Several years ago I was chatting with a couple EMT guys and they told me of the phenomenon of “suicide season” – beginning Halloween and running through Valentine’s Day.  This idea has never left me and now Halloween has become a reminder for self-care as I head into the Holidays.  Listen and discover tools to help you navigate the coming holidays as your most empowered self.

Before I got married - I was like all the rest, believing in fantasies, “When I’m married, we will always have hot sex.  I love my fiancé.”  Fast-forward several years - two small children and no sleep – guess what?   The sex wasn’t so hot anymore, in fact, we weren’t really having sex too much and then I remembered my words from years ago…Ugghhh.  How could I have been so naïve???

 I still remember the day, about five years ago, when I was kissing my husband and thinking, “Was I ever turned on by this man?”    How could this be?  I believed him to be my true love – we were meant – yet I felt dead inside when we kissed.  Warning: red lights flashing!!!  Like many before us, we headed off to marriage counseling and discovered we both had things to work on…

 Fast-forward to today, little wiser, little more humble, and back to hot sex.  Why?  I abandoned an idea of how my marriage “should” look and began to create a marriage that does work for both of us.  I’m not saying it’s perfect or without issue, but I am happier with me and how I view my marriage. 

 I realized I had to stop pointing to my husband as to why I was not happy and begin to examine the three fingers pointing back at me.  As an old therapist used to say, “He makes himself an easy target, but what are you doing here?” 

 What “shoulds” do you need to give up in your significant relationship?  He “should” know that hurts my feelings.  She “should” have been there for me this way.  He “should” know what I like.  She “should” know I love her.  What “shoulds” are getting in your way today?

Each of us confronts stress every day, and how we choose to deal with this has a direct effect on our happiness and well-being.  Often our emotions cloud our ability to make good decisions and unwittingly we continue a negative pattern of stress-management.  Use these five easy suggestions to improve your capacity to handle the stressful events that come your way and begin living more contently today…

 1.       Breathe.  When stressful events occur, often our first response involves an involuntary level of panic; blood may rush to our faces, stomachs drop, breathing quickens…By stopping yourself and focusing your attention on three deep breaths, this allows all of your senses and self to become fully present in the situation.  From this present place, better decisions are made.  Clarity is achieved when you can detach from an emotional, automatic response and shift to a perspective of ration and reason.  

2.       Don’t blame – including yourself!  No matter how you slice it – here you are and there is something for you to learn right now - what is it?  Here’s a hint; it’s all about you.  How someone else is behaving may not be appropriate, but strip the extras away and it is still all about you.  Instead of pointing fingers at any one else or even yourself, what do you need to do right now?  What is your part and how can you make it better today?   (Warning: be careful not to fall into victim thinking – “I’m so bad” – that it keeps you from moving forward.  It’s not about blame, but opportunity.) 

3.       Ask for help/support.  If you are feeling stressed, sometimes one of the best things you can do is seek the counsel of a wise friend, therapist or spiritual advisor.  An outside perspective can illuminate personal blind spots that may be tripping you up over and over…

4.       Stay present and flexible – don’t spin out.  A thinking mind can be a dangerous thing – imagining the worst-case-scenarios can be almost intoxicating to obsess over, but stop yourself.  It is likely none of these worst-cases will come to pass and you have wasted all that time and energy as to be prepared – just in case the worst-case happens then you’ll know what to do…Stop.  These are future concerns, shift back to what can I do right now and keep your options open.  Rigid thinking of “if this happens, then…” traps you in repeating the same cycles over and over. 

5.       Focus on your desired outcome.  It is very easy to identify want you don’t want, but shift your focus to what you do want or how you would like your reality to be.  Whether you are having difficulty in a relationship, with money, family, it doesn’t matter – spend a few minutes each day thinking about how you would like your relationship to feel, or what it would feel like to have enough money, love…Your thoughts have power.  When you change your thoughts, you change your life – new doors open and opportunities appear…Try this for a week and watch the surprises bloom.

 Of course, the most essential tool and what frames all of these tips, is an unshakable sense of humor.  I am the first to say I have a gallows humor, but it has served me well to laugh at myself and the ridiculous situations I have found  myself  in at times – completely of my own making.  Just remember – if it doesn’t kill you, well then I guess you’re not dead…or the other answer, you GROW stronger. 

A little over a week ago I heard this great story on NPR, http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/episodes/2008/03/21/segments/93888 - it’s about music transcending cultural divides.  Gregory Warner is a reporter in Afghanistan and one day started playing “Those Were the Days My Friend” on his accordion. His translator, shocked, asks, “How do you know Afghan music?” Greg scratches his head and thinks, “But this is just some folk song my mom used to sing to me!”…

 My very favorite part of the story happens when Warner plays Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire” to a wild and thrilled Afghan audience.  Warner exclaims, “It was my best crowd ever!”  I love it!  Happy listening.

Discovering your purpose is a universal quest but often we make it much more complicated then needs to be.  This discussion focuses on “what is purpose?” and “how-to” connect to it.  Right now you have natural gifts that support the unfolding and success of your purpose.  The trick is to identify and expand on your own unique skills that are at the heart of your purpose.  Enjoy!

These were the words recently spoken to me by a client.  My response was easy, “What makes you think you haven’t already?”  She looked at me blankly for a bit and I continued…

 Soul mates aren’t just restricted to your lovers.  Friends, relatives, even animals can be soul mates.  I do not believe you have just one soul mate (you do only have one twin flame, but that’s for another day…)  Soul mates are here to help you become your best self. 

 Yes, of course, love is a component of this usually, but not always.  Someone who really drives you nuts could be a soul mate because he/she is challenging a very core issue in you or they wouldn’t drive you crazy.  Soul mates are really a reflection of you – good and bad. 

 Today we have a very romantic concept of soul mates; one person just for us - someone who makes it all better, completes us.  Unfortunately, this thinking limits us and others.  Soul mates don’t complete us – we complete ourselves through loving and struggling with the soul mates that come and go in our lives.

 So look around in your life today – how many soul mates do you have?  And one step further – who or what are these soul mates encouraging me to become?

Today I discuss how these dark economic times are causing great stress about money and triggering in each of us, old “not enough” belief patterns.  Learn how to identify and detach from money stress and discover easy steps to reignite prosperity in your life today.  Come, step into a better day…

Please, someone explain how anyone can still be wondering which candidate to support in the November elections?  Listening to NPR this morning was torture as we were forced to listen to reactions from independent voters about last night’s debate.  Are you kidding me? 

 Why exactly should any of us care about the impressions of an uninformed voter?   There are differences between these two men, however you slice it.  About six months ago, I could have been pleased to see either man in the White House, however, watching McCain become part of the “politics of personal destruction” and adding Sarah Palin ended that idea. 

 Over my dead body will I ever vote for a person who wants to turn back Roe Vs. Wade and go so far as to deny rape/incest victims abortions.  Shooting wolfs and deer from helicopters was really just validation.  If I have to hear how she can Russia from her state again as foreign policy experience I am going to scream.  What about a qualified Republican woman – Olympia Snow or Kay Buchanan?  Why insult this so-called “independent vote” with someone who looks good winking, but has few other qualifications???  I hear she is good at running up the debt in Wasilla…

As the pundits and media make daily dire predictions about the economy, the environment, gas prices – a real “The sky is falling” mentality - take a moment and re-group.  Yes, these are economic dark days, but you do not have to be paralyzed by the ‘”what ifs” and other fears…Use these tips to create balance and reignite good intentions and prosperity in your life today… 

1.       Go outside.  The leaves are turning and a new season is upon us.  Sometimes in Autumn we drift back into old patterns, we may unconsciously horde things as to be ready for the winter or fall into “not enough” behaviors and thinking…This is a normal transition from the summer - a season of plenty - to fall, a seemingly odd mix of both abundant harvest and death. 

Instead of focusing on what is lost, shift your perspective.  When I see the leaves falling – I imagine gold and ‘good things’ falling into my life and all those around me.  I notice the plants that suffered in the hot, hot summer, now bloom with radiate color.  I become a witness on my daily walks of this changing season as it gently quiets with colder days and early frost.  I remind myself of the magic in the long, dark nights ahead and think of myself in a cozy cocoon.  This quiet slumber only lasts a few months, warmer days will come again.

2.       Bring the outside in – bulbs and potted plants.  You know those beautiful pots of flowers/plants on your deck/porch/patio from the summer – bring them inside before the frost comes and brighten up the inside of your home.* Suddenly your living spaces will feel invigorated with healing energy and thriving growth.  You may even get a new idea or two… 

Flower bulbs are another one of my favorites for both outside and inside the home.  I adore planting daffodils (naturalizing flower – multiplying flowers every year) in my perennial garden for Spring flowers and inside – paper whites and amaryllis.  In mid-October, I begin planting a new pot of bulbs every few weeks - hence I have flowers blooming all winter.  This constant blooming of fresh energy and color is a great comfort during the winter, reminding me of the quivering springtime just beyond the bend…

 *(Note to self - Before bringing the plants in the house, you may want to spray or let the pots sit in your garage for a few days to be rid of spiders, ants and other insects that my have found a summer home in your pots.)  

 3.  Pick a hobby – a friend in college and I would get together to “stitch ‘n’ bitch” or for the layman – cross-stitch sewing.  I paint today and I used to quilt.  The reason a hobby works so well at reducing stress is you can slip into a kind of “limbo-time.”  Your thoughts drift away as you focus on counting or color or measuring…In this suspended time, you become your best self.  Your ego falls away and you create from within.  You are in the flow.  By activating and stimulating creativity you not only positively affect your prosperity and well-being, but you also enhances your sex life.  Need I say more?  

 4.        Smells like comfort – cooking.  I know everyone tells you to save money and eat in, which is true, but you also gain more quality time with your family or roommate and eat healthier.  Find a cook book of 30-minute recipes or discover the mother of all inventions – crock pot!  The trick in cooking is following the recipes in the beginning and timing.  You will be shocked to discover how easy and fun it can be.  If you still are strapped for time during the week – make a big pot of chili or roast on the weekend and freeze single servings for later in the week.

5.       Volunteer.  Whether at your children’s school, homeless shelter or library it always feels good to give back.  By defining yourself as someone who gives through your deeds and words you activate the highest good within yourself.  When you connect to your highest self, you radiate positive energy. Maybe you have even noticed in the past while you volunteer, children and older folks are more drawn to you?  Your positive energy attracts more into your life and creates new opportunities.

6.       Laughter.  Watch funny movies, connect with friends or read any David Sedaris book and laugh out loud.  Why?  It feels good and lightens your mood.  Life can be a real pisser sometimes, but I swear, a little humor goes a long way.

7.       Manifesting and meditating.  By taking just a few moments every day to center yourself with three cleansing breaths and imagining in your mind’s eye “that which you desire” – well, these are the first steps to manifesting the life you long for.  Start today, and begin seeing yourself attaining that which you desire…How does it feel?  How does this affect your life for the better?  Feel “that which you desire” is already in your life today.  Through this process, you begins to integrate your outside desire into your real life slowly, almost effortlessly at times.  Try it for a week, just a few minutes before you fall asleep and witness the abundant surprises coming your way…

 Much of living an abundant life is about shifting your perception to one of expansion and plenty.  It is not about focusing on what you don’t like in your life, but what you do like - thereby expanding your possibilities.  Whatever you focus your attention on expands, thus by changing your focus, you change your life.

Each of us is very good at pointing to when we “screw-up” but can the same be said about our successes?  If you’re asking yourself, “what successes?” well, this blog is for you… 

This morning I refrained from jumping into an old argument with my husband.  Yes, he was able to trigger me with idiotic behavior, but I was able to see this issue really had nothing to do with me.  I was able to settle myself within a few minutes and not become the dreaded – victim.  Instead of reacting to this issue personally, I was able to stay neutral and you know what?  The entire dynamic changed.  I didn’t feel like a victim, I felt empowered.

 And my husband, well, let’s just say it was an “Ah-ha moment” for him.  By not allowing my emotions to become the problem or issue, my husband’s idiot behavior was just that – his problem…

 Witnessing and acknowledging this change in my reaction not only integrates a “better-way-of-being” more fully into my life but also validates my own growth.  Each of us needs validation and each of us must discover how to achieve that validation without needing someone else’s approval or opinion.  Our own deeds and words can be enough.

 So what successes have you realized in the past 48 hours?  Have you been more patient with a child or spouse?  Most importantly - more patient with yourself?  Have you noticed when you did something well?  Did you handle something well at work?  Did you turn the other cheek?  Did you go out of your way to be kind to someone? 

 Whatever it is – celebrate your success!!!  Celebrating your successes – no matter how small – creates more confidence from within and you step just a little bit closer to your own wholeness.