My Birthday is coming up fast and I must say I’m a bit rattled.  I’m surprised by this inner nervousness as I don’t usually notice the number, but this year - I don’t know.  I feel a little older. 

 My skin is not the same.  Dare I say imperfections?  Maybe a wrinkle or two?  What the hell is that on my forehead?  My body isn’t the same.  I actually think I am happier now then at any other point in my life, yet – where’s the hot body?  I realize now my former “skinny, skinny” self was due in large part to anxiety and stress.  I didn’t eat so well then.

 Now, gratefully, I feel calmer inside, but no longer do I have a metabolic rate of a hummingbird.  What to do?  Do I exercise more?  Ugghhh.  I do exercise 4 -5 days week - ½ hour on the elliptical.  It seems pathetic when I write it out now.  Don’t I know the facts?  Your skin sags as you age.  Metabolic rates change.  The outward ego is crashing.  Uhhhggggg.  I don’t know if I’m ready. 

 You would think I was turning 50 years and weighed 250 pounds.  Not likely.  I’ll be thirty-eight and weigh 128.  It’s a dress size that I am fighting.  I would like to be at 124, just seems nice.  I can do it, but do I really want to?  Really?  To actually make the choices – change the chocolate behaviors – to support this?  Or is it just talk?  Or worse?

 Is it a way to keep me down – in my mind, never measuring up to my inner ideal?  Have I always done this in some way, but now I’ve joined so many other American women unsatisfied with self?  What changed? 

 Two kids, ten pounds and years.  Years of life – filled with much joy, some sorrows, a disappointment or two, a couple trips to the abyss, valuable lessons learned, and most of all, choice.  I discovered each day I chose who I want to be and my behaviors reflect this choice for all to see. 

 Gratefully, reflecting on my Birthday reminds me – I am not twenty-five any longer and it’s a good thing.  I wasn’t happy then, but today – today I am.  So I don’t have the same body?  It is what it is.  I chose my response - I’m thinking - toss the scale for my birthday…

Spring is a great time to “smudge” your home or office.  “Smudging” or “cleansing the space of all negative energies” can be done any time of the year.  However, the Spring offers a certain kind of “forward energy” that can enhance any kind of intention or endeavor. 

 According to Eastern medicine, the energy of the Spring is “anger, a pushing through, sometimes even violent.”  This energy is required for new life to burst up through the ground – pushing the earth away, thus clearing the space for new life to grow.  Maybe you have noticed in your own life Spring is a time rebirth and renewal?  Maybe even new opportunities appear regularly during this season for you? 

 Smudging your home or office at this time helps to create more opportunities in your life today as well as setting an intention for the months ahead.  First, clean your home.  If you really want to maximize the positive effects of smudging, go through your closets and drawers too – giving away anything you have not worn or used in the past year. 

 Some people like to sell their old clothes/stuff – fine and beneficial, however, I invite you to donate the items if you can afford too (it is a tax write-off too!)  This act creates more positive energy for you because it activates a generous spirit and a feeling of plenty within. 

 What to smudge your home with?  I like to use Holy Wood just because I like the scent best – “brings the woods indoors.”  Some like Sage and others use rosewater, it really doesn’t matter.  It is the intention that is most important, not the scent.  Pick something that you have an immediate positive reaction to – that is the best indicator.

 Stand at your front door and begin saying something like…”I clear this room of all negative energies - to go back into the light from which it was born…This room now attracts love, joy, wealth, abundance, good health…”  As you speak these words, light your smudge stick and walk along the walls of the room.  The idea is to remove all negative energy from the room first and then replace these empty spaces with new positive energy of love and happiness. 

 When I “clear” homes and offices, this is when I “see” images that are stuck or blocking positive energies.  If this happens for you, just send these thoughts and images  into the light to be cleared as well.  You may even notice “solutions” to problem areas in your home as you smudge the rooms. 

 Don’t worry about your exact words you speak as much as the idea of clearing first each room and then setting the intention of what you want the room (your life) to attract.  

 Once you have smudged all areas of your home, you can also smudge the yard if you so feel compelled.  Otherwise go back into your house.  Play some great music.  Have something yummy to drink & eat and dream…Dream about the life you desire to unfold in your home.  See the love, hope, possibilities - all these for you, waiting for you to step into…And most of all – have fun.

Trust.  The word “trust” sits on my desk in a small, silver frame.  I see it over and over all day long, reminding me, “trust.”  Sometimes I still struggle with trust – hence the reminder on my desk. 

 Sometimes just looking at the word calms me, but sometimes it frustrates me and I begin spinning.  Spinning because I feel like something is “not enough.”  Not enough money, not enough love, not enough truth, whatever – it remains “not enough.”  Being an action-oriented person, I act.  I can’t stay still as this “not enough” feeling is like drowning to me.  It’s been a very long time, but I’ve notice recently, I’ve begun spinning again.

 I’ve come up close to this “drowning” feeling again and this time, I’ve stayed with it.  I discovered this drowning feeling is really sadness.  Sadness that makes me feel.  Yes, feel.  When I am spinning and “acting out” - I fool myself with the illusion of being in control.  I don’t have feel when I am moving, however, when I eventually stop as we all must, I feel even worse. 

 The avoiding of the sadness magnifies the emotions more painfully.  The disappointments are more crushing.  The resentments are bigger and the unresolved issues grow…But this time – I have felt the sadness.  Maybe not at first, but sooner, and instead of running the other way, I’ve stayed with the sadness to discover more about myself and how not to be in this same place again. 

 Life is full of opportunities and not all of them come with a “smiley face.”  Sometimes it is in the disappointments the greatest clarity is found.  You see who you are and what you believe.  And if you can stop “spinning” - you discover “trust.” 

 Trust in something bigger then you.  Trust that unseen forces support you, even if it may not appear so at first glance.  Trust that your highest self is stretching to reveal itself again and again.  Trust, I bid you, Trust. 

What is truth?  Is it a reality or a perception?  Can anyone know your truth?  I ask these questions not really sure of the answers.  This has been a very upsetting week for me.  A dear friend is being persecuted by a few in authority with their own agenda.

 It’s yucky.  And I of course, being true to myself and my red hair, am outraged and vocal.  What is interesting to me is how many people want you to be quiet.  Just go along.  I’ve never been good at that.  I’m good at speaking up for those who don’t have a voice and if this means I lose a few so called friends – fine by me. 

 I need to look at myself in the mirror every day and know I am doing my best.  I am passionate about my life, my family, my friends and my spirituality.  This is both good and bad.  I can be hurt by my own speed as I run to someone’s defense, and unfortunately – this isn’t popular with those who want to keep a certain story as fact.  Oh, well.

 So I encourage you – do you need to stand up today?  Do not worry about the slings and arrows that will a surely come your way.  Hold fast to the truth and walk on.  Yes, you may feel the sharp daggers of those who would keep you quiet, but you’ll be better for it on the other side.   

This is called building character.  This is important.  This is who you are as you walk through life and encounter “kings and fools.”  Who do you want to be?  Someone who shrinks from confrontation?  Or someone who tried and stood for something?  I will take the latter.  Bring on the fools as I know they will come and I will disarm them with my unwavering truth. 

I know I am in trouble when I use the word “never.”  It usually is an indicator of my judge being in charge at that moment.  Ok, there are a few “nevers” we can agree upon regarding certain crimes, but even then this is a small list if you really look at in reality. 

 It would be my hope to I would never kill anyone, but honestly if me, my children, my husband were being violently threatened – hell hath no fury as this redhead and all bets are off.  I am again being reminded of my protective streak this week.

 A dear friend of mine is being hurt.  In fact, this is at my church.  I am horrified by the behavior of my minister and a controlling board on a witch hunt trying to force my friend out.  Interestingly enough as witch hunts go – this will explode in their own faces. 

 Witch hunts operate on assumptions and fear.  They are usually full of contradictions - thus easy pickings for those of us based in truth.  What lay beneath the witch hunt is judgment and “I never…”  It has been my experience, when that motto is at the forefront of a cause - there are hypocrites involved. 

 In this case, it has to do with assumed inappropriate behavior.  Red flags everywhere.  Warning - judgments abound.  So our minister is trying to force out the associate minister while her own niece, the youth minister, is doing the very same things she accusing the associate minister of doing.  Oh, it is a wicked game indeed.  Hence the witch hunt will to explode in their faces…Because the niece has been saying – “oh no, I never…”

 Unfortunately, there are cameras and witnesses that tell a different story.  Oh a tangled web we weave trying to deceive…So our minister is loosing her congregation person by person.  It is strange to see this unfold.  Strange that someone I admired so much and looked to for guidance again and again could come to this place.  Feet of clay.

 We all have them.  Sometimes they lead us to foolish places, but there, there amidst your own stupidity and follies – there is grace.  It is in our foolishness our beliefs are revealed.  Beliefs that are sabotaging our lives every today in quiet ways.  But this is the grace – the opportunity to see the folly in your ways and turn. 

 Turn to more.  Turn to a life of fullness with all your glory and warts revealed.  Yes, that is me too, feet of clay.  I am no better then my minister.  I trust this is part of her learning, her journey – blind spots to be revealed.  My job is to stand and reflect the truth.  Be a light of truth – no matter the cost - because I must.  I am no Judas. 

 A few years ago I read with my minister in Bible study as Jesus asked his disciples to watch with him on his last night.  I could barely stand the scene as I kept complaining to the group, “Who are these men?  Falling asleep not one time, but three?  How can these be the disciples?  Nothing divine about them?  Who does this?”

 My dear minister wisely asked me, “Kelly, have you ever fallen asleep?  Not shown up?”  Uuughhh, it was like a physical blow as I saw the disciples were me.  In the moment the bible became real to me and I am forever grateful. 

 So I trust, I can only see in part.  All will be revealed later.  

I read this book on New Year’s Eve/Day and I was surprised.  My husband had given the book to me as a Christmas gift.  I had never heard of it before, but my husband has a way of knowing my heart – so I gave it a try…

 Interestingly, I really enjoyed the book when I read it and have referred several friends and clients to it, but now that I look at the book in hand – again, I’m surprised…Upon my first reading a couple months ago, I was fascinated by her many different techniques to bring intuition and spirit more present in you life.  I still am and think some techniques are very useful.

 However, as I look at the chapter titles, I remember nothing of her words, her beliefs.  Well, actually one part of her writing does stand out and always will – her discovered root meaning of the word magic is “to bring light to.”  Being also a lover of words and magic – this definitely resonated with me and gave her writing voice authority as I continued to read.

 I don’t think less of the book; I am just reminded that what is important will rise up.  Yes, now that I reflect further, she did reveal a bit about her life and how she came to her beliefs, but it is the techniques to incorporate magic into your daily life that is the importance of the writing.

 I encourage anyone interested in living a more magical life to read this book and even try out a few of her techniques – like me, you will be surprised. 

“You learn to bear it.  Yes, some things you just learn to bear,” were the words spoken to me the other day with a tight smile and condescending eyes.  I was shocked – you learn to bear it?  Are you kidding me?  And then again she repeated this philosophy, “Someone of my advanced years has had more experiences and learned that some pains are learned to be lived with, to walk with.”

 Again, I was speechless.  Was this woman serious?  Could she possibly be trying to tell me that her life pains/traumas were more painful then mine and one day I too would gain entry into this elite group that walks with pain?  The most difficult part of the interaction for me is – she was serious.  Her pains, her life experience were so hard – she proved it, she beared it everyday, proudly even.  I shut my mouth, not questioning any longer, but spinning.

 “Bearing it” has only disempowered my life, myself and most of all my relationship with God.  I have come to accept that today, I can only see in part, all will be revealed in time.  And when my fears, my anxieties, even my own victim self reveal their presence still - I smile, start singing a Karen Carpenter song in my head and think, what do I need to lay down?