I did not want to like this movie.  Not a big fan of Hillary Swank (began on 90210 years ago as annoying girl…) and a movie about losing your husband?  Not particularly happy-feel-good, but I was wrong. 

 There are just as many laughs as tears and frankly, Gerard Butler using his Irish accent – oh my…I am a complete sucker for a brogue.  The entire cast is good – particularly Harry Connick, Jr.  The friendships are real with their fluid teasing - facing the realities of life with humor and stumbling grace.   The girls’ trip to Ireland is bittersweet and gorgeous. 

 However, it is still a “crier” movie.  Truly it is in essence an Irish wake – tears, drinking, songs, storytelling, and oh so much laughter…Feels like home to me.  Enjoy! 

Gritty, sexy, funny and violent, oh and don’t forget the accents – this movie is an all-around good time.  It is a true guy’s flick and I loved it.  Violent, but not bloody.  Crass humor, but not without surprising and amusing undertones.  I liked the quick dialog and twisting plot – I still want to see that damn lucky painting!  And the movie’s characters are sensational.  As much as the crank-head rock star is detestable, he is sympathetic…

 Only problem – the movie is kind of like all the rest of his films.  So if you are fan, you’ll see a lot of the same actors from his other flicks and a similar, yet fun plot.  You won’t be disappointed, but if you didn’t like his other flicks, don’t bother…However specifically for any dubious ladies, Gerald Butler is pretty easy on the eyes for two hours and funny too…Think of all the points you could get for going along with his movie choice this time?  It will come in handy in December when all the Oscar contenders come out…

These were the words recently spoken to me by a client.  My response was easy, “What makes you think you haven’t already?”  She looked at me blankly for a bit and I continued…

 Soul mates aren’t just restricted to your lovers.  Friends, relatives, even animals can be soul mates.  I do not believe you have just one soul mate (you do only have one twin flame, but that’s for another day…)  Soul mates are here to help you become your best self. 

 Yes, of course, love is a component of this usually, but not always.  Someone who really drives you nuts could be a soul mate because he/she is challenging a very core issue in you or they wouldn’t drive you crazy.  Soul mates are really a reflection of you – good and bad. 

 Today we have a very romantic concept of soul mates; one person just for us - someone who makes it all better, completes us.  Unfortunately, this thinking limits us and others.  Soul mates don’t complete us – we complete ourselves through loving and struggling with the soul mates that come and go in our lives.

 So look around in your life today – how many soul mates do you have?  And one step further – who or what are these soul mates encouraging me to become?

I’m painting again.  Not because I felt the pull of some artistic calling, but because I wanted to cover a grate in the wall at home.  I found the perfect sized canvas to cover the spot and I decided it would be easier to just to paint something…Well, that was Monday, I am still painting and I am happy.

 I remember putting my paints and brushes away when the babies came years ago – no room, no time.  I put those talents away, in storage - maybe for another day… 

 Yet here I am, paint smeared on my fingers and sweatshirt, smiling to discover that happy girl with talents aplenty… 

Recently a new door has appeared – an unexpected opportunity now lay on the horizon.  Unfortunately, at this moment, all we can do is wait – just staring at the door, trying to will it open with our desires…

 I have never been good at waiting.  I am an action-oriented person, none of this “sitting around and waiting for life to tap me on the shoulder,” I’m already down the road…

 Last night as we were walking the dog, my daughter asked me, “Mommy, when will this happen?” 

 I smiled and heard myself offer a very reasonable answer, “Sweets, only God knows that – we can only see in part.  All will be revealed in the right time.  Not to worry, everything is being taken care of.”  And like kids do – she bought it and shifted to a new topic.  Ummm, I think I’m supposed to learn something here…

 When I am waiting, I try to distract myself with the knowledge that everything is happening in its right time.  I repeat over and over in my mind, “I can only see in part…”  The last time I used this mantra so fiercely was years ago when my son was suffering from multiple daily seizures and we couldn’t find any answers.  Interestingly, the healing happened months before the answers were revealed…So it’s good to notice, this time we wait on our heart’s desires, instead of our worst fears…

 I have come to believe in active waiting.  I like the old Arab saying, “Trust in God and tie up your horses,” because it implies a partnership with God and your future.  Sometimes you act and sometimes you wait – knowing the difference is the rub.

 So today, we wait on the will of heaven, and pray for this or something better yet to be revealed.  So be it.   

Recently I was on vacation in Martha’s Vineyard and noticed lots of people wearing “Black Dog” apparel.  The Black Dog is a local business established in 1971 (I know this because I too now have a t-shirt with this information…) that has become quite popular on the island.  Quickly I realized is this is part of the “vineyard uniform” – daily wear for everyone. 

 And it hit me – every destination vacation has it’s own uniform…Hawaii, yupe, all the tourists wear Hawaiian shirts, skirts and dresses; in Disney – buttons, clothing of all sorts, hats…In Caribbean – braids, they only look good on 10% of the population but about 90% of woman give this a try…Boots/hats in Texas…In Ireland, throw me a wool sweater and some plaid…etc, etc…and the worst part is - I’m guilty of most these fashion blunders myself (thank God not the braids though.)  I suffer from the old motto, “When in Rome…” 

 A friend that I travel with believes this is a display of each person’s desire to bring vacation home, hence you buy the same crap.  I agree but I also think it’s about sharing the experience.  The uniform, however silly, makes vacation feel even further away from your reality left at home.  Not many of us can imagine wearing Caribbean braids to a sales meeting with the boss or how about a sarong?  However on vacation – anything goes…

  Hence you can find me buying Hawaiian music on Maui dressed in a bikini/sarong or t-shirts in the Black Dog Café for everyone in my family.  When in Rome, baby…

It took me months to open this book and I am glad I finally did.  I had picked it up in the Spring to read on vacation, but then I lost interest for awhile.  I had been scared off after re-reading the part about her Mother dying young on the back cover teaser…The story seemed more depressing then uplifting. 

 But somehow it traveled to the beach with me this summer and thank goodness, as The Ice Queen is a perfect beach read; light, thoughtful and surprising.  What surprised me about the book were the intriguing characters and plot twists.  The characters were complicated; no one is black and white.  Each of us has hidden parts that may shock those around us – “If they only knew…” we wonder silently. 

 I have always been drawn to plots where the world sees one thing and reality is so much stickier.  I like it because it reminds me to think in tones of gray.  To remember that there is a completely unknown back-story behind each person that motivates their behaviors every day.  The message to me is always the same – sometimes it is not about you.

 The narrator of the story is often seen jumping to hysterical conclusions as displayed when she spies on her sister-in-law late one night returning library books, or why her lover only wants to make love in the dark, or even the cause of her mother’s death.  The narrator’s inability to see beyond her own self-contempt blurs her perception of events – everyone doesn’t like her, she has no friends, she causes death…

 Surprisingly she does have friends and those who care for her, but she can not see it because of her own self-loathing.  Since she has not learned to take care of herself, she can not take care of her friendships or even a positive relationship with her brother.  The narrator transcends her hurts finally by stopping her self-punishment.  Unfortunately and of course, tragic events must unfold for the narrator to finally make peace with the past.

 However, a satisfying peace is made and lessons can be gleaned by any reader about perception and reality.  It is often a bit of both that creates the moments of your life, for better or worse…   

Everyone disagrees at some point or another, the trick is how to “discuss’ without resorting to name-calling, finger-pointing or personal attacks.  This may be easy with a store clerk, but with a spouse or friend things can get complicated quick.  These are a few tips this Irish, red-head has picked up through ten years of marriage and many clients…

 1.       Shut your mouth and listen.  Actually listen to the person you are in conflict with – do not plan your next verbal attack while the other person is speaking.  A way to force yourself to do this is to repeat back to the other person what their complaint is after him/her stops speaking.  For example, “I hear you are mad at me because I am late, correct?”

 2.       Walk away to take some time to settle down.  Sometimes whatever you are arguing about can be quite painful or upsetting and you may start feeling yourself becoming defensive and/or accusing – this is not going to lead to a positive outcome, so allow yourself some space to settle down.  Let your partner know you need some time to settle down and try to set up another time to discuss this later.  Doing this allows you to focus on the “real issues” instead of your “bad reactions” that may distract you from the “real issues.”  Some years ago when my husband and I were in marriage counseling, he would do something stupid/selfish and I would go ballistic.  It took us a long time to get to his very, real bad behaviors because my reactions would be so outrageous as to eclipse his negative behaviors.  I had to learn to settle myself down before/during discussions as to deal with the real issues.

 3.       Breathing.  Sometimes in the heat of an argument you may realize you are holding your breath or experiencing shallow breathing.  Stop speaking for a few moments and just breathe.  Use your breath to sooth yourself back down to more relaxed space – you will notice you can listen better and have more clarity after you regain your footing.

 4.       Do you want to be right or do you want to find common ground?  This is your ego wanting to “win” your arguments.  Being right all the time can ultimately lead to isolation and loneliness.  The real question to ask yourself is – why do I have to be right?  Ask yourself in the middle of an argument – am I trying to be right or can we compromise?  It takes two people to argument, but one to make a change for the better.

 5.       What is your part?  Be honest, you do have a part - even if it is very small.  The quicker you can focus on your part in the argument, the quicker you will get to resolution.  When you discover your part, you are able to learn - how to avoid this in the future, or what is important to you or even, why this isn’t working?  With better information and clarity you are able to make healthier decisions that meet the needs of both of you instead of just one. 

 6.       Humor.  Yes, some arguments are very serious and some would argue jokes are not appropriate.  However, I am Irish as I have said (gallows’ humor for sure) and the quicker I can laugh about whatever, the better.  Once I was with my sister-in-law taking care of both our kids (four in all) and my husband was two hours late getting back from a bike ride with friends.  Over the couple hours he was late – I was getting more and more pissed off.  Finally he walks through the door and my sister-in-law greets him with, “Hey, “dead-man-walking” – good to see you upright?”  I just about wet my pants I was laughing so hard.  Yes, I was still angry, but no longer at the point of inflicting bodily injury…A warning though, not everyone appreciates this humor as I have lost a friend by making this very same joke with her husband.  Needless to say, it would have happened sooner or later as I don’t take life/events nearly as dramatically as she did.

 7.       Flexibility and letting go.  Once you discover you don’t have to be “right” or recognize your part in the argument, you become more flexible.  As much as I hate it – disagreements, arguments are opportunities to bring your relationship closer be it a friend or lover.  There is no one person on the planet who you would get along with always – not even a soul-mate or twin-flame.  There will be disagreements in life if only because each of us is a separate, thinking individual with our own unique perspective.  Arguments are an opportunity to learn about yourself and your partner – it just doesn’t feel like an opportunity in the heat of the moment.  So breathe.  Be open to learning new information and once peace/harmony has been restored, let go.  Holding grudges or continuing to stew about past arguments is about you – not the other person.  These negative feeling hurt you every day and even draw more arguments into your life.  If you are having trouble “letting go” try journaling, talking with other friends or possibly seek professional help with a coach or therapist to discover how to let go or what is driving your unresolved feelings.

 These are just a few tips I have discovered thus far in my many years of marriage and working with clients.  May they serve you well.   

This past weekend, a friend and I were watching my son play.  We could not help but giggle and feel good as we witnessed him…He is five and very imaginative.  All his play is accompanied by the appropriate sounds – when he got on his bike, he let out a, “Hee-haw!!!” as he sped away and there is always a soft murmur of battles with exploding bombs and gunfire as he fights the galactic fleet with legos… 

I remarked to my friend, “That is being present – fully engaged in the moment.  Not worried about what if or is there enough – just being.  I remember that.  I love that.”

 I began reflecting on when I feel that way now in my life.  I feel this when I see clients, meditate, during sex, being in my garden…and what I realized – I need to work on this.  This feeling of presence – being in the moment without being distracted by anything else - well, I need more of that in others areas of my life as well…so, now I’ve been trying this experiment with myself.

 When I feel myself slipping out of the present by becoming anxious about the future, or bored, or even when I begin triggering about something – I think of my son and “Hee-haw!”  It reminds me to be right here, right now and most importantly, it reminds me to breathe – to settle myself in this moment.

 I invite you to watch some kids at play and discover if this is something to work on for yourself  – being present.  Identify an image (must be a positive, feel-good picture!) that works for you and begin connecting to this image in times you feel yourself not present or slipping from presence – you just might be surprised by what you discover!  Have fun and drop me a line if you have any questions or want to share your stories. 

This guided meditation focuses on connecting to your ideal body.  There is no perfect number, but there is a feeling of satisfaction.  This meditation offers support as you transform into your ideal self emotionally and physically.  Enjoy!