “me” time. Often, I’ve discovered during these annual trips, I see myself again. Amusingly, I witness the unique quirks of me over and over without the distraction of kids or a husband…

In my mind’s eye, I am wonderful, flexible traveler. In reality, not so much - sensitive stomach, sleeplessness due to excitement, finicky eater…When I step back and really see it, it’s ridiculous.

The dichotomy of my hopeful mind’s eye (I am a world-class traveler, ready to win the Amazing Race!), and the starch truth of my behavior (porta-potties cause me to wince involuntarily) - it is absurd.  This flexible person in my mind’s eye, well, she just doesn’t exist in reality. Do we all decide how we should be and quietly berate ourselves for not measuring up? The hum of disapproval vibrating in our minds.

I have discovered I am much happier when I operate in the world from the truth of my behavior. I am not a good traveler for all my so called good intentions, and now, I travel prepared – stomach cures, sleeping pills and power bars. I am who I am and I will not be entering the Amazing Race, ever.

When I return from these girls’ trips, I feel softened and empowered. I only go now with one other girlfriend because, well, we’re selfish.  My girlfriend and I met in the first few weeks of college. We have always been mistaken for sisters as we look, dress and act similarly even to this day. We are so much alike, yet our life choices have lead us on very different paths. She is in international law and single. I am married, mother of two and working from my home…Yet we are still sisters. 

For about five days each year we live like sisters again…We giggle, gossip, tease, re-tell the same stories over and over again, shop, eat and drink too much, and listen to the new stories each has to tell.  We have tried to include others, but it doesn’t lead to good places.  The only men we talk to are named Hector and carry trays with umbrella drinks.  We have a fantastic time.

Even with our very different lives, we are able to support each other still. She helps me access my identity before the rest of life crowded in. She helps me play and frankly, stay young.

Several years ago she inspired me to get back into a bikini…I had not worn a bikini in maybe 10 years—I was a Mom, that time had past, my body wasn’t perfect. Again, I heard the hum of disapproval vibrating within. But I did it anyway, and you know what, I looked good.

I looked around the beach and everyone was in bikinis, with all their different bodies for the entire world to see. There were no perfect bodies. Even the sixteen year olds had cellulite. I didn’t have to be perfect. Finally, my mind’s eye had softened to embrace reality. The disapproving hum disappeared, only to be replaced by the crashing of waves and laughter of sisters.

I knew my life was ruined – we had promised my daughter a dog for her eighth birthday and that day was here.  When she was two and this promise first began, eight years old seemed so far away, at least six years…Alas time marches on and we have promises to keep…

 Let me be clear – I am a cat person.  My distaste for dogs was born out of jealousy.  I grew up with dogs, but unfortunately my Mother was (still is) “nuts” about her dogs.  My mother yelled at the kids/husband while the dogs were protected from her tempers.  Hence I was jealous of the dogs because they never experienced the wrath of Mother, only the good stuff.   Dogs were not my best friends.

 In contrast, my daughter is one of those kids that animals love.  She and my husband are dog-magnets.  My friends set up play dates for her to come over and play with their dogs.  She just adores animals, so there was no way I could get out of this eighth Birthday promise (especially since I had been asked daily for six years, “When is my eighth Birthday?)  However I was still dreading all the extra work a dog meant for me, no matter all the promises to walk, brush, feed, etc. 

 I had been mentally preparing for this for the past six months – psyching up to add the many extra duties of dog ownership; walks, food, poop pick-up, training…Then my husband came up with the great idea of adopting an adult dog as to avoid the hassles of puppy-hood. 

 After just a couple days of searching online, we adopted Katie from a rescue shelter.  Katie was the only dog we saw and it was love at first site.  To be perfectly frank, I am shocked by my own instant bond with her.  Let me repeat, I don’t really like dogs – they smell, shed hair all over me, constant attention, jump up, bark and did I mention the hair?  But, there it is anyway – I am in love with her.

 Yes, wisely, Katie helped her cause immediately by deciding I am her favorite.  My husband is a bit chagrinned as it is clear Katie regards me as top dog in the house, but I am leaving town for a few days soon and things could change…

 Still, I am surprised by my own immediate bond with her.  I feel more relaxed with her sleeping in my office while I work.  I feel safer.  My daughter is happier and has already got Katie sitting with only hand cues (she learned watching Animal Planet.)  My husband is calmer and honestly I think is more attracted to me because he likes seeing me bonded with a dog.  Now my son, he could care less…and gratefully, this is ok with me as I understand maybe he is a cat person.

 Without a doubt this has been a remarkable, surprising and fulfilling promise to keep.  One I will never regret, however, I have learned my lesson.  There will be no promises of cars, trips or college, tripping from my lips now.  One dog is enough to teach this old dog a new trick.  I have learned my lesson – no promises involving living things or costs exceeding $100 no matter what! 

Does your relationship feel stuck?  Going through the same patterns over and over?  Bored?  Read Passionate Marriage.  My husband and I just finished reading this life-changing book.  I’m serious – life-changing, however – not for the fate of heart.  This book is blunt with a capital “B.”

 Schnarch believes the dynamics of your relationships, for better or worse, are displayed in your sexual behaviors (i.e. who wants what, frequency, satisfaction…)  Thus what’s happening or not happening in the bedroom, is just another stage for the “real issues” of your relationship – trust, deserving, respect, etc. 

 Maybe you think you and your partner “can’t communicate anymore,” Schnarch explains how you are in fact very much communicating and how, why, when…There are about 4 or 5 couples he follows through their “time in the crucible.”  The whole concept of emotional fusion and self-soothing was keenly beneficial to not only my relationship with my husband but with everyone else in my life.

 This is a must read!

Recently several clients and friends have experienced hardships from house foreclosures to job loss to health crisis.  Unfortunately not all things in life are “good” but with the right tools, you can find your way through your own quagmire to peace…

 1.  Becoming a victim.  Often when tragedy strikes our first response is, “Why Me?”   A more realistic response would be, “Why not me?”  No one will walk through this life without mishap or tragedy.  Why?  Because it is in our “hardships/mistakes” that we learn, not our perfect moves.  I believe each of us is striving for wholeness, so we must grow – growing can hurt sometimes. 

 Years ago I was introduced to Wayne Dyer’s idea that, “there is a valid reason for everything that happens.”  At first I rebelled against this idea – I was a victim – raised in an alcoholic, violent home; molested as a teen; divorced parents; had to work my way through college; chronic pain due to a car accident…on and on I could list why life was unfair and I was a victim. 

 Then I detached and looked again – all of these horrible events taught me and brought me closer to wholeness – in ways I never expect…The chronic pain from my car accident drove me to seek alternative approaches to healing as I had exhausted all the traditional medical avenues.  By going down this alternative path, one I would have never walked without this unrelenting pain – I unlocked a whole new life, a new path to peace. 

 When you are a victim, it is impossible to see past traumatic events to, “What do I need to learn from this?” and “What is my body/soul trying to tell me?” i.e. “What do I need to learn from this experience so I don’t find myself in these shoes again?” When you decide there is a valid reason for everything, you take back your power.  Instead of being tossed about as a victim of circumstances, you own this experience and glean the knowledge to transcend tragic events.  You grow into fullness.

 Once I was able to shift from “poor me” to “What can I learn from this to empower my life today?” (“When have I felt this way before? Or is this a bad pattern I am in?”)  I was able to unlock the victim response from any experience.  Thus I created a pocket of peace within whatever tragedy/difficult event occurred because I know, there is a valid reason for everything…even if today I can not see what that reason is.

 2.  Seek support.  Ok, it is all well and good to know, “There is a valid reason…” but we still need support.  Call friends, family and if need be, professional support.  Even if we know somewhere inside, “there is a valid reason…” - we still are in pain and that must be attended to.  Just because you know you are learning and growing in this process, it does not lessen the very real agony of the experience.  The good news is – people do want to help, it’s a natural response.  When you see a friend or family member in acute pain, don’t you want to help? – do something, anything. 

 Allow your friends and family to “be there” for you – you may even be surprised by someone you never expected to show up in a way that heals not only your heart, but theirs as well.  Tragic/upsetting events often create opportunities for healing in ways you don’t expect or think even thought possible before the events were put into motion.  This is the “silver lining” we refer to after the tragedy passes.

 3.  Spiritual support.  Yes, when need the support of people, but even more – spiritual support.  It is a gift we chose to accept ourselves - in our own time.  Out of sheer desperation I found God in my twenties. 

I was absolutely broken-hearted after ending a six year relationship and in chronic pain from a car accident.  Everyday would find me in tears, smoking too much pot and grasping for anyone/anything to make it better.  One Sunday, I found my way alone to church.  I was not raised in a church – in fact the opposite, as my Mom described herself as a “recovering catholic.”

I had never been to this church before and I’m not sure what the service was about as, but I do remember I wept throughout.  I couldn’t stop.  I just felt like somewhere inside I came home.  As the pastor spoke, she silently invited each one of us to know God not only by the words she uttered, but by her very presence.  This woman was peace - a beacon calling to a new life.

She spoke of a loving God who was with you always.  The words were a balm for my hurts and I could feel myself calm from the inside.  I breathed again.  Then we sang hymns, ones I had never heard before and suddenly I was singing the words, “Resting in the palm of God’s Hand,” and I was.

In that moment, I understood - I am never alone.  I looked at the shining faces around me and saw pure joy.  “Joy,” not pleasure derived from buying or attaining something, but joy - the glorious shimmering of your soul in the fullness of life.  This was a place for me, resting in the palm of God’s hand.

Today I still use this imagery over and over whenever I feel lost, or out of balance.  Sometimes, as you grow up, you discover you have to release certain beliefs you were taught as a child.  I know this lesson of “There is no God, you have to do it all,” was taught to me with the best of intentions – survival.   However, it crippled my life.  I had become obsessed with control or truly, the illusion of control and the idea I had to do it all myself – I was alone.

I am not saying you have to go to church to find God or a higher power, however titled, what I am suggesting is to find connection to something greater then self.  Maybe for you this happens in nature or art, but somehow to view yourself in partnership with the world around instead of in battle.  Once you establish connection to something greater then self, you are able to detach and really witness the events – maybe I am supposed to be learning something here instead of beating myself up about the unfairness (yes, sometimes life isn’t fair…) of it all? 

4.  Courage.  I would love to be able to say something magical that could make all the bad things go away…Well, all I’ve got is a message of courage.  Not condescending, “It will get better with time,” or “I’m so sorry for your pain,” but courage. 

I say “courage” in the full knowledge that the answer you seek as you walk through this difficult time, already rests inside you now.  Be still and listen, maybe even meditate.  For in that stillness your strength will come, and manifest a change in your life.  Be still and listen.  So be it.

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” - Winston Churchill

Everyone disagrees at some point or another, the trick is how to “discuss’ without resorting to name-calling, finger-pointing or personal attacks.  This may be easy with a store clerk, but with a spouse or friend things can get complicated quick.  These are a few tips this Irish, red-head has picked up through ten years of marriage and many clients…

 1.       Shut your mouth and listen.  Actually listen to the person you are in conflict with – do not plan your next verbal attack while the other person is speaking.  A way to force yourself to do this is to repeat back to the other person what their complaint is after him/her stops speaking.  For example, “I hear you are mad at me because I am late, correct?”

 2.       Walk away to take some time to settle down.  Sometimes whatever you are arguing about can be quite painful or upsetting and you may start feeling yourself becoming defensive and/or accusing – this is not going to lead to a positive outcome, so allow yourself some space to settle down.  Let your partner know you need some time to settle down and try to set up another time to discuss this later.  Doing this allows you to focus on the “real issues” instead of your “bad reactions” that may distract you from the “real issues.”  Some years ago when my husband and I were in marriage counseling, he would do something stupid/selfish and I would go ballistic.  It took us a long time to get to his very, real bad behaviors because my reactions would be so outrageous as to eclipse his negative behaviors.  I had to learn to settle myself down before/during discussions as to deal with the real issues.

 3.       Breathing.  Sometimes in the heat of an argument you may realize you are holding your breath or experiencing shallow breathing.  Stop speaking for a few moments and just breathe.  Use your breath to sooth yourself back down to more relaxed space – you will notice you can listen better and have more clarity after you regain your footing.

 4.       Do you want to be right or do you want to find common ground?  This is your ego wanting to “win” your arguments.  Being right all the time can ultimately lead to isolation and loneliness.  The real question to ask yourself is – why do I have to be right?  Ask yourself in the middle of an argument – am I trying to be right or can we compromise?  It takes two people to argument, but one to make a change for the better.

 5.       What is your part?  Be honest, you do have a part - even if it is very small.  The quicker you can focus on your part in the argument, the quicker you will get to resolution.  When you discover your part, you are able to learn - how to avoid this in the future, or what is important to you or even, why this isn’t working?  With better information and clarity you are able to make healthier decisions that meet the needs of both of you instead of just one. 

 6.       Humor.  Yes, some arguments are very serious and some would argue jokes are not appropriate.  However, I am Irish as I have said (gallows’ humor for sure) and the quicker I can laugh about whatever, the better.  Once I was with my sister-in-law taking care of both our kids (four in all) and my husband was two hours late getting back from a bike ride with friends.  Over the couple hours he was late – I was getting more and more pissed off.  Finally he walks through the door and my sister-in-law greets him with, “Hey, “dead-man-walking” – good to see you upright?”  I just about wet my pants I was laughing so hard.  Yes, I was still angry, but no longer at the point of inflicting bodily injury…A warning though, not everyone appreciates this humor as I have lost a friend by making this very same joke with her husband.  Needless to say, it would have happened sooner or later as I don’t take life/events nearly as dramatically as she did.

 7.       Flexibility and letting go.  Once you discover you don’t have to be “right” or recognize your part in the argument, you become more flexible.  As much as I hate it – disagreements, arguments are opportunities to bring your relationship closer be it a friend or lover.  There is no one person on the planet who you would get along with always – not even a soul-mate or twin-flame.  There will be disagreements in life if only because each of us is a separate, thinking individual with our own unique perspective.  Arguments are an opportunity to learn about yourself and your partner – it just doesn’t feel like an opportunity in the heat of the moment.  So breathe.  Be open to learning new information and once peace/harmony has been restored, let go.  Holding grudges or continuing to stew about past arguments is about you – not the other person.  These negative feeling hurt you every day and even draw more arguments into your life.  If you are having trouble “letting go” try journaling, talking with other friends or possibly seek professional help with a coach or therapist to discover how to let go or what is driving your unresolved feelings.

 These are just a few tips I have discovered thus far in my many years of marriage and working with clients.  May they serve you well.   

This podcast is focused on indentifying and transforming blocks to peace.  Through this guided meditation you will identify three specific blocks to peace and begin to heal the blocks easily and effortlessly with your thoughts.  Please join me on this transformation by listening to the podcast to the right.  Peace be with you.

This past weekend, a friend and I were watching my son play.  We could not help but giggle and feel good as we witnessed him…He is five and very imaginative.  All his play is accompanied by the appropriate sounds – when he got on his bike, he let out a, “Hee-haw!!!” as he sped away and there is always a soft murmur of battles with exploding bombs and gunfire as he fights the galactic fleet with legos… 

I remarked to my friend, “That is being present – fully engaged in the moment.  Not worried about what if or is there enough – just being.  I remember that.  I love that.”

 I began reflecting on when I feel that way now in my life.  I feel this when I see clients, meditate, during sex, being in my garden…and what I realized – I need to work on this.  This feeling of presence – being in the moment without being distracted by anything else - well, I need more of that in others areas of my life as well…so, now I’ve been trying this experiment with myself.

 When I feel myself slipping out of the present by becoming anxious about the future, or bored, or even when I begin triggering about something – I think of my son and “Hee-haw!”  It reminds me to be right here, right now and most importantly, it reminds me to breathe – to settle myself in this moment.

 I invite you to watch some kids at play and discover if this is something to work on for yourself  – being present.  Identify an image (must be a positive, feel-good picture!) that works for you and begin connecting to this image in times you feel yourself not present or slipping from presence – you just might be surprised by what you discover!  Have fun and drop me a line if you have any questions or want to share your stories. 

This guided meditation focuses on connecting to your ideal body.  There is no perfect number, but there is a feeling of satisfaction.  This meditation offers support as you transform into your ideal self emotionally and physically.  Enjoy!