WTF kind of question is that, right?  There is no allusive “normal.”  Each marriage has it’s own unique rules and unspoken boundaries of behavior.  The real questions to be answered; are you happy?  Is your marriage working?  What can you do to make it better today?

 It’s time to stop looking over the fence at someone else’s life with envy – sure the grass may look greener over there, but it could be just a trick of lighting or it could be that over the fence, they have been working at it…Happy marriages don’t occur like magic – time, compromise, forgiveness and commitment create the foundation for a lasting, fulfilling marriage.  It’s complicated.

 Each person enters a marriage with flaws – that’s everyone, there are no perfect people.  True love and intimacy is not created from a string of good times linked together.  No, real intimacy/love is discovered when you see not only your own faults, but your partner’s too and it’s still ok.  Can you love yourself and your partner flaws and all? 

This isn’t easy. 

 Some flaws are ‘deal-breakers’ – violence, abuse, etc…but in most cases people are being human – fools one day, and saints the next.  Whatever your biggest issue is with your partner, it’s actually about you not them.  When you look at the issue again – what truth reflects back?  What’s your stuff?

 For example an old fight my husband and I had for several years of was about time – he always ran late.  I can’t tell you how many arguments we had about this and ultimately I discovered the final solution – I had to let go of time.  What???  How can this be??  He’s late.

 Well first, let’s begin with reality – he ran usually about half hour late, getting home around 6 – 6:15 pm.  I thought he should be home at 5:30 pm, he agreed in word but not deed.  Hence each day had a built in argument as I would watch the clock for tardiness every afternoon.  I could feel the anxiety begin rising about 4 pm and it would spiral up with varied unhappy outcomes.

 Then I got a clue – a friend challenged my version of reality – where did I get this magic time to be home by?  Ummm, well that’s what a happy family looks like, right?  Supper on the table by 6 pm, tubby time, story books and bed.  Her response – who do you know that really looks like this?  Ummm, nobody. 

 Her response – sounds like you have to change the picture to make it work.  Thunderbolt – I was holding onto an ‘idea’ of what it looks like to be a happy family, because my own childhood was so chaotic.  It was a picture I create from a wounded place.

 I had to let go of my imagined magic time for his arrival and decided to call a friend at 5pm instead of getting angry, again.  I began distracting myself from the time each day.  When my husband sailed in around 6pm, I was fine, no arguments, easy.

 Here’s the funny thing, my husband started coming home earlier and he became annoyed that I would be chatting on the phone instead of waiting for him…He was used to fighting every day about something, so if I didn’t start it, he would.  Deep breathing all around and some clear communication helped us get out of this dynamic. 

 Of course the issue of time still comes up, but now I see it for what it is – control.  If I control time, I control life – in reality, not so much. 

 But really, let’s get back to you – Are you Happy with your partner?  What are you struggling with in your marriage/relationship and do you need to change your picture?

Almost every morning I pull three cards from my Goddess Divination deck.  I like to see whose energy is around and it opens another pathway to peace.  I really use it as daily guidance and support.

This morning I pulled Abundantia, a favorite, along with Kuan Yin and Mary Magdalene.  I was surprised – abundance coupled with love and stillness.  Abundance and stillness?  I always think of abundance as action, not stillness.  Something has to be off – I pull another card – Sige, quiet time.  I laugh out loud, ok, Spirit I hear you – love, stillness and abundance.

I sit down and look around at where I am at this moment.  I am sitting in the life I created from deep within.  We’ve just moved back home to Vermont to a gorgeous home on the lake.  It’s stupid – fantastic.  Beyond expectation.  I look at the fire I lit early this morning in the sitting room fireplace.  I feel it nourish my soul.  I’m so tired and I can just lay my head down on the sofa…I do. 

I smile from deep within – love, abundance and stillness.  Right here, right now, no far off place, but here today.  Grace surrounds me and I sit sink deeply into peace…

Sure, at first glance it would seem these two women have very little in common, but let’s look again: both were too young when one afternoon their lives changed forever; both were strong & independent; and both were fiercely loyal. 

Scarlett was my first hero.  I read Gone With the Wind probably six times before I was eighteen.  I loved that Scarlett was tough as nails all the while looking gorgeous and batting her eyelashes.  I instantly connected to her love of the land – her red earth…Obviously the Irish thing was a huge pull, but I loved that Scarlett grew-up too.  Her heart and its wantings changed with time and age.

Like Scarlett, I didn’t appreciate the value of female friendships until after I had had children – women were always competition before. Take Melanie – she was no simpering fool although she often appeared helpless due to her poor health, but time and time again she supported Scarlett when no other would.  In contrast Ashley appeared to be noble, forthright and strong, but really he was just an anchor to the past instead of the rock Scarlett first perceived him to be.  Melanie was the rock…and Scarlett.

Scarlett would do anything, say anything to protect her beloved Tara and what was hers.  Of course there were costs in this.  Things were sticky – to save Tara and give her family a home, she married her sister’s fiancée.  She stole him really, all while penniless and gorgeous in her new green, velvet dress, a.k.a. the parlor drapes.  How could you not love her???

Mother Mary wasn’t so easy for me to attach to initially.  First off – the story of a virgin birth, can we say tramp?  Cover-up?  It took me years to allow the possibility of this story – the leap of faith.  I had to come to understand the teachings and environment of these stories.  I discovered there was much more space in the details of the events. 

As you may know Jesus was a Jew and his story was originally told by spoken word through his disciples – something akin to a Rabbi.  Well, one forgets that the Rabbi told stories and allegories to teach their followers – the details were shifted a bit to keep the story interesting and connect to audience they spoke before.  They were, in many cases, the entertainment of the day.

For example, Jesus was forever going off for 40 days – to the desert, in isolation, whatever, but did he go off for forty days?  Back then, when someone said, “forty days,” it just meant a long time.  The audience then knew this; however it is us, the exact interpreters that need things to be black and white.  This taught me about flexible thinking…but I digress, back to Mary. 

Mary has always challenged me not only by the virgin birth, but also, how could she just stand there during the crucifixion of Jesus?  How could she not shout out, “Stop, stop, take me.  Take me, please, please, take me…”  What kind of mother was she???

It took me years to discover she was exactly the kind of mother I strive to be everyday.  She supported her son and the decisions he made for his life because she trusted him…and God.  This was Jesus’ life and she stood by, faithfully until the end. 

How could she deny the truth of what Jesus predicted to unfold?  Hadn’t she also heard Gabriel announce her own difficult path?  How many called her a tramp as she walked by? Perhaps her village shunned her…but she accepted her path and held fast to her own truth.  How could her child do less when so called?  And again, where else would Mary be, but at Jesus’ feet as he shouted out his last? 

I believe, Mary knew the glory to be on the other side for Jesus.  You see, Mary knew magic and miracles every day – every time she saw Jesus’ smile she was reminded how real they truly are…

There you have it – Scarlett and Mary, my two heroines of tales gone by, who guide me each day to a brand new tomorrow, where possibilities unfold and magic is surely lurking just beyond…

Who are your heroes???

Here is the bitch of it: for all my understanding and faith in a higher power – life is still not fair sometimes. Negativity and depression beat a path to everyone’s door at some point – so tonight join us on Indie Spirit Blogtalk to learn tools to learn from and transcend negativity and depression.  Chat, laugh, meditate – feel BETTER.  Tonight 6 pm MST

Are you running into the same old Patterns?  Instead of getting stuck in a negative spiral of, “Why me?”  Discover how to ask yourself, “What for?” and find real solutions.Join us tonight on http://www.blogtalkradio.com/indieonair for solutions, meditation, laughs and you just may learn something.  Also discussing Mercury Retrograde and You!

You want to transform your life?  Try guided meditation.  Why?  To transform your life, you must first change your thoughts and that’s the rub – how to change your thoughts from what is not working to what is…and again I answer with guided meditation.

Guided meditation helps create the space within yourself to identify thoughts that are not working and replacing them with new thought patterns that enhance your life.  Meditation isn’t a quick fix, but a foundation for real transformation

Several years ago I went to a lecture by Marianne Williamson.  A person in the audience wanted her guidance on why her life wasn’t getting any better.  This person had struggled with eating disorders and depression in the past, but she just couldn’t quite find her way out.  Williamson asked her what she was doing to help herself.  The woman responded with, “I go to therapy and have asked God to help me.” 

Williamson responded, “Not enough.”  I was stunned.  Then Williamson continued, “If you had a failing liver, you would be taking medicines every day, where is your medicine for your ailment today?  Not a once a week plan, but every day?  Changing your life isn’t something you do a couple times a week, but every day.”  Williamson suggested specific prayer (she’s a proponent of A Course In Miracles) and meditation as a place to start.

I absolutely and whole-hearted agree with Williamson – transformation doesn’t happen overnight, but as a result of many steps.  This is not to say transformation is difficult as much as it is a habit – some habits are easier than others to change.  To change a habit,  first identify something to replace it with.  For instance, you’ll see a lot of quitting smokers chewing gum.

For many people, their bad habit is how they are thinking about themselves or life, i.e. I’m unlovable or life is unfair, there’s never enough money.  Both these thoughts cripple the individual and manifest incident after incident in their own lives to valid these negative beliefs.  So like the smoker that quits cigarettes, one must quit negative thinking, but what to replace it with?  Guided meditation allows you to replace negative thought patterns with ones of success and peace. 

Try falling asleep to guided meditation and discover for yourself how these new ideas slip into your dreams and your language easily and effortlessly.  Whenever I am needing a little extra support I listen to I Meet Success or I am Safe.  Guided Meditation has transformed my life, how ‘bout you?

This morning I read a story about the Taliban in Afghanistan killing a pregnant widow for adultery.  She was whipped 200 times before she was shot in the head and chest.  The man who performed the brutal acts walked away free – after all she was just a woman.

The Taliban shot a seven-year-old boy last week for being a spy and this past weekend shot 10 aid workers who the Taliban claim were spreading Christianity.  How can this be?  How can these kind of backward violent actions still happen in so-called modern society?

I read a book last year on the building of the Taj Mahal.  It was a fascinating cultural glimpse into a land I knew so little about.  Probably the most stunning take-away was how little life was valued.  People were slaughtered without worry or real consideration regularly.  A small, elite group ruled with an iron fist and frankly it seems little has changed in this part of the world.

It also made me realize I would never be able to truly understand these cultures because it’s in complete opposition to my thinking – life is sacred and we are all to live abundant lives in freedom and peace. 

So are we supposed to send more soldiers to rescue the innocent?  I don’t know, I hate what is happening there and I also know we in the West will never fully grasp their society.  Part of the culture is one of oppression and cruelty but I’m betting there is also more to the story too.  I’m betting it’s not just some men who want to keep their cultures the same.  I bet there are a lot of women there as well who believe this is how it is supposed to be. 

We as Americans can not parachute into another culture and expect to really grasp all the facts immediately. I don’t know what the answer is in Afghanistan.  Good, kind, courageous people are dying because they are willing to try to make a better way, even at the cost of life.  And I am grateful that 200 plus years ago, brave men and women decided they needed to break free of British tyranny here in this country. 

And that is probably where the answer lay – with the people.  

What is the difference between loneliness and solitude?  One is an experience of sorrow and the other replenishment.  Why?  Simply – you.  Yupe, it’s not pretty and you may want to rebel, but it’s true.  You create your reality through choices and the thoughts/beliefs you focus on each day. 

But here’s the good news – you can make a shift.  Being alone doesn’t have to equal lonely.  Here are a few tips to help you connect to the rejuvenation found in solitude.

1.    Rest.  I bet you are exhausted and you don’t even know it because you have always been this way.  Lay down on the floor or grass and feel your body supported by the earth.  Close your eyes and breathe in deeply.  Shift your legs gently from side to side – feel yourself really connected to the earth.  Rest.

2.    Read.  Not a magazine, a book.  Fall into another world and give yourself a break from reality.  Explore the world from your favorite armchair…

3.    Journal.  Write about anything and everything.  Instead of keeping your thoughts, fears and dreams locked within – let go.  Thoughts spinning in your mind can trap you into fear, but brought into the light – things can be hashed out. 

4.    Arts.  Draw, paint, play musical instruments – be creative.  When you participate in the arts, you allow your incessantly thinking mind to stop.  If you believe you can’t draw – get a coloring book.  Relax and play.

5.    Nature.  Go for a walk or hike and really examine the path around you.  Do you see any animals?  Are the leaves falling?  How does the ground feel beneath your feet?  Can you smell the changing seasons?  Sink into this moment with all your senses. 

6.    Meditate.  Meditation is a pathway to transformation – changing your thoughts does change your life. 

7.    Garden.  Nothing is more grounding or nourishing then hands in the dirt.  Just because the weather has shifted does not mean the growing season has ended – bulbs.  Plant bulbs outside for spring and indoors for beauty.  Try paperwhites and amaryllis in glass vases and enjoy the magic of new life unfold right before your eyes.

8.    Be still.  Sit by a window and see what is happening in your own backyard.  Does the yard need attention?  Are there any animals?  Birds?  How do you feel within as you look out?  What thoughts pop in?  Are they lifting you up or pushing yourself down?  Can you gently, kindly make a shift?

Of course there are moments when we may feel lonely, but when these moments stretch into a way of being – unhappiness and isolation are the result.  It does not have to be this way…It begins with you.

Something akin to the hell found in the movie Groundhog Day.  Every day is spent making beds, cleaning bathrooms, freshening towels, vacuuming…I have either slipped into a twin 1950’s marriage or I am in fact in hell. 

More exciting than the hell of cleaning, is the buyers – who have discovered it’s a buyer’s market and some of whom would like to steal your home.  I never understood how the foreclosure market would negative affect the prices until now…

What I have discovered in the process of selling our home is responsibility.  Have you ever read the book, The Little Prince?  It is one of my favorite books because it speaks to the responsibility of taming or loving something.  Once something becomes yours, you are responsible for taking care of it.  If you can no longer take care of it, you must find a way for someone else to care for it.  That is our home.

If we were to accept one of these low-ball offers we would hurt the energy of our home.  Foreclosure houses tend not to have good energy – how could they?  Too much stress and anxiety locked inside.  Hence I have all these buyers wanting to buy my house at a foreclosure/avoid bankruptcy prices – they see it as the same house physically.  However they are not the same houses – you get what you pay for.  There are no deals, because you are buying a life.

Look at the history of a house – how many times has it flipped?  Foreclosure houses tend to flip a lot – the ‘deal’ the buyers got on the front end will be their problem on the other side.  It could be as simple as placement.  Is the house at the top/end of road?  Interestingly this is a horrible energy pattern – the energy of the road flows directly into the house constantly.  Hence the house/inhabitants can never get grounded enough to make it work…

Our house is a home.  It is energetically excellent with color, scent, layout, comfort and lush, abundant gardens.  It has been the support our family has needed to refresh, cradle and ultimately launch us into another adventure that is something akin to stepping into a fairy tale (more about that in a few weeks…) 

It was the same for the previous owners and I will not give this house less.  Our buyers are not looking for a steal, but a home that will cradle them.  In this safety, dreams unfold and manifest into reality.  Here in this house, our family began living an enchanted life, unbelievably blessed and magical truly (got the medical miracles and passport vacations to prove it!)  So we wait, knowing the new family is coming – we are just holding their place a little longer…Frankly I can’t wait to meet them, because I know what waits for them…peace, warmth, beauty, family, love, healing, laughter and abundance.  And so it is.

Looking for daily inspiration?  Join my Facebook page, The Indie Spirit, to connect to others and feel good.  Each week I co-host a radio show about all things Spirit with Jeff “Classic” Popka on http:www.blogtalkradio.com/indieonair.  It’s Thursday evening 6pm MST – we meditate, discuss, answer call-in questions – everything from matters of the heart to career guidance to connecting to peace.  Hope you can join us.