That day is upon us, Valentine’s Day. For years a girlfriend and I have referred to it as “Happy V.D.” ~ followed by much giggling. Valentine’s Day is quite a conundrum. I like the idea of celebrating love, but find the whole day, kind of a set up for failure.

If I chose to say I am above that “kind of manufactured display of love” and not participate, certainly I’m unhappy. Where are my chocolates? Thank God, I no longer work in an office where the relentless parade of delivered flowers consumed me. I can honestly say, what I dislike the most, is the exclusionary aspect of the celebration. You don’t have a Valentine?

I did a little research on the origins of Valentine’s Day using the Wikipedia encyclopedia, only to discover its beginnings had little to do with “romantic love”…

The feast of St. Valentine was first decreed in 496 by Pope Gelasius, possibly as an attempt to supersede the pagan holiday of Lupercalia. ‘Valentine’ was the name of one or more martyred Christian Saints. Nothing is known about them except “their feats were known to God” – a dubious beginning to be sure…

It was in the 14th century that author Geoffrey Chaucer first associated the feast with the notion of “romantic love.” Ummmm, so we can thank an author with a knack for refined “fart” jokes for this celebration…There is a certain kind of symmetry to that I think.

As you can guess, I do like to participate in Valentine’s Day. However, I have modified it to fit me. I send Valentines to my girlfriends. I give my husband instructions, “Chocolate and lingerie.” (“Lingerie” can easily be exchanged for “shiny baubles” depending how I feel about my dress size that year.) I buy my husband and my kids something small with homemade cards attached. And, I buy myself flowers. Pretty, pretty flowers. Happy V.D.

“Now remember with Saturn going retrograde, karma is due.  Old lovers are going to contact you.  It’s resolution time baby!”  I said on Indie Spirit last week…

As these words came tripping out of my mouth days ago, I was thinking, oh Kelly, heed the warning sister…Yesterday I was contacted by a long, lost lover.  He found me on Facebook, of course.  He is far, far away in another country ~ bored in the middle of the night.

This man was not someone I loved, nor was I someone he loved, but we shared a magical escape once a long time ago.  He wanted to know if I still had my tattoo.  He wanted to tell me he has never forgotten my tattoo or me…

We wrote of kids, marriage and laughed about our own adventures.  We chatted up happy lives of here and now.  It was somewhere in the middle of the chat, I felt myself detach – why was this happening?  Ok, Saturn retrograde, yeah, yeah…but what do I need to hear and what could lead me astray?

And he wrote it again, “I just wanted you to know I will never forget you or the adventure…”

I responded with a laughing, “Never ever.”  Just then I realized he was making sure I didn’t ever forget about him.  He needed to be SEEN as that guy from that night.  He needed to be tattooed into this memory.  For it was tattooed onto him.

Now I could be lead astray here, wanting this experience to be more, but it’s not about me.  Yes, it is a compliment to be contacted and remembered, but it really has nothing to do with me. It’s about him.  Just as my reaction years ago was about me…

We were in Ireland celebrating my Mother’s 50^th Birthday with my stepfather, Mom, nine-year-old sister and me.  It was kind of ‘the best of times/worst of times trip.’  For an entire week my mother treated me like I was nine instead of 26.  We could only stop at places in the travel guide Fodor’s.  Needless to say by the last night in Ireland I was ready to cut loose.  My family flew out that day and I was alone for a night…well, not for long.

It was a night to remember.  Completely separate from me and my life in the states.  When I got back to the states I told a friend about my adventure and he reflected back to me, “I think you just needed to prove to yourself you weren’t a child but a woman.”

He was right.  I needed to prove to everyone I was not a little girl!  I laughed immediately and that became my focus of that experience – being in the fullness of womanhood.  Empowered, attractive, fiery, passionate, bold and laughter.  Celtic Brigit energy surely.

Fast forward to now.  This lover of my youth is now a middle-aged man.  Something drives him to connect again to that brash, young man from long ago.  He is compelled to be seen fully as that man from that night.  He needed to know that guy is in there, somewhere.  Only he knows the reasons why and I will not ask.  My life is here.

For my Celtic Brigit energy has only grown wiser.  The Goddess Brigit has three faces – the maiden, the matron and the crone.  I have left the maiden on distant shores years ago.  I am in the matron phase with a beloved husband, beautiful children and a graceful life.  Yet amusingly, I have been gratefully reminded that I am still that lass of yesterday too – empowered, attractive, fiery, passionate, bold and laughing.  Glad some things never change.  Thank you Saturn Retrograde.

Dating can be an exercise in torture, but it doesn’t have to be! Join us Thurs on Indie Spirit @ 11 am EST as we discuss the Do’s and Don’ts of Dating.  Expect simple tips, meditation, great music and much laughter as Classic & Kelly reveal what guys/gals are really thinking…Indie Spirit Show on Blogtalk Radio.

Has your life been affected by an AFFAIR? Do they matter?  Why do they happen? Is Forgiveness possible?  Join us on Indie Spirit This Thursday, 10/14, as we discuss Affairs and Relationships on Blogtalkradio @ 11 am EST.  Discover what is possible with tips, meditation and more than a few laughs…Come, join in the chat. http://www.blogtalkradio.com/indieonair

Everyone disagrees at some point or another, the trick is how to “discuss’ without resorting to name-calling, finger-pointing or personal attacks.  This may be easy with a store clerk, but with a spouse or friend things can get complicated quick.  These are a few tips this Irish, red-head has picked up through ten-plus years of marriage and many clients…

 1.       Shut your mouth and listen.  Actually listen to the person you are in conflict with – do not plan your next verbal attack while the other person is speaking.  A way to force yourself to do this is to repeat back to the other person what their complaint is after him/her stops speaking.  For example, “I hear you are mad at me because I am late, correct?”

 2.       Walk away to take some time to settle down.  Sometimes whatever you are arguing about can be quite painful or upsetting and you may start feeling yourself becoming defensive and/or accusing – this is not going to lead to a positive outcome, so allow yourself some space to settle down.  Let your partner know you need some time to settle down and try to set up another time to discuss this later.  Doing this allows you to focus on the “real issues” instead of your “bad reactions” that may distract you from the “real issues.”  Some years ago when my husband and I were in marriage counseling.  My husband would do something stupid/selfish and I would go ballistic.  It took us a long time to get to his very, real bad behaviors because my reactions would be so outrageous as to eclipse his negative behaviors.  I had to learn to settle myself down before/during discussions as to deal with the real issues.

 3.       Breathing.  Sometimes in the heat of an argument you may realize you are holding your breath or experience shallow breathing.  Stop speaking for a few moments and just breathe.  Use your breath to sooth yourself back down to more relaxed space – you will notice you can listen better and have more clarity after you regain your footing.

 4.       Do you want to be right or do you want to find common ground?  This is your ego wanting to “win” your arguments.  Being right all the time can ultimately lead to isolation and loneliness.  The real question to ask yourself is – why do I have to be right?  Ask yourself in the middle of an argument – am I trying to be right or can we compromise?  It takes two people to argument, but one to make a change for the better.

 5.       What is your part?  Be honest, you do have a part – even if it is very small.  The quicker you can focus on your part in the argument, the quicker you will get to resolution.  When you discover your part, you are able to learn – how to avoid this in the future, or what is important to you or even, why this isn’t working?  With better information and clarity you are able to make healthier decisions that meet the needs of both of you instead of just one. 

 6.       Humor.  Yes, some arguments are very serious and some would argue jokes are not appropriate.  However, I am Irish as I have said (gallows’ humor for sure) and the quicker I can laugh about whatever, the better.  Once I was with my sister-in-law taking care of both our kids (four in all) and my husband was two hours late getting back from a bike ride with friends.  Over the couple hours he was late – I was getting more and more pissed off.  Finally he walks through the door and my sister-in-law greets him with, “Hey, “dead-man-walking” – good to see you upright?”  I just about wet my pants I was laughing so hard.  Yes, I was still angry, but no longer at the point of inflicting bodily injury…A warning though, not everyone appreciates this humor as I have lost a friend by making this very same joke with her husband.  Needless to say, it would have happened sooner or later as I don’t take life/events nearly as dramatically as she did.

 7.       Flexibility and letting go.  Once you discover you don’t have to be “right” or recognize your part in the argument, you become more flexible.  As much as I hate it – disagreements, arguments are opportunities to bring your relationship closer be it a friend or lover.  There is no one person on the planet who you would get along with always – not even a soul-mate or twin-flame.  There will be disagreements in life if only because each of us is a separate, thinking individual with our own unique perspective.  Arguments are an opportunity to learn about yourself and your partner – it just doesn’t feel like an opportunity in the heat of the moment.  So breathe.  Be open to learning new information and once peace/harmony has been restored, let go.  Holding grudges or continuing to stew about past arguments is about you – not the other person.  These negative feeling hurt you every day and even draw more arguments into your life.  If you are having trouble “letting go” try journaling, talking with other friends or possibly seek professional help with a life coach or therapist to discover how to let go or what is driving your unresolved feelings.

 These are just a few tips I have discovered thus far in my many years of marriage and working with clients.  May they serve you well. 

Here are just a few tips to make this summer fantastic…

 1.         Picnic and concert/play.  I began going to outside plays and concerts when I was a kid with my Mom.  I try to go at least once a summer now.  Big blanket, yummy food, setting sun and art – could there be anything better?

 2.         Beach.  Whether you go to the ocean, a lake or even a stream – get to a beach.  I don’t care how old you are – take your shoes off and dig your toes in the sand and suddenly you are a kid again.  If you really want to feel good, build a sand castle and feel the years slip away as you play…

 3.         Book.  Reading is a way to travel and explore without leaving the comfort of your hammock.  If you are looking for an excellent to read this summer – check out my book reviews where you can find anything from hysterically funny (Me talk Pretty One Day) to self-help (The Power of Intention) to lyrical (The God of Small Things.)

4.         A garden.  Ok, it could just be a small pot with some pansies or a massive vegetable garden, but grow something.  Digging in the dirt is calming your nerves and your soul.  And best of all – it’s addictive…I check on all my flowers every morning just to see who has bloomed today and for the past few years, we’ve grown lettuce on our deck – our own economic recession garden…

5.         Camping.  Try going camping for one night and don’t forget the smores fixings!  A camp fire is good for anyone’s soul and if you are a newbie at camping or haven’t been for a very long time – you are guaranteed to create memories that last…Just setting up the tent can afford opportunities to laugh for hours…

6.         Forgive.  Learn to forgive someone this summer – make up with a friend or family member that you feel estranged.  Guess what?  They feel just as crappy about having you missing from their life as you feel having them out of yours.  So send a funny card, make a phone call or even send an email – almost everyone longs to be forgiven and brought whole again.  Make it happen for you and maybe you will now have someone to go camping with…

7.         Summer Music.  I listen to IZ during the summer or any time I want to feel like I am on vacation.  If you haven’t started already, begin listening to “happy” music – anything that makes you feel light inside.  Reggae is always a happy choice.  And my latest favorite, Phoenix – let the dancing begin!

8.         Go skinny-dipping.  Nothing says summertime more then skinny-dipping.  Find a secluded spot and jump in – your body will thank you by feeling completely and joyfully alive.

9.         Pot Lucks.  I love getting together with friends, but can’t afford to throw as many parties as I would like – answer: pot lucks!  Everyone bring something and the party has begun with little financial investment from you.  Best of all – your guests will love it.  Instead of bringing a hostess gift, they can skip the flowers and bring something they like.  Everyone’s happy.

10.     Fall in love.  Falling in love is not just reserved for singles, I have been married more than ten years and joyfully I fall in love with my husband over and over…Maybe as we have a picnic or lay in the hammock entwined and reading, or as we dig our toes in the sand or even, when we forgive each other our imperfections and enjoy the beautiful life we have created together…

May these tips spark your own heart and help you to create a wonderful summer ahead.  Enjoy!

I bought this book as I was traveling – stuck in an airport as I recall and about to spend the next three hours sitting in a cramped seat – 5C – on the tarmac waiting for weather to pass and I barely noticed.  This book is absolute trash – like a soap opera and I loved it.

 I remembered the author from Sex and the City and thought; at least this will be funny – it was.  The characters are cutting and all-too-real.  Definitely gets you to thinking about what makes people tick and how one deed leads to another and another until you are down a road maybe you didn’t expect…

 This is a very light, amusing read that will keep you chuckles even in the worst of circumstances.     

I’m not sure you can teach happiness.  It’s really a by-product of listening to your heart, laughter or of even appreciating the beauty that surrounds you each day.  I’m not going to spin some ‘Polly-anna’ nonsense that every day could be sweet bliss.  Nope, it just doesn’t work that way, but what I can promise you is most days could be happy.

 It’s about where do you put your attention.  Do you focus on what you don’t have or what you do have?  Not sure – just try listening to yourself for a day.  Are you complaining or celebrating your life?  Are you pointing out the flaws in life, people, yourself?  Or are you noticing the leaves are just beginning to turn golden and fiery and maybe, just maybe that heralds in a more abundant time, a new beginning…

 What do you see?

The other day as I ate lunch in a café and two tables over sat a new couple.  The man was in his fifties with a sleek, fit physique and a silly soul patch on his chin.  His date – attractive, late twenties, yoga attired leaned in for a kiss.  Not a daughter kiss, but a real lingering kind.  I shuttered, ugh, get a room.

 Ok, yes, I might sound cruel, maybe a bit, but let me explain, I was that idiot girl dating too old men in my twenties.  I loved them, perfect dates – gentlemen, paid for everything.  We went to cool places and I was still an idiot.  Every stupid, idiotic “what-not-to-do” when dating mistake I have ever made happened while dating older men. 

 These are some of my favorites, “Oh no I don’t mind that you are two hours late, just calling now, to explain the business meeting rolled into supper so you wouldn’t be coming over after to all,” or “Sure, I like hot, burn the insides of your mouth food,” or “I know you were too busy with work/your kids to buy me a present for my birthday” and the capper, “of course, I understand you just had to sleep with your old lover when you were in China on business, thanks for your honesty…And since we’re being honest, I also slept with someone while I was in Ireland.”  True story, and happily the relationship crumbled after my statement of a ‘doormat no longer.’

 Every time I think of these stories I can not stop laughing – what was I thinking?  Who replaced the redhead when I wasn’t looking?  And then I recall where I was in my life at that time, I was sad.  I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship, heartbroken and penniless.  I was looking for someone to take care of me and here comes the divorced parade of forty-somethings.  I was easy pickings for awhile – I can’t deny it.  We all gained though – we were just borrowing. 

 These men were borrowing my youth, dare I say my ‘awe’ of them.  They had the answers – knew more, jez, they lived longer after all 15-20 years my senior.  Hence I let them lead without a word really…well, at least until Ireland then all bets were off again. 

 While I dated them, I was borrowing security, support, and honestly, escaping into another world.  I was playing house in some ways and then suddenly, it’s just was not that fun any more.  I didn’t want to borrow security from anyone and I certainly didn’t want to follow for the rest of my days. 

 The concept of borrowing was further emphasized when I read David Schnarch’s The Passionate Marriage where he discusses this borrowing phenomenon in all long-term couples. 

 So, as I glance over and see the overt signs of borrowing, I am also reminded of the three fingers pointing back at me.  What am I borrowing from my husband today?  Is it helping me or hurting me????

Maybe you are fighting with a spouse, a child, a parent or even a co-worker, guess what?  The problem is you.  I know this is annoying, but it’s true.

 Years ago, I would walk into my therapist office to report all the things my husband was doing wrong and the therapist would constantly redirect me back to myself – much to my annoyance.  Didn’t she get it?  If he would just do this different and that, then everything would be fine.  Uuuuummmmm, nope, she didn’t buy it and after awhile I understood.  The only, only person who is really going to make you happy is you.

 Now this doesn’t fit the fairy tail most of us bought with the castle and Prince Charming.  There is no one person as Jerry Maguire famously said, “who makes me complete.”  No, that’s a movie and this is real life.  You choose your thoughts and your life everyday.

 Now if you are rebelling right now, that’s good, because we are hitting close to the truth.  Let me give some examples of what I am suggesting…

 Say you are a stay-at-home parent and your mate is leaving you “stuck” with the kids/house while he/she goes out to work and sometimes play.  My question to you is, why aren’t you having any fun?  The reply of “who would take care of things” is not an answer but a set up.  Do you have a parent/child relationship with your spouse?  What role do you play? 

 Maybe your spouse is taking advantage of your kindness and guess who’s partly responsible for that dynamic? – yupe, you.  Why?  Because you are getting something out of this too – you get to be “better.” 

 Or maybe you go off to work and your partner has is so easy.  What do they do all day?  No stress, no schedule, get to exercise, no boss.  Can you feel the resentment building in this scenario???

 In marriage we make small concessions along the way to “take care of” our partner, however somewhere along the way we tend to get lost.  Our good intentions usually end up biting us in the bum later.  I wouldn’t say this is anyone’s fault as much as a natural course of learning and growing with another person. 

 What is interesting to note in the above scenarios is both are projections.  Although there is some truth in both situations, most of what binds us to a dysfunctional dynamic is “not enough.”  Not enough time, space, love, money, sleep, self-worth, sex…not enough, not enough me. 

 Hence, I invite you to look at your problems anew and discover what is your part and ask yourself, how can I take better care of me???