Are the days dragging?  Has February got you down?  And there’s even extra day this year too – Leap year!  Help is here.  Try these suggestions I’ve developed over the years for myself and clients to get out of a rut and into my best day. 

1.  Intention.  Set an intention through breathe, prayer or meditation each morning.  Every morning before my husband and I part for the day we hold hands and take turns saying a short prayer, usually not longer then 30 seconds.  This act creates intimacy in your relationship and yourself because you are connecting to what is important and voicing your desires.  This can be done alone, with a spouse or friend, even with children, and still the positive affects will slip into your life magically.

 2.        Make your bed.  I know it sounds silly, but it works.  It takes maybe a minute and half – tops, to pull the covers up and fluff the pillows and viola – an oasis is born, just waiting for you at the end of the day.  This creates a small space of order in your life that quietly expands outward.

 3.       Breakfast.  Even a granola bar will do.  Again, I know you’ve heard this before, but this too works.  Skipping breakfast can lead to becoming a starving lunatic by lunch where binge eating and a need for a nap take center stage.  Breakfast helps you to stay more balanced through the morning and it is even good for staying trim!

 4.       Smiling and laughter.  Any chance you get, smile and laugh.  Immediately you will feel better and best of all – smiles are contagious.  The people around you will enjoy being around you so much more with a smile on your face and an easy laugh.  If you are having trouble finding your smile or laughter – call a friend who always makes you laugh, or flip back in your mind to a funny image or story from your past and re-visit the joke again.  You will feel better – lighter, so smile.

 5.       Sun and nature.  We’ve all read the studies – no sunlight leads to depression.  If you have ever wintered in New England – you know the truth of this statement.  I have had friends who buy those special lambs and sit under them for 15 minutes a day – swearing by the positive effects.  If possible, try sitting in a sunny window or better yet, get outside and go for a walk.  During the winter, it is so easy to only walk outside going to and from your job or the mailbox – resist this trap and take a walk during your lunch break.  You may even be surprised by noticing Spring flowers beginning to break though and realizing Spring is in fact coming this year!

 It is my hope that these suggestions help you to connect to a more balanced and joyful day each day.  May it be so.

That day is upon us, Valentine’s Day.  A girlfriend and I have referred to it as “Happy V.D.” for years, followed by much giggling.   Valentine’s Day is  quite a conundrum.  I like the idea of celebrating love, but find the whole day, kind of a set up for failure.

If I chose to say I am above that “kind of manufactured display of love” and not participate, certainly I’m unhappy.  Where are my chocolates?  Thank God, I no longer work in an office where the relentless parade of delivered flowers consumed me.  I can honestly say, what I dislike the most, is the exclusionary aspect of the celebration.  You don’t have a Valentine?

I did a little research on the origins of Valentine’s Day using the Wikipedia encyclopedia, only to discover its beginnings had little to do with “romantic love”…

The feast of St. Valentine was first decreed in 496 by Pope Gelasius, possibly as an attempt to supersede the pagan holiday of Lupercalia that was still being celebrated in fifth-century Rome.  Valentine was the name of one or more martyred Christian Saints.  Nothing is known about them except “their feats were known to God”  - a dubious beginning to be sure.

It was in the 14th century that author Geoffrey Chaucer first associated the feast with the notion of “romantic love.”   Ummmm, so we can thank an author with a knack for refined “fart” jokes for this celebration…There is a certain kind of symmetry to that I think.

As you can guess, I do like to participate in Valentine’s Day.  However, I have modified it to fit me.  I send Valentines to my girlfriends.  I give my husband instructions, “Chocolate and lingerie.”    (“Lingerie” can easily be exchanged for “shiny baubles” depending how I feel about my dress size that year.)  I buy my husband and my kids something small with homemade cards attached.  And, I buy myself flowers.   Pretty, pretty flowers.  Happy V.D.

Who hasn’t heard all the hype surrounding this book – Oprah’s book.  Several of my friends and family have recommended it to me and reluctantly, I read.  I say reluctantly because I am not a big fan of reading journals.  I’m a prose-girl.  I have only found a few (David Sedaris, Dr. Beryl Markham, Anne Morrow Lindbergh…go to my resources page to get reviews/info) that have a voice that not only resonates with me, but doesn’t bore…She bores a little – do I really need to read about her urinary track infection, the drama of embarrassment and alternative healing?  I’m sorry this just isn’t that big of a deal – obviously no childbirth experience…

Confusion runs high at the end of a relationship. Over and over, the same refrain, voiced by client after client, “Is he going to call?” The very words make my heart ache at their desperation. Ugh. The same thought enters my mind, “Of course he will, but hopefully, by then you won’t care.”

Let me tell you a secret, 99 times out of 100 he or she will call again. Maybe not this week or next, maybe in a year, but unless you are a total nut case, he’ll call. And here’s why: you have unfinished business. It is my experience that if you are “desperate” to hear from anyone, things are unresolved. To get to that level of anguish, I’m betting this has been an unhealthy or out of balance relationship for awhile. The clincher is when a client begins reciting all the ways she/he has helped the person in question “live a better life.”

I have found a better question to ask is, Why am I so desperate for him/her to call? What am I avoiding by focusing on him/her? Loneliness, isolation, depression, abandonment, addiction?

The truth is that breakups suck. There would not be so many songs, books and movies about the subject if it was otherwise, but there is an unhealthy and a healthy path. When a healthy relationship goes awry, of course, there are tears, deep sadness, hurts, but it does not lead to this desperate place of “Is he going to call again?” This phrase screams, “co-dependant, big fights, slamming doors.” All reason and rational thought go out the window and the anguished refrain, “Do you think he’s going to call?” begins falling from your lips with frightening regularity…

Let me ask you another question, if you are desperate for her to call right now, ask yourself, is this the first time you have felt this way in this relationship? This queasy, nervous space with aching all over it, or have you been here again and again? He left you waiting that time. You discovered something. This nervous, clinging space has become familiar, a habit really.

Let me tell you something else I have discovered: you can break a habit. It doesn’t happen overnight, but by new, healthier thoughts and beliefs you focus on everyday until you have the new habit of being in healthy relationships.

How to do this?  Try meditating or picking up a new habit such as hiking or just getting outside more.  Check out my resources page to discover an interesting book to support you during this process.  Go take a workshop about something that interests you and even meet new people interested in things you like to do.  Above all, get busy – so, when he/she does call and he will, you will see him for what he really is – someone you don’t want to call you.

How do you mend a broken heart?  How does it get broken?  Is it in one event?  Or are there dozens of offenses before the crack?  Oh, I wish I knew.  For me, it happens over time, dozens of offenses forcing me to dodge and weave hoping to keep my balance.  Some days I can, and some I can’t. In my early twenties, I dated a man, really a boy, who I adored.  It was an incredibly, passionate relationship.  I discovered passion is a slippery thing, it goes both ways.  The intensity you love is equal to the intensity you hate.  My, my does can that lead to interesting times…We stayed together six years. Our break-up was a pitiful good-bye, lasting a year of push and pull.  The end did not result from a lack of love; it ended because of all the hurts.  The wounds left to fester and grow.  He was an alcoholic.  I suspect he still is. I grew up with a father who drank too much and a mother who yelled too much.  My old boyfriend was like home.  I loved and hated home as I loved and hated him.  I’m sure I even became the woman who yelled too often, much to my disgust. I remember after he left, laying in bed, weeping for hours – hurting so deeply from the inside.  I would take deep breaths in all the time because I felt like I couldn’t breathe — never enough air, never any relief.   Over and over, in my mind I would repeat this poem my mother once said to me, “I told my soul to be still and wait. Without love, For I know not what to love. Without hope, For I know not what to hope for. But in the waiting, there is faith.  There is love, hope and faith in the waiting.  I told my soul to be still and wait.”  If I said it enough times, finally a peace would descend.   Comforting me, even if it lasted only a little while. Today I know that comfort was God.  I was ceaselessly praying with my poem.  As I lay in my bed at night, I would imagine myself held in the palm of God’s hand.  I started going to church.  It was when I gave up, that my heart began to mend. I can’t say it happened over night.  It was a process and time was a huge part of it.  I can’t even say it won’t happen again.  But what I can say is, I have faith.  There is love, hope and faith in the waiting.  In that space, God waits for me.  I am held there and gently reminded “courage.”  I told my soul to be still and wait.

Over the years I have had many clients frustrated in dating, especially the dreaded first date.  I’m always slightly surprised by this as I loved dating when I was single, especially blind dates.  I even met my husband on a blind date, his first and last.  I loved the possibilities, the adventure and, of course, I have a wicked sense of humor, so any so-called-bad date was always worth a good story.

Dating doesn’t have to be an exercise in torture.  Ok, sure for some of us, talking to a box of rocks is easy, but for others, a different scenario.  For some, the thought of engaging in intimate conversation with a virtual stranger can induce stuttering and immediate brain cramping.    I have come to believe in five basic rules for the first date; they have served me and clients very well…

1.  Decide what you are looking for before you go out on the date.  Are you looking for a boyfriend/husband or a fling? Be honest with yourself.  If you really want a boyfriend/husband, decide before you put your big toe out the door what you want in a mate (i.e. humor, kindness, job security, honesty…)  Write down 5-10 things that are important to you.  This gives you a framework and clarity to make empowered decisions.

2.  Be willing to cut bait early.  Relax, this is not the last person on earth.  There will be other dates if this one does not work out.  Don’t settle for someone who just isn’t right.

3.  Believe what he says.  If he says he doesn’t want a serious relationship, he’s not a good at relationships or anything of the like, guess what?  He’s telling you the truth.  Red flags should be signaling you away from this disaster in waiting.  Run far away from this person.  No second date.

4.  Like him as is.  Don’t think, “Well, if he changed his job, or if this or that was different, I would like him.”  Again, I go back to, do not settle.  There are so many people looking for love — strive for an abundant life with your most perfect love.  You deserve your best life.

5.  I call this rule is the two nevers.  Never kiss on the first date and never call him after the first date.  He calls you.  Reality is, we all like a chase.  If he doesn’t call, well, it just means he didn’t call.  Don’t take it personally. Sometimes the sparks just aren’t there or maybe he has an ex that really isn’t out of the picture or maybe the timing is off.  It doesn’t matter.  I promise that you do not want to start your relationship feeling like your chasing him.  I had a girlfriend that would chase guy after guy away because she had to call him right away.  She came off desperate – not attractive.  She did not have a lot of second dates.

It is my belief the single most attractive quality a person can have is self-worth.  If you believe yourself worthy of a beautiful life, a beautiful love, you will not settle for “less-than.”  By knowing your worth and having clarity about what you want, you become a more confident person.  Confidence is incredibly sexy and not surprisingly, the more confident you become, the more people will be calling you for dates!