Please listen to a discussion on what is a triggering and how to detach from your triggers.  Discover your triggers are indicators of unconscious distress that need your attention.  Learn a new technique to detach from whatever is blocking you today.

I’m painting again.  Not because I felt the pull of some artistic calling, but because I wanted to cover a grate in the wall at home.  I found the perfect sized canvas to cover the spot and I decided it would be easier to just to paint something…Well, that was Monday, I am still painting and I am happy.

 I remember putting my paints and brushes away when the babies came years ago – no room, no time.  I put those talents away, in storage – maybe for another day… 

 Yet here I am, paint smeared on my fingers and sweatshirt, smiling to discover that happy girl with talents aplenty… 

Here is the bitch of it: for all my understanding and faith in a higher power – life is still not fair sometimes.  How can this be?  Where is my God from the 1^st Testament?  A righteous and violent God who punishes those who sin?  Then I remember rainbows…God gave up leveling communities with floods and plagues in the 1^st Testament, instead offering rainbows as a sign of his infinite love.  Personally, some days I long for the Bad-ass God…

 I try to comfort myself with the belief, “I can only see in part, You see all.”  Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn’t.  I am reminded of Jesus on the cross crying of for his father near the end…I know that desperation, the fear of being abandoned as you know in your heart you have done all that has been required of you, yet still you hang on the cross, pushed to the outside.  How can this be?   

“I can only see in part…”

What happens when you discover the ones you love best are intent on hurting you?  And what if, they are your family?  This book focuses on secrets, mental illness and childhood wounds.  Exquisitely written, the book reveals a family and a community still reeling from a past tragic event that threatens to be repeated today.

 Marnie and Diana are sisters, born into a dysfunctional family and they spend much of their early years clinging to each other for safety.  The father has left for greener pastures, thus leaving them with their mother, a brilliant artist.  Unfortunately, the mother is also mentally unstable and really unfit to be a mother.  Yet somehow the girls make it into adulthood on the kindness of their neighbors and own innate talents. 

 Both sisters battle their own memories and fears of turning into their Mother in some way, big or small.  Almost every woman I know fears this pull of becoming, “just like her.”  And when mental illness complicates the picture, this pull becomes even more real and frightening…

 I know this family.  Yes, a more extreme version of mine, but I recognized their mother – a confusing mix of love and cruelty.  Her intentions are to be a supportive, thoughtful mother, yet her fears cloud her words and deeds.  Her words and actions begin as support, only to twist oddly, thus inflicting pain… 

 I know this mother.  My mother has always been one to point out any flaws or mistakes I make because in her mind she is “helping me.”  She is revealing to me all my “not enoughs” before someone else can.  Instead of being my biggest fan growing up, she was my critic, “judging – to protect me from the others.”  Needless to say, this was crippling.  By trying to protect me from possibly failing or emotional pain, she guaranteed I felt “less then” because she always found fault.

 Interestingly, I know I am not alone in this dynamic.  When I went to college, I soon realized many of my friends also struggled with this type of dynamic with one or both of their parents as well.  Gratefully I also discovered my Mom may be difficult, highly dysfunctional,  but she is not the worst of them.   And I also was reminded; her unintended cruelty was always mixed with love.  (This does not excuse the offenses, rather to give them context…)

 People are not perfect.  Some battle demons daily to keep a tenuous grasp on reality.  Some days they succeed and some days they do not.  Some days I don’t hold it together and I fall into despair, only to crawl my way out later when I find the light again.    

 This book begins in the dark.  The characters crawl around each other and their collective issues blindfolded.  Each wounded in part, only to discover healing in the light of truth – as it is for each of us.

Much of what traps us in certain negative pattrens is our own inability to shift the energy from within.  Use this meditation to transform specific situations or relationship that are not presently working in your life.  Together, we will shift the energy around your issue, thus allowing a more open perspective and begin to make peace with whatever lay before you.

Sometimes one of the hardest things to do is to listen to your inner voice.  You know that voice, the one that tells you if something is a good idea or not.  Unfortunately, sometimes our heads or our egos get in the way of the listening to that little voice…

 How many times have you thought – if I had just listened to that little voice instead of thinking too much or just pushing through?  Like taking “one last run” on a ski day only to get hurt?  Or just having a bad feeling about something, but doing it anyway only leading to mishaps?

 Several years ago I came face to face with the consequence of not listening to that little voice.  I was on vacation with a couple of girlfriends in Maui and two of us decided to wake up early the first morning go swimming with wild dolphins.

 We were excited when we got to the local beach early and spotted several dolphins out past the waves.  What we also noticed was the size of the waves – they were huge.  At the waters edge, I said I was not going in and my friend kind of looked at me shocked.  I had heard that little voice telling me to stay on the beach, but then I did a funny thing – I went in anyway.

 Not ten feet out, I knew I was in trouble.  I was being sucked down by the undertow.  I couldn’t stay up, one wave after another pushed me down and all I could think was, “Kelly, this is so stupid.  You knew not to go into the water and your Irish got you into this.  You have two beautiful children at home and this is your choice?”  Needless to say I was pissed at myself, swearing at my stupidity and then the survivor stepped in. 

 I saw a large rock over to my left and I knew if I got there I could at least catch my breath and decide how to get back to shore.  Somehow I got to the rock and clung.  Over and over I keep thinking about God and the hymnal words, “clinging to the rock.”  I smiled and knew it was going to be alright – I was clinging to my rock, my God.  I caught my breath and managed somehow to dash myself against the rocks at the water’s edge.  Thus I made it to shore, be it battered, bleeding and shaken. 

 When I finally made it out of the water, a healer I did not know happened to be on shore waiting for me and my oh my, the scolding I received!  I didn’t even say a word and in she started, “Kelly, what are you doing? You have work to do here – people need you.  You heard the voice, now you have to listen better.  What are you thinking?  You know you have important work to do…”  On and on she lectured until she knew I was properly chastised.  Then she had me smelling flowers and walking barefoot to try to get back into my body.  It worked and I never saw her again after that day.

 I was shaken that morning on the beach, and honestly I think still am, but in a good way.  I listen better.  I heard that voice years ago on the beach but I ignored it.  I made a choice – yes, free will.  We always, always have choices that can either lift ourselves up or push ourselves down.  We decide over and over every day.

 Interestingly, I think I made the right decision to go into the water that day.  The lessons I learned from that experience were profound and have always stayed with me – for the better.  It was terrifying and life-affirming in the ocean.  I learned to trust my inner voice.  It had been there all along, guiding me, but I chose not to listen.  Now, I choose to listen.   

I am amused to see my previous blog about waiting…I just got my computer back.  The hard-drive failed about 11 days ago and since I work out of my home – no computer, no email, no contact with my site, nothing for 11 days.  Yikes!!!  What to do?  I painted a bathroom and watched the conventions.  Ughh.  Good and bad to be sure…I think next week I will focus on peace in my weekly meditation podcast.  Please, let me know if there are any specific issues you need suuport with as well.  Thank you for your patience as I get back to blogging and podcasts next week.

Blessings and peace, Kelly