Home for the Holidays
The holidays, that magical time of year, when families get together, break bread and more often than not – drive each other crazy. Oh, so much fun. Fortunately, through my own experience and helping clients through these annual traditions, I have discovered the secret to better family holidays: detachment.
Detachment can be done with love and even a sense of humor. Here are some tips to help you learn how to detach while being true to yourself in any situation.
1. Breathe. Maybe you become cornered by a family member into an uncomfortable conversation or maybe it is the things left unsaid that get your blood pumping, scattered your thoughts and suddenly you notice your breath becomes shallow or even more rapid. Stress has entered the picture. It seems so simple and obvious, but truly this is the first indicator of stress. Once you notice this shift within yourself, begin concentrating on your breath. Breathe deeply, letting your breath fill your chest down into your belly. Repeat until you feel calm return.
2. Let go. Guess what? Those annoying habits of your family members are not going away. The aunt who asks, “when are you going to get married?” or “why don’t you come and see me?” She is not changing, but your reaction to her can. Think of a few lines that can stop an uncomfortable line of questioning. My personal favorite is, “Ummm, that is an interesting idea, I’ll have to think about that,” smile and excuse yourself to help in the kitchen or escape out back. These unseemly questions really don’t have as much to do with you as they have to do with the person asking the questions. If you look beneath the question, you will probably discover the pain or the lack that drives the person posing the questions.
3. Trust. I firmly believe there is a valid reason for everything that happens. Instead of falling into the old emotional traps of family dynamics, begin to practice the witness. How to do this? Watch and listen. This holiday season try being quieter and not engaging with your two cents over and over. You will begin to notice the poor behavior of those around you stem from their own wounds, not you. Once you really see the raw places in those you love, compassion walks through the door. You begin to see their poor behavior is just a smoke screen to disguise their own pain, and suddenly you notice they don’t bother you as much. Surprisingly, you begin to feel grateful for your life and you trust yourself more.
4. Minimize. As much as I wish it were otherwise, sometimes there are family members who are just not pleasant to be around - period. Maybe they drink too much or are bigoted, whatever. Do not make yourself be around unhealthy people for the sake of the family. This may seem impossible, but in reality it is not. You are an adult now and no longer are you subject to choices of those around you. If the above three tips are not enough to make the situation work, leave - because you will do or say something you will regret later.
5. Do good things for yourself. Arrange for some time by yourself to catch your breath and do something you like to do – meditate, make a cup of tea and read a trashy magazine, watch your favorite movie, or go for a walk. No matter how loving a family can be, it’s stressful. Holidays bring out a variety of emotions, both good and bad. So take good care of yourself, and you will notice you will have more patience with the inquisitive relative that wants to know, “Where have you been?” Ummm, that’s interesting question, I’ll have to think…yeah, you know the rest.
6. Look for the gift. When you choose a different response to old family patterns, you begin a change. This positive change may start with you but it will extend outward. You may discover things don’t bother as much or that you may even laugh inside when those inevitable inappropriate questions come your way. By not reacting, you change the dynamics within your family and open the door for better relationships.
7. Remember – this too shall pass, so laughing helps. Find the absurd amusing. The ridiculous gifts are an opportunity to smile, even if it’s on the inside. My mother-in-law goes around her house at Christmas time and seemingly picks out the most useless piece of crap, wraps it up and sends it off to me with some slightly insulting note attached. This is my Christmas gift. It’s not that she doesn’t have any money, this is her own game. This used to drive me nuts, but now, I laugh along with all my friends as the gifts approach the absurd. I will never forget when she sent me a shawl she bought in Ireland years ago but hated, so she thought I would like it. What?!? Unfortunately, she cannot recognize she is really hurting herself with this passive aggressive behavior as it has a direct affect on her relationship with my husband.
So as you approach the holidays this year, remember there are only 24 hours in any day of the year. Sometimes this is a blessing and sometimes a curse. I offer you patience and courage. Patience with yourself and others and courage to be the change you seek. Breathe.
Tags: best self, christmas tips, detachment, Empowerment, family, healing, holidays, humor, meditation, relationships
