Here is the bitch of it: for all my understanding and faith in a higher power – life is still not fair sometimes.  How can this be?  Where is my God from the 1^st Testament?  A righteous and violent God who punishes those who sin?  Then I remember rainbows…God gave up leveling communities with floods and plagues in the 1^st Testament, instead offering rainbows as a sign of his infinite love.  Personally, some days I long for the Bad-ass God…

 I try to comfort myself with the belief, “I can only see in part, You see all.”  Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn’t.  I am reminded of Jesus on the cross crying of for his father near the end…I know that desperation, the fear of being abandoned as you know in your heart you have done all that has been required of you, yet still you hang on the cross, pushed to the outside.  How can this be?   

“I can only see in part…”

Sometimes one of the hardest things to do is to listen to your inner voice.  You know that voice, the one that tells you if something is a good idea or not.  Unfortunately, sometimes our heads or our egos get in the way of the listening to that little voice…

 How many times have you thought – if I had just listened to that little voice instead of thinking too much or just pushing through?  Like taking “one last run” on a ski day only to get hurt?  Or just having a bad feeling about something, but doing it anyway only leading to mishaps?

 Several years ago I came face to face with the consequence of not listening to that little voice.  I was on vacation with a couple of girlfriends in Maui and two of us decided to wake up early the first morning go swimming with wild dolphins.

 We were excited when we got to the local beach early and spotted several dolphins out past the waves.  What we also noticed was the size of the waves – they were huge.  At the waters edge, I said I was not going in and my friend kind of looked at me shocked.  I had heard that little voice telling me to stay on the beach, but then I did a funny thing – I went in anyway.

 Not ten feet out, I knew I was in trouble.  I was being sucked down by the undertow.  I couldn’t stay up, one wave after another pushed me down and all I could think was, “Kelly, this is so stupid.  You knew not to go into the water and your Irish got you into this.  You have two beautiful children at home and this is your choice?”  Needless to say I was pissed at myself, swearing at my stupidity and then the survivor stepped in. 

 I saw a large rock over to my left and I knew if I got there I could at least catch my breath and decide how to get back to shore.  Somehow I got to the rock and clung.  Over and over I keep thinking about God and the hymnal words, “clinging to the rock.”  I smiled and knew it was going to be alright – I was clinging to my rock, my God.  I caught my breath and managed somehow to dash myself against the rocks at the water’s edge.  Thus I made it to shore, be it battered, bleeding and shaken. 

 When I finally made it out of the water, a healer I did not know happened to be on shore waiting for me and my oh my, the scolding I received!  I didn’t even say a word and in she started, “Kelly, what are you doing? You have work to do here – people need you.  You heard the voice, now you have to listen better.  What are you thinking?  You know you have important work to do…”  On and on she lectured until she knew I was properly chastised.  Then she had me smelling flowers and walking barefoot to try to get back into my body.  It worked and I never saw her again after that day.

 I was shaken that morning on the beach, and honestly I think still am, but in a good way.  I listen better.  I heard that voice years ago on the beach but I ignored it.  I made a choice - yes, free will.  We always, always have choices that can either lift ourselves up or push ourselves down.  We decide over and over every day.

 Interestingly, I think I made the right decision to go into the water that day.  The lessons I learned from that experience were profound and have always stayed with me - for the better.  It was terrifying and life-affirming in the ocean.  I learned to trust my inner voice.  It had been there all along, guiding me, but I chose not to listen.  Now, I choose to listen.   

This meditation connects you to gratitude.  Recently while on vacation at the beach, I was overcome by a feeling of gratitude for the beautiful life I lead.  Problems seem so small next to a vast ocean with the sun’s rays shining down.   

Come, join me and connect to new beginnings with the Sun’s Energy… 

This past weekend, a friend and I were watching my son play.  We could not help but giggle and feel good as we witnessed him…He is five and very imaginative.  All his play is accompanied by the appropriate sounds – when he got on his bike, he let out a, “Hee-haw!!!” as he sped away and there is always a soft murmur of battles with exploding bombs and gunfire as he fights the galactic fleet with legos… 

I remarked to my friend, “That is being present – fully engaged in the moment.  Not worried about what if or is there enough – just being.  I remember that.  I love that.”

 I began reflecting on when I feel that way now in my life.  I feel this when I see clients, meditate, during sex, being in my garden…and what I realized – I need to work on this.  This feeling of presence – being in the moment without being distracted by anything else - well, I need more of that in others areas of my life as well…so, now I’ve been trying this experiment with myself.

 When I feel myself slipping out of the present by becoming anxious about the future, or bored, or even when I begin triggering about something – I think of my son and “Hee-haw!”  It reminds me to be right here, right now and most importantly, it reminds me to breathe – to settle myself in this moment.

 I invite you to watch some kids at play and discover if this is something to work on for yourself  – being present.  Identify an image (must be a positive, feel-good picture!) that works for you and begin connecting to this image in times you feel yourself not present or slipping from presence – you just might be surprised by what you discover!  Have fun and drop me a line if you have any questions or want to share your stories. 

Do you ever feel like you are emotionally spinning?  Maybe you have just had a difficult encounter with a relative or even a friend?  You may be able to identify – this person drives me nuts, but the real question is, why?  Why has this person been able to affect you?  Chances are you have been “triggered.”

 “Triggering” happens when some hidden emotional response is activated.  My in-laws are professionals at this by using guilt to trigger emotional responses.  For example, my husband’s parents will “talk” about each sibling to the other siblings trying to get them to speak to each other…”Oh, so-and-so, really does want to be more involved with your life, but he just doesn’t feel like you care enough…”  This is an attempt by someone on the outside to “trigger” or force events in a certain way.

 Even though my in-laws intentions are to bring the family closer, their manipulations stall any positive outcomes and actually inject more distance within the family structure.

 Often you can identify “triggering” by how you feel inside…When someone or something is “triggering” you, you may feel a tightness in your stomach or chest.  Your breathing may change.  Things may feel more emotionally intense or you may even feel cornered into a certain defensive reaction.  You are being “triggered.” 

 Now, no matter how well-adjusted and balanced you are today, each of us gets “triggered” every now and then.  The trick is not to fear being triggered, but to manage your reaction to whatever happens to illicit an emotional response.  So the real trick is, how to stop triggering? 

 You “trigger” because some place inside of you is feeling under attack.  For example, my in-laws use guilt to “trigger” the idea of “being a good son, brother – a good son would call his brothers, visit more, etc.”  The fact is my in-laws miss their family and want them to be close.  Instead of stating this desire or want, they use manipulation to “make” it happen.  They use passive aggressive tactics to avoid themselves getting “hurt” because when you overtly state your desires and wants to others, you make yourself vulnerable.  You give others choice - they can choose to say, “No, I don’t want to do that,” and then what? 

 So, how to get from, “they drive me crazy - triggering,” to witnessing what is really going on, i.e. the in-laws miss their family.  One technique I discovered years ago is “writing with God.”    

 Whenever you are feeling uncertain about things or are triggering, get a few sheets of paper out and begin writing with God. 

 For example:

 Kelly:  I hate my in-laws.  They f*&5ing suck.  If I have to hear another passive aggressive crap out of their mouth, etc…

God: Yes, they do suck.

Kelly:  Yeah, they really suck. Why are they so crazy?  Who tortures grown children this way?  Etc, etc…

God: Kelly, they are sad and miss something that is lost to them. Etc…

 (Notice rational voice begins entering the conversation in opposition to ego-centered defensive response.)

 The fact is your ego is the “triggered” response.  Using this technique allows you to release all your negative thoughts and comments – your ego defense, instead of the usual biting your lip and stuffing all these words deep inside.  By using this technique, you are able to release your own negative reactions, thus begin to detach and witness truth – your highest self, your God-response is brought forth.  This “higher” place is present inside you right now, waiting to lift you up, but first you have to release your “triggered-ego” by acknowledging the hurt and pain that is present first. 

 Give it a try…you will be surprised to discover your highest self is waiting, inside you right now, waiting to help you transform your life.  Your highest self is the path to happiness and peace everyday.  The choice is yours.

Years ago my father introduced me to a tradition that was able to bring peace into our relationship.  My parents divorced when I was about ten years old and my Dad moved south, far away from me.  We really didn’t speak often as my parents had one of those horrendous divorces.  I probably saw him a half a dozen times before heading to college in Burlington, VT.

 Needless to say, we did not have much in common and frankly, I kept myself slightly aloof from him as he left long ago…During college he began making attempts to be a part of my life.  He would take me skiing with my boyfriend, send money finally and call more often.   

One memorial weekend he asked me if I would like to do the graves with him.  Strangely enough that was one place we both liked to go – cemeteries.  We both liked wandering around old graveyards reading headstones and admiring the artistry of the marble works.   

 My Dad grew up in Middlebury, VT.  Most of that side of the family still lives there and our relatives are buried in several different cemeteries in the area.  I agreed, not really knowing what I was getting into.  He picked me up early that Sunday morning and I looked in the backseat to see all kinds of supplies – gardening tools, cups and to my surprise, chilled champagne. 

 We began chatting about where we were going first and my Dad started telling stories.  He loves telling stories, but this time the stories were of friends he had lost in Vietnam, Uncles wounded in WWII and scandalous adventures of my family I never knew.  I laughed, really laughed and I saw my father for the first time as more than the man that left.

 He was flawed certainly, but he was trying.  Trying to become a family again.  I saw for the first time how young he was when my parents got married and I found compassion that was not there before. 

 At each grave we cleared away the weeds, and planted pansies and marigolds.  We offered champagne toasts and funny stories to those long gone.  Quietly, without knowing when, a gentle peace had slipped into my Dad and my relationship.

 I finally had come to love my father again.  I realized wasn’t abandoned any longer.  I had found my way back to him and this family through the memories and stories of those long past.  That day, together, we found peace again in pansies and laughter.  This peace has made all the difference and I am grateful. 

Happy Memorial Day!  May peace find each of us.

Trust.  The word “trust” sits on my desk in a small, silver frame.  I see it over and over all day long, reminding me, “trust.”  Sometimes I still struggle with trust – hence the reminder on my desk. 

 Sometimes just looking at the word calms me, but sometimes it frustrates me and I begin spinning.  Spinning because I feel like something is “not enough.”  Not enough money, not enough love, not enough truth, whatever – it remains “not enough.”  Being an action-oriented person, I act.  I can’t stay still as this “not enough” feeling is like drowning to me.  It’s been a very long time, but I’ve notice recently, I’ve begun spinning again.

 I’ve come up close to this “drowning” feeling again and this time, I’ve stayed with it.  I discovered this drowning feeling is really sadness.  Sadness that makes me feel.  Yes, feel.  When I am spinning and “acting out” - I fool myself with the illusion of being in control.  I don’t have feel when I am moving, however, when I eventually stop as we all must, I feel even worse. 

 The avoiding of the sadness magnifies the emotions more painfully.  The disappointments are more crushing.  The resentments are bigger and the unresolved issues grow…But this time – I have felt the sadness.  Maybe not at first, but sooner, and instead of running the other way, I’ve stayed with the sadness to discover more about myself and how not to be in this same place again. 

 Life is full of opportunities and not all of them come with a “smiley face.”  Sometimes it is in the disappointments the greatest clarity is found.  You see who you are and what you believe.  And if you can stop “spinning” - you discover “trust.” 

 Trust in something bigger then you.  Trust that unseen forces support you, even if it may not appear so at first glance.  Trust that your highest self is stretching to reveal itself again and again.  Trust, I bid you, Trust. 

What is truth?  Is it a reality or a perception?  Can anyone know your truth?  I ask these questions not really sure of the answers.  This has been a very upsetting week for me.  A dear friend is being persecuted by a few in authority with their own agenda.

 It’s yucky.  And I of course, being true to myself and my red hair, am outraged and vocal.  What is interesting to me is how many people want you to be quiet.  Just go along.  I’ve never been good at that.  I’m good at speaking up for those who don’t have a voice and if this means I lose a few so called friends – fine by me. 

 I need to look at myself in the mirror every day and know I am doing my best.  I am passionate about my life, my family, my friends and my spirituality.  This is both good and bad.  I can be hurt by my own speed as I run to someone’s defense, and unfortunately – this isn’t popular with those who want to keep a certain story as fact.  Oh, well.

 So I encourage you – do you need to stand up today?  Do not worry about the slings and arrows that will a surely come your way.  Hold fast to the truth and walk on.  Yes, you may feel the sharp daggers of those who would keep you quiet, but you’ll be better for it on the other side.   

This is called building character.  This is important.  This is who you are as you walk through life and encounter “kings and fools.”  Who do you want to be?  Someone who shrinks from confrontation?  Or someone who tried and stood for something?  I will take the latter.  Bring on the fools as I know they will come and I will disarm them with my unwavering truth. 

I know I am in trouble when I use the word “never.”  It usually is an indicator of my judge being in charge at that moment.  Ok, there are a few “nevers” we can agree upon regarding certain crimes, but even then this is a small list if you really look at in reality. 

 It would be my hope to I would never kill anyone, but honestly if me, my children, my husband were being violently threatened – hell hath no fury as this redhead and all bets are off.  I am again being reminded of my protective streak this week.

 A dear friend of mine is being hurt.  In fact, this is at my church.  I am horrified by the behavior of my minister and a controlling board on a witch hunt trying to force my friend out.  Interestingly enough as witch hunts go – this will explode in their own faces. 

 Witch hunts operate on assumptions and fear.  They are usually full of contradictions - thus easy pickings for those of us based in truth.  What lay beneath the witch hunt is judgment and “I never…”  It has been my experience, when that motto is at the forefront of a cause - there are hypocrites involved. 

 In this case, it has to do with assumed inappropriate behavior.  Red flags everywhere.  Warning - judgments abound.  So our minister is trying to force out the associate minister while her own niece, the youth minister, is doing the very same things she accusing the associate minister of doing.  Oh, it is a wicked game indeed.  Hence the witch hunt will to explode in their faces…Because the niece has been saying – “oh no, I never…”

 Unfortunately, there are cameras and witnesses that tell a different story.  Oh a tangled web we weave trying to deceive…So our minister is loosing her congregation person by person.  It is strange to see this unfold.  Strange that someone I admired so much and looked to for guidance again and again could come to this place.  Feet of clay.

 We all have them.  Sometimes they lead us to foolish places, but there, there amidst your own stupidity and follies – there is grace.  It is in our foolishness our beliefs are revealed.  Beliefs that are sabotaging our lives every today in quiet ways.  But this is the grace – the opportunity to see the folly in your ways and turn. 

 Turn to more.  Turn to a life of fullness with all your glory and warts revealed.  Yes, that is me too, feet of clay.  I am no better then my minister.  I trust this is part of her learning, her journey – blind spots to be revealed.  My job is to stand and reflect the truth.  Be a light of truth – no matter the cost - because I must.  I am no Judas. 

 A few years ago I read with my minister in Bible study as Jesus asked his disciples to watch with him on his last night.  I could barely stand the scene as I kept complaining to the group, “Who are these men?  Falling asleep not one time, but three?  How can these be the disciples?  Nothing divine about them?  Who does this?”

 My dear minister wisely asked me, “Kelly, have you ever fallen asleep?  Not shown up?”  Uuughhh, it was like a physical blow as I saw the disciples were me.  In the moment the bible became real to me and I am forever grateful. 

 So I trust, I can only see in part.  All will be revealed later.  

“You learn to bear it.  Yes, some things you just learn to bear,” were the words spoken to me the other day with a tight smile and condescending eyes.  I was shocked – you learn to bear it?  Are you kidding me?  And then again she repeated this philosophy, “Someone of my advanced years has had more experiences and learned that some pains are learned to be lived with, to walk with.”

 Again, I was speechless.  Was this woman serious?  Could she possibly be trying to tell me that her life pains/traumas were more painful then mine and one day I too would gain entry into this elite group that walks with pain?  The most difficult part of the interaction for me is – she was serious.  Her pains, her life experience were so hard – she proved it, she beared it everyday, proudly even.  I shut my mouth, not questioning any longer, but spinning.

 “Bearing it” has only disempowered my life, myself and most of all my relationship with God.  I have come to accept that today, I can only see in part, all will be revealed in time.  And when my fears, my anxieties, even my own victim self reveal their presence still - I smile, start singing a Karen Carpenter song in my head and think, what do I need to lay down?