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WTF kind of question is that, right?  There is no allusive “normal.”  Each marriage has it’s own unique rules and unspoken boundaries of behavior.  The real questions to be answered; are you happy?  Is your marriage working?  What can you do to make it better today?

 It’s time to stop looking over the fence at someone else’s life with envy – sure the grass may look greener over there, but it could be just a trick of lighting or it could be that over the fence, they have been working at it…Happy marriages don’t occur like magic – time, compromise, forgiveness and commitment create the foundation for a lasting, fulfilling marriage.  It’s complicated.

 Each person enters a marriage with flaws – that’s everyone, there are no perfect people.  True love and intimacy is not created from a string of good times linked together.  No, real intimacy/love is discovered when you see not only your own faults, but your partner’s too and it’s still ok.  Can you love yourself and your partner flaws and all? 

This isn’t easy. 

 Some flaws are ‘deal-breakers’ – violence, abuse, etc…but in most cases people are being human – fools one day, and saints the next.  Whatever your biggest issue is with your partner, it’s actually about you not them.  When you look at the issue again – what truth reflects back?  What’s your stuff?

 For example an old fight my husband and I had for several years of was about time – he always ran late.  I can’t tell you how many arguments we had about this and ultimately I discovered the final solution – I had to let go of time.  What???  How can this be??  He’s late.

 Well first, let’s begin with reality – he ran usually about half hour late, getting home around 6 – 6:15 pm.  I thought he should be home at 5:30 pm, he agreed in word but not deed.  Hence each day had a built in argument as I would watch the clock for tardiness every afternoon.  I could feel the anxiety begin rising about 4 pm and it would spiral up with varied unhappy outcomes.

 Then I got a clue – a friend challenged my version of reality – where did I get this magic time to be home by?  Ummm, well that’s what a happy family looks like, right?  Supper on the table by 6 pm, tubby time, story books and bed.  Her response – who do you know that really looks like this?  Ummm, nobody. 

 Her response – sounds like you have to change the picture to make it work.  Thunderbolt – I was holding onto an ‘idea’ of what it looks like to be a happy family, because my own childhood was so chaotic.  It was a picture I create from a wounded place.

 I had to let go of my imagined magic time for his arrival and decided to call a friend at 5pm instead of getting angry, again.  I began distracting myself from the time each day.  When my husband sailed in around 6pm, I was fine, no arguments, easy.

 Here’s the funny thing, my husband started coming home earlier and he became annoyed that I would be chatting on the phone instead of waiting for him…He was used to fighting every day about something, so if I didn’t start it, he would.  Deep breathing all around and some clear communication helped us get out of this dynamic. 

 Of course the issue of time still comes up, but now I see it for what it is – control.  If I control time, I control life – in reality, not so much. 

 But really, let’s get back to you – Are you Happy with your partner?  What are you struggling with in your marriage/relationship and do you need to change your picture?

Almost every morning I pull three cards from my Goddess Divination deck.  I like to see whose energy is around and it opens another pathway to peace.  I really use it as daily guidance and support.

This morning I pulled Abundantia, a favorite, along with Kuan Yin and Mary Magdalene.  I was surprised – abundance coupled with love and stillness.  Abundance and stillness?  I always think of abundance as action, not stillness.  Something has to be off – I pull another card – Sige, quiet time.  I laugh out loud, ok, Spirit I hear you – love, stillness and abundance.

I sit down and look around at where I am at this moment.  I am sitting in the life I created from deep within.  We’ve just moved back home to Vermont to a gorgeous home on the lake.  It’s stupid – fantastic.  Beyond expectation.  I look at the fire I lit early this morning in the sitting room fireplace.  I feel it nourish my soul.  I’m so tired and I can just lay my head down on the sofa…I do. 

I smile from deep within – love, abundance and stillness.  Right here, right now, no far off place, but here today.  Grace surrounds me and I sit sink deeply into peace…

Sure, at first glance it would seem these two women have very little in common, but let’s look again: both were too young when one afternoon their lives changed forever; both were strong & independent; and both were fiercely loyal. 

Scarlett was my first hero.  I read Gone With the Wind probably six times before I was eighteen.  I loved that Scarlett was tough as nails all the while looking gorgeous and batting her eyelashes.  I instantly connected to her love of the land – her red earth…Obviously the Irish thing was a huge pull, but I loved that Scarlett grew-up too.  Her heart and its wantings changed with time and age.

Like Scarlett, I didn’t appreciate the value of female friendships until after I had had children – women were always competition before. Take Melanie – she was no simpering fool although she often appeared helpless due to her poor health, but time and time again she supported Scarlett when no other would.  In contrast Ashley appeared to be noble, forthright and strong, but really he was just an anchor to the past instead of the rock Scarlett first perceived him to be.  Melanie was the rock…and Scarlett.

Scarlett would do anything, say anything to protect her beloved Tara and what was hers.  Of course there were costs in this.  Things were sticky – to save Tara and give her family a home, she married her sister’s fiancée.  She stole him really, all while penniless and gorgeous in her new green, velvet dress, a.k.a. the parlor drapes.  How could you not love her???

Mother Mary wasn’t so easy for me to attach to initially.  First off – the story of a virgin birth, can we say tramp?  Cover-up?  It took me years to allow the possibility of this story – the leap of faith.  I had to come to understand the teachings and environment of these stories.  I discovered there was much more space in the details of the events. 

As you may know Jesus was a Jew and his story was originally told by spoken word through his disciples – something akin to a Rabbi.  Well, one forgets that the Rabbi told stories and allegories to teach their followers – the details were shifted a bit to keep the story interesting and connect to audience they spoke before.  They were, in many cases, the entertainment of the day.

For example, Jesus was forever going off for 40 days – to the desert, in isolation, whatever, but did he go off for forty days?  Back then, when someone said, “forty days,” it just meant a long time.  The audience then knew this; however it is us, the exact interpreters that need things to be black and white.  This taught me about flexible thinking…but I digress, back to Mary. 

Mary has always challenged me not only by the virgin birth, but also, how could she just stand there during the crucifixion of Jesus?  How could she not shout out, “Stop, stop, take me.  Take me, please, please, take me…”  What kind of mother was she???

It took me years to discover she was exactly the kind of mother I strive to be everyday.  She supported her son and the decisions he made for his life because she trusted him…and God.  This was Jesus’ life and she stood by, faithfully until the end. 

How could she deny the truth of what Jesus predicted to unfold?  Hadn’t she also heard Gabriel announce her own difficult path?  How many called her a tramp as she walked by? Perhaps her village shunned her…but she accepted her path and held fast to her own truth.  How could her child do less when so called?  And again, where else would Mary be, but at Jesus’ feet as he shouted out his last? 

I believe, Mary knew the glory to be on the other side for Jesus.  You see, Mary knew magic and miracles every day – every time she saw Jesus’ smile she was reminded how real they truly are…

There you have it – Scarlett and Mary, my two heroines of tales gone by, who guide me each day to a brand new tomorrow, where possibilities unfold and magic is surely lurking just beyond…

Who are your heroes???

Here is the bitch of it: for all my understanding and faith in a higher power – life is still not fair sometimes. Negativity and depression beat a path to everyone’s door at some point – so tonight join us on Indie Spirit Blogtalk to learn tools to learn from and transcend negativity and depression.  Chat, laugh, meditate – feel BETTER.  Tonight 6 pm MST