Many years ago, I felt lost in my life.  I felt alienated from my husband, my kids, my parents, my friends, even myself.  Sometimes I could see my part in the problem, but more often than not, I saw others to blame. I knew I didn’t want to live this way, so I sought help through a hypnotherapist, Christina.  When I met her, she sparkled, and I thought, “I want some of that joy.”  She looked happy and peaceful from the inside out.

We began to discuss my childhood. I grew up in a violent, alcoholic, often frightening  home and like many other children of alcoholics, I don’t really remember much.  I have very few memories.  Since my childhood was so unsafe, Christina suggested we find a spiritual mother for me through hypnotherapy.  This was all very new to me.  I thought, “Spiritual Mother, What?  Don’t I have a Mother?  How could that help?”  Fortunately, I was so desperately unhappy, I was willing to try anything.

Christina began guiding me through a very relaxing visual meditation, finally leading me into a meadow.  In the back of my mind, I was thinking, “I wonder if this works?  I hope someone shows up.”  I was even a little scared that maybe no one would come.  Then, out of the woods, there she was.  Floating towards me.  Bursting with joy.  Arms flung wide.  There before me was Mother Mary in Blue.  Blue veil, blue dress.  So beautiful.

In my head I heard her say, “I have always been here with you.  I’ve just been waiting for you to see me.  I love you.”  Tears streamed down my face and as I felt her words, I thought: “I am so not worthy.  Doesn’t she have places to be?  Isn’t she needed somewhere else?  I’m not important enough.”  And, “I was raised by two atheists and Mary is my spiritual mother?  Wow.”

I couldn’t stop crying.  Her unconditional love, her absolute adoration of me, her child, was overpowering and life-giving.

After the session ended, I kept seeing the experience in my head over and over, awed by the whole session.  What did it mean?  Later, sitting in my office at home, still contemplating the afternoon, I looked up and saw the picture.  I giggled.  The framed picture my mom had given me before the birth of our first child stared back at me.  More giggling escaped my lips and then a burning in my throat.  Hot, stinging tears fill my eyes.

I had always wondered at the content of the picture.  As a child, we never went to church.  My mother didn’t believe in God, calling herself a recovering Catholic.  I read my name in the corner of the picture: Kelly, 1975.  I was five years old when I drew the scene.

There, from the frame, smiling broadly at me, is my Mother Mary, floating next to a very happy baby with the word “joy” croakily written above.  Both their faces sparkle!  Glittery star beams touch their heads.  I look into the blue eyes of the Mary I drew as a child and I hear, very clearly, from deep within, “I have always been here with you.  I have been waiting for you to see me.  I love you.”   Finally, I know it.  Mary has been here, next to me, loving me unconditionally, always.  I felt peace at last.  I was never alone.  I am never alone.

Today I see images of Mary everywhere.  I am constantly reminded of her presence and love in my daily life.  I feel her unconditional love for all of us.  Friends and clients have told me their own “Mary” stories.  I am grateful for the stories, because, sometimes I feel a little lost again.  Life is joyful, but also remarkably stressful.  The new stories and images remind me, again and again, of the love that surrounds me always, even in the dark of night.

Maybe you are feeling lost and alone.  Today, I can tell you with absolute faith, you are not alone.  I am grateful to be able to help others discover this truth.  Right next to you is spirit.  Cheering you on.  Loving you…waiting for you to see.  Waiting to lift you up.  So, ask – knock.  The door will open for you.

Over the years I have had many clients frustrated in dating, especially the dreaded first date.  I’m always slightly surprised by this as I loved dating when I was single, especially blind dates.  I even met my husband on a blind date, his first and last.  I loved the possibilities, the adventure and, of course, I have a wicked sense of humor, so any so-called-bad date was always worth a good story.

Dating doesn’t have to be an exercise in torture.  Ok, sure for some of us, talking to a box of rocks is easy, but for others, a different scenario.  For some, the thought of engaging in intimate conversation with a virtual stranger can induce stuttering and immediate brain cramping.    I have come to believe in five basic rules for the first date; they have served me and clients very well…

1.  Decide what you are looking for before you go out on the date.  Are you looking for a boyfriend/husband or a fling? Be honest with yourself.  If you really want a boyfriend/husband, decide before you put your big toe out the door what you want in a mate (i.e. humor, kindness, job security, honesty…)  Write down 5-10 things that are important to you.  This gives you a framework and clarity to make empowered decisions.

2.  Be willing to cut bait early.  Relax, this is not the last person on earth.  There will be other dates if this one does not work out.  Don’t settle for someone who just isn’t right.

3.  Believe what he says.  If he says he doesn’t want a serious relationship, he’s not a good at relationships or anything of the like, guess what?  He’s telling you the truth.  Red flags should be signaling you away from this disaster in waiting.  Run far away from this person.  No second date.

4.  Like him as is.  Don’t think, “Well, if he changed his job, or if this or that was different, I would like him.”  Again, I go back to, do not settle.  There are so many people looking for love — strive for an abundant life with your most perfect love.  You deserve your best life.

5.  I call this rule is the two nevers.  Never kiss on the first date and never call him after the first date.  He calls you.  Reality is, we all like a chase.  If he doesn’t call, well, it just means he didn’t call.  Don’t take it personally. Sometimes the sparks just aren’t there or maybe he has an ex that really isn’t out of the picture or maybe the timing is off.  It doesn’t matter.  I promise that you do not want to start your relationship feeling like your chasing him.  I had a girlfriend that would chase guy after guy away because she had to call him right away.  She came off desperate – not attractive.  She did not have a lot of second dates.

It is my belief the single most attractive quality a person can have is self-worth.  If you believe yourself worthy of a beautiful life, a beautiful love, you will not settle for “less-than.”  By knowing your worth and having clarity about what you want, you become a more confident person.  Confidence is incredibly sexy and not surprisingly, the more confident you become, the more people will be calling you for dates!

For the past few years, I’ve been going on the women’s spiritual retreat with our church.  I had never been on a retreat before a few years ago.  The only other time I voluntarily lived with women was in college and only then because boys were too messy and smelled funny.

To be perfectly frank, in the past I never liked women all that much.  I usually had only a few close girlfriends growing up and the rest were guys.  Women were always too emotional, too catty for me.  They would cry easily and I could laugh with the guys.

Tears have always made me uncomfortable.  I don’t like to cry.  Both my parents were coaches, so needless to say tears were frowned upon.  If anyone started crying in my house, you were sure to ridiculed until the tears were replaced by hot anger.  Quickly, I learned to stuff all my emotions and found refuge in humor.

In my early twenties, I began uncovering all of those stuffed emotions—rejection, humiliation, anger, hurt, desperation, fear, longing, on and on.  A list of emotions we all run from, but never quite stay ahead of.  I also found  tears.  Yuck.  Aching, lost tears that would come pouring out at the movies, while watching soap operas, even commercials, the Olympics…It was pitiful.

I sought help and worked successfully with an excellent counselor.  There were lots of tears and healing, thus leading to the next phase in my life, marriage and kids.  It was only after “birthin’ babies” that I discovered the true value of girlfriends.  Girlfriends know your shoes, especially when they are covered in spit-up and the kids’ breakfast.  Not only could you laugh with your girlfriends, but you could cry too.

I joined a Mommies group after my daughter was born and found a wonderful circle of women.  I soon discovered that if one Mommy started crying, invariably someone else began sniffling and so on and so on.  Same went with the babies, one baby cries and soon there was a roomful wailing.  You did not cry alone.  Many times I would find myself welling up with tears and even sometimes, tears fell.  This was all very new to me.

Then I decided to go on the women’s spiritual retreat with my church after my son recovered from a health crisis.  Little did I know that spiritual retreats are set up to get you vulnerable, inevitably leading to tears, usually en masse.  I cried the entire weekend and I really, really needed it.

I had been so strong in my belief that my son would recover and in searching/finding the cure, that there had been no allowance for tears.  I was an old pro at stuffing my feeling from childhood.  That survivor had stepped back into my life for a while, but fortunately I was able through this circle of women and cleansing tears to regain myself, my adult.  As much as I have fought it, tears actually bring release and peace.

So I was surprised last year, when I was at the retreat that I shed no tears.  It wasn’t for lack of compassion with the suffering of those around me but I finally discovered the concept of “holding the space.”  I no longer had these wounded places that could be triggered by a friend’s pain or experience.  I was free.

I was free to support my weeping friend by just listening.  I did not need to take on her issues.  I could be her witness.  She could tell her story without having to worry about me.  It was such an empowering feeling to be on the other side.  I knew I had finally passed through and released so many of my painful “hooks.”

Her tears did not make me uncomfortable, they told me of her heart.

Oh, I know another year I’ll go to the retreat, I’ll be telling a painful story and quite possibly be in tears, but now, I know tears from every side.  I see the many facets–cleansing, sadness, joy, pain, triumph…all of it.  I am grateful to be here, in these new shoes, no longer covered in spit-up.  I am grateful to have a circle of women in my life that allow me to be wherever I am on my journey.  Sometimes holding the space, and sometimes being held.  May you find your circle.

Everyone, and I do mean everyone, is addicted to something.  It may not seem so on the surface.  Maybe your addiction is deemed acceptable in this society.  (Or at least legal.)  Did you go shopping today?  How many shoes do you have in your closet?  Do you have to be right?  How much caffeine did you have today?  Did you eat that whole bag of chips and not even notice?  Do you starve yourself to be just right?  Do you take pills to sleep?  For aches?  Anxiety?

Addictions come in all shapes and sizes with the same insatiable hunger at the core—seeking relief, comfort, peace.

Many years ago, an astrologer was looking at my birth chart and asked me, “So, what are you addicted to?”  Horrified, I panicked, and replied, “Not me!”  She smiled and told me to calm down.  She explained something about this planet here, basically, there it was in the stars and then she said, “Kelly, this addiction is how you’ve chosen to cope with your grief.  It can be manifested in almost anything.  It takes away the hurt, the anxiety, if only just for a moment.”

There it was, that word—grief.  The disappointments, the “I’m not enoughs,” and I saw my addiction clearly as I tried over and over to block the relentless tide of grief.  The precarious balance I forced myself into over and over when life was really not working, but somehow, by sheer force of will and of course, my fix, I marched on.  I used the same tired tactics and tricks that no longer served me over and over as the void within expanded. Fueling my addiction again and again which each “fix”, hoping to fill that ever-growing emptiness with something, anything.  Hence the term vicious circle.  A place we all know too well.

Does it end?  I don’t think ever.  I think there is always a hunger within each of us to make the hurt go away right now.  Oh sure, we may be granted a period of reprieve but life has a funny way of teaching—we think we have cast out this vice only to have it show up in another form later.

For some reason, we have bought into this concept that we should only be virtuous and pristine casting out all vice and impurity.  Who are these milk toast people?  What would these pious people look like?  Would they all look the same, think the same, most definitely act the same—doing all the right things every moment and I would detest them.

I rack my brain trying to think of one person who could join these “never make a mistake” ranks and nobody comes to mind.  Oh – good people pop in my head and then I think of the mistake, the lesson they learned from not making the “right” choice, going down the wrong path.  Even Jesus initially rejected a mother asking for healing for her child, calling her a “little dog,” as she was not of the “chosen” people, thus not worthy of his good deeds.  He only relented when she beseeched him repeatedly and he finally saw his own folly (Matthew 15:22-28.)  Not the Jesus we like to think of where all are welcome.  He obviously learned something.

It is in these very places of imperfection, the places we fall down, that we can discover our best self.  Our addictions are only outward symptoms of our inner turmoil, our hidden wounds.  What is your addiction?  Does it fill, numb, or adorn you?  How big does it have to get before you look at the stuffed hurts?

Here’s the key, acceptance.  There will always be so-called triggers.  Instead of seeing these triggers as things to be stamped out, I like to think of them as sign posts of the places I still struggle with.  Usually it is the same old crew of “not enoughs” causing problems, and without fail the sooner I acknowledge the hurt, the sooner it gets better.  It’s when I hide from the wounds with addiction that trouble brews and lingers.

I heard this story somewhere about an old shaman answering the question of, are we good or bad?…Within each of us there are two dogs, good and bad.  Always there, forever.  We decide which dog to feed, everyday.

True peace happens by accepting all sides of your personality, the good and the bad, and discovering balance comes with this integration…So, what are you addicted to?

I have been participating in a Bible study group with my church for about 3 years now.  I guess it was my curiosity that first drew me to the Bible a very long time ago.

I was not raised in a religious family.  My mother described herself as a “recovering Catholic.”  Needless to say, religion was not discussed in any positive light.  It’s use being only, “a way to control the masses.”

It wasn’t until I started reading a lot in high school and college that my interest was peaked in religious books.  I became an English major in college and there were constant references to the Bible in literature.  I felt like I was missing part of the story by not having any biblical understanding.

Whenever I read the Bible by myself, I felt like I was reading Shakespeare.  Maybe some of the words were familiar, but I certainly didn’t understand the context or the true meaning of the passage.  Like Shakespeare’s works, I perceived the Bible to be for someone else.  It was too hard.

But my curiosity propelled me on.  I just knew I had to be missing something in that book.  In my middle twenties, I studied the Bible with a dear friend who also happened to be a fundamentalist Christian.  Most of her social views were in direct conflict with mine, but I thought, who better to read the bible with then someone who would really challenge my values.

I know we read one of the gospels, but I’m not sure which one.  Very quickly I realized, although we read the same words, we had completely different interpretations.  The Bible I read, spoke of inclusion and love at the center, and hers spoke of the rules.  It really was a fascinating experience and happily, we remained friends throughout our differing views.

I did not truly begin understanding the Bible until a few years ago in our church Bible study.  Oh, I don’t mean I understand everything or even that I don’t struggle with the readings.  Now, however, I get to the other side of that struggle and see the Bible as really a pathway to myself.  It is truly a story about me.

I used to get so angry at Jesus’ disciples.  They didn’t listen.  They would bicker among themselves over who was Jesus’ favorite.  One night, he told them to stay awake and watch.  He even told them of the impending disaster in the morning and what did they do?  Fell asleep, not once, but three times.  This all made no sense to me.  These were the disciples?

Then my wonderful minister asked, “When have you fallen asleep?  Did you ever worry that you were not the favorite?”  It hit me–oh my God, I’m the disciple.  These disciples drive me crazy as I unconsciously see myself in them.  I have let someone down.  I have worried and feared to not be enough.  Does he truly love me best?  The Bible finally became a living book for me.  Finally, it spoke to my life, here and now.

Now, I love going to Bible study.  It’s like a puzzle to me that unlocks, piece by piece.  I still struggle…Just last week, we were reading Matthew 5 & 6.  Many people know these chapters as Jesus’ sermons from the mountain top.  It is an impossible list of ways to live with God culminating with the direction, “You shall be perfect.”(Matthew 5:48)  Well, this was just too much for me.

I think every therapist, every college psych class has preached to give up this obsession with “being perfect.”   Isn’t every self-help book based loosely on this concept?  So, again, I question my minister and she points me to translation.

The actual word used in the Hebrew Bible is “telios.”  The more accurate translation is, be the best you can be in the eyes of God, the most perfect you.  “You shall be the most perfect you.”  Now, this I understand.  This I can embrace, and I have discovered something new.

The idea of “perfect” bothered me because somewhere it implied there was a judge somewhere deciding who was perfect and who was not.  What if I was not?  Being the best I can be, well this allowed for error.

And there I was again, a disciple.  Not a God walking this earth in the guise of a man, but a blundering, stumbling, soul landing in grace time and time again.

Being successful is no far off place.  It is probably closer then you think, but, at this vantage point in your life it may feel a million miles away.  Ask yourself, do you have the mindset to see the opportunities to your best life?  Being successful is not about always making the “right” move every time, but about maximizing all your moves.

Once you’ve lived past thirty, you can finally get a little perspective on your life.  If you really look at your life, there is a pattern.  Even the mistakes, the “wrong” choices, taught you lessons.  You may not have enjoyed the process, but you can see the benefits in the chaos – the so called “silver lining.”

Sometimes delay is a good thing.  During delays you often acquire more knowledge and experience, laying a foundation for your future success.  However, it is during these delays that I believe people can veer off the path by becoming frustrated in the process.

Whether it’s losing faith in your product, yourself or the old “not enough time”, here are some suggestions that have helped my clients to remain on the path to success and may they support you…

1. Believe in yourself and your product.   This is where it all begins – you.  How is your self-esteem or self-confidence?  If you don’t think well of yourself, no one else will, plain and simple.  Which of course, will transfer to your product and you will miss opportunities.  So how you feel about yourself matters and directly impacts your success.  If this is an issue for you, try saying to yourself five different times a day, “I believe in myself.  Success enters my life easily and effortlessly from all around me.”  It may feel awkward at first, but soon you will notice a calming effect.
2. You deserve success.  How did that feel when you read this?  Any twinges?  If so, this is also an area to examine.  Not only do you need to believe in yourself, but you have to feel worthy of success too – back to you again.  You may try adding, “I deserve and accept a beautiful life,” to your daily mantra above to help support a new, deserving belief in your life.
3.  Have a plan.  It’s all well and good to believe that you deserve success, but what does that mean?  What would success look like to you and what are the steps to get there?  This is a big hurdle for many because it requires putting your words into action.  Just as your thoughts and intensions call new opportunities to you, you must be willing to act upon their arrival.  For example, maybe you want a new job making more money.  There are steps between today and a new job.  Do you know what these are?  Do you need more education?  Have you looked in the paper or online?  Think about what success is to you and then write it out.  Include the steps to achieve the success you desire.  Then each day, do one thing to move you in that direction – read an article, make a phone call, research, whatever, at least one a day.  You will notice your life shifting, easily and effortlessly almost, into a new, more successful direction.
4.  Be flexible.  This may seem a little confusing at first, but it kind of goes to the old saying, “Once you make plans, life happens.”  This is very true fortunately, so stay open.  Let me explain.  Once you shift your belief system to a successful mindset – you attract success.  Things that were blocked before come flying into your life.  This, in turn, disrupts your “plans” –  well, maybe not.  Sometimes, you discover your plans were too small and life has something better in store for you…So stay flexible, be ready to expand into the fullness of life as it unfolds.
5. Use your fears to balance yourself.  Whenever you get really close to success, fear walks in the door, almost its final hurrah.  Fear hides as doubts, anxiety, sleeplessness, certain people, the list goes on and on…but I now see fear as an opportunity.  Fear to me is an indicator of imbalance which means I need support.  Sometimes I can give this to myself through meditation and prayer, but sometimes it means I need to reach out to my husband, friend or a mentor for encouragement and reassurance.  Find  a support system for yourself as you transition to this new life.

Finally, remember patience and courage — the patience to allow yourself the opportunity to transform your life to its fullest potential and the courage to walk and stumble through that transformation.

Years ago a friend whispered, “Courage,” in my ear during a pivotal time in my life.  I can still remember the strength hearing that word vibrated through my body.  Courage, not condescending, “It’ll be ok.  Don’t worry,” but strong and faithful courage.  It actually helped me to be a little more patient too.  So I offer you courage, as you discover your path to a successful, abundant life.

We live in a society of complaint.  Each of us has our own “victim” story that we hold dear, our deep reservoir of excuses of why life is not working out as planned and who or what is to blame.  Without a doubt each of us have been “victims” in certain experiences or events, but no longer are we in those spaces today, yet continually we identify ourselves as “victims” over and over.  What keeps us in a victim state?  An inability to forgive.

Forgiveness, it’s such a tricky thing.  Who does not want to deem themselves to be someone who forgives?  We are taught “forgiveness” is what we “should” do, but do you?  Do you really forgive those who hurt you?  Offend you, maybe even insult you or worse?  And what if those hurts are abhorrent, seemingly above forgiveness?  Do you still forgive?  Yes, but let me explain — forgiveness is not absolution for your perpetrator, but an inward act of healing and grace for yourself.

I believe when you withhold forgiveness you live in the past.  You tie yourself to your victim story, the places you are broken.  We all have broken places, wounds that never quite heal.  In fact, it is in these very wounded places that we can connect to one another in the most profound way, because hurts are a great equalizer in humanity.

Each of us has been to a dark place in our lives, hurt and broken, and so too has the person sitting next to you been to this same dark place.  Our individual wounds may have different names and experiences, but underneath it is the same – pain.  To escape this pain, we blame others, withhold forgiveness and carry on our victim story disempowering our lives at every turn.

I was just about thirty when I discovered I wasn’t a victim.  Yes, of course, there had been terrifying moments of truly being a victim over the years, but I discovered a new philosophy through reading books by Dr Wayne Dyer about “there is a valid reason for everything that happens.”  It is quite a bitter pill to swallow – the concept that you are responsible for everything that has happened in your life.

When I first read this, my reaction was immediate horror – how could I be responsible for any of those horrible experiences?  And then, I looked at my life again and I saw the web.  The complex reality of all these experiences and there impact on my life for better and worse.  I saw the silver linings in the horrific events.

Yes, in certain moments, surely I was a victim, but after that moment in time, it is how I related to that event that I either continued to be a victim or found the courage to transcend.  This is not to deny the anguish or even heartache of these events, but to go beyond the pain to gain new understanding.  The understanding that events and experiences happen, but I am not defined by just that staggering moment.  Instead, I am defined by my courage as I face disappointments, failures, betrayals, and even hurts.

When you transcend and take responsibility for everything that happens in your life, you step into your power.  For me this is when I discovered a deeper connection to Spirit.  I began to understand my soul’s purpose and see the underlining truth – this is my life today, I chose who I want to be every day.  The events and experiences of my past have lead me to this place and I am grateful to finally be able to view past disappointments and hurts to discover courage.  Once you discover the silver lining, it is almost impossible to maintain the resentment to withhold your forgiveness.

Let me be clear, this does not excuse the offense, nor does this mean you need to contact the offender to let them know they are forgiven.  (However, in most cases this would be the goal.)  Truly, forgiveness begins within.  It begins with self.  Can you forgive yourself for your own mistakes, real or imagined?  Forgiveness is no far off place.  It is here, today, waiting for you to step into…Courage.

Several years ago I was introduced to the concept of Chakras.  Balancing Chakras became my tool to “see” into another’s body and discover what was blocking them from their best life.  My clients were amazed at the clarity of information derived from these blocked Chakras.  I soon discovered how much my clients benefited from a basic knowledge of the Chakras system and some simple techniques to clear the blocks themselves.

I work with seven Chakras.  Others believe there are more Chakras (9, 11 and higher,) but for me, (I’m Irish), “7” is about as holy and lucky a number can get.

Your first Chakra is found at your root, your sex center.  This is the foundation of your life and survival, your ancestry, even relating to the house you live in.  The color of this chakra is red.

The second Chakra is found above, two inches below your belly button.  The uterus of a woman.  This is the seat of your creativity and abundance — the birth place of your ideas.  Your career and prosperity is directly connected to the orange, second Chakra.

Just below your rib cage is your third Chakra, related to your self-worth.  This is how you feel about yourself and how you project that self into the world – self-confidence and self-esteem.  Your ego and power are found here.  The color of this Chakra is yellow.

The forth Chakra is above to the right of  your heart.  This is your green Heart Chakra holding the energy of joy, bliss, compassion and love, your feelings.   This is where you begin your quest for inner peace.

At the center of your throat is your fifth Chakra, your truth.  This relates to whether you speak your truth and actually feel heard.  Light blue, topaz is the color of the throat chakra.  Many people suppress rage and tears in their neck and jaws causing great pain throughout their lives.

Almost all of us have heard of your third eye, your sixth Chakra, intuition and wisdom.  Your third eye rests between your eyebrows.  This concerns listening to your inner voice for guidance and achieving enlightenment.  Sapphire blue radiates from your third eye.

Finally your seventh Chakra, your crown is found just above your head.  This is your connection to the Universe, Spirit.  The color ranges from lavender to white in the Crown Chakra.

That is the basics of the seven Chakras.  Now try this game with yourself, scan your body –  Are there any pains or shadows?  Does your stomach hurt?  Do you have a sore throat?  Headaches?  These pains could be an indicator of a block.  Ok, now review the placement of the Chakras on the body and read the descriptions.

For example, so many people have stomach aches.  Look at all the products on the market with sure cures.  The third Chakra is found in your stomach – self-esteem and self-confidence.  Who hasn’t heard the expression “getting butterflies” before speaking or an event?  Ringing any bells?

Review your body again and if you discover the problem — how to fix it?  Try this exercise:  Let’s use the yellow third Chakra, found right below your rib cage.  Take a deep breathe in and as you exhale, blow out through your third Chakra.  Pushing yellow light out of your body, clearing all the blocks from your third Chakra with your breathe.  Repeat two more times.

Notice how you feel — slightly calmed inside.  Your breath relaxes.  All is well…You may use this technique with any of the Chakras and just change the color of the light associated to the specific Chakra as needed.

Working with Chakras is just one of the many ways to connect to the guidance of our bodies.  As you read and listen to the messages, you become empowered to create your best life every day.

The holidays, that magical time of year, when families get together, break bread and more often than not – drive each other crazy.  Oh, so much fun.  Fortunately, through my own experience and helping clients through these annual traditions, I have discovered the secret to better family holidays: detachment.

Detachment can be done with love and even a sense of humor.  Here are some tips to help you learn how to detach while being true to yourself in any situation.

1. Breathe.  Maybe you become cornered by a family member into an uncomfortable conversation or maybe it is the things left unsaid that get your blood pumping, scattered your thoughts and suddenly you notice your breath becomes shallow or even more rapid.  Stress has entered the picture.  It seems so simple and obvious, but truly this is the first indicator of stress.  Once you notice this shift within yourself, begin concentrating on your breath.  Breathe deeply, letting your breath fill your chest down into your belly.  Repeat until you feel calm return.
2. Let go.  Guess what?  Those annoying habits of your family members are not going away.  The aunt who asks, “when are you going to get married?” or “why don’t you come and see me?”  She is not changing, but your reaction to her can.  Think of a few lines that can stop an uncomfortable line of questioning.  My personal favorite is, “Ummm, that is an interesting idea, I’ll have to think about that,” smile and excuse yourself to help in the kitchen or escape out back.  These unseemly questions really don’t have as much to do with you as they have to do with the person asking the questions.  If you look beneath the question, you will probably discover the pain or the lack that drives the person posing the questions.
3. Trust.  I firmly believe there is a valid reason for everything that happens.  Instead of falling into the old emotional traps of family dynamics, begin to practice the witness.  How to do this?  Watch and listen.  This holiday season try being quieter and not engaging with your two cents over and over.  You will begin to notice the poor behavior of those around you stem from their own wounds, not you.  Once you really see the raw places in those you love, compassion walks through the door.  You begin to see their poor behavior is just a smoke screen to disguise their own pain, and suddenly you notice they don’t bother you as much.  Surprisingly, you begin to feel grateful for your life and you trust yourself more.
4. Minimize.  As much as I wish it were otherwise, sometimes there are family members who are just not pleasant to be around – period.  Maybe they drink too much or are bigoted, whatever.  Do not make yourself be around unhealthy people for the sake of the family.  This may seem impossible, but in reality it is not.  You are an adult now and no longer are you subject to choices of those around you.  If the above three tips are not enough to make the situation work, leave – because you will do or say something you will regret later.

5. Do good things for yourself.  Arrange for some time by yourself to catch your breath and do something you like to do – meditate, make a cup of tea and read a trashy magazine, watch your favorite movie, or go for a walk.  No matter how loving a family can be, it’s stressful.  Holidays bring out a variety of emotions, both good and bad.  So take good care of yourself, and you will notice you will have more patience with the inquisitive relative that wants to know, “Where have you been?”  Ummm, that’s interesting question, I’ll have to think…yeah, you know the rest.

6. Look for the gift.  When you choose a different response to old family patterns, you begin a change.  This positive change may start with you but it will extend outward.  You may discover things don’t bother as much or that you may even laugh inside when those inevitable inappropriate questions come your way.  By not reacting, you change the dynamics within your family and open the door for better relationships.

7. Remember – this too shall pass, so laughing helps.  Find the absurd amusing.  The ridiculous gifts are an opportunity to smile, even if it’s on the inside.  My mother-in-law goes around her house at Christmas time and seemingly picks out the most useless piece of crap, wraps it up and sends it off to me with some slightly insulting note attached.  This is my Christmas gift.  It’s not that she doesn’t have any money, this is her own game.  This used to drive me nuts, but now, I laugh along with all my friends as the gifts approach the absurd.  I will never forget when she sent me a shawl she bought in Ireland years ago but hated, so she thought I would like it.  What?!?  Unfortunately, she cannot recognize she is really hurting herself with this passive aggressive behavior as it has a direct affect on her relationship with my husband.

So as you approach the holidays this year, remember  there are only 24 hours in any day of the year.  Sometimes this is a blessing and sometimes a curse.  I offer you patience and courage.  Patience with yourself and others and courage to be the change you seek.  Breathe.

Meditation sounds so evolved, so Eastern philosophy, “way out there.”  But I’ll tell you a secret; it works.  Through meditation, I am able to bring into my life today that which I seek, be it peace or abundance.

This isn’t a new concept.  Oprah has been talking about “The Secret” all year.  By focusing your thoughts on a specific issue or desire, you bring it into your life.  For me, it is during meditation I am able to manifest my best self and bring that force into my life today.

Years ago, when someone first suggested meditation to me, it seemed too hard.  How could I possibly focus on one thing and be quiet?  I imagined myself sitting in a room with a flickering candle, soft new age music in the background and smiling like a lunatic.   Are you kidding me?  Not likely. However, the concept achieving a quiet mind through meditation was still very attractive to me as I struggled constantly with a busy, worrying mind.    Then I found guided meditation.

Guided meditation differs from other meditation practices, because you are verbally led throughout the experience.  The “experience” being at the core for me as I can finally be free of my incessantly thinking mind by concentrating on the unfolding meditation.  I become part of the true present and this is where I find my quiet mind.  It is within this quiet place I find healing and am able to create a beautiful life.

That’s why I began using meditation with my clients.  Early on in my private practice I discovered at the end of the sessions, my clients were in a balanced and receptive state for positive change in their lives.  I began using short guided meditations at the end of sessions to ground positive change into their bodies and open their lives to the abundance that always surrounds us.

Quickly, my clients and I noticed how effective this process had become.  It is through meditation that each of us can connect with our deepest desires and needs.  The more you stay in touch with these needs or desires, the quicker they can manifest in your life.  You become your highest self and begin living your best life every day.