Confusion runs high at the end of a relationship. Over and over, the same refrain, voiced by client after client, “Is he going to call?” The very words make my heart ache at their desperation. Ugh. The same thought enters my mind, “Of course he will, but hopefully, by then you won’t care.”

Let me tell you a secret, 99 times out of 100 he or she will call again. Maybe not this week or next, maybe in a year, but unless you are a total nut case, he’ll call. And here’s why: you have unfinished business. It is my experience that if you are “desperate” to hear from anyone, things are unresolved. To get to that level of anguish, I’m betting this has been an unhealthy or out of balance relationship for awhile. The clincher is when a client begins reciting all the ways she/he has helped the person in question “live a better life.”

I have found a better question to ask is, Why am I so desperate for him/her to call? What am I avoiding by focusing on him/her? Loneliness, isolation, depression, abandonment, addiction?

The truth is that breakups suck. There would not be so many songs, books and movies about the subject if it was otherwise, but there is an unhealthy and a healthy path. When a healthy relationship goes awry, of course, there are tears, deep sadness, hurts, but it does not lead to this desperate place of “Is he going to call again?” This phrase screams, “co-dependant, big fights, slamming doors.” All reason and rational thought go out the window and the anguished refrain, “Do you think he’s going to call?” begins falling from your lips with frightening regularity…

Let me ask you another question, if you are desperate for her to call right now, ask yourself, is this the first time you have felt this way in this relationship? This queasy, nervous space with aching all over it, or have you been here again and again? He left you waiting that time. You discovered something. This nervous, clinging space has become familiar, a habit really.

Let me tell you something else I have discovered: you can break a habit. It doesn’t happen overnight, but by new, healthier thoughts and beliefs you focus on everyday until you have the new habit of being in healthy relationships.

How to do this?  Try meditating or picking up a new habit such as hiking or just getting outside more.  Check out my resources page to discover an interesting book to support you during this process.  Go take a workshop about something that interests you and even meet new people interested in things you like to do.  Above all, get busy – so, when he/she does call and he will, you will see him for what he really is – someone you don’t want to call you.