Maybe you are fighting with a spouse, a child, a parent or even a co-worker, guess what?  The problem is you.  I know this is annoying, but it’s true.

 Years ago, I would walk into my therapist office to report all the things my husband was doing wrong and the therapist would constantly redirect me back to myself – much to my annoyance.  Didn’t she get it?  If he would just do this different and that, then everything would be fine.  Uuuuummmmm, nope, she didn’t buy it and after awhile I understood.  The only, only person who is really going to make you happy is you.

 Now this doesn’t fit the fairy tail most of us bought with the castle and Prince Charming.  There is no one person as Jerry Maguire famously said, “who makes me complete.”  No, that’s a movie and this is real life.  You choose your thoughts and your life everyday.

 Now if you are rebelling right now, that’s good, because we are hitting close to the truth.  Let me give some examples of what I am suggesting…

 Say you are a stay-at-home parent and your mate is leaving you “stuck” with the kids/house while he/she goes out to work and sometimes play.  My question to you is, why aren’t you having any fun?  The reply of “who would take care of things” is not an answer but a set up.  Do you have a parent/child relationship with your spouse?  What role do you play? 

 Maybe your spouse is taking advantage of your kindness and guess who’s partly responsible for that dynamic? – yupe, you.  Why?  Because you are getting something out of this too – you get to be “better.” 

 Or maybe you go off to work and your partner has is so easy.  What do they do all day?  No stress, no schedule, get to exercise, no boss.  Can you feel the resentment building in this scenario???

 In marriage we make small concessions along the way to “take care of” our partner, however somewhere along the way we tend to get lost.  Our good intentions usually end up biting us in the bum later.  I wouldn’t say this is anyone’s fault as much as a natural course of learning and growing with another person. 

 What is interesting to note in the above scenarios is both are projections.  Although there is some truth in both situations, most of what binds us to a dysfunctional dynamic is “not enough.”  Not enough time, space, love, money, sleep, self-worth, sex…not enough, not enough me. 

 Hence, I invite you to look at your problems anew and discover what is your part and ask yourself, how can I take better care of me???

I slept with an alligator last night, my six year old son.  I was kicked in the ribs, elbows to the head, covers – gone.  My son said to me in the morning, with a big grin mind you, and mouth gaping, “Did I take over the bed?”

 “Yes, in fact, you did,” I reply with a begrudging smile.  For the past couple weeks every other night, one the kids will wander in saying he/she has had bad dreams.  I’m not surprised because I know what’s really going on – stress. 

 One of the best indicators of what is going on with you, is to examine what is going on with yours kids or your partner.  If they are acting out of the ordinary, guess what?  I’m betting you are too! 

 Lots of things are shifting in our home right now – new doors opening and a move is on the horizon.  As exciting as that is, it’s stressful too.  That’s how the unknown tends to be.  Yet somehow, slipping into bed with Mom and Dad seems to make it a little bit better…And surprisingly, it is.

 Are the loved ones in your home acting out of the ordinary?  What are they be reflecting back to you????

“What?  I am not shutting down because that would mean I’m getting old…”  The horror.  I sat in my acupuncturist office slightly stunned…We were discussing sex and how at 39 years old, my sex drive is ever increasing. 

My friends and I (all late thirties/early forties) recently were discussing how much our sex drive has changed.  For those of us having sex with our partners (half were not, but that is another tail…) – the two weeks before ovulation are, shall we say, game on, while the following two weeks are, well, not.  I joke that my body is just trying to get one more baby in – a mantra of “must procreate” vibrates throughout causing amusing results.

 First off, in those first weeks in the cycle, I attract lots of men – this has got me believing in pheromones.  They must smell/hear my ovaries message of, sex, sex, sex.  When I was in Vegas last, my friend and I happened to be in that first part of our cycles at the same time.  I had just told her of my theory when two drinks were delivered from the gentlemen at the end of the bar…we just about fell out of our chairs laughing, along with spilling the drinks…

 …back to the doctor’s office, sitting stunned – “I’m shutting down?”…Yes, in a sense I got that with the ovaries shouting – just one more! But I avoid the shutting down part because that might imply I was aging and that can not be???  Why I feel 29/30 years old? 

 And suddenly I was laughing inside, this monthly curse, which I have almost dreaded my whole life, whether through inconvenience or interference, has now become precious.  (Hearing a chuckling God inside, reminding me to be humble at every turn.) 

Ughhh, wow, life is a kick, just when you get it all figured out – flip.  What was dreaded once now becomes a friend and life, here and now, becomes just a little more precious…

During each of my pregnancies, I gained between 60-70 pounds.  For the first time in my life – twice, I was huge – I had kankles…not good a look on anyone, even while carrying a new life…Then I breast-fed, which in my opinion, is no weight loss support.  Since I was small before kids, I was shocked to be 35 pounds heavier after each birth, but I thought – easy, I’ll diet…Then I discovered – dieting sucks. 

 After my first child, I basically beat and starved the weight off, but that was no help the second time around.  I could not lose that extra 35 pounds no matter the diet or exercise regime – it just clung to me yet I knew there had to be something more going on.  My health was fine, but I was pissed.  I was mad at my husband for some valid and not valid reasons, I was mad at my body – why won’t these extra pounds go away??  I was irritable and I felt like a horrible mother snapping at little things.  I knew I needed help.

 A mentor of mine suggested we discover if there wasn’t something sub-consciously sabotaging my weight-loss through an technique she called, “going into the boardroom.”  Basically she guided me through a relaxing meditation ultimately leading me to a “boardroom.”

 Within the boardroom sat all the sides/voices of me about my weight…together we opened the door and listened to each of the different voices present.  Honestly, I was stunned by the sub-conscious thoughts present…Some were mad at my husband; some didn’t think mothers should be thin and attractive; some didn’t like being in charge of all these little people; some missed playing and having fun; some were worried I wasn’t doing a good enough job…Patiently, we listened to each of these voices and gently, but firmly took charge of the room.

 It was a transformational moment because not only did I discover the unconscious drivers of my weight, but I was able to “soothe” and “take-care” of those voices without judgment.  Amazingly, the weight melted away over the next few months, but I discovered I needed to see myself differently too.

 I wasn’t twenty-something any longer – without responsibilities and kids.  With the passage of time and two births, my body would never be the same – how could it?  Metabolic rates change, hormones shift, muscles age and gravity is a cruel mistress…But with age and time, comes familiarity, comfort, and understanding of self.

 My weight fluctuates each month a solid 5 pounds depending on where I am in my cycle.  My metabolic rate has slowed down and to be the weight I like, I need to exercise 4 or 5 days a week.  I can eat what I like as long as I watch my portion size and I usually don’t eat after 8 pm…  

 But most of all, I had to stop chasing thin.  When I stopped – took care of myself by examining the underlining issues driving my weight and dealing with them, well then…thin found me again. 

 * Through the “boardroom” technique I was able to unlock the blocks to my own weight issues and in turn, further help my clients.  As years ago, I added this technique to my private practice with amazing results for clients in regards to not only blocks with weight, but also with family, deserving, not enough, wealth, prosperity…The possibilities for transformation are endless.

Before I got married – I was like all the rest, believing in fantasies, “When I’m married, we will always have hot sex.  I love my fiancé.”  Fast-forward several years – two small children and no sleep – guess what?   The sex wasn’t so hot anymore, in fact, we weren’t really having sex too much and then I remembered my words from years ago…Ugghhh.  How could I have been so naïve???

 I still remember the day, about five years ago, when I was kissing my husband and thinking, “Was I ever turned on by this man?”    How could this be?  I believed him to be my true love – we were meant – yet I felt dead inside when we kissed.  Warning: red lights flashing!!!  Like many before us, we headed off to marriage counseling and discovered we both had things to work on…

 Fast-forward to today, little wiser, little more humble, and back to hot sex.  Why?  I abandoned an idea of how my marriage “should” look and began to create a marriage that does work for both of us.  I’m not saying it’s perfect or without issue, but I am happier with me and how I view my marriage. 

 I realized I had to stop pointing to my husband as to why I was not happy and begin to examine the three fingers pointing back at me.  As an old therapist used to say, “He makes himself an easy target, but what are you doing here?” 

 What “shoulds” do you need to give up in your significant relationship?  He “should” know that hurts my feelings.  She “should” have been there for me this way.  He “should” know what I like.  She “should” know I love her.  What “shoulds” are getting in your way today?

I knew my life was ruined – we had promised my daughter a dog for her eighth birthday and that day was here.  When she was two and this promise first began, eight years old seemed so far away, at least six years…Alas time marches on and we have promises to keep…

 Let me be clear – I am a cat person.  My distaste for dogs was born out of jealousy.  I grew up with dogs, but unfortunately my Mother was (still is) “nuts” about her dogs.  My mother yelled at the kids/husband while the dogs were protected from her tempers.  Hence I was jealous of the dogs because they never experienced the wrath of Mother, only the good stuff.   Dogs were not my best friends.

 In contrast, my daughter is one of those kids that animals love.  She and my husband are dog-magnets.  My friends set up play dates for her to come over and play with their dogs.  She just adores animals, so there was no way I could get out of this eighth Birthday promise (especially since I had been asked daily for six years, “When is my eighth Birthday?)  However I was still dreading all the extra work a dog meant for me, no matter all the promises to walk, brush, feed, etc. 

 I had been mentally preparing for this for the past six months – psyching up to add the many extra duties of dog ownership; walks, food, poop pick-up, training…Then my husband came up with the great idea of adopting an adult dog as to avoid the hassles of puppy-hood. 

 After just a couple days of searching online, we adopted Katie from a rescue shelter.  Katie was the only dog we saw and it was love at first site.  To be perfectly frank, I am shocked by my own instant bond with her.  Let me repeat, I don’t really like dogs – they smell, shed hair all over me, constant attention, jump up, bark and did I mention the hair?  But, there it is anyway – I am in love with her.

 Yes, wisely, Katie helped her cause immediately by deciding I am her favorite.  My husband is a bit chagrinned as it is clear Katie regards me as top dog in the house, but I am leaving town for a few days soon and things could change…

 Still, I am surprised by my own immediate bond with her.  I feel more relaxed with her sleeping in my office while I work.  I feel safer.  My daughter is happier and has already got Katie sitting with only hand cues (she learned watching Animal Planet.)  My husband is calmer and honestly I think is more attracted to me because he likes seeing me bonded with a dog.  Now my son, he could care less…and gratefully, this is ok with me as I understand maybe he is a cat person.

 Without a doubt this has been a remarkable, surprising and fulfilling promise to keep.  One I will never regret, however, I have learned my lesson.  There will be no promises of cars, trips or college, tripping from my lips now.  One dog is enough to teach this old dog a new trick.  I have learned my lesson – no promises involving living things or costs exceeding $100 no matter what! 

Does your relationship feel stuck?  Going through the same patterns over and over?  Bored?  Read Passionate Marriage.  My husband and I just finished reading this life-changing book.  I’m serious – life-changing, however – not for the faint of heart.  This book is blunt with a capital “B.”

 Schnarch believes the dynamics of your relationships, for better or worse, are displayed in your sexual behaviors (i.e. who wants what, frequency, satisfaction…)  Thus what’s happening or not happening in the bedroom, is just another stage for the “real issues” of your relationship – trust, deserving, respect, etc. 

 Maybe you think you and your partner “can’t communicate anymore,” Schnarch explains how you are in fact very much communicating and how, why, when…There are about 4 or 5 couples he follows through their “time in the crucible.”  The whole concept of emotional fusion and self-soothing was keenly beneficial to not only my relationship with my husband but with everyone else in my life.

 This is a must read!

When I was nine years old I fell off a bike.  It was horrible.  I was flying down a hill and my flip-flops fell off.  I had those pedals that had the spiky surfaces so I couldn’t put my bare feet on the pedals or risk impalement. I started panicking because my speed was increasing every moment with the descent – I had to do something fast.  Thinking my best option was going onto the grass, I steered my bike to the left and hit an edge.  Suddenly, I was hurling threw the air only to land on my forehead.  Ouch.   

 Blood seemed everywhere and my wailing began.  I walked down the rest of the hill to my aunt’s house, tears streaming and looking for Mom.  Unfortunately, Mom was out and Dad was there.  Let’s just say he was useless and leave it at that.  Not surprisingly, I didn’t ride a bike again for a long time and when I did, it was a white-knuckle, tense experience.

 Fast-forward to today and now I am the Mom with two kids riding bikes.  My kids kept asking me to go for bike rides with them too, not just Daddy or the sitter.  I would say with a shrug, “I don’t have a bike.”  Then my husband bought me a beautiful purple and hot pink cruiser with a big basket.  I had no more excuses, so I tried riding again. 

 Against every instinct I began riding my bike.  My daughter and I started riding to and from her school every day and after a week or two, I noticed things were changing.  I stopped gripping the handle bars for dear life.  I felt more comfortable riding and most of all, I liked it again.  It was fun riding on my pretty, purple bike – I felt so young again, even carefree.   

 Mind you, I will never wear flip-flops while biking ever again and I still don’t make a whole lot of conversation as I don’t want to somehow get distracted and fall.  However, each day I’m a little more confident and most of all, I feel as though I am reconnecting to that little girl inside who was hurt so many years ago.  She’s healing and coming out again…and I am happy to welcome her home.    

Before I had children I swore I would never have a baby with a snotty face…then I came face to face teething.  Teething, wailing resistance and snot won.  It was the beginning of my understanding that I knew less.  Those damn baby books didn’t in fact know everything. 

 The difficult part of this discovery was – there wasn’t a manual.  I realized I would be always be ‘slightly bumbling through’ – adjusting as we go.  Happily, I like it.  Being a mom has been a great opportunity to learn flexibility.  Some days I am better at it then others.  So it goes…but motherhood has informed my life and my heart in ways I never imagined.  Happy Mother’s Day to you.

Recently several of my friends and clients have had babies and are experiencing some new issues with nursing and babies.  Here are a few tips to survive and thrive during this time…

 1.         To breast feed or not:  Do not let anyone bully you into this choice – including your husband.  You have given 10 months to growing this precious bundle of joy inside and if nursing is not for you – don’t.  Yes, we all know the benefits of nursing, but all are outweighed by “over-whelmed, stressed-out mom.”  I did breastfeed for 7-8 months each time, but truly, besides the painful, sore nipples in the beginning – I had no issues with milk production, infections or the like…So this was not difficult for me.  Really look at yourself and decide what is best for you?

2.         Nursing and bottles: If you do decide to nurse, you will hear a lot of different advice about when to introduce bottles as to avoid nipple confusion.  Personally, if you have a baby who does not have difficulty “latching on” – use a bottle of pumped milk within the first week.  The experts will tell you to wait 4 -6 weeks as to avoid nipple confusion – wrong.  By waiting all that time, it becomes a big drama to introduce the bottle later.  One of my children would not accept a bottle at all – nightmare…Also, have your mate provide the bottle as to help support baby bonding for them and go take a shower or break.  Continue to have your mate provide bottles as to avoid the situation that only “you” can quiet the baby – this can feel gratifying in the beginning, but trust me, you will be setting yourself up for headaches later when the crying is louder.

3.         Are you the only person that can quiet the baby?:  When the baby starts crying, do you immediately begin breastfeeding?  This is dangerous territory for both you and your mate.  Of course, in the beginning this makes sense, but as you master nursing – are you allowing your mate to really bond with the baby?  I remember when we had my daughter and the odd sense of power as to be the “one” who could quiet the baby by merely handing the baby and breastfeeding.  However this dynamic becomes your worst nightmare as suddenly any time the baby starts crying she/he is handed immediately over to you for you to “fix.”  This gets old – quick, and then you become resentful of your mate for not being able to help out with the crying baby – the problem you helped to create…Hence, vicious circle.  So make a bottle for the baby and mate, and leave the house, go for a walk, whatever – they will work it out.

4.         Have you become a chew-toy?:  Are you breastfeeding all the time?  Not just during growth spurts?  Guess what?  You have now passed from providing comfort and sustenance for your baby to “chew-toy.”  Have you tried a binky?  Again this has been the cause of much debate – the whole nipple confusion issue again and teeth…I again go back to, what is good for you and the baby?  My daughter had a binky in her face ‘til three and my son never touched it – much to my dismay.  Babies like to suck on things – plain and simple, some are more oral then others.  You decide what is best for you and your family. 

5.         When to wean:  The experts push for a year.  Not for me.  At seven months old my daughter had become so busy during the day that she wanted to nurse all night.  After several nights of this, I soon realized I was becoming the meanest person in the room due to no sleep.  She weaned in about a week.  My son was/is plagued by allergies and I weaned at eight months because I could not get my diet clean enough as to not affect him.  His skin problems cleared up a day or two after I stopped nursing – probably should have stopped earlier.  Again, do not be pressured by anyone – they do not give any prizes for nursing the longest, etc…A girlfriend stopped nursing after about a month – she had run into problem after problem, stressed-out, but her husband still wanted her to continue…She stopped and was able to calm down because she wasn’t always worried about the baby not “getting enough.”  And then, I have lots girlfriends/clients easily nursing for a year – personal choice, no wrong decisions.  Look at where you are in your life and decide what would support you and your baby best.

 I hope these tips can help to answer a few of your concerns.  Please remember that this is a vulnerable time for new Moms and Dads – sensitivities run high.  A little patience with yourself and others goes a long way…Experts are just people with another opinion and in most cases; you can weigh the choices/options best for your family – not a stranger from a book.