A few summers ago, my family (me, my husband & 2 kids) were getting ready to go away on a Church family camping trip.  Unfortunately there was a miscommunication between my husband and myself and he picked up the kids before all the packing was complete.  If you have ever tried to get ready for a trip with two small children underfoot you can imagine my irritation…No, I was mad – how could he do this?  Is he a complete idiot?  I couldn’t let it go. 

 I forgot to pack things we wanted or needed on the trip and I blamed him.  I got madder with each mile as we drove closer to the Church family retreat.  It’s about this time I started to think maybe I was crazy.  How could I get so angry about this?  Why? 

 I realized “why” the next day as I walked the labyrinth in the woods.  I wanted to be perfect – the perfect Mom who remembers all the right “stuff” to bring on the trip – filling needs before they are known.  Everyone could see how “good” I was at mothering.  I would be one of “those” Moms who had it all together.  Wow – I was competitive, but in covert – the most destructive kind, manipulative and desperate.  I kind of laughed when I really saw the magnitude and its destructive impulses in my life.  In that moment – I made a change.

 I immediately apologized to my husband, again, for my lousy behavior/attitude and I was grateful.  It was like I pulled a mask off unseen forces in my life that were now, no longer able to sabotage at will.  I took myself down from a pedestal I created to survive an unhealthy dynamic.  I now allow myself to be competitive in healthy ways – goals, exercise…and I let myself play with competition through games and races. Competition is a useful tool in so many ways; motivation, success, growth and now, even fun.  So I do live in a “different” home than of my origin, but the surprise is – peace came through expansion and acceptance of competition.  Not it’s exclusion, but it’s balance.