Listen to this short guided meditation to ground yourself into the present moment any time you wish. I begin all my workshops and meditation circles with this meditation as a transition from your own personal life to a collective experience. Enjoy!
Everyone disagrees at some point or another, the trick is how to “discuss’ without resorting to name-calling, finger-pointing or personal attacks.This may be easy with a store clerk, but with a spouse or friend things can get complicated quick.These are a few tips this Irish, red-head has picked up through ten years of marriage and many clients…
1.Shut your mouth and listen.Actually listen to the person you are in conflict with – do not plan your next verbal attack while the other person is speaking.A way to force yourself to do this is to repeat back to the other person what their complaint is after him/her stops speaking.For example, “I hear you are mad at me because I am late, correct?”
2.Walk away to take some time to settle down.Sometimes whatever you are arguing about can be quite painful or upsetting and you may start feeling yourself becoming defensive and/or accusing – this is not going to lead to a positive outcome, so allow yourself some space to settle down. Let your partner know you need some time to settle down and try to set up another time to discuss this later.Doing this allows you to focus on the “real issues” instead of your “bad reactions” that may distract you from the “real issues.”Some years ago when my husband and I were in marriage counseling, he would do something stupid/selfish and I would go ballistic.It took us a long time to get to his very, real bad behaviors because my reactions would be so outrageous as to eclipse his negative behaviors. I had to learn to settle myself down before/during discussions as to deal with the real issues.
3.Breathing.Sometimes in the heat of an argument you may realize you are holding your breath or experiencing shallow breathing.Stop speaking for a few moments and just breathe.Use your breath to sooth yourself back down to more relaxed space – you will notice you can listen better and have more clarity after you regain your footing.
4.Do you want to be right or do you want to find common ground?This is your ego wanting to “win” your arguments.Being right all the time can ultimately lead to isolation and loneliness.The real question to ask yourself is – why do I have to be right?Ask yourself in the middle of an argument – am I trying to be right or can we compromise?It takes two people to argument, but one to make a change for the better.
5.What is your part?Be honest, you do have a part - even if it is very small.The quicker you can focus on your part in the argument, the quicker you will get to resolution.When you discover your part, you are able to learn - how to avoid this in the future, or what is important to you or even, why this isn’t working?With better information and clarity you are able to make healthier decisions that meet the needs of both of you instead of just one.
6.Humor.Yes, some arguments are very serious and some would argue jokes are not appropriate.However, I am Irish as I have said (gallows’ humor for sure) and the quicker I can laugh about whatever, the better. Once I was with my sister-in-law taking care of both our kids (four in all) and my husband was two hours late getting back from a bike ride with friends.Over the couple hours he was late – I was getting more and more pissed off.Finally he walks through the door and my sister-in-law greets him with, “Hey, “dead-man-walking” – good to see you upright?”I just about wet my pants I was laughing so hard.Yes, I was still angry, but no longer at the point of inflicting bodily injury…A warning though, not everyone appreciates this humor as I have lost a friend by making this very same joke with her husband.Needless to say, it would have happened sooner or later as I don’t take life/events nearly as dramatically as she did.
7.Flexibility and letting go.Once you discover you don’t have to be “right” or recognize your part in the argument, you become more flexible.As much as I hate it – disagreements, arguments are opportunities to bring your relationship closer be it a friend or lover. There is no one person on the planet who you would get along with always – not even a soul-mate or twin-flame.There will be disagreements in life if only because each of us is a separate, thinking individual with our own unique perspective.Arguments are an opportunity to learn about yourself and your partner – it just doesn’t feel like an opportunity in the heat of the moment.So breathe.Be open to learning new information and once peace/harmony has been restored, let go.Holding grudges or continuing to stew about past arguments is about you – not the other person.These negative feeling hurt you every day and even draw more arguments into your life.If you are having trouble “letting go” try journaling, talking with other friends or possibly seek professional help with a coach or therapist to discover how to let go or what is driving your unresolved feelings.
These are just a few tips I have discovered thus far in my many years of marriage and working with clients.May they serve you well.
This podcast is focused on indentifying and transforming blocks to peace. Through this guided meditation you will identify three specific blocks to peace and begin to heal the blocks easily and effortlessly with your thoughts. Please join me on this transformation by listening to the podcast to the right. Peace be with you.
Here are just a few tips to make this summer fantastic…
1.Picnic and concert/play.I began going to outside plays and concerts when I was a kid with my Mom.I try to go at least once a summer now.Big blanket, yummy food, setting sun and art – could there be anything better?
2.Beach.Whether you go to the ocean, a lake or even a stream – get to a beach.I don’t care how old you are – take your shoes off and dig your toes in the sand and suddenly you are a kid again.If you really want to feel good, build a sand castle and feel the years slip away as you play…
3.Book.Reading is a way to travel and explore without leaving the comfort of your hammock.If you are looking for an excellent to read this summer – check out my book reviews where you can find anything from hysterically funny (Me talk Pretty One Day) to self-help (The Power of Intention) to lyrical (The God of Small Things.)
4.A garden.Ok, it could just be a small pot with some pansies or a massive vegetable garden, but grow something.Digging in the dirt is calming your nerves and your soul.And best of all – it’s addictive…I check on all my flowers every morning just to see who has bloomed today and this year, I am even going to grow lettuce on our deck – my own economic recession garden…
5.Camping.Try going camping for a night and don’t forget the smores fixings!A camp fire is good for anyone’s soul and if you are a newbie at camping or haven’t been for a very long time – you are guaranteed to create memories that last…Just setting up the tent can afford opportunities to laugh for hours…
6.Forgive.Learn to forgive someone this summer – make up with a friend or family member that you feel estranged.Guess what?They feel just as crappy about having you missing from their life as you feel having them out of yours.So send a funny card, make a phone call or even send an email – almost everyone longs to be forgiven and bought whole again.Make it happen for you and maybe you will now have someone to camping with…
7.Summer Music.I listen to IZ during the summer or any time I want to feel like I am on vacation.If you haven’t started already, begin listening to “happy” music – anything that makes you feel light inside.Reggae is always a happy choice.
8.Go skinny-dipping.Nothing says summertime more then skinny-dipping.Find a secluded spot and jump in – your body will thank you by feeling completely and joyfully alive.
9.Pot Lucks.I love getting together with friends, but can’t afford to throw as many parties as I would like – answer: pot lucks!Everyone bring something and the party has begun with little financial investment from you.Best of all – your guests will love it.Instead of bringing a hostess gift, they can skip the flowers and bring something they like.Everyone’s happy.
10.Fall in love.Falling in love is not just reserved for singles, I have been married almost ten years and joyfully I fall in love with my husband over and over…Maybe as we have a picnic or lay in the hammock entwined and reading or dig our toes in the sand or even, when we forgive each other our imperfections and enjoy the beautiful life we have created together…
May these tips spark your own heart and help you to create a wonderful summer ahead.Enjoy!
Recently a client asked, “How do you create a sacred space for meditation and quiet.”These are some tips to create your own sacred space be it an entire room or a small shelf.
I like to think of sacred spaces as being attached to your senses…
1.Visual - Color.Colors trigger emotional responses from the inside.Think of it, seeing “red” when you are angry or feeling “blue” when you are sad.Try painting the sacred space or even the shelf, a calming color to help “queue” your internal response to “relax.”My office is painted a gorgeous, blue-lavender hue and often my clients will comment how it feels like walking into Springtime upon entering the room…Use color as a way to sooth yourself, instead revving it up.
2.Smell – Palo Santo and candles.Whenever I smell burning Palo Santo, Holy Wood, I am instantly connected to divine peace. It smells like nature and mother earth to me.I like lighting candles and Palo Santo before I meditate or spend time in my sacred space.I’ve created my own ritual of sorts.By lighting candles and burning holy wood, I intentionally mark a transition into my sacred space.This in turn, creates a higher vibration thus more “sacred space.”
3.Touch – images and photos.I like to think of this as more about “touching” your heart then physical touch.What are some images that immediately calm you when you look at them?Mother Mary?Angels? Frogs?Pretty knit-knacks from long ago adventures?Friends?Anything that you adorn your sacred space with must be centered in love and tranquility.Your sacred space is yours alone, a place that speaks to your own heart quietly.Be creative and even open to what is important…Maybe a favorite rock or two will show up.
4.Taste – water.I like balance in sacred spaces.Water balances fire - candles.Water nourishes us.It reminds us to be flexible and that our emotions can be fluid like the ocean.I have a wonderful Kuan Yin statue that drips water.Kuan Yin is an Eastern goddess focused on compassion for self and others.(Kind of like the Mother Mary of the East without the virgin-birth story attached.)Some clients leave small bowls of water with flower blossoms floating in their meditation spaces to keep the energy fresh.A nice fountain can also do the trick which also leads to the last tip - sounds.
5.Hearing – what are you listening to?This is where things can be interesting…Are you listening to guided meditations?Great, but what else?Are you quiet in this space sometimes?Have you opened the windows to hear what is going on outside – birds?Have you tried listening to ocean sounds or relaxing music while you are sitting in your sacred space or looking at your shelf?Try some different things and you will discover how your sacred space can support you in many ways.
These are just a few suggestions to help you create your own sacred space.I bet if you look around already in your life today, you can see that you’ve have already gathered your “sacred” tools…It’s really just you allowing yourself the space to blossom.
In this guided meditation, you will be lead through a process of releasing negative energy with white light. Expect to feel relaxed, refreshed and balanced each time you listen to this meditation. Enjoy!
All of my life I have battled perfect – being perfect, not being perfect, expecting others to be perfect, wondering what is perfect…on and on the thoughts unravel…I think I have mastered my driving need to be “perfect” only to have it show up somewhere else.
It is during these times I am reminded of my stumbling and bumbling through life.Things are so clear cut in my mind, but when I really step back, I view my “two-steps-forward, one-step-back jig” over and over.And in fact, I am grateful.When I see this need to be “perfect” revealed - I see my hurts, but also the hurts of those around me.Not only do I have more compassion for others, but most importantly - I have more compassion for me.
When I surrender in my battle with perfect, I discover peace and acceptance.Not a peace built on certain circumstances, events or people, but a peace with self.True peace.
Do you ever feel like you are emotionally spinning?Maybe you have just had a difficult encounter with a relative or even a friend?You may be able to identify – this person drives me nuts, but the real question is, why?Why has this person been able to affect you?Chances are you have been “triggered.”
“Triggering” happens when some hidden emotional response is activated.My in-laws are professionals at this by using guilt to trigger emotional responses.For example, my husband’s parents will “talk” about each sibling to the other siblings trying to get them to speak to each other…”Oh, so-and-so, really does want to be more involved with your life, but he just doesn’t feel like you care enough…”This is an attempt by someone on the outside to “trigger” or force events in a certain way.
Even though my in-laws intentions are to bring the family closer, their manipulations stall any positive outcomes and actually inject more distance within the family structure.
Often you can identify “triggering” by how you feel inside…When someone or something is “triggering” you, you may feel a tightness in your stomach or chest.Your breathing may change.Things may feel more emotionally intense or you may even feel cornered into a certain defensive reaction.You are being “triggered.”
Now, no matter how well-adjusted and balanced you are today, each of us gets “triggered” every now and then.The trick is not to fear being triggered, but to manage your reaction to whatever happens to illicit an emotional response.So the real trick is, how to stop triggering?
You “trigger” because some place inside of you is feeling under attack.For example, my in-laws use guilt to “trigger” the idea of “being a good son, brother – a good son would call his brothers, visit more, etc.”The fact is my in-laws miss their family and want them to be close.Instead of stating this desire or want, they use manipulation to “make” it happen.They use passive aggressive tactics to avoid themselves getting “hurt” because when you overtly state your desires and wants to others, you make yourself vulnerable.You give others choice - they can choose to say, “No, I don’t want to do that,” and then what?
So, how to get from, “they drive me crazy - triggering,” to witnessing what is really going on, i.e. the in-laws miss their family.One technique I discovered years ago is “writing with God.”
Whenever you are feeling uncertain about things or are triggering, get a few sheets of paper out and begin writing with God.
For example:
Kelly:I hate my in-laws.They f*&5ing suck.If I have to hear another passive aggressive crap out of their mouth, etc…
God: Yes, they do suck.
Kelly:Yeah, they really suck. Why are they so crazy?Who tortures grown children this way?Etc, etc…
God: Kelly, they are sad and miss something that is lost to them. Etc…
(Notice rational voice begins entering the conversation in opposition to ego-centered defensive response.)
The fact is your ego is the “triggered” response.Using this technique allows you to release all your negative thoughts and comments – your ego defense, instead of the usual biting your lip and stuffing all these words deep inside.By using this technique, you are able to release your own negative reactions, thus begin to detach and witness truth – your highest self, your God-response is brought forth.This “higher” place is present inside you right now, waiting to lift you up, but first you have to release your “triggered-ego” by acknowledging the hurt and pain that is present first.
Give it a try…you will be surprised to discover your highest self is waiting, inside you right now, waiting to help you transform your life.Your highest self is the path to happiness and peace everyday.The choice is yours.
Years ago my father introduced me to a tradition that was able to bring peace into our relationship.My parents divorced when I was about ten years old and my Dad moved south, far away from me.We really didn’t speak often as my parents had one of those horrendous divorces.I probably saw him a half a dozen times before heading to college in Burlington, VT.
Needless to say, we did not have much in common and frankly, I kept myself slightly aloof from him as he left long ago…During college he began making attempts to be a part of my life.He would take me skiing with my boyfriend, send money finally and call more often.
One memorial weekend he asked me if I would like to do the graves with him.Strangely enough that was one place we both liked to go – cemeteries.We both liked wandering around old graveyards reading headstones and admiring the artistry of the marble works.
My Dad grew up in Middlebury, VT.Most of that side of the family still lives there and our relatives are buried in several different cemeteries in the area.I agreed, not really knowing what I was getting into.He picked me up early that Sunday morning and I looked in the backseat to see all kinds of supplies – gardening tools, cups and to my surprise, chilled champagne.
We began chatting about where we were going first and my Dad started telling stories.He loves telling stories, but this time the stories were of friends he had lost in Vietnam, Uncles wounded in WWII and scandalous adventures of my family I never knew.I laughed, really laughed and I saw my father for the first time as more than the man that left.
He was flawed certainly, but he was trying.Trying to become a family again.I saw for the first time how young he was when my parents got married and I found compassion that was not there before.
At each grave we cleared away the weeds, and planted pansies and marigolds.We offered champagne toasts and funny stories to those long gone.Quietly, without knowing when, a gentle peace had slipped into my Dad and my relationship.
I finally had come to love my father again.I realized wasn’t abandoned any longer.I had found my way back to him and this family through the memories and stories of those long past.That day, together, we found peace again in pansies and laughter.This peace has made all the difference and I am grateful.
When I was nine years old I fell off a bike.It was horrible.I was flying down a hill and my flip-flops fell off.I had those pedals that had the spiky surfaces so I couldn’t put my bare feet on the pedals or risk impalement. I started panicking because my speed was increasing every moment with the descent - I had to do something fast.Thinking my best option was going onto the grass, I steered my bike to the left and hit an edge.Suddenly, I was hurling threw the air only to land on my forehead.Ouch.
Blood seemed everywhere and my wailing began.I walked down the rest of the hill to my aunt’s house, tears streaming and looking for Mom.Unfortunately, Mom was out and Dad was there.Let’s just say he was useless and leave it at that.Not surprisingly, I didn’t ride a bike again for a long time and when I did, it was a white-knuckle, tense experience.
Fast-forward to today and now I am the Mom with two kids riding bikes.My kids kept asking me to go for bike rides with them too, not just Daddy or the sitter.I would say with a shrug, “I don’t have a bike.”Then my husband bought me a beautiful purple and hot pink cruiser with a big basket.I had no more excuses, so I tried riding again.
Against every instinct I began riding my bike.My daughter and I started riding to and from her school every day and after a week or two, I noticed things were changing.I stopped gripping the handle bars for dear life.I felt more comfortable riding and most of all, I liked it again. It was fun riding on my pretty, purple bike – I felt so young again, even carefree.
Mind you, I will never wear flip-flops while biking ever again and I still don’t make a whole lot of conversation as I don’t want to somehow get distracted and fall.However, each day I’m a little more confident and most of all, I feel as though I am reconnecting to that little girl inside who was hurt so many years ago. She’s healing and coming out again…and I am happy to welcome her home.
