In this guided meditation, you will be lead through a process of releasing negative energy with white light.  Expect to feel relaxed, refreshed and balanced each time you listen to this meditation.  Enjoy!

All of my life I have battled perfect – being perfect, not being perfect, expecting others to be perfect, wondering what is perfect…on and on the thoughts unravel…I think I have mastered my driving need to be “perfect” only to have it show up somewhere else. 

 It is during these times I am reminded of my stumbling and bumbling through life.  Things are so clear cut in my mind, but when I really step back, I view my “two-steps-forward, one-step-back jig” over and over.  And in fact, I am grateful.  When I see this need to be “perfect” revealed - I see my hurts, but also the hurts of those around me.  Not only do I have more compassion for others, but most importantly - I have more compassion for me.

 When I surrender in my battle with perfect, I discover peace and acceptance.  Not a peace built on certain circumstances, events or people, but a peace with self.  True peace. 

Do you ever feel like you are emotionally spinning?  Maybe you have just had a difficult encounter with a relative or even a friend?  You may be able to identify – this person drives me nuts, but the real question is, why?  Why has this person been able to affect you?  Chances are you have been “triggered.”

 “Triggering” happens when some hidden emotional response is activated.  My in-laws are professionals at this by using guilt to trigger emotional responses.  For example, my husband’s parents will “talk” about each sibling to the other siblings trying to get them to speak to each other…”Oh, so-and-so, really does want to be more involved with your life, but he just doesn’t feel like you care enough…”  This is an attempt by someone on the outside to “trigger” or force events in a certain way.

 Even though my in-laws intentions are to bring the family closer, their manipulations stall any positive outcomes and actually inject more distance within the family structure.

 Often you can identify “triggering” by how you feel inside…When someone or something is “triggering” you, you may feel a tightness in your stomach or chest.  Your breathing may change.  Things may feel more emotionally intense or you may even feel cornered into a certain defensive reaction.  You are being “triggered.” 

 Now, no matter how well-adjusted and balanced you are today, each of us gets “triggered” every now and then.  The trick is not to fear being triggered, but to manage your reaction to whatever happens to illicit an emotional response.  So the real trick is, how to stop triggering? 

 You “trigger” because some place inside of you is feeling under attack.  For example, my in-laws use guilt to “trigger” the idea of “being a good son, brother – a good son would call his brothers, visit more, etc.”  The fact is my in-laws miss their family and want them to be close.  Instead of stating this desire or want, they use manipulation to “make” it happen.  They use passive aggressive tactics to avoid themselves getting “hurt” because when you overtly state your desires and wants to others, you make yourself vulnerable.  You give others choice - they can choose to say, “No, I don’t want to do that,” and then what? 

 So, how to get from, “they drive me crazy - triggering,” to witnessing what is really going on, i.e. the in-laws miss their family.  One technique I discovered years ago is “writing with God.”    

 Whenever you are feeling uncertain about things or are triggering, get a few sheets of paper out and begin writing with God. 

 For example:

 Kelly:  I hate my in-laws.  They f*&5ing suck.  If I have to hear another passive aggressive crap out of their mouth, etc…

God: Yes, they do suck.

Kelly:  Yeah, they really suck. Why are they so crazy?  Who tortures grown children this way?  Etc, etc…

God: Kelly, they are sad and miss something that is lost to them. Etc…

 (Notice rational voice begins entering the conversation in opposition to ego-centered defensive response.)

 The fact is your ego is the “triggered” response.  Using this technique allows you to release all your negative thoughts and comments – your ego defense, instead of the usual biting your lip and stuffing all these words deep inside.  By using this technique, you are able to release your own negative reactions, thus begin to detach and witness truth – your highest self, your God-response is brought forth.  This “higher” place is present inside you right now, waiting to lift you up, but first you have to release your “triggered-ego” by acknowledging the hurt and pain that is present first. 

 Give it a try…you will be surprised to discover your highest self is waiting, inside you right now, waiting to help you transform your life.  Your highest self is the path to happiness and peace everyday.  The choice is yours.

Years ago my father introduced me to a tradition that was able to bring peace into our relationship.  My parents divorced when I was about ten years old and my Dad moved south, far away from me.  We really didn’t speak often as my parents had one of those horrendous divorces.  I probably saw him a half a dozen times before heading to college in Burlington, VT.

 Needless to say, we did not have much in common and frankly, I kept myself slightly aloof from him as he left long ago…During college he began making attempts to be a part of my life.  He would take me skiing with my boyfriend, send money finally and call more often.   

One memorial weekend he asked me if I would like to do the graves with him.  Strangely enough that was one place we both liked to go – cemeteries.  We both liked wandering around old graveyards reading headstones and admiring the artistry of the marble works.   

 My Dad grew up in Middlebury, VT.  Most of that side of the family still lives there and our relatives are buried in several different cemeteries in the area.  I agreed, not really knowing what I was getting into.  He picked me up early that Sunday morning and I looked in the backseat to see all kinds of supplies – gardening tools, cups and to my surprise, chilled champagne. 

 We began chatting about where we were going first and my Dad started telling stories.  He loves telling stories, but this time the stories were of friends he had lost in Vietnam, Uncles wounded in WWII and scandalous adventures of my family I never knew.  I laughed, really laughed and I saw my father for the first time as more than the man that left.

 He was flawed certainly, but he was trying.  Trying to become a family again.  I saw for the first time how young he was when my parents got married and I found compassion that was not there before. 

 At each grave we cleared away the weeds, and planted pansies and marigolds.  We offered champagne toasts and funny stories to those long gone.  Quietly, without knowing when, a gentle peace had slipped into my Dad and my relationship.

 I finally had come to love my father again.  I realized wasn’t abandoned any longer.  I had found my way back to him and this family through the memories and stories of those long past.  That day, together, we found peace again in pansies and laughter.  This peace has made all the difference and I am grateful. 

Happy Memorial Day!  May peace find each of us.

When I was nine years old I fell off a bike.  It was horrible.  I was flying down a hill and my flip-flops fell off.  I had those pedals that had the spiky surfaces so I couldn’t put my bare feet on the pedals or risk impalement. I started panicking because my speed was increasing every moment with the descent - I had to do something fast.  Thinking my best option was going onto the grass, I steered my bike to the left and hit an edge.  Suddenly, I was hurling threw the air only to land on my forehead.  Ouch.   

 Blood seemed everywhere and my wailing began.  I walked down the rest of the hill to my aunt’s house, tears streaming and looking for Mom.  Unfortunately, Mom was out and Dad was there.  Let’s just say he was useless and leave it at that.  Not surprisingly, I didn’t ride a bike again for a long time and when I did, it was a white-knuckle, tense experience.

 Fast-forward to today and now I am the Mom with two kids riding bikes.  My kids kept asking me to go for bike rides with them too, not just Daddy or the sitter.  I would say with a shrug, “I don’t have a bike.”  Then my husband bought me a beautiful purple and hot pink cruiser with a big basket.  I had no more excuses, so I tried riding again. 

 Against every instinct I began riding my bike.  My daughter and I started riding to and from her school every day and after a week or two, I noticed things were changing.  I stopped gripping the handle bars for dear life.  I felt more comfortable riding and most of all, I liked it again.  It was fun riding on my pretty, purple bike – I felt so young again, even carefree.   

 Mind you, I will never wear flip-flops while biking ever again and I still don’t make a whole lot of conversation as I don’t want to somehow get distracted and fall.  However, each day I’m a little more confident and most of all, I feel as though I am reconnecting to that little girl inside who was hurt so many years ago.  She’s healing and coming out again…and I am happy to welcome her home.    

A few years ago, we bought our first house and I began a flower garden.  Quickly I realized the valued of perennials – flowers/plants that come back year after year.  Perennials are like newborns each year – full of hope and promise for the coming warm weather.

 The Hostas and Ferns appear as small babies right now, just budding.  I check on them twice a day to see how much they have grown and revival in there sprouts and unfolding leaves as I feel myself also awakening from winter’s long slumber.  And the bulbs – I planted English Bluebells last fall and can’t wait to see how they do…

 Why do I love these plants so? – because they remind of possibilities and unseen forces.  Much of what happens in life is about timing, waiting and trust. 

 The Hostas and Ferns sprout when the earth is warming up from snowy days gone by.  They may even have to survive another storm or two before they can be assured of warmer days.  And that is the other part of their magic – the perennials weather the storms.  Their tender shoots somehow manage and thrive under a sudden blanket of seven inches of snow - only to melt away on the morrow.  These seemingly vulnerable newborns are not.

 They are in fact hardy and resourceful – if leaves die, they grow more.  They are not deterred when bad weather comes their way, just steady.  They will be here after the storm, spouting new growth and trusting in warmer days…

Before I had children I swore I would never have a baby with a snotty face…then I came face to face teething.  Teething, wailing resistance and snot won.  It was the beginning of my understanding that I knew less.  Those damn baby books didn’t in fact know everything. 

 The difficult part of this discovery was – there wasn’t a manual.  I realized I would be always be ‘slightly bumbling through’ – adjusting as we go.  Happily, I like it.  Being a mom has been a great opportunity to learn flexibility.  Some days I am better at it then others.  So it goes…but motherhood has informed my life and my heart in ways I never imagined.  Happy Mother’s Day to you.

Guided meditation was at the center of my own personal transformation years ago.  I discovered what was blocking me from my best life was my own self-sabotaging believes that cycled over and over in my mind, and body dooming me to repeat the same mistakes again and again.  These beliefs stemmed from my own childhood – created as a way to survive a very dysfunctional environment. 

 For example, I have always struggled with “not enough.”  What I remember of my childhood sucked – alcoholic, violent and little money.  It is no wonder I had a “not enough” believe system.  I learned from an infant, “there was never enough love, money, time, safety…”  This ”not enough” belief carried over into my adulthood driving my choices and decisions in desperate ways.  I became stressed, panicked and fearful…Then a therapist suggested guided meditation. 

 Through guided meditation I was able to “re-write” my thinking.  It was like I had these old, negative tapes looping within myself and I needed new, positive messages to replace them.  Listening to guided meditations daily allowing me the space and time to create a new, healthy inner dialog. 

 It took awhile and I kept at it.  Before long I realized I liked these new beliefs.  I liked seeing myself as lovable, capable, safe…and doors opened, opportunities appeared.  My life transformed.

 My two meditation series are a result of this transformation.  They are really a step-by-step guided path out of a blocked life through meditation.  I like creating spaces for you to discover specific issues that are blocking you today.  And most importantly, to experience the process of healing over and over within the meditations - a healing that expands outward touching all aspects of your life.  It is magic to discover the keys to all your dreams already waits inside – only to be revealed by you. 

Looking for something to do this weekend?  Go see the movie “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” and enjoy the laughs.  I can honestly say I howled watching this movie.  In the opening scene when the main character Peter Bretter is getting dumped and stands there with all his bits and pieces bare for all the world to see – oh my god.  I definitely squirmed in my seat.

When I go to the movies I like to be entertained by some adventurous story or laugh.  This was the laughing movie.  The characters were all sympathetic and real.  Don’t expect anything too heavy and be surprised as you giggle uncontrollably throughout…And they go to Hawaii - who doesn’t like listening to IZ and the beach?