It took me months to open this book and I am glad I finally did.  I had picked it up in the Spring to read on vacation, but then I lost interest for awhile.  I had been scared off after re-reading the part about her Mother dying young on the back cover teaser…The story seemed more depressing then uplifting. 

 But somehow it traveled to the beach with me this summer and thank goodness, as The Ice Queen is a perfect beach read; light, thoughtful and surprising.  What surprised me about the book were the intriguing characters and plot twists.  The characters were complicated; no one is black and white.  Each of us has hidden parts that may shock those around us – “If they only knew…” we wonder silently. 

 I have always been drawn to plots where the world sees one thing and reality is so much stickier.  I like it because it reminds me to think in tones of gray.  To remember that there is a completely unknown back-story behind each person that motivates their behaviors every day.  The message to me is always the same – sometimes it is not about you.

 The narrator of the story is often seen jumping to hysterical conclusions as displayed when she spies on her sister-in-law late one night returning library books, or why her lover only wants to make love in the dark, or even the cause of her mother’s death.  The narrator’s inability to see beyond her own self-contempt blurs her perception of events – everyone doesn’t like her, she has no friends, she causes death…

 Surprisingly she does have friends and those who care for her, but she can not see it because of her own self-loathing.  Since she has not learned to take care of herself, she can not take care of her friendships or even a positive relationship with her brother.  The narrator transcends her hurts finally by stopping her self-punishment.  Unfortunately and of course, tragic events must unfold for the narrator to finally make peace with the past.

 However, a satisfying peace is made and lessons can be gleaned by any reader about perception and reality.  It is often a bit of both that creates the moments of your life, for better or worse…   

Everyone disagrees at some point or another, the trick is how to “discuss’ without resorting to name-calling, finger-pointing or personal attacks.  This may be easy with a store clerk, but with a spouse or friend things can get complicated quick.  These are a few tips this Irish, red-head has picked up through ten years of marriage and many clients…

 1.       Shut your mouth and listen.  Actually listen to the person you are in conflict with – do not plan your next verbal attack while the other person is speaking.  A way to force yourself to do this is to repeat back to the other person what their complaint is after him/her stops speaking.  For example, “I hear you are mad at me because I am late, correct?”

 2.       Walk away to take some time to settle down.  Sometimes whatever you are arguing about can be quite painful or upsetting and you may start feeling yourself becoming defensive and/or accusing – this is not going to lead to a positive outcome, so allow yourself some space to settle down.  Let your partner know you need some time to settle down and try to set up another time to discuss this later.  Doing this allows you to focus on the “real issues” instead of your “bad reactions” that may distract you from the “real issues.”  Some years ago when my husband and I were in marriage counseling, he would do something stupid/selfish and I would go ballistic.  It took us a long time to get to his very, real bad behaviors because my reactions would be so outrageous as to eclipse his negative behaviors.  I had to learn to settle myself down before/during discussions as to deal with the real issues.

 3.       Breathing.  Sometimes in the heat of an argument you may realize you are holding your breath or experiencing shallow breathing.  Stop speaking for a few moments and just breathe.  Use your breath to sooth yourself back down to more relaxed space – you will notice you can listen better and have more clarity after you regain your footing.

 4.       Do you want to be right or do you want to find common ground?  This is your ego wanting to “win” your arguments.  Being right all the time can ultimately lead to isolation and loneliness.  The real question to ask yourself is – why do I have to be right?  Ask yourself in the middle of an argument – am I trying to be right or can we compromise?  It takes two people to argument, but one to make a change for the better.

 5.       What is your part?  Be honest, you do have a part - even if it is very small.  The quicker you can focus on your part in the argument, the quicker you will get to resolution.  When you discover your part, you are able to learn - how to avoid this in the future, or what is important to you or even, why this isn’t working?  With better information and clarity you are able to make healthier decisions that meet the needs of both of you instead of just one. 

 6.       Humor.  Yes, some arguments are very serious and some would argue jokes are not appropriate.  However, I am Irish as I have said (gallows’ humor for sure) and the quicker I can laugh about whatever, the better.  Once I was with my sister-in-law taking care of both our kids (four in all) and my husband was two hours late getting back from a bike ride with friends.  Over the couple hours he was late – I was getting more and more pissed off.  Finally he walks through the door and my sister-in-law greets him with, “Hey, “dead-man-walking” – good to see you upright?”  I just about wet my pants I was laughing so hard.  Yes, I was still angry, but no longer at the point of inflicting bodily injury…A warning though, not everyone appreciates this humor as I have lost a friend by making this very same joke with her husband.  Needless to say, it would have happened sooner or later as I don’t take life/events nearly as dramatically as she did.

 7.       Flexibility and letting go.  Once you discover you don’t have to be “right” or recognize your part in the argument, you become more flexible.  As much as I hate it – disagreements, arguments are opportunities to bring your relationship closer be it a friend or lover.  There is no one person on the planet who you would get along with always – not even a soul-mate or twin-flame.  There will be disagreements in life if only because each of us is a separate, thinking individual with our own unique perspective.  Arguments are an opportunity to learn about yourself and your partner – it just doesn’t feel like an opportunity in the heat of the moment.  So breathe.  Be open to learning new information and once peace/harmony has been restored, let go.  Holding grudges or continuing to stew about past arguments is about you – not the other person.  These negative feeling hurt you every day and even draw more arguments into your life.  If you are having trouble “letting go” try journaling, talking with other friends or possibly seek professional help with a coach or therapist to discover how to let go or what is driving your unresolved feelings.

 These are just a few tips I have discovered thus far in my many years of marriage and working with clients.  May they serve you well.   

This past weekend, a friend and I were watching my son play.  We could not help but giggle and feel good as we witnessed him…He is five and very imaginative.  All his play is accompanied by the appropriate sounds – when he got on his bike, he let out a, “Hee-haw!!!” as he sped away and there is always a soft murmur of battles with exploding bombs and gunfire as he fights the galactic fleet with legos… 

I remarked to my friend, “That is being present – fully engaged in the moment.  Not worried about what if or is there enough – just being.  I remember that.  I love that.”

 I began reflecting on when I feel that way now in my life.  I feel this when I see clients, meditate, during sex, being in my garden…and what I realized – I need to work on this.  This feeling of presence – being in the moment without being distracted by anything else - well, I need more of that in others areas of my life as well…so, now I’ve been trying this experiment with myself.

 When I feel myself slipping out of the present by becoming anxious about the future, or bored, or even when I begin triggering about something – I think of my son and “Hee-haw!”  It reminds me to be right here, right now and most importantly, it reminds me to breathe – to settle myself in this moment.

 I invite you to watch some kids at play and discover if this is something to work on for yourself  – being present.  Identify an image (must be a positive, feel-good picture!) that works for you and begin connecting to this image in times you feel yourself not present or slipping from presence – you just might be surprised by what you discover!  Have fun and drop me a line if you have any questions or want to share your stories. 

This guided meditation focuses on connecting to your ideal body.  There is no perfect number, but there is a feeling of satisfaction.  This meditation offers support as you transform into your ideal self emotionally and physically.  Enjoy! 

Here are just a few tips to make this summer fantastic…

 1.         Picnic and concert/play.  I began going to outside plays and concerts when I was a kid with my Mom.  I try to go at least once a summer now.  Big blanket, yummy food, setting sun and art – could there be anything better?

 2.         Beach.  Whether you go to the ocean, a lake or even a stream – get to a beach.  I don’t care how old you are – take your shoes off and dig your toes in the sand and suddenly you are a kid again.  If you really want to feel good, build a sand castle and feel the years slip away as you play…

 3.         Book.  Reading is a way to travel and explore without leaving the comfort of your hammock.  If you are looking for an excellent to read this summer – check out my book reviews where you can find anything from hysterically funny (Me talk Pretty One Day) to self-help (The Power of Intention) to lyrical (The God of Small Things.)

 4.         A garden.  Ok, it could just be a small pot with some pansies or a massive vegetable garden, but grow something.  Digging in the dirt is calming your nerves and your soul.  And best of all – it’s addictive…I check on all my flowers every morning just to see who has bloomed today and this year, I am even going to grow lettuce on our deck – my own economic recession garden…

 5.         Camping.  Try going camping for a night and don’t forget the smores fixings!  A camp fire is good for anyone’s soul and if you are a newbie at camping or haven’t been for a very long time – you are guaranteed to create memories that last…Just setting up the tent can afford opportunities to laugh for hours…

 6.         Forgive.  Learn to forgive someone this summer – make up with a friend or family member that you feel estranged.  Guess what?  They feel just as crappy about having you missing from their life as you feel having them out of yours.  So send a funny card, make a phone call or even send an email – almost everyone longs to be forgiven and bought whole again.  Make it happen for you and maybe you will now have someone to camping with…

 7.         Summer Music.  I listen to IZ during the summer or any time I want to feel like I am on vacation.  If you haven’t started already, begin listening to “happy” music – anything that makes you feel light inside.  Reggae is always a happy choice.

 8.         Go skinny-dipping.  Nothing says summertime more then skinny-dipping.  Find a secluded spot and jump in – your body will thank you by feeling completely and joyfully alive.

 9.         Pot Lucks.  I love getting together with friends, but can’t afford to throw as many parties as I would like – answer: pot lucks!  Everyone bring something and the party has begun with little financial investment from you.  Best of all – your guests will love it.  Instead of bringing a hostess gift, they can skip the flowers and bring something they like.  Everyone’s happy.

 10.     Fall in love.  Falling in love is not just reserved for singles, I have been married almost ten years and joyfully I fall in love with my husband over and over…Maybe as we have a picnic or lay in the hammock entwined and reading or dig our toes in the sand or even, when we forgive each other our imperfections and enjoy the beautiful life we have created together…

May these tips spark your own heart and help you to create a wonderful summer ahead.  Enjoy! 

Recently a client asked, “How do you create a sacred space for meditation and quiet.”  These are some tips to create your own sacred space be it an entire room or a small shelf.

 I like to think of sacred spaces as being attached to your senses…

 1.       Visual - Color.  Colors trigger emotional responses from the inside.  Think of it, seeing “red” when you are angry or feeling “blue” when you are sad.  Try painting the sacred space or even the shelf, a calming color to help “queue” your internal response to “relax.”  My office is painted a gorgeous, blue-lavender hue and often my clients will comment how it feels like walking into Springtime upon entering the room…Use color as a way to sooth yourself, instead revving it up.

2.       Smell – Palo Santo and candles.  Whenever I smell burning Palo Santo, Holy Wood, I am instantly connected to divine peace. It smells like nature and mother earth to me.  I like lighting candles and Palo Santo before I meditate or spend time in my sacred space.  I’ve created my own ritual of sorts.  By lighting candles and burning holy wood, I intentionally mark a transition into my sacred space.  This in turn, creates a higher vibration thus more “sacred space.”

3.       Touch – images and photos.  I like to think of this as more about “touching” your heart then physical touch.  What are some images that immediately calm you when you look at them?  Mother Mary?  Angels? Frogs?  Pretty knit-knacks from long ago adventures?  Friends?  Anything that you adorn your sacred space with must be centered in love and tranquility.  Your sacred space is yours alone, a place that speaks to your own heart quietly.  Be creative and even open to what is important…Maybe a favorite rock or two will show up.

4.       Taste – water.  I like balance in sacred spaces.  Water balances fire - candles.  Water nourishes us.  It reminds us to be flexible and that our emotions can be fluid like the ocean.  I have a wonderful Kuan Yin statue that drips water.  Kuan Yin is an Eastern goddess focused on compassion for self and others.  (Kind of like the Mother Mary of the East without the virgin-birth story attached.)  Some clients leave small bowls of water with flower blossoms floating in their meditation spaces to keep the energy fresh.  A nice fountain can also do the trick which also leads to the last tip - sounds.

5.       Hearing – what are you listening to?  This is where things can be interesting…Are you listening to guided meditations?  Great, but what else?  Are you quiet in this space sometimes?  Have you opened the windows to hear what is going on outside – birds?  Have you tried listening to ocean sounds or relaxing music while you are sitting in your sacred space or looking at your shelf?  Try some different things and you will discover how your sacred space can support you in many ways.

 These are just a few suggestions to help you create your own sacred space.  I bet if you look around already in your life today, you can see that you’ve have already gathered your “sacred” tools…It’s really just you allowing yourself the space to blossom. 

Why are some people happy and others not?  There are certain factors that contribute to one’s ability to be “happy” under most circumstances.  These are a few…

 1.         Flexibility.  The old saying “once you make a plan, God laughs,” has proven true time and time again in my own life.  Being able to adjust to changing life events, even as minor as dinner plans, with flexibility and ease leads directly to happiness.  Why?  Flexibility means forsaking control – willingly.  Quite a feat to be sure, but a gift - only to be received if you are willing to give up control first.    

 2.         Don’t take it personally.  As my father wisely once said, “Some people are just a@@holes.”  You can be assured in your life that your will encounter some real “pains in the bottom”, difficult situations, unfairness, and other assorted crap.  Promise.  And the person sitting next to you, same thing.  The same goes with any other person you meet in your life too.  We are all stumbling through at times.  So, relax, take a breath and imagine what you would like to happen in whatever situation is causing you difficulty.  Focusing on what you want enables you to emerge from any frustration with clarity.

 3.         Humor.  Once you are able to either laugh at yourself or whatever the situation, you bring lightness to your heart.  Laughter feels good.  Watch funny movies, read amusing books, talk to a friend who always makes you laugh, go bowling.  Just by adding more laughter to your life and you will notice, gently a quiet lightness entering your thoughts and being.

 4.         Positive attitude.  I am not suggesting to live like some annoying, over-the-top Polly-Anna, but to live your life on the foundation that, “all is well.”  This isn’t to deny there are problems or tragedies in life, but it does focus on solutions instead of the difficulties.

 5.         Gratitude.  Happy people are reminded each day of their blessings – the good and the difficult.  As much as it drives me nuts, challenges are opportunities.  Opportunities to learn, to grow and most importantly, to know yourself better.  True gratitude is born out of compassion – just as much for yourself as others.

 6.         Confidence.  Not swaggering, but a calm knowing of ones own abilities.  Confidence also means knowing you will stumble on occasion, but the confident person knows not to make a habit of it. 

 7.         Presence.  Happy people live right now, in this moment – not dreaming about yesterday or fantasying about tomorrow.  Here and now - laughing about the things that others might be frustrated by, and knowing all is well… 

 8.         Choice.  All happy people know happiness is a choice.  Some days it’s easier to be happy, while other days may be a bit more of a struggle.  However, knowing that you have the choice to lift yourself up or push yourself down – often leads to better decisions.

 Happiness is not derived from one isolated event, but by attitudes and beliefs.  Gratefully, like choice, each of us has the power to change our attitudes and beliefs with time and attention. 

 Happiness isn’t for someone else, it’s for you.  It is for each one of us to sink deeply into the happiness of this moment, however mundane the pleasures.  May you discover happiness already waits for you, deep within.  

There are sure signs of post vacation blues – the fading suntan, irritability, peeling skin, a far-off glassy look in the eyes – it’s all there.  Yupe, that’s me – post vacation blues.

 I want to go back to the beach where my most pressing issues of the day were; should we have breakfast in bed or at the café?  Trashy magazine or book?  Which bikini?  I’m about ready to cry right now thinking about it…Ughhhh.

 Ok, I know I’m blessed.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am grateful to get away and all that…It’s just - coming back from vacation reveals to me how I long to travel more. I miss water more acutely as we travel back to land-locked Colorado.

 When I am absorbed in my daily life – mom, work, wife…Traveling seems like a luxury for someone else, some far off life…and then I find myself on a beach.  I slip into the “other life.”  The cool life, without meals to fix, dishes to wash…without responsibilities.  Before the children.

 About the fourth day on vacation I begin missing the children, my home, my kitchen and the on fifth day I’m ready to go back.  A joyful return happens, gifts for the kids, the clothes are washed and a few days pass…Then - post vacation blues.

 I don’t want to make any meals – where is Hector?  Isn’t someone coming by to pick up the towels?  Why is it not 84 degrees outside?  Is someone coming by with my afternoon snack?  And I realize what I like about vacation is becoming a kid again.  I know my blues today really stem from a mild resentment as I’ve slipped into the adult again.  Driving the car, cooking, answering to the title, “Mommy.”

 Yes, I have heard all the “new-age talk” - bring vacation into your every day life.  Whatever.  If this was truly possible, why would you need a vacation?  Vacations to me are like “postcards” – a snapshot of a unique moment in time, both good and bad.  It’s ok that vacations hold a little glamour, little magic still.    

 What I really think needs to happens is more vacations…How ‘bout Disney in the fall?  Isn’t there some money from the government coming soon?  Ummm, I’m feeling better already.  Where to stay???

This is a “chick” book and I loved it.  If you’re twenty-two or seventy-two, you will find yourself reflected back in the characters of this book.  Each character has there own separate voice that sometimes, as in life, strays from the ideal we each set in our minds… 

Actually this is my favorite part of the book…viewing the prism each character interprets their experience and how this certain prism impacts the “truth.”  We see the surface of behaviors and then pull back the curtain to discover “the hurts” driving each character. 

 While I read, I was reminded that each of us can only view the other in part, much is hidden.  It is the hidden parts that must be revealed and brought out into the light for peace to be found…As in the main character Georgia’s stubborn, proud attitudes that kept her from opening letters her lover’s, James, sent years before.  How often to do each of us create upsetting events, even words in our minds that never come to pass?   

 These characters are sometimes frustrating in their self-sabotage, but isn’t that the truth of it?  Isn’t each of us truly our own worst critic?  Judge and jury?  Making assumptions based on our own fears and hurts instead of stepping back and viewing the full picture. 

 What helps to soften the self-sabotage is humor.  The book is funny and insightful.  The characters often poke fun at their own faults and of each other too.  It feels very natural and human. 

 Best of all, this book of complicated emotions and behaviors doesn’t end with your traditional happy ending.  Like life, it’s good and bad…and even sometimes, seemingly unfair.  Happy reading!   

I read this book on New Year’s Eve/Day and I was surprised.  My husband had given the book to me as a Christmas gift.  I had never heard of it before, but my husband has a way of knowing my heart – so I gave it a try…

 Interestingly, I really enjoyed the book when I read it and have referred several friends and clients to it, but now that I look at the book in hand – again, I’m surprised…Upon my first reading a couple months ago, I was fascinated by her many different techniques to bring intuition and spirit more present in you life.  I still am and think some techniques are very useful.

 However, as I look at the chapter titles, I remember nothing of her words, her beliefs.  Well, actually one part of her writing does stand out and always will – her discovered root meaning of the word magic is “to bring light to.”  Being also a lover of words and magic – this definitely resonated with me and gave her writing voice authority as I continued to read.

 I don’t think less of the book; I am just reminded that what is important will rise up.  Yes, now that I reflect further, she did reveal a bit about her life and how she came to her beliefs, but it is the techniques to incorporate magic into your daily life that is the importance of the writing.

 I encourage anyone interested in living a more magical life to read this book and even try out a few of her techniques – like me, you will be surprised.