Can you allow your life to be easier?  If you start rebelling at this very notion as to the reasons why your life can’t get easier, well, this is for you…

Stop.  Just stop with the problem-making.  Take a deep breath in, down into your stomach and let the breath go.  Ok, one more deep breath in and let go.  Feel your feet connected to the floor.  Press your feet down a little, allowing yourself to feel the support beneath you.  You are right here, right now. 

What do you need to get done today?  Be realistic.  Start a daily list, but only allow yourself to put eight to ten tasks on it – the rest can wait ‘til tomorrow.  If need be make a couple lists, what needs to be done today, and what needs to be done this week (can be longer.)

When you start organizing your life, it’s amazing how much more time you can create!

WTF kind of question is that, right?  There is no allusive “normal.”  Each marriage has it’s own unique rules and unspoken boundaries of behavior.  The real questions to be answered; are you happy?  Is your marriage working?  What can you do to make it better today?

 It’s time to stop looking over the fence at someone else’s life with envy – sure the grass may look greener over there, but it could be just a trick of lighting or it could be that over the fence, they have been working at it…Happy marriages don’t occur like magic – time, compromise, forgiveness and commitment create the foundation for a lasting, fulfilling marriage.  It’s complicated.

 Each person enters a marriage with flaws – that’s everyone, there are no perfect people.  True love and intimacy is not created from a string of good times linked together.  No, real intimacy/love is discovered when you see not only your own faults, but your partner’s too and it’s still ok.  Can you love yourself and your partner flaws and all? 

This isn’t easy. 

 Some flaws are ‘deal-breakers’ – violence, abuse, etc…but in most cases people are being human – fools one day, and saints the next.  Whatever your biggest issue is with your partner, it’s actually about you not them.  When you look at the issue again – what truth reflects back?  What’s your stuff?

 For example an old fight my husband and I had for several years of was about time – he always ran late.  I can’t tell you how many arguments we had about this and ultimately I discovered the final solution – I had to let go of time.  What???  How can this be??  He’s late.

 Well first, let’s begin with reality – he ran usually about half hour late, getting home around 6 – 6:15 pm.  I thought he should be home at 5:30 pm, he agreed in word but not deed.  Hence each day had a built in argument as I would watch the clock for tardiness every afternoon.  I could feel the anxiety begin rising about 4 pm and it would spiral up with varied unhappy outcomes.

 Then I got a clue – a friend challenged my version of reality – where did I get this magic time to be home by?  Ummm, well that’s what a happy family looks like, right?  Supper on the table by 6 pm, tubby time, story books and bed.  Her response – who do you know that really looks like this?  Ummm, nobody. 

 Her response – sounds like you have to change the picture to make it work.  Thunderbolt – I was holding onto an ‘idea’ of what it looks like to be a happy family, because my own childhood was so chaotic.  It was a picture I create from a wounded place.

 I had to let go of my imagined magic time for his arrival and decided to call a friend at 5pm instead of getting angry, again.  I began distracting myself from the time each day.  When my husband sailed in around 6pm, I was fine, no arguments, easy.

 Here’s the funny thing, my husband started coming home earlier and he became annoyed that I would be chatting on the phone instead of waiting for him…He was used to fighting every day about something, so if I didn’t start it, he would.  Deep breathing all around and some clear communication helped us get out of this dynamic. 

 Of course the issue of time still comes up, but now I see it for what it is – control.  If I control time, I control life – in reality, not so much. 

 But really, let’s get back to you – Are you Happy with your partner?  What are you struggling with in your marriage/relationship and do you need to change your picture?

“Gentle” doesn’t come easily for me.  I was raised to work hard – achieve.  There isn’t a whole lot of room for ‘soft and gentle’ when you are in competition, even if the person you are competing against is yourself.   

I wonder though is this a part of our culture too?  A couple years ago as I was watching the Olympics with it’s random interviews of the athletes.  I was surprised when a ping-pong champion was asked, “Why hasn’t ping-pong taken off in the States?” 

“Well, Americans don’t like things to be soft.  They want to go outside for their sports.  Hard,” she said.  How right she was!

Maybe it’s because America began with immigrants trying to make a better life – as they still try today.  Competition is a naturally outcrop of this path.  Or maybe it’s because we have so much already, organized competition has to be hard.  Or maybe it’s because Americans are driven to get their slice of the pie…

My grandfather came over from Ireland when he was about twenty and he was hungry.  Hungry for food, hungry for money and safety, hungry for love, hungry for a place be.  Unfortunately, he stayed hungry his whole life and passed this hunger, this ‘not enough’ feeling onto his children, my mother.  She too passed this message onto me, and my other siblings through her own words and deeds. 

And here I am today with a choice, “Do I too pass this hunger onto my children?  Do I continue the cycle of ‘not enough’?”  Of course the answer is easy, no I won’t pass it along…but do I anyway?  Through my own thoughtless deeds and words?  Sometimes horribly, yes.

So today I am working on – gentle and being soft.  Not to hear words spoken to me through a filter of fear and pain, but through light.  To expect the best from everyone and not to take it personally if another does not want to behave from their highest self.  That is their problem, their journey – my focus is with self.  And with myself – I am gentle and soft.  So be it.

Here are just a few tips to make this summer fantastic…

 1.         Picnic and concert/play.  I began going to outside plays and concerts when I was a kid with my Mom.  I try to go at least once a summer now.  Big blanket, yummy food, setting sun and art – could there be anything better?

 2.         Beach.  Whether you go to the ocean, a lake or even a stream – get to a beach.  I don’t care how old you are – take your shoes off and dig your toes in the sand and suddenly you are a kid again.  If you really want to feel good, build a sand castle and feel the years slip away as you play…

 3.         Book.  Reading is a way to travel and explore without leaving the comfort of your hammock.  If you are looking for an excellent to read this summer – check out my book reviews where you can find anything from hysterically funny (Me talk Pretty One Day) to self-help (The Power of Intention) to lyrical (The God of Small Things.)

4.         A garden.  Ok, it could just be a small pot with some pansies or a massive vegetable garden, but grow something.  Digging in the dirt is calming your nerves and your soul.  And best of all – it’s addictive…I check on all my flowers every morning just to see who has bloomed today and for the past few years, we’ve grown lettuce on our deck – our own economic recession garden…

5.         Camping.  Try going camping for one night and don’t forget the smores fixings!  A camp fire is good for anyone’s soul and if you are a newbie at camping or haven’t been for a very long time – you are guaranteed to create memories that last…Just setting up the tent can afford opportunities to laugh for hours…

6.         Forgive.  Learn to forgive someone this summer – make up with a friend or family member that you feel estranged.  Guess what?  They feel just as crappy about having you missing from their life as you feel having them out of yours.  So send a funny card, make a phone call or even send an email – almost everyone longs to be forgiven and brought whole again.  Make it happen for you and maybe you will now have someone to go camping with…

7.         Summer Music.  I listen to IZ during the summer or any time I want to feel like I am on vacation.  If you haven’t started already, begin listening to “happy” music – anything that makes you feel light inside.  Reggae is always a happy choice.  And my latest favorite, Phoenix – let the dancing begin!

8.         Go skinny-dipping.  Nothing says summertime more then skinny-dipping.  Find a secluded spot and jump in – your body will thank you by feeling completely and joyfully alive.

9.         Pot Lucks.  I love getting together with friends, but can’t afford to throw as many parties as I would like – answer: pot lucks!  Everyone bring something and the party has begun with little financial investment from you.  Best of all – your guests will love it.  Instead of bringing a hostess gift, they can skip the flowers and bring something they like.  Everyone’s happy.

10.     Fall in love.  Falling in love is not just reserved for singles, I have been married more than ten years and joyfully I fall in love with my husband over and over…Maybe as we have a picnic or lay in the hammock entwined and reading, or as we dig our toes in the sand or even, when we forgive each other our imperfections and enjoy the beautiful life we have created together…

May these tips spark your own heart and help you to create a wonderful summer ahead.  Enjoy!

I became an owlaholic about a month ago, when the first eggs hatched.  Molly takes care of her 4 four chicks in a man-made owl box roughly the size of two shoeboxes.  Carlos, the gentleman who built the box also installed day and night cameras.  The cameras are on 24/7 and the feed flows directly to upstream – this is reality TV.  You cannot believe it.

Molly once ate an entire rabbit in one gulp.  Yes, you read me right, one gulp.  McGee, the male only shows up at night and he is the provider…mice, rabbits, moles, whatever – if it’s moving, fair game.  Like clock-work, after nightfall he shows up, drops the food, occasionally hops on Molly for all of 5 seconds and is gone.  Slam, bam, thank you Molly.  Then the show really begins, with all the hungry mouths, feathers flying and frustrated squawking, I am hooked. 

There is something soothing about quietly witnessing this cycle of life.  Molly didn’t need to read any books.  McGee shows up.  He doesn’t require post-its to remember to bring supper – he’s bringing supper, lots of it, all night. 

Simple, keep it simple.

For some Christmas is about the presents, the meals or maybe seeing old friends and family…but for me, this is Mary’s time.  I adore Mother Mary.  Through her, I have learned to be a better me.  Oh sure, this may sound trite, even a touch phony – but it’s true. 

 I did not always feel this way.  I struggled with Mother Mary for years.  I didn’t understand how she could just stand by and watch Jesus die on the cross.  How could she not throw herself before the soldiers shouting, take me, take me instead?  What kind of mother was she?  I discovered, the best.

 When my own son was hurt I came to know Mary’s heart.  Oh did Mary love her son.  She loved Jesus so much she was able to stand at the cross as he bled and bled, until finally shouting out his last.  Mary believed in Jesus and his own separate purpose. 

 Was it difficult?  Unimaginably painful, just ask any parent of a suffering child.  Some parents can’t stay, some runaway or reject seeing their child in pain.  But many more faithfully stay and look for cures.  Still others find grace when there are no cures.  And if they are looking, each discovers the grace of Mary.

 Mary stayed – at the feasts and sadly, at the cross too.  As far as we know she did not try to sway Jesus from his purpose, she loved him.  She trusted his boyhood days that found him arguing with the rabbis in temple when he should have been in the fields.  Or his many trips to the desert when he would came back ablaze with the divine, overflowing with new ideas.  She trusted Jesus.    

 She also trusted in the unseen divine that sometime requires much…Did she not know herself the cost?  The sting of judgment?  Pregnant and without a husband, forced out.  Mary knew all too well the cost of faith…

 Mary has come to me many times throughout my life.  I am unbelievably blessed to have such intimate moments with her.  The first time I really experienced the presence of Mary as an adult I was overwhelmed.  My first thought was I am not worthy, there are more important people/problems than me.  I felt her outpouring love even more keenly at that moment and the words, “You are my beloved child, nothing is more important” boomed in my mind. 

 Words can not properly express the magnitude of this moment for me.  The best I can say is my life split – before I was alone and after, I was forever held.  Not only did I realize I was held but that everyone was being held by unseen forces at every moment.  I saw ways in my own childhood that Mary’s presence had been there even though I couldn’t see it at the time.

 Here’s the important part – bad things still happened and I am still the beloved child.  I’ve made peace with my past.  Even though there was certainly hardship, I know I wouldn’t be the person I am today without it. 

 Again, may sound trite, easy answer, but it’s true.  Happiness is usually standing right next to you, but only you can truly believe you are worthy to partake in the peace…You’ll have to stop beating yourself up, judging your own failings – real or imagined, you’ll have to allow yourself to come down from your own self-imposed cross into the waiting arms of peace.  She’s just waiting there, loving you just the way you are, patiently waiting for you to come home…

 Merry Christmas

Years ago I read or someone said to me – happiness is a by-product of a fulfilled life.  Of course I could see the truth of this statement at the time, but what I did not anticipate, over the course of living, is how much the definition of a fulfilled life would change…

 Let’s be clear we all strived to have a fulfilling life in the beginning, but what exactly does that mean?  It seems just when our lives are full with spouses, kids, work, money, debt, exercise, food…these very full lives aren’t so happy.  There is no time, too much to do, too full.  Aren’t you happy?  Can’t you feel the happy by-product of all this fullness???  No? 

 Sometime I believe we get lost a little – we think fullness is a result of doing.  The more we do, the happier we will be.  Unfortunately instead of happiness, all this doing leads to exhaustion and dissatisfaction with life.  It leads to simmering anger and resentment – after all, I’m doing this for you! 

I encourage you to look at your life at this moment – are you doing too much all to be happy?  To make someone else happy? 

 Happiness is a by-product of a fulfilled life.  However a fulfilled life is defined through balance, gratitude, love, humor and expansion.  But here’s the deal, there are times in your life where the interior of your life has to be big because the exterior of your life is limited.

 What pops to mind are the months I spent sitting on the couch breastfeeding and watching trashy TV.  It was a boring period in our lives, just ask my husband, lots of DVDs, but I was happy.  A bit mind numbed certainly, but happy.  I surrendered; I shifted my imagined full life to fit where I was right then.  I stopped trying to put/fit everything/everyone in and I surrendered to that moment.  I was fulfilled, I was enough.

 I would love to say I have always found this balance wherever life found me, but alas not, feet of clay here.  I sometimes get caught back up in enough – having enough, being enough, doing enough…until I am angry and frustrated – with God, life, myself, my husband, family, work, the store clerk….But this is where I make the turn.  My anger tips me off that I need to make a shift, a shift to re-evaluate and find my footing again – the quicker, the better. 

 For I know happiness is a by-product of a fulfilled life and that changes all the time.    

If you have kids you will understand this statement – September has become the lost month.  I can’t keep track of all the papers – new school rules, permission slips, order forms, jog-a-thons, one-time-only fees, lunch boxes, lunch money, conferences, pages and pages of homework, completed work on the refrigerator as well as work ‘to be completed at home and returned’ the next day.  Aaaaggghhhh!  Stop – I beg of you, stop pecking me to death with inane crap.  I swear if I had known this before having cute babies – I might have rethought the entire deal! 

 But September is now slipping into October, all the permission slips are mostly in, and check-ups are complete.  Things will surely settle down for a bit, right?…Now what do you want to be for Halloween? 

Why is the line so thin sometimes?  It all came down to the tooth fairy.  My son is six years old and lost his first tooth this past summer.  Let me tell you we were awaiting this event with much anticipation as his older sister lost her first tooth at four years old and has yet to stop. 

 It happened in the morning – lost the tooth during breakfast.  With big cheers all around, we discussed where to put it in his room (his tooth fairy pillow) and not to worry.  The sitter that night would help him with his note to the tooth fairy…

 …I woke up the next morning to the sounds of a wailing child.  Running into his room and I cry panicked, “What’s wrong?”

 Tears streaming down his face, he croaks with a cracked voice, “The tooth fairy doesn’t like me – look.”  And there is was, the tooth still sat in its pocket and no money.  The horror!  We had forgotten – bad Mommy, bad Mommy.

 Without missing a beat I reply, “Didn’t Caitlin tell you?  The tooth fairy called last night to let us know she might not be able to make it here as she was stuck down in Africa with a family of naked mole rats.  You know they only have two teeth, so missing a tooth is pretty serious business down there.”  (Notice – blame the sitter was my first avenue…)

 Tears stop.  With a sniff and a rubbing of the eyes, he says with hope restored, “Really?”

 “Really.  I thought Caitlin let you know.  (Again blame the sitter – who we love mind you.)  Not to worry – everything will work out.  How about donuts for breakfast?” I smile feeling all of 3 feet tall.

 The next morning my son ran into our room with a glowing smile and dollar in each hand.  “Look Mommy, I got two dollars and I bet I know why.  I was patient and believed it was all going to work out!  And look it did.  It’s good to be patient.” 

 I kid you not – that is what he said.  How quickly the line tilts toward genius as he has learned about patience and delayed gratification.  Good mommy, good Mommy. 

 While on vacation later in the summer my daughter lost another tooth and again the tooth fairy got stuck somewhere (north pole – with the polar bears) missing the first day after.  And again all was right the next day. 

 Amusingly I know these stories have another life – after the identity of the tooth is revealed, in a few years.  Many, many years from now I expect to get phone calls from my grandkids telling me the tooth fairy would be coming the next day as she got stuck in India with the Bengal Tigers or in Australia with the kangaroo family and I will remind her gentle, not to worry.  It will all work out.  Did you go for donuts?

Fall is a time of Harvest – a time of plenty…and it can also be a time of fear.  Fear of failure, fear of not enough.  Do you have enough to get you through the long winter?  Enough money and resources?  Enough love?  Enough light before the long slumber of winter draws ever-near?

 One of my favorite kids book is Frederick.  Frederick is a mouse. Instead of gathering food for winter like the other mice, Frederick gathers stories, sunbeams and fairy kisses.  He brings the light in the darkest hour when tummies rumble and hope is all but lost that Spring will ever bloom again.  In that hour, Frederick reminds them of sunbeams and dancing dragon flies.  He brings them to cool, trickling streams and fresh beds of new grass. Summer is born again within the nest, even as the storm swirls on above…

 What adventures and pictures have you tucked away to remind you of warmer days in winter?   There is still time yet to gather sunbeams and daydreams to keep you company for your long winter’s nap.  After all, Harvest is here.