I knew my life was ruined – we had promised my daughter a dog for her eighth birthday and that day was here.  When she was two and this promise first began, eight years old seemed so far away, at least six years…Alas time marches on and we have promises to keep…

 Let me be clear – I am a cat person.  My distaste for dogs was born out of jealousy.  I grew up with dogs, but unfortunately my Mother was (still is) “nuts” about her dogs.  My mother yelled at the kids/husband while the dogs were protected from her tempers.  Hence I was jealous of the dogs because they never experienced the wrath of Mother, only the good stuff.   Dogs were not my best friends.

 In contrast, my daughter is one of those kids that animals love.  She and my husband are dog-magnets.  My friends set up play dates for her to come over and play with their dogs.  She just adores animals, so there was no way I could get out of this eighth Birthday promise (especially since I had been asked daily for six years, “When is my eighth Birthday?)  However I was still dreading all the extra work a dog meant for me, no matter all the promises to walk, brush, feed, etc. 

 I had been mentally preparing for this for the past six months – psyching up to add the many extra duties of dog ownership; walks, food, poop pick-up, training…Then my husband came up with the great idea of adopting an adult dog as to avoid the hassles of puppy-hood. 

 After just a couple days of searching online, we adopted Katie from a rescue shelter.  Katie was the only dog we saw and it was love at first site.  To be perfectly frank, I am shocked by my own instant bond with her.  Let me repeat, I don’t really like dogs – they smell, shed hair all over me, constant attention, jump up, bark and did I mention the hair?  But, there it is anyway – I am in love with her.

 Yes, wisely, Katie helped her cause immediately by deciding I am her favorite.  My husband is a bit chagrinned as it is clear Katie regards me as top dog in the house, but I am leaving town for a few days soon and things could change…

 Still, I am surprised by my own immediate bond with her.  I feel more relaxed with her sleeping in my office while I work.  I feel safer.  My daughter is happier and has already got Katie sitting with only hand cues (she learned watching Animal Planet.)  My husband is calmer and honestly I think is more attracted to me because he likes seeing me bonded with a dog.  Now my son, he could care less…and gratefully, this is ok with me as I understand maybe he is a cat person.

 Without a doubt this has been a remarkable, surprising and fulfilling promise to keep.  One I will never regret, however, I have learned my lesson.  There will be no promises of cars, trips or college, tripping from my lips now.  One dog is enough to teach this old dog a new trick.  I have learned my lesson – no promises involving living things or costs exceeding $100 no matter what! 

Does your relationship feel stuck?  Going through the same patterns over and over?  Bored?  Read Passionate Marriage.  My husband and I just finished reading this life-changing book.  I’m serious – life-changing, however – not for the fate of heart.  This book is blunt with a capital “B.”

 Schnarch believes the dynamics of your relationships, for better or worse, are displayed in your sexual behaviors (i.e. who wants what, frequency, satisfaction…)  Thus what’s happening or not happening in the bedroom, is just another stage for the “real issues” of your relationship – trust, deserving, respect, etc. 

 Maybe you think you and your partner “can’t communicate anymore,” Schnarch explains how you are in fact very much communicating and how, why, when…There are about 4 or 5 couples he follows through their “time in the crucible.”  The whole concept of emotional fusion and self-soothing was keenly beneficial to not only my relationship with my husband but with everyone else in my life.

 This is a must read!

When I was nine years old I fell off a bike.  It was horrible.  I was flying down a hill and my flip-flops fell off.  I had those pedals that had the spiky surfaces so I couldn’t put my bare feet on the pedals or risk impalement. I started panicking because my speed was increasing every moment with the descent - I had to do something fast.  Thinking my best option was going onto the grass, I steered my bike to the left and hit an edge.  Suddenly, I was hurling threw the air only to land on my forehead.  Ouch.   

 Blood seemed everywhere and my wailing began.  I walked down the rest of the hill to my aunt’s house, tears streaming and looking for Mom.  Unfortunately, Mom was out and Dad was there.  Let’s just say he was useless and leave it at that.  Not surprisingly, I didn’t ride a bike again for a long time and when I did, it was a white-knuckle, tense experience.

 Fast-forward to today and now I am the Mom with two kids riding bikes.  My kids kept asking me to go for bike rides with them too, not just Daddy or the sitter.  I would say with a shrug, “I don’t have a bike.”  Then my husband bought me a beautiful purple and hot pink cruiser with a big basket.  I had no more excuses, so I tried riding again. 

 Against every instinct I began riding my bike.  My daughter and I started riding to and from her school every day and after a week or two, I noticed things were changing.  I stopped gripping the handle bars for dear life.  I felt more comfortable riding and most of all, I liked it again.  It was fun riding on my pretty, purple bike – I felt so young again, even carefree.   

 Mind you, I will never wear flip-flops while biking ever again and I still don’t make a whole lot of conversation as I don’t want to somehow get distracted and fall.  However, each day I’m a little more confident and most of all, I feel as though I am reconnecting to that little girl inside who was hurt so many years ago.  She’s healing and coming out again…and I am happy to welcome her home.    

Before I had children I swore I would never have a baby with a snotty face…then I came face to face teething.  Teething, wailing resistance and snot won.  It was the beginning of my understanding that I knew less.  Those damn baby books didn’t in fact know everything. 

 The difficult part of this discovery was – there wasn’t a manual.  I realized I would be always be ‘slightly bumbling through’ – adjusting as we go.  Happily, I like it.  Being a mom has been a great opportunity to learn flexibility.  Some days I am better at it then others.  So it goes…but motherhood has informed my life and my heart in ways I never imagined.  Happy Mother’s Day to you.

Recently several of my friends and clients have had babies and are experiencing some new issues with nursing and babies.  Here are a few tips to survive and thrive during this time…

 1.         To breast feed or not:  Do not let anyone bully you into this choice – including your husband.  You have given 10 months to growing this precious bundle of joy inside and if nursing is not for you – don’t.  Yes, we all know the benefits of nursing, but all are outweighed by “over-whelmed, stressed-out mom.”  I did breastfeed for 7-8 months each time, but truly, besides the painful, sore nipples in the beginning – I had no issues with milk production, infections or the like…So this was not difficult for me.  Really look at yourself and decide what is best for you?

2.         Nursing and bottles: If you do decide to nurse, you will hear a lot of different advice about when to introduce bottles as to avoid nipple confusion.  Personally, if you have a baby who does not have difficulty “latching on” - use a bottle of pumped milk within the first week.  The experts will tell you to wait 4 -6 weeks as to avoid nipple confusion – wrong.  By waiting all that time, it becomes a big drama to introduce the bottle later.  One of my children would not accept a bottle at all – nightmare…Also, have your mate provide the bottle as to help support baby bonding for them and go take a shower or break.  Continue to have your mate provide bottles as to avoid the situation that only “you” can quiet the baby – this can feel gratifying in the beginning, but trust me, you will be setting yourself up for headaches later when the crying is louder.

3.         Are you the only person that can quiet the baby?:  When the baby starts crying, do you immediately begin breastfeeding?  This is dangerous territory for both you and your mate.  Of course, in the beginning this makes sense, but as you master nursing – are you allowing your mate to really bond with the baby?  I remember when we had my daughter and the odd sense of power as to be the “one” who could quiet the baby by merely handing the baby and breastfeeding.  However this dynamic becomes your worst nightmare as suddenly any time the baby starts crying she/he is handed immediately over to you for you to “fix.”  This gets old – quick, and then you become resentful of your mate for not being able to help out with the crying baby – the problem you helped to create…Hence, vicious circle.  So make a bottle for the baby and mate, and leave the house, go for a walk, whatever – they will work it out.

4.         Have you become a chew-toy?:  Are you breastfeeding all the time?  Not just during growth spurts?  Guess what?  You have now passed from providing comfort and sustenance for your baby to “chew-toy.”  Have you tried a binky?  Again this has been the cause of much debate – the whole nipple confusion issue again and teeth…I again go back to, what is good for you and the baby?  My daughter had a binky in her face ‘til three and my son never touched it - much to my dismay.  Babies like to suck on things - plain and simple, some are more oral then others.  You decide what is best for you and your family. 

5.         When to wean:  The experts push for a year.  Not for me.  At seven months old my daughter had become so busy during the day that she wanted to nurse all night.  After several nights of this, I soon realized I was becoming the meanest person in the room due to no sleep.  She weaned in about a week.  My son was/is plagued by allergies and I weaned at eight months because I could not get my diet clean enough as to not affect him.  His skin problems cleared up a day or two after I stopped nursing – probably should have stopped earlier.  Again, do not be pressured by anyone – they do not give any prizes for nursing the longest, etc…A girlfriend stopped nursing after about a month – she had run into problem after problem, stressed-out, but her husband still wanted her to continue…She stopped and was able to calm down because she wasn’t always worried about the baby not “getting enough.”  And then, I have lots girlfriends/clients easily nursing for a year – personal choice, no wrong decisions.  Look at where you are in your life and decide what would support you and your baby best.

 I hope these tips can help to answer a few of your concerns.  Please remember that this is a vulnerable time for new Moms and Dads – sensitivities run high.  A little patience with yourself and others goes a long way…Experts are just people with another opinion and in most cases; you can weigh the choices/options best for your family - not a stranger from a book.