For some Christmas is about the presents, the meals or maybe seeing old friends and family…but for me, this is Mary’s time.  I adore Mother Mary.  Through her, I have learned to be a better me.  Oh sure, this may sound trite, even a touch phony – but it’s true. 

 I did not always feel this way.  I struggled with Mother Mary for years.  I didn’t understand how she could just stand by and watch Jesus die on the cross.  How could she not throw herself before the soldiers shouting, take me, take me instead?  What kind of mother was she?  I discovered, the best.

 When my own son was hurt I came to know Mary’s heart.  Oh did Mary love her son.  She loved Jesus so much she was able to stand at the cross as he bled and bled, until finally shouting out his last.  Mary believed in Jesus and his own separate purpose. 

 Was it difficult?  Unimaginably painful, just ask any parent of a suffering child.  Some parents can’t stay, some runaway or reject seeing their child in pain.  But many more faithfully stay and look for cures.  Still others find grace when there are no cures.  And if they are looking, each discovers the grace of Mary.

 Mary stayed – at the feasts and sadly, at the cross too.  As far as we know she did not try to sway Jesus from his purpose, she loved him.  She trusted his boyhood days that found him arguing with the rabbis in temple when he should have been in the fields.  Or his many trips to the desert when he would came back ablaze with the divine, overflowing with new ideas.  She trusted Jesus.    

 She also trusted in the unseen divine that sometime requires much…Did she not know herself the cost?  The sting of judgment?  Pregnant and without a husband, forced out.  Mary knew all too well the cost of faith…

 Mary has come to me many times throughout my life.  I am unbelievably blessed to have such intimate moments with her.  The first time I really experienced the presence of Mary as an adult I was overwhelmed.  My first thought was I am not worthy, there are more important people/problems than me.  I felt her outpouring love even more keenly at that moment and the words, “You are my beloved child, nothing is more important” boomed in my mind. 

 Words can not properly express the magnitude of this moment for me.  The best I can say is my life split - before I was alone and after, I was forever held.  Not only did I realize I was held but that everyone was being held by unseen forces at every moment.  I saw ways in my own childhood that Mary’s presence had been there even though I couldn’t see it at the time.

 Here’s the important part – bad things still happened and I am still the beloved child.  I’ve made peace with my past.  Even though there was certainly hardship, I know I wouldn’t be the person I am today without it. 

 Again, may sound trite, easy answer, but it’s true.  Happiness is usually standing right next to you, but only you can truly believe you are worthy to partake in the peace…You’ll have to stop beating yourself up, judging your own failings – real or imagined, you’ll have to allow yourself to come down from your own self-imposed cross into the waiting arms of peace.  She’s just waiting there, loving you just the way you are, patiently waiting for you to come home…

 Merry Christmas

Years ago I read or someone said to me – happiness is a by-product of a fulfilled life.  Of course I could see the truth of this statement at the time, but what I did not anticipate, over the course of living, is how much the definition of a fulfilled life would change…

 Let’s be clear we all strived to have a fulfilling life in the beginning, but what exactly does that mean?  It seems just when our lives are full with spouses, kids, work, money, debt, exercise, food…these very full lives aren’t so happy.  There is no time, too much to do, too full.  Aren’t you happy?  Can’t you feel the happy by-product of all this fullness???  No? 

 Sometime I believe we get lost a little – we think fullness is a result of doing.  The more we do, the happier we will be.  Unfortunately instead of happiness, all this doing leads to exhaustion and dissatisfaction with life.  It leads to simmering anger and resentment – after all, I’m doing this for you! 

I encourage you to look at your life at this moment – are you doing too much all to be happy?  To make someone else happy? 

 Happiness is a by-product of a fulfilled life.  However a fulfilled life is defined through balance, gratitude, love, humor and expansion.  But here’s the deal, there are times in your life where the interior of your life has to be big because the exterior of your life is limited.

 What pops to mind are the months I spent sitting on the couch breastfeeding and watching trashy TV.  It was a boring period in our lives, just ask my husband, lots of DVDs, but I was happy.  A bit mind numbed certainly, but happy.  I surrendered; I shifted my imagined full life to fit where I was right then.  I stopped trying to put/fit everything/everyone in and I surrendered to that moment.  I was fulfilled, I was enough.

 I would love to say I have always found this balance wherever life found me, but alas not, feet of clay here.  I sometimes get caught back up in enough – having enough, being enough, doing enough…until I am angry and frustrated – with God, life, myself, my husband, family, work, the store clerk….But this is where I make the turn.  My anger tips me off that I need to make a shift, a shift to re-evaluate and find my footing again – the quicker, the better. 

 For I know happiness is a by-product of a fulfilled life and that changes all the time.    

If you have kids you will understand this statement – September has become the lost month.  I can’t keep track of all the papers – new school rules, permission slips, order forms, jog-a-thons, one-time-only fees, lunch boxes, lunch money, conferences, pages and pages of homework, completed work on the refrigerator as well as work ‘to be completed at home and returned’ the next day.  Aaaaggghhhh!  Stop – I beg of you, stop pecking me to death with inane crap.  I swear if I had known this before having cute babies – I might have rethought the entire deal! 

 But September is now slipping into October, all the permission slips are mostly in, and check-ups are complete.  Things will surely settle down for a bit, right?…Now what do you want to be for Halloween? 

Why is the line so thin sometimes?  It all came down to the tooth fairy.  My son is six years old and lost his first tooth this past summer.  Let me tell you we were awaiting this event with much anticipation as his older sister lost her first tooth at four years old and has yet to stop. 

 It happened in the morning – lost the tooth during breakfast.  With big cheers all around, we discussed where to put it in his room (his tooth fairy pillow) and not to worry.  The sitter that night would help him with his note to the tooth fairy…

 …I woke up the next morning to the sounds of a wailing child.  Running into his room and I cry panicked, “What’s wrong?”

 Tears streaming down his face, he croaks with a cracked voice, “The tooth fairy doesn’t like me – look.”  And there is was, the tooth still sat in its pocket and no money.  The horror!  We had forgotten – bad Mommy, bad Mommy.

 Without missing a beat I reply, “Didn’t Caitlin tell you?  The tooth fairy called last night to let us know she might not be able to make it here as she was stuck down in Africa with a family of naked mole rats.  You know they only have two teeth, so missing a tooth is pretty serious business down there.”  (Notice - blame the sitter was my first avenue…)

 Tears stop.  With a sniff and a rubbing of the eyes, he says with hope restored, “Really?”

 “Really.  I thought Caitlin let you know.  (Again blame the sitter – who we love mind you.)  Not to worry – everything will work out.  How about donuts for breakfast?” I smile feeling all of 3 feet tall.

 The next morning my son ran into our room with a glowing smile and dollar in each hand.  “Look Mommy, I got two dollars and I bet I know why.  I was patient and believed it was all going to work out!  And look it did.  It’s good to be patient.” 

 I kid you not – that is what he said.  How quickly the line tilts toward genius as he has learned about patience and delayed gratification.  Good mommy, good Mommy. 

 While on vacation later in the summer my daughter lost another tooth and again the tooth fairy got stuck somewhere (north pole - with the polar bears) missing the first day after.  And again all was right the next day. 

 Amusingly I know these stories have another life – after the identity of the tooth is revealed, in a few years.  Many, many years from now I expect to get phone calls from my grandkids telling me the tooth fairy would be coming the next day as she got stuck in India with the Bengal Tigers or in Australia with the kangaroo family and I will remind her gentle, not to worry.  It will all work out.  Did you go for donuts?

Fall is a time of Harvest – a time of plenty…and it can also be a time of fear.  Fear of failure, fear of not enough.  Do you have enough to get you through the long winter?  Enough money and resources?  Enough love?  Enough light before the long slumber of winter draws ever-near?

 One of my favorite kids book is Frederick.  Frederick is a mouse. Instead of gathering food for winter like the other mice, Frederick gathers stories, sunbeams and fairy kisses.  He brings the light in the darkest hour when tummies rumble and hope is all but lost that Spring will ever bloom again.  In that hour, Frederick reminds them of sunbeams and dancing dragon flies.  He brings them to cool, trickling streams and fresh beds of new grass. Summer is born again within the nest, even as the storm swirls on above…

 What adventures and pictures have you tucked away to remind you of warmer days in winter?   There is still time yet to gather sunbeams and daydreams to keep you company for your long winter’s nap.  After all, Harvest is here. 

Maybe you are fighting with a spouse, a child, a parent or even a co-worker, guess what?  The problem is you.  I know this is annoying, but it’s true.

 Years ago, I would walk into my therapist office to report all the things my husband was doing wrong and the therapist would constantly redirect me back to myself – much to my annoyance.  Didn’t she get it?  If he would just do this different and that, then everything would be fine.  Uuuuummmmm, nope, she didn’t buy it and after awhile I understood.  The only, only person who is really going to make you happy is you.

 Now this doesn’t fit the fairy tail most of us bought with the castle and Prince Charming.  There is no one person as Jerry Maguire famously said, “who makes me complete.”  No, that’s a movie and this is real life.  You choose your thoughts and your life everyday.

 Now if you are rebelling right now, that’s good, because we are hitting close to the truth.  Let me give some examples of what I am suggesting…

 Say you are a stay-at-home parent and your mate is leaving you “stuck” with the kids/house while he/she goes out to work and sometimes play.  My question to you is, why aren’t you having any fun?  The reply of “who would take care of things” is not an answer but a set up.  Do you have a parent/child relationship with your spouse?  What role do you play? 

 Maybe your spouse is taking advantage of your kindness and guess who’s partly responsible for that dynamic? – yupe, you.  Why?  Because you are getting something out of this too – you get to be “better.” 

 Or maybe you go off to work and your partner has is so easy.  What do they do all day?  No stress, no schedule, get to exercise, no boss.  Can you feel the resentment building in this scenario???

 In marriage we make small concessions along the way to “take care of” our partner, however somewhere along the way we tend to get lost.  Our good intentions usually end up biting us in the bum later.  I wouldn’t say this is anyone’s fault as much as a natural course of learning and growing with another person. 

 What is interesting to note in the above scenarios is both are projections.  Although there is some truth in both situations, most of what binds us to a dysfunctional dynamic is “not enough.”  Not enough time, space, love, money, sleep, self-worth, sex…not enough, not enough me. 

 Hence, I invite you to look at your problems anew and discover what is your part and ask yourself, how can I take better care of me???

I slept with an alligator last night, my six year old son.  I was kicked in the ribs, elbows to the head, covers – gone.  My son said to me in the morning, with a big grin mind you, and mouth gaping, “Did I take over the bed?”

 “Yes, in fact, you did,” I reply with a begrudging smile.  For the past couple weeks every other night, one the kids will wander in saying he/she has had bad dreams.  I’m not surprised because I know what’s really going on – stress. 

 One of the best indicators of what is going on with you, is to examine what is going on with yours kids or your partner.  If they are acting out of the ordinary, guess what?  I’m betting you are too! 

 Lots of things are shifting in our home right now - new doors opening and a move is on the horizon.  As exciting as that is, it’s stressful too.  That’s how the unknown tends to be.  Yet somehow, slipping into bed with Mom and Dad seems to make it a little bit better…And surprisingly, it is.

 Are the loved ones in your home acting out of the ordinary?  What are they be reflecting back to you????

“What?  I am not shutting down because that would mean I’m getting old…”  The horror.  I sat in my acupuncturist office slightly stunned…We were discussing sex and how at 39 years old, my sex drive is ever increasing. 

My friends and I (all late thirties/early forties) recently were discussing how much our sex drive has changed.  For those of us having sex with our partners (half were not, but that is another tail…) – the two weeks before ovulation are, shall we say, game on, while the following two weeks are, well, not.  I joke that my body is just trying to get one more baby in – a mantra of “must procreate” vibrates throughout causing amusing results.

 First off, in those first weeks in the cycle, I attract lots of men - this has got me believing in pheromones.  They must smell/hear my ovaries message of, sex, sex, sex.  When I was in Vegas last, my friend and I happened to be in that first part of our cycles at the same time.  I had just told her of my theory when two drinks were delivered from the gentlemen at the end of the bar…we just about fell out of our chairs laughing, along with spilling the drinks…

 …back to the doctor’s office, sitting stunned – “I’m shutting down?”…Yes, in a sense I got that with the ovaries shouting – just one more! But I avoid the shutting down part because that might imply I was aging and that can not be???  Why I feel 29/30 years old? 

 And suddenly I was laughing inside, this monthly curse, which I have almost dreaded my whole life, whether through inconvenience or interference, has now become precious.  (Hearing a chuckling God inside, reminding me to be humble at every turn.) 

Ughhh, wow, life is a kick, just when you get it all figured out – flip.  What was dreaded once now becomes a friend and life, here and now, becomes just a little more precious…

During each of my pregnancies, I gained between 60-70 pounds.  For the first time in my life - twice, I was huge – I had kankles…not good a look on anyone, even while carrying a new life…Then I breast-fed, which in my opinion, is no weight loss support.  Since I was small before kids, I was shocked to be 35 pounds heavier after each birth, but I thought – easy, I’ll diet…Then I discovered - dieting sucks. 

 After my first child, I basically beat and starved the weight off, but that was no help the second time around.  I could not lose that extra 35 pounds no matter the diet or exercise regime – it just clung to me yet I knew there had to be something more going on.  My health was fine, but I was pissed.  I was mad at my husband for some valid and not valid reasons, I was mad at my body – why won’t these extra pounds go away??  I was irritable and I felt like a horrible mother snapping at little things.  I knew I needed help.

 A mentor of mine suggested we discover if there wasn’t something sub-consciously sabotaging my weight-loss through an technique she called, “going into the boardroom.”  Basically she guided me through a relaxing meditation ultimately leading me to a “boardroom.”

 Within the boardroom sat all the sides/voices of me about my weight…together we opened the door and listened to each of the different voices present.  Honestly, I was stunned by the sub-conscious thoughts present…Some were mad at my husband; some didn’t think mothers should be thin and attractive; some didn’t like being in charge of all these little people; some missed playing and having fun; some were worried I wasn’t doing a good enough job…Patiently, we listened to each of these voices and gently, but firmly took charge of the room.

 It was a transformational moment because not only did I discover the unconscious drivers of my weight, but I was able to “soothe” and “take-care” of those voices without judgment.  Amazingly, the weight melted away over the next few months, but I discovered I needed to see myself differently too.

 I wasn’t twenty-something any longer - without responsibilities and kids.  With the passage of time and two births, my body would never be the same – how could it?  Metabolic rates change, hormones shift, muscles age and gravity is a cruel mistress…But with age and time, comes familiarity, comfort, and understanding of self.

 My weight fluctuates each month a solid 5 pounds depending on where I am in my cycle.  My metabolic rate has slowed down and to be the weight I like, I need to exercise 4 or 5 days a week.  I can eat what I like as long as I watch my portion size and I usually don’t eat after 8 pm…  

 But most of all, I had to stop chasing thin.  When I stopped - took care of myself by examining the underlining issues driving my weight and dealing with them, well then…thin found me again. 

 * Through the “boardroom” technique I was able to unlock the blocks to my own weight issues and in turn, further help my clients.  As years ago, I added this technique to my private practice with amazing results for clients in regards to not only blocks with weight, but also with family, deserving, not enough, wealth, prosperity…The possibilities for transformation are endless.

Before I got married - I was like all the rest, believing in fantasies, “When I’m married, we will always have hot sex.  I love my fiancé.”  Fast-forward several years - two small children and no sleep – guess what?   The sex wasn’t so hot anymore, in fact, we weren’t really having sex too much and then I remembered my words from years ago…Ugghhh.  How could I have been so naïve???

 I still remember the day, about five years ago, when I was kissing my husband and thinking, “Was I ever turned on by this man?”    How could this be?  I believed him to be my true love – we were meant – yet I felt dead inside when we kissed.  Warning: red lights flashing!!!  Like many before us, we headed off to marriage counseling and discovered we both had things to work on…

 Fast-forward to today, little wiser, little more humble, and back to hot sex.  Why?  I abandoned an idea of how my marriage “should” look and began to create a marriage that does work for both of us.  I’m not saying it’s perfect or without issue, but I am happier with me and how I view my marriage. 

 I realized I had to stop pointing to my husband as to why I was not happy and begin to examine the three fingers pointing back at me.  As an old therapist used to say, “He makes himself an easy target, but what are you doing here?” 

 What “shoulds” do you need to give up in your significant relationship?  He “should” know that hurts my feelings.  She “should” have been there for me this way.  He “should” know what I like.  She “should” know I love her.  What “shoulds” are getting in your way today?